It all happened so fast. Everything went to crap. And it wasn't my fault….for once. I had nothing to do with it this time! But my friends – ex-friends – didn't believe me. They broke my stuff. So I left. Stopped hanging around them. And, honestly, I wasn't sure why I started hanging out with Heidi either. I think it was because I would have no one else if I didn't. Also, she showed me her vagina. How could I walk away from that? I just…I just couldn't believe that Kyle wanted me back. He came up to me and told me that he wanted me back. I never thought I would hear those words from his mouth. And, yet, I rejected him.
So. The Internet was erased. That was the last thing that happened. And Heidi was my girlfriend. Kyle thought that when our online worlds ended that we would all be able to respect each other again.
He was right. I hate to say it. I hate to say that Kyle was right, but he was. Because that last time I walked Heidi back to her house, and that last time she kissed me on the cheek, I didn't like the feeling of it. I wiped it off. For some reason…I got angry. It made me angry. Would we really have been girlfriend and boyfriend if we didn't have that alone in the world thing in common? Now that it was over, and now that the Internet was erased, I wasn't completely sure about it.
"Babe?" Heidi asked me with a worried look in her eyes. "Is everything okay? You seem distant lately. I don't know if I did anything—or if I—"
"Heidi. You are amazing and totally, completely awesome and kewl, alright? Seriously You are the coolest girlfriend ever."
"So what's the problem, babe?"
"W—what do you mean?"
"You seem different."
"I do? Oh my god. I had no idea I was being distant, babe."
"Yeah. Uh. Just, I hope you're always honest with me. I don't care if it'll hurt my feelings. I just want you to be honest with me, Eric."
"Honest? Y—you want me to be honest? And I can hurt your feelings?"
"Well. I…I said I don't care if you hurt my feelings, Eric. If you need to say something that you're keeping from me."
"Uh-huh. Yeah. Kewl. Um, Heidi, there actually is something I, um, need to talk to you about."
"Oh. Oh, yeah? I told you that you can be honest with me, Eric. I want an honest boyfriend."
"See. Um. That's the thing. I don't know if we can, er—be girlfriend and boyfriend anymore."
"What?"
"Look. Heidi. This doesn't stop you from being awesome and cool. Okay? But…but the dudes need me back."
"Kyle? Stan? Are you talking about them? Babe, they led you into the woods! They lied to you! And broke your stuff. Don't you remember?!"
"Yeah. I remember. I see why they thought it was me. I didn't before but now I do. I think the only reason we got together was because we were both alone in the world without any technology. C'mon. Do you think you'd want me to be your boyfriend if I had my stuff? If I hadn't changed?"
"But you did, Eric! You have changed."
"Yeah. Heidi. I don't like it. I miss…I miss sayin' how much I hated hippies, and how much I wanted to kick ' em in the nuts and—and—I miss always rippin' on Kyle and how I would always get jelly over how smart—"
"You want to go back to being friends with Kyle."
"Yes. Look. Um. This doesn't mean I don't want to stop being around you or nothin', babe."
"Don't call me babe if you're breaking up with me, Eric."
"Right. Right. See, I'm not good at this stuff. I even rejected Cupid Me."
"Cupid Me? Who's that?"
"Oh. N-nevermind. He was just an old friend. Anyway. Can I tell you something before I go? W—why I really wanted to go back to the guys?"
"Sure, Eric."
"You cannot tell anybody about this! I—I swear to god, Heidi—"
"I won't, Eric. Just because you're breaking up with me doesn't mean I'll be a bitch. I'm not like that."
"Yeah. You're better than Wendy. I know. Nobody knows this, but a long time ago was when Kyle moved away from me. I was so happy. Like, fuck, dude! That stupid Jew rat was finally gone. But I realized when he left how…how hollow everything was without him. I couldn't rip on him anymore. So I saved him. Got him out of San Fransisco. I'm not gonna tell you anything, but—"
"You're a better person, Eric. You still are. And I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss watching you change around me, but I started not to feel it anymore, too, when you walked me back to my house. I saw you wipe away my kiss I gave to you."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"So. This is it then."
"Yeah. We'll—not totally. I mean. I'll still see you in school and stuff."
"Yeah. Hey, Eric?"
"Yeah? Heidi?"
"Um. Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, b—I mean. Of course, Heidi. Yeah. Go ahead."
"Are you gay?"
"WHAT?"
"N-nevermind. I shouldn't of asked that. Well. Bye, Eric."
"Yeah. It—it isn't goodbye. It's more like, see ya later."
"Alright. See ya later, Eric."
"See ya later."
I walked away from Heidi's house. I didn't even go inside. I knew I had to do it there. I knew I had to say goodbye. She knew all the crap I had done and yet she still wanted to be my girlfriend! She still didn't want to make me feel alone in the world when I was. Had it been a mistake? Had I done the wrong thing, telling her how Kyle actually got back and out of San Francisco? Because of me? Because of Eric Cartman? He still doesn't know to this day! He doesn't know to this day that it was me! Sometimes I wonder if I should tell him, but then I feel like shitting my pants at the thought of it, and I do not want to shit my pants because I am too cool to do something like that because of Kyle Broflovski.
Oh. Oh, God. Fuck. I realize I can't even ring Kyle because he broke my friggin' stuff! GODDAMMIT! How am I supposed to talk to the guy?! I figure he's home. He's probably having a nice meal with his family right about now. And my mom knows I'm out. There aren't really any rules when I'm with her because she's scared of me and what I might do to her even though I would never hurt my mom. I act like a spoiled brat but I do appreciate my mom even if Kyle called me a sociopath that one time. Which may be true. But I wasn't the one who killed Scott Tenorman's parents. I just made the chili.
Anyway. It wasn't the time to be thinking about that. So I was going to walk over to Kyle's house even if he was having dinner. I knew he would be glad to see me and he was never glad to see me.
It was only a few houses down. We all lived pretty close together. When I got there, I knocked on the door and I did feel like shitting my pants because I was at Kyle Broflovski's house.
"Cartman? W—what are you doing here?"
"Kyle. Look. I broke up with Heidi."
"Oh. So why are you here, Cartman?"
"I understand why you thought I was SkankHunt. It makes sense. I…I just wanted to say that, um, I'm coming back, Kyle."
"What?"
"I'm coming back. Back to you guys."
"But we broke your stuff."
"I know. But…but it's mostly just 'cause I miss rippin' on you and stuff. Honestly, I haven't changed. Not in the way Heidi wants me to. And I don't want to upset her. I don't want to disappoint Heidi, but I can disappoint you."
"Gee, Cartman."
"Yeah. Yeah, I know. Kyle. You missed me. You're glad to have me back. Well, I'll see ya around, you fucking Jew."
"Fuck you, fatass!"
I closed the door. Inhaled. Leaned against it and said out loud, "Ah, that's better."
There was a smile on my face. Because of Kyle. Aw, man! I was smiling because I was going to start hanging around Kyle again! But…but I wasn't a homosexual.
Right?
No. I couldn't be.