TA-DAH! Now we are five! I've been working on this in my head for sooo long and I had so many things to finish before I started writing it properly and I still haven't finished them all omfg I am so sorry guys. Getting there, I banana promise you. I've had... would it surprise anyone at all at this point if I just out and said I've been having some serious depression and motivation issues? And working on my original stories which I'm trying to get published, there's a lot going on right now. Deepest apologies when I take a while longer than usual to update.
So! Also! Apparently my private message inbox was full and nobody could send me anything? I'm sorry! I deleted a ton of old messages now so if you were trying to send me something and it didn't go through, SEND IT ON! Also, if you are one of those lovely people who sent me a message over the app and are sad that you never got an email telling you I replied, it's because the emails are buggy af on the app. I replied! I love talking to you guys!
Did you read 40 Weeks? Because THIS IS A SEQUEL. Every time I write a sequel I get at least one message from someone who doesn't understand what is going on because they didn't read the first story. Don't be that fanchild. This fic won't be as long, probably it'll be about nine or ten chapters, but I just couldn't stop writing about my favourite dork family. Omg I love them and their squishy dorklings so much.
Content Warning: Fluff, poop conversations, yelling, scheming, naughty kids, adorable kids, acts of toddler violence, mild peril, senseless confectionary destruction.
"Mama. Mama. Mama. Wake up."
It was still dark and Bonnie did not want to open her eyes. But that insistent voice and the little hands prodding her shoulder were one of the few things in life she would never ignore, so she sat up with a sigh and flicked the lamp on. Ina squinted back through the sudden flare of light at her.
"What is it, sweetie?" Bonnie asked in a quiet voice. She knew they'd have woken Marcy too but at least there was still an outside chance her partner could get back to sleep. Her, probably not. But at least she wouldn't have to deal with a grumpy, tired Marceline over breakfast too.
"I need to poop." Ingrid announced importantly.
"Ok? So, go poop."
"But there might be a spider in the toilet."
"Sweetheart, come on, we've talked about this. If there is a spider in the bathroom you can come wake me, but you don't need to get someone to check every time." Bonnie sighed. Ingrid scowled, wrinkling her little nose and scrunching up her mouth comically.
"I'll tell Mummy." she threatened.
"That might work on your brother but I promise your Mum isn't going to put me on the naughty step." Bonnie told her, trying to keep the smile off her own face. It was just that her eldest daughter looked so adorable when she tried to be intimidating, like a perfect tiny copy of Marcy throwing a hissy fit about something.
"You wanna bet? Go check the bathroom for her." Marceline mumbled from her own side of the bed, eyes still closed but with a definite frown line across her brow. Bonnie sighed and slid out of bed. So much for using reason.
Ingrid grinned triumphantly and grabbed Bonnie's hand, towing her across the hall to the bathroom which as predicted turned out to be free of any creature with more than four legs. Peppermint blinked at them in confusion from where he'd been sleeping in the bathtub when the light flicked on.
"Do you think kitties talk about their people when they go out to lunch with other kitties?" Ina asked conversationally as Bonnie helped her up onto the toilet then slouched tiredly against the door frame.
"I don't know, sweetie, I don't think they really talk in the same way people do." she replied.
"Oh. Are we rich, Mama?"
"I... suppose, in a way. But, it's relative. That means that we're rich compared to some people but not to others."
"Kennedy at school is rich and she has a pony. She drewed a picture of it for show and tell."
"That's nice for her."
"Can I have a pony too?"
"No. Sweetie, we don't have the room or time for a pony, horses need a lot of looking after."
"I'm gonna ask Santa Claus for a pony anyway."
"It's another eight months til Christmas."
"I know that actually, Mama, because Christmas is in December and I learned the months but I think Santa likes when people talk to him the rest of the year too because he might get lonely. I'm going to write him a letter and send it to his house. How come some people don't have anywhere to live and ask for money in the street? If we're rich why can't we just buy them some houses so they can live places? Or why don't they ask Santa for a house? Or Jesus or the Easter Bunny?"
