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TAXIDERMIST TROUBLE
Starring:
Little Boy
Phyllis
December
Vernon
Stony
Stan, Stan the Magic Man
Taxidermist/Bob Andersen
Officer John
SCENE I
[A quiet, sunny afternoon in the park. Enter Little Boy]
LITTLE BOY: Pooch, here Pooch! Where are you boy?
[Enter Phyllis, December, Vernon and Stony]
STONY: [to the puppet on his hand] No, that's not a very good idea.
DECEMBER: Who're you talking to, Stony?
STONY: Stan, Stan the Magic Man.
DECEMBER: You mean that gopher puppet that's always on your hand?
STONY: He's not a puppet!
DECEMBER: Uh, yeah Stony...not a puppet... Whatever you say... [To Phyllis] What's up with him, too much pot?
PHYLLIS: How should I know?
DECEMBER: Well he is your boyfriend, so you might know...
PHYLLIS: Hey, just because he's my boyfriend doesn't mean I know where he gets his stuff, or how he gets it, or even why he acts a certain way.
VERNON: Shh. I'm looking for mysteries to solve. Hey, look! It's a little boy who we can help!
DECEMBER: Huh? Where?
PHYLLIS: I see him! Let's go help!
DECEMBER: Hi little boy, how are you doing?
LITTLE BOY: ... [indicates pause]
STONY: Let me show you how it's done.
STAN: Hi little boy, I'm Stan, Stan the Magic Man. Will you tell me what's wrong?
LITTLE BOY: ...
STONY: What's wrong with you, you stupid little kid!
LITTLE BOY: [starts crying]
PHYLLIS: Stony!
DECEMBER: Don't cry, little boy. Stony's just a really mean guy, aren't you Stony?
STONY: Hey, I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet! Got any food? I got some major munchies.
DECEMBER: Take these!
STONY: Yeah man! Stoner Snacks!
VERNON: Don't worry little boy, no one will hurt you. So what's wrong?
LITTLE BOY: I lost Pooch.
PHYLLIS: Who's Pooch?
LITTLE BOY: My kitty.
[Everyone falls down anime style]
STONY: Dude, his cat's name is Pooch?
VERNON: Perplexing. It's almost an oxymoron.
STONY: Hey dude, you insulting me?
VERNON: [ignoring Stony] So where'd you last see your cat?
LITTLE BOY: He ran up that tree.
PHYLLIS: That tree right there? Okay, Stony, go up and get it.
STONY: Me? No way, not even for a Stoner Snack.
PHYLLIS: Not even for [starts whispering in his ear]?
STONY: For that?! Seriously? I'll do it!
[Climbs up into the tree and carries down the cat]
LITTLE BOY: What's wrong with Pooch?
STONY: You gave it a stupid name.
VERNON: It looks like it's been...stuffed.
LITTLE BOY: [sniffles] St-stuffed? [cries] Mommy, Daddy, Pooch was stuffed! [Exit]
PHYLLIS: What sicko would stuff a cat?
DECEMBER: A real sicko.
VERNON: A taxidermist sicko.
STONY: A stoner. [defensively] What!? Stop looking at me! I didn't do it, I swear!
PHYLLIS: So, we've got a crazy taxidermist running around, huh? Looks like a job for us.
VERNON: [deadpan] Who else but us?
DECEMBER: Well the cops are more qualified for this kinda stuff, but we always stick our noses in anyway.
STONY: Ain't that right.
VERNON: Maybe it wouldn't hurt us just once to leave this alone...
PHYLLIS: No! We're "Those Meddling Kids"! It's our anal teenage right to stick our noses into other people's business!
STAN: Yeah!
DECEMBER: Stony, put that puppet away.
STONY: He's not a puppet!
PHYLLIS: Come on, let's go find us a psychopath dressed up as a taxidermist!
VERNON: Phyllis, can't we just leave this alone, just this once?
PHYLLIS: Why on earth would we do that?
VERNON: Don't you ever get tired of hearing those criminals call us 'those meddling kids'?
DECEMBER: Yeah, I sure do.
PHYLLIS: But that's what we are! I mean, it even says that on the side of our van.
VERNON: You know, I've been meaning to get that changed.
STONY: I'm feeling hungry again...
DECEMBER: Then we'll just have to go get more Stoner Snacks.
STAN: Hooray!
DECEMBER: [snatching the puppet] I think it's time for Stan's nap.
PHYLLIS: Enough stalling. Let's get to the Conundrum Contraption and find this taxidermist.
VERNON: I guess we're gonna have no choice. We could start at that haunted house up on the hill.
STONY: Dude, haunted house? Count me out.
PHYLLIS: Not even if we [whispers into his ear]?
STONY: I'm there!
DECEMBER: Wait, I don't remember there being a haunted house in this town.
VERNON: Dee, are you forgetting about the one up there? [points]
DECEMBER: Oh yeah, that one...
STONY: December, Sunny Valley is your hometown, and you forgot about the haunted house?
DECEMBER: That's right, I forgot all about it. It's been a while since anyone talked about it.