"Ingrid, sweetie, are you gonna use the toilet or just sit there talking to me?" Bonnie interrupted as gently as she could manage.
"I forgot to poop and now my poop got shy and it went back in my butt!" Ingrid told her with a big cheerful grin. "Let's go watch cartoons!"
"It's four in the morning. Let's go back to bed." Bonnie replied, scooping her daughter up from the toilet and pulling her pyjama pants back up.
"But I'm not tired. Can I come in your bed?"
"Are you gonna lie still and close your eyes?"
"Promise promise banana promise."
"Why banana?"
"That makes the promise extra special."
"...Ok. If you say so."
So they went back to bed and for the first ten minutes or so it seemed like Ingrid might actually follow up on her banana promise and go back to sleep. She was lying between her parents just as quietly as she'd said she would and Bonnie had high hopes of maybe getting a couple more hours of sleep before Sofia woke up for her morning screaming session. But of course she'd underestimated Ingrid's inexhaustible well of random questions.
"Mama, if you pushed food up your butt would it come out of your mouth as poop?"
"No, sweetie. That's not how the digestive system works. And it would hurt. Please go to sleep."
"But how do you know it would hurt? Did you ever try it, Mama?"
"Please, Ingrid, I'm really tired and it's sleepy time. No, I never pushed food up my butt. Now go to sleep."
"Ok."
Another few minutes of silence passed and Bonnie was just about to fall gratefully back asleep when-
"But it doesn't hurt when poop comes out so why would it hurt when food goes in? Mama? Is it normal that my butt doesn't hurt when I poop? Does yours hurt when you poop? Maybe we should try putting food in it, just to see what happens?"
Luckily Bonnie was saved trying to think up an answer by Marceline's helpless laughter on the other side of the bed. Next second her partner had sat up and wrapped their daughter in a hug.
"Come on, short stuff. Let Mama get some sleep, she has some important doctor stuff to do today and she really doesn't know much about butts. You should ask your Uncle Jake, he's a butt expert. You wanna go watch some cartoons?"
"Cartooooooons!" Ingrid sang happily, jumping up out of the bed and thundering out into the hall and down the staircase with so much enthusiasm her little body was almost vibrating. Marcy dropped a sleepy kiss onto Bonnie's lips and slid out of bed, too.
"Get some sleep, babe, you've gotta go kick butt at the ethics committee. Or shove something up them. Food, maybe, and then you can answer Ina's slightly worrying questions. I'll handle breakfast and the school run."
"You're the best, I love you." Bonnie murmured back tiredly. Her eyes were already closed again as Marceline tiptoed downstairs to turn the TV volume down and fetch Ina some juice and a snack.
...
Meal times were always a noisy affair when Ingrid was involved and that was something Philip was often grateful for. They shared that special bond twins often had and that was lucky because without it they might not have had anything in common at all. Their mothers often said the two of them were as different as night and day and Philip certainly felt like it. Ingrid was loud and curious and the only thing that rivalled her colossal self-confidence was her boundless energy. Philip was quiet and thoughtful, he liked to listen to people and think through what he was going to say before he opened his mouth. He was fascinated by learning and discovering, to Philip the whole world was one giant unsolved mystery that he was just itching to explore and unravel. If Ingrid had been anything except his twin sister she might not have understood, might not have accepted him as different from her but just as valuable. But she was his twin. And she knew at a glance what he was thinking and feeling, she knew when to cause a scene so that Philip could slide away undetected or how to negotiate a treat for them that was much more for him than her but that he'd never have felt comfortable asking for. Ingrid was the self-assured loudmouth that an introvert like Philip needed in his life and that morning it meant she was vocally complaining about Mummy taking them to school instead of Mama.
"But I want Mama kisses before class!" Ingrid was wailing around a mouthful of eggs.
"Darling, your Mama has to go to work early. She'll give you kisses before she leaves." Marcy replied over her shoulder as she tried to coax Sofia into taking a bite of food. "Come on, Blue Eyes, it's tasty. Mmm, yummy eggs."
Sofia was having none of it and shook her head violently, making her bright red corkscrew hair fly around her face furiously.
"Want chocca!" she yelled loudly, drumming her tiny fists against the tray of her high chair.
"Darling, chocolate isn't breakfast food." Marceline sighed. She cursed in her head silently that she'd ever let her father look after the kids overnight because he'd 'treated' them to sugary chocolatey breakfast cereal and now Sofia was refusing to eat anything else. It made no sense, Hunson had been scarily strict as a father and was apparently making it up by being the most lenient, indulgent grandfather ever.
"CHOCCA CHOCC CHOCC CHOCCY!" Sofia screamed at the top of her lungs, and she hurled herself against the side of her high chair over and over, trying to tip it onto the floor so she could run around and cause her usual level of havoc.
"I WANT MAMA TO TAKE ME TO SCHOOL!" Ingrid shrieked angrily.
"Girls, please, it's too early, use your indoor voices." Marcy begged them helplessly while they ignored her and continued screaming.
"ENOUGH! QUIET, ALL OF YOU!"
Even Sofia shut up; she didn't even notice Marceline taking advantage of the distraction by slipping a bit of scrambled egg into her mouth which she chewed and swallowed without complaint. Bonnie was standing in the kitchen doorway scowling at all of them with her blouse half buttoned and her hair all over her head in a mess.
"Ingrid, I have to go to a meeting then to a surgical consult then to a conference, I can't take you to school, I'm sorry. Sofia, we don't eat chocolate before lunchtime, eat your eggs like a good girl and you can have Mama's special pink bow in your hair, deal? Philip, did you think I wasn't going to notice?" she asked, turning to their son. He sighed and unzipped his book bag to reveal Cinnamon blinking sleepily at them all.
"He wanted to come to story time." Philip informed her timidly.
"Sweetie, you can't take him to school with you. What if one of your classmates has allergies? What if he needs to poop and there's no litter tray? The cats have to stay here."
Ingrid shared a disappointed scowl across the breakfast table with her brother; the plan was that she would distract Mummy until they were out of the house and he could smuggle Cinnamon into the car in his book bag. If Sofia hadn't pitched a fit about wanting chocolate for breakfast and made Mama come down before they were ready it would have worked. They'd have to try again some other time.
"Mama, are you gonna declare anyone dead today?" Ingrid asked in fascination as she stared up at her mother with adoring eyes.
"I hope not, sweetheart." Bonnie replied evenly as she poured out some more coffee.
Their eldest daughter had been in absolute awe of her since Jake had given them a book called 'My Mummy Is A Doctor' and Ingrid had fired off thousands of medicine related questions every hour ever since. For the last week or so she'd been very taken with the idea of declaring people dead and seemed to think it meant that when a doctor said someone was dead they were then honour-bound to die despite the many times Bonnie had tried to explain that wasn't how it worked.
"Coffee." the redhead muttered to herself gratefully as she drained her third mug of the morning and ran a hand through her recently shortened hair to at least make it look a bit like the spikes and waves were intentional. "Right, I have to run. You guys have a good day and I'll see you all tonight, ok? I love you."
"Love you, Mama!" Philip replied happily, clinging on for a hug as she reached over kiss the twins on the cheek and pull them both into a quick embrace.
"Bye, Mama!" Ina added.
"Have a good day, babe. Call if you get chance." Marcy told her when Bonnie straightened up to get her goodbye kiss. Marceline took a moment to fix the redhead's collar and brush a wayward spike of light red hair in the right direction before her partner was waving at them over her shoulder and disappeared out the front door.