PHYLLIS: Then that's where we'll start our investigation. Meddling Kids, onward!
DECEMBER: Way to go, Vern. We just have to go to the scariest place in town.
VERNON: [aside to December] You didn't seem all that scared the last time we went up there...
DECEMBER: [aside to Vernon] Shh, they might hear you, and they don't need to know that. It's just between you and I, remember?
VERNON: Got it. Besides, who would I tell?
DECEMBER: Just keep it quiet, okay?
STONY: Hey, what are you talking about?
VERNON: We were just, uh-
DECEMBER: I just remembered where we could go buy some more Stoner Snacks.
STONY: Really? This is postponed until more Stoner Snacks are bought.
PHYLLIS: With what money, Stony? We spent the last of it on that box of Stoner Snacks you finished about five minutes ago.
STONY: Oh man...
PHYLLIS: So it looks like we're going straight to the haunted house, then.
[All exit]
SCENE II
[Inside the haunted house. Enter Phyllis, Stony, Vernon and December]
PHYLLIS: Okay, we'll split up and search for the taxidermist. Vern and I will go this way, Stony and Dee will go that way.
STONY: Phyllis...
PHYLLIS: Oh yeah, that's right! Stony and I go this way with Stan, Vern and Dee, go somewhere else.
VERNON: Um, okay.
DECEMBER: Whatever you say, Phyllis.
STAN: We're gonna go find some food! And then Stony and Phyllis are gonna-
STONY: Stan, they don't need to know, dude.
[Exit Phyllis and Stony]
VERNON: You know, this place isn't all that bad. I can't believe anyone thinks this house is haunted.
DECEMBER: Well just look at it! Cobwebs everywhere, no sunlight at all, and clouds hang over this place 24/7! It's a creepy place.
VERNON: You ought to be used to it by now. We come up here almost every day…
DECEMBER: I'm well aware of that, but it's still creepy.
VERNON: Not that you don't like it.
DECEMBER: Did I ever say I didn't?
[They are about to kiss when Phyllis and Stony reenter, causing them to jump away from each other]
VERNON: [quickly and nervously] Phyllis! Stony! What are you doing back so soon?
DECEMBER: Yeah, what's up? Did you find something?
STONY: Well, we just found this [flashes a piece of paper], but if you two want to be alone...
VERNON: What are you talking about? Why don't you just show me the paper?
PHYLLIS: It looks like an appointment reminder.
VERNON: [reading] 'Don't forget to meet with Dr. Halberd at 10 am on 12/16.'
DECEMBER: Dr. Halberd? Isn't he a psychiatrist?
STONY: Dude, we're dealing with a mental case! Not cool!
[Enter Taxidermist, unbeknownst to the others]
STAN: Let's get out of here, Stony.
STONY: Good idea, my little gopher friend.
TAXIDERMIST: You aren't goin anywhere, kiddies! Hahahahahahahaha!!!
PHYLLIS, DEE, VERN and STONY: The Taxidermist! Aaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!
[Taxidermist starts chasing the teens around the stage, brandishing a chainsaw]
TAXIDERMIST: You aren't getting out alive! When you leave, you'll be stuffed, just like that cat!
PHYLLIS: Run away!
[Exit Phyllis, Stony, December and Vernon]
TAXIDERMIST: They'll be back, and when they are...Hahahahahahahaha!
[Exit Taxidermist, reenter teens]
STAN: Boy, that sure was scary.
DECEMBER: Boy I'll say--wait, did I just talk to a puppet?
VERNON: It appears to be that way.
DECEMBER: Augh! Stony, put that thing away!
STONY: Stan is not a puppet, he's a real gopher!
PHYLLIS: A real talking gopher with your hand up its ass?
STONY: Exactly.
STAN: Why don't they think I'm real, Stony?
STONY: I don't know, Stan.
DECEMBER: He's doing it again...
PHYLLIS: Come with me, Stony.
[Exit Vernon and December]
PHYLLIS: Now Stony, Stan is just a puppet.
[Enter Taxidermist]
TAXIDERMIST: That's what you'll be soon!
PHYLLIS: Do you mind!? We're having a conversation here!
TAXIDERMIST: Oh. Sorry.
[Exit Taxidermist]
STONY: He's not a puppet.
PHYLLIS: We'll discuss it later. Let's go get Vern and Dee, I've got a plan to catch this guy.
STAN: Oh great. I just hope this one doesn't involve dynamite.
PHYLLIS: Hey, the last time it did, how was I supposed to know that the fuse burns so fast?
STONY: She's right, you know.
STAN: Why is everyone so against me?! Is it because I'm a gopher?
PHYLLIS: It's because you're a freaking puppet! Now let's find Vernon and December.
STONY: Somehow I think they're in there.
PHYLLIS: Why in there?
STONY: Just intuition.
STAN: He's right, Vern and Dee are in that closet.
PHYLLIS: Vern and Dee? In the closet? That's a joke, right?
STONY: See for yourself.
[Opens the closet, revealing Dee and Vern inside, making out]
VERNON: Uh...hi?