"Right, have you guys finished eating? Upstairs and brush your teeth please." Marcy announced, herding the twins from the room and turning to Sofia to wipe the bits off egg off her face and pick one or two stray chunks out of her hair. The baby giggled and chattered nonsensically the whole time and despite that she was running on less than four hours sleep Marceline grinned back proudly. Their youngest daughter was so big already, it felt like only yesterday they'd been bringing her home from hospital and now she was talking and eating solid food and running everywhere like a tiny trouble-seeking missile.
Once they'd brushed their teeth it was a pretty smooth run to get the twins dressed and ready to leave the house and within half an hour they were all sitting in the car on the way to school. Marceline dropped them off at the school gates with plenty of time to spare, gave them both a kiss and a hug and then headed home before the traffic got really bad. She was just making her own breakfast and putting the TV on for Sofia when her mobile rang with a number she didn't recognise.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is that Dr Abadeer?"
"Speaking, how can I help?"
"This is Philip's headmaster, are you able to come up to the school and collect your cat? It seems he smuggled the poor thing in for story time this morning."
Marceline glanced into the lounge where her youngest daughter was giggling at the TV and oblivious to anything her mother was saying in the hall, before she let out a very quiet;
"That sneaky little bastard. Yeah, give me a half hour."
...
Once Cinnamon had been rescued from the sticky clutches of a room full of excited four and five year olds, Sofia had gone down for her mid-morning nap and Marceline had finally had a moment to actually eat something for herself she settled onto the sofa with her laptop for five minutes of peace. Which didn't really happen because the moment she opened her email there were fifteen messages from various parents of kids invited to the twins' birthday party asking small and annoying details. Where was Glasshouse, was there plenty of parking, was the food going to be organic, could their kid bring their random sibling who didn't even know her kids? Marcy had never realised quite how tedious arranging a birthday party for little kids was despite all Lady's warnings. She sent out a standard reply to most of the enquiries which pretty much repeated the same information that had been on the original invitations. With that done Marcy sorted some laundry, yawned, cleaned up the breakfast things, yawned, thought about doing various other small bits of housework, yawned again, and finally decided to go see how Sofia's nap was getting on. Naps... yeah, they were one of the better parts of staying home part time with their youngest daughter. Because it was totally acceptable for her to snuggle up and take a nap too and since Ingrid had kept her up since four that morning some extra sleep sounded very appealing. Luckily Sofia took after her Mama and didn't so much as stir when Marcy lifted her out of her crib and carried her into the master bedroom.
"Sweet little Baby Blue Eyes, don't you ever grow up and smuggle cats into school." she murmured tiredly to the baby, who wiggled in her sleep and curled a tiny pudgy fist into her Mummy's hair with a little sigh. Marcy took a moment to appreciate her daughter's face smoothed in sleep; the spattering of freckles across her cute button nose that were so much like her Mama's, the wild bright red corkscrews of her hair and her tiny mouth relaxed in sleep instead of twitching upwards into a mischievous smile like it was so often when she was awake. Sofia was their wild child. She'd already worked out that she was cute enough to get away with almost anything and with a scarily advanced intellect and a nose for trouble she was always at the centre of everything. She was definitely going to make her mothers prematurely grey and they'd already lost a lot of sleep worrying about her but it was worth it, Marcy reflected. Because Sofia was the naughtiest kid she'd ever met and also one of the sweetest and definitely one of the cleverest. But all parents thought that about their kids, right? As she let her eyes slide closed listening to the soft breaths of her daughter as she dreamed Marcy distantly considered that yeah probably all parents thought their kids were the best, but she was definitely right because her kids were just amazing.
"Mummy."
It might have been an hour or two later but she wasn't completely certain, all she knew was that her eyelids felt like they'd been glued shut.
"Mummy. Nanatee."
Oh shit. Marceline opened her eyes and stared around blearily. There was Sofia peering at her cheekily, perched on the end of the bed with Theresa who must have let herself in with Hunson's spare key, goddammit.
"Wakey wakey eggs-and-bakey! Rise and shine, Sunflower, I brought the twins' birthday cake." TT announced happily while Sofia bounced in her arms.
"Cake!" the tiny redhead shouted happily.
"I didn't hear you knock." Marcy murmured, sitting up and feeling a bit stupid that her father's partner had caught her napping in the middle of the day.
She shook her head to try to clear some of the sleep fog before swinging herself upright and following Theresa groggily downstairs to the kitchen. There was a cake box on the counter along with a bunch of actual sunflowers and Marcy couldn't keep back the sleepy smile that crept onto her face. Every time the twins had a birthday Theresa brought her the first sunflowers of the year, she called florists and suppliers and anyone she could think of to make sure she could find the right ones and Marceline didn't have the heart to tell the older woman she wasn't really that fond of sunflowers. Secretly she'd started liking them more now anyway.
"Ta-dah!" Theresa announced proudly, lifting the lid on the cake box. Pride was an accurate reaction to producing a cake like that, Marcy thought. It was a thing of beauty, it looked like the sort of cake that would form the centrepiece of a luxury baker's portfolio. It shone in the light with a diamond bright mirror glaze over vivid rainbow swirls and tiny golden stars; the whole thing was shaped like a smooth heart-shaped pebble with tiny spun sugar unicorns galloping around it and two little circles of five unlit candles standing tall on the top.
"Cake, Mummy!" Sofia breathed with huge, amazed eyes.
"It's not for you, Blue Eyes. It's for your brother and sister's birthday tomorrow." TT told her while the baby writhed against her hold and tried to fling herself at the magnificent cake.
"NO! MINE! MY BIRTHDAY!" Sofia screamed angrily.
"Your birthday is in August, darling. You can have some cake at the party tomorrow. Come on, let's go into the lounge and you can play with Nanatee." Marcy tried soothingly. She should have known what that look of steely determination and spark of pure malice in her daughter's eyes meant but she was still a little groggy from her nap.
"No. Want cake." Sofia whispered angrily. Next second she'd opened her mouth wide and before Marcy could say and single horrified word had bitten down as hard as she could on Theresa's hand.
...
"-and the upshot of it all was that Sofia spent most of the afternoon on the naughty step, TT had to run her hand under the cold tap and tape it up with your first aid kit to stop the bleeding, I had to barricade the kitchen door shut with the broom and now I have a migraine." Marceline finished with a sigh. "And you don't get to laugh about it because it isn't even a bit funny."
"I wasn't going to laugh." Bonnie promised, although the twitch at the corner of her mouth said otherwise.
"Your child is pure evil."
"My child? Why is she just mine when she bites someone but when she potty trains herself without any prompting at only just a year old you say how amazingly smart and advanced our child is?"
"Because. Whatever. Shut up and give me kisses."
That end-of-the-day glass of wine on the sofa when the kids were all asleep and nobody was pulling anyone's hair or screaming for no reason or trying to give the cats a bath, that was the best time of the day, Marcy thought as her partner put down her wine glass on the coffee table and leaned in for some much needed affection.
"You wanna take this upstairs?" Marcy murmured against eager kisses and the familiar slide of hands across her hips.
"Mm. Kids are asleep?"
"Yup. Dead to the world."
"I think we can risk it then. Come on, beautiful."
It was as she was allowing herself to be pulled up from the sofa. Marceline froze, eyes wide and sensitive ears straining.
"What?" Bonnie asked quietly with a frown.
"Shh. Kitchen. You hear that?" Marcy whispered around a growing bubble of fear in her throat. Someone was moving around in there trying to be as quiet as possible, someone who hadn't avoided the creaky floorboard by the fridge.
"Wait here." Bonnie breathed, and silent as a ninja she tiptoed out into the hall.
"Bon! No, Bonnie! You're gonna get stabbed again!" Marceline hissed in horror.