DECEMBER: How's it goin?
STAN: Not as well as it is in there.
DECEMBER: Why I oughta...
PHYLLIS: Nevermind all this, you guys. We need to catch this taxidermist, and I think I know how...
[Exit Phyllis, Stony, December and Vernon; enter Taxidermist, wielding chainsaw]
TAXIDERMIST: Hahahahahaha! Hey, where'd those kids go? There were just here a minute ago.
[Starts looking around silently]
TAXIDERMIST: ...
[Turns to the left]
TAXIDERMIST: ...
[Turns to the right]
TAXIDERMIST: ...
[Enter Stony and Stan, carrying a rope; Stony throws one end of rope to opposite side of stage and drops his end]
STAN: Hey Mr. Taxidermist, we're over here!
STONY: Stan, shut up!
TAXIDERMIST: Heh heh, found you! Prepare to be skinned alive!
STONY: Way to go, Stan!
STAN: Just run!
[Exit Stony and Taxidermist; enter Phyllis, Dee and Vern from other side; Vern picks up rope]
VERNON: Stony, just keep running!
DECEMBER: But is he s'posed to be running toward us now?
PHYLLIS: No, he's not! Let's get outta here!
[Exit Phyllis and December]
VERNON: Hey, don't leave! Come back here!
[Exit Vernon; enter Stony]
STONY: Hey, where are you guys going?
STAN: Get back here you wusses! We're not done yet!
[Enter Taxidermist; he ends up center stage]
TAXIDERMIST: Looks like your friends deserted you, kid.
STONY: Not all of them. Stan, get the rope!
[He throws Stan across the stage]
STONY: Run!
[He grabs the rope and runs past the Taxidermist]
STONY: Stan, you were supposed to do the same thing as me, dude!
[Enter December and Phyllis stage left, Vernon stage right; she grabs rope and runs past Taxidermist]
DECEMBER: Phyllis, your turn!
[Phyllis takes rope from Stony, Dee passes rope to Vern; they end up tying the Taxidermist up]
PHYLLIS: Ha, my plan worked! In your face, Stan!
DECEMBER: It's just a puppet...
VERNON: So what do we do now?
PHYLLIS: We unmask the Taxidermist.
STONY: Shouldn't we call the cops?
[Enter Officer John]
OFFICER JOHN: Already here.
STONY: Dude? How?
PHYLLIS: I took the liberty of calling the cops when Dee and I ran off.
DECEMBER: So let's unmask this guy already!
[Vernon pulls off the surgical mask]
PHYLLIS: Just as I suspected!
VERNON: It's-uh, who is this guy?
STONY: Dude, I never seen this guy before in my life.
DECEMBER: Yeah, just who are you?
OFFICER JOHN: This is Bob Andersen.
PHYLLIS: I knew it!
VERNON: Bob who?
TAXIDERMIST: I'm Bob Andersen! Kill them all, kill them all! Hahahaha! Frederick says kill them all! Hahahaha! He says kill them!
OFFICER JOHN: Bob here just escaped from the mental hospital a few days ago.
DECEMBER: Mental hospital? But Sunny Valley doesn't have a mental hospital.
OFFICER JOHN: But Bellevue does.
VERNON: But that's hundreds of miles from here!
OFFICER JOHN: I know. Schizophrenics can get pretty far in a few days. I'll be taking him back now. Thanks for all your services.
[Exit Officer John and Bob Andersen]
PHYLLIS: Well, this mystery is over.
VERNON: Actually, a mystery has at least a few suspects. We were just running around trying to keep from getting killed. This wasn't exactly a mystery.
DECEMBER: Well it's over nonetheless. And on the plus side, we weren't called 'those meddling kids.'
STONY: That's a relief. Stan is getting tired of being left out. After all, that little dude helps out a lot, only to get no mention in the end.
DECEMBER: I'm not even going to bother...
PHYLLIS: You know, I'm feeling a little disappointed. I'm only in this for being called a meddling kid.
VERNON: To tell you the truth, I was glad we weren't insulted this time around.
[There's a scream from off stage, and the sound of a chainsaw]
PHYLLIS: What the-?!
[Enter Bob Andersen; he proceeds to hack apart the teens as they scream in agony]
BOB: [raising chainsaw] Hahaha! I've done it! I got away with it, too, even with those meddling kids!
PHYLLIS: Thanks!
BOB: Quiet you!
[He silences Phyllis with the chainsaw]
BOB: ...
BOB: Well, I guess I could stuff them now...
BOB: ...
BOB: ...
STAN: Bob Andersen. Listen to me Bob Andersen. You aren't done yet. Go down into the valley and kill them all. You must kill them all. They say you're stupid, that you're weak. You aren't going to take that, are you? Kill them all Bob! Kill them all!!!
BOB: Aah! No, not again! Not again! Just shut up! The puppet is talking to me! Just shut up! Puppets can't talk!
[Exit Bob, screaming]
STONY: I told you Stan isn't just a puppet!
DECEMBER: Oh shut up...
THE END