Despite five solid years of therapy and regularly pushing herself to her limits in the gym Bonnie had never managed to completely let go of the irrational terror of helplessness that had descended on her when she'd been attacked by Dr King. What if he was out of prison early and had come for revenge? She reached up and took the dumb replica axe from some fantasy videogame Marcy had insisted on buying at Comic Con years earlier down from its mount by the stairs; it was just a replica and its edges were dull but it might still do a bit of damage if she swung it hard enough at whoever was in the kitchen. Their children were asleep upstairs, there was nothing she wouldn't do to protect them. Whoever had broken in had picked the wrong family to fuck with, she thought grimly. Something smashed and Bonnie shoved her fear away, focussed on protecting her family, and kicked the kitchen door open with a yell.
"FREEZE YOU PIECE OF-"
"Mama!"
The axe clattered to the floor out of her slack hands and Bonnie fell weakly to her knees. A complex cocktail of emotions was running through her; one part relief, two parts delayed terror, a dash of shock all shook together with the naughtiest kid who'd ever existed. Sofia was smiling angelically at her from where she'd pulled herself up into the open fridge and she was covered head to toe in rainbow streaked mirror glazing and cake crumbs. She held out a fist full of buttercream icing and vanilla sponge proudly.
"Yummy, Mama!" she announced with a giggle.
"Oh my God, the cake!" Marceline gasped from the doorway when she bravely followed a moment later. It was only because she'd completely failed to hear anything to suggest her partner was being horribly murdered that she'd delayed calling the police immediately. "Sofia, baby, how did you get out of you crib and downstairs and into the fridge? Bon, are you ok?"
"I- I thought-" Bonnie stuttered in shock.
"Mummy? Mama? Why are you shouting?"
A new voice from the stairs had Marcy whirling around in panic. Philip was standing in the hall in his dinosaur onesie rubbing his eyes sleepily and frowning up at them.
"There was a moth in the kitchen and Mama got a fright." Marceline lied smoothly, reaching out to catch the tired hug her flung around her legs. "Come on little man, it's bed time."
After Philip had been tucked back into his bed, given at least a hundred goodnight kisses and hugs, twenty sips of water, five lullabies and a few more kisses just for good luck, Marcy headed back downstairs with her head pounding worse than ever. Bonnie had at least come to her senses and was stripping the cakey pyjamas off Sofia and giving her a quick bath in the sink.
"Did you even tell her off?" Marcy asked with a frown. Now that the adrenaline had worn off she was just pissed at having her night ruined. It wasn't like she hadn't known kids were the ultimate cockblock but that didn't make it any more pleasant when it happened.
"She's eighteen months old, what good would telling her off do? And she's half asleep, it's the middle of the night. I'm just going to put her back to bed." the redhead sighed, not even turning around from where she was sponging the last of the sticky glaze out of Sofia's hair. Marceline sighed.
"Right. Ok. But we need to do something about the destroyed cake, we can't just leave it. Unless you want to deal with Ingrid's mega tantrum tomorrow when she doesn't have the dream cake at her party. Put Blue Eyes to bed and fetch my laptop, I'll preheat the oven."
"You're not seriously going to remake the entire cake tonight are you?"
"Yep. Yes I am. How hard can it be?"
"Probably impossible. Why not just call Theresa and ask for some help?"
Marceline levelled her with a stare that suggested her partner might be a bit stupid despite all the evidence to the contrary.
"Because it's almost midnight, she's fantastically old and may already have contracted rabies from being bitten by our little monster today. And there's no way in hell I'm telling her Sofia destroyed the beautiful cake she spent hours on. No, I'll remake it so damn well she won't be able to tell. You're putting Red Peril to bed and you're heading to the twenty four hour supermarket for icing supplies while I bake the cake base. Off you go."
"Night night, Mummy." Sofia told her sleepily as she waved over Bonnie's shoulder on their way out of the kitchen. Marceline sighed again and went to rummage in the cupboards for her baking supplies. This was so not how she'd wanted the night to end.