Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Gundam belongs to everyone but Yoshiyuki Tomino now. We asked, he doesn't want it anymore.

Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino
Baked Space Potato

The Gundam has already risen, move along now.

[One.]

It is the year Double-Oh-Seven-Nine of the Universal Century–or Twenty-One Fifty-Nine by the Common Era purists out there. A half century has passed since the Earth moved its burgeoning population into gigantic orbiting space colonies. A new home for mankind, where people are born and raised… and die spectacularly.

Twenty years prior, the cluster of colonies furthest from the Earth, called Side Three, proclaimed itself the Principality of Zeon… and didn't do much else. Literally nothing happened; in fact the governing body of Earth found this rather quaint. Much in the same vein as a family smiling and nodding when their toddler or elderly uncle declared themselves the king and/or queen of cheese, the Earth enabled the republic to experiment with self rule in the cold vacuum of space.

Then the Zabi family took over around Double-Oh-Six-Eight, and everything took a turn for the bad. Ten years later, the Principality of Zeon launched a war of independence against the Earth Federation. Initial fighting lasted one month with Zeon exacting massive tolls of human life in their genocidal attacks on the Earth Federation. People were horrified by the indescribable atrocities that had been committed in the name of independence… but most of them ended up being killed anyway.

Eight months have passed since the fighting began, they are at a stalemate.

Luna Two, the Earth Federation Space Force's sole remaining foothold in space in an orbit position opposite of the Moon, was the unlikeliest place to keep a space fortress. However, its disadvantageous position relative to Side Three turned out to be a blessing, as the Zeon lacked the ability to reach the distant space fortress en masse with the same ease it reached and attacked every other Federation asset in the Earth Sphere–including the Earth itself.

With the Federation focused on driving the Zeon and their army of giant robots off the surface of the Earth, and Zeon focused on trying to crush the Federation with their army of giant robots, things were rather quiet in the "Ol' Space Potato"–as it was affectionately known to those who served in it. Rather, it wasquiet until the Federation's newest battleship showed up with a boatload of refugees and several very important prototype weapons after they absconded from the nearby half-complete colony where they were all supposed to be held in secret.

Commodore Wolfgang "Gene" Wakkein, the man in charge of Luna Two was quite exasperated by this unexpected arrival and the massive breaches of security, so he did what any commanding officer stuck in a situation he wasn't prepared to deal with did: He detained everyone aboard the ship and tried to get to work sorting everything out.

"No, no, that can't be right."

Wakkein looked to the pretty red-haired Sergeant, his assistant, who was reading the records of one of the witnesses he was about to interview. The two were walking towards the hastily prepared interrogation room where he sat. "What is it, Sergeant Takizawa?"

The twenty year old looked up from the tablet PC she was examining the records of their witness. "Apparently this is Professor Tem Ray's son, but…"

Wakkein looked genuinely surprised… and a little horrified. "Wait. You're telling me that, somehow, Tem Ray successfully reproduced?"

"It's what it says. Amuro 'Grand Slam' Ray: also known as 'The Red Haired Bandit', also known as 'The Spokane Firebug', also known as 'The Hero of Vancouver', also known as 'Tater Salad', also known as… 'Baron Samedi'?"

Wakkein looked at the tablet. "… Baron Samedi?"

Takizawa nodded. "It's what it says." She continued. "Age fifteen, height one hundred sixty eight centimeters, likes long walks on the beach, taking apart machinery, marathon sex sessions, and his Live Gamer Tag is Zero-sen."

"Wait, what?"

A long silence followed, and Wakkein looked again as Takizawa's face colored when she realized what she had said. Wakkein hummed. "Well, I guess that second to last one would explain how we found him."

He placed his hand over the keypad to the door, after returning the salutes of the guards standing by it. "Let's get this over with."

With a hydraulic hiss, the door opened and Wakkein and his assistant entered to find a somewhat unassuming young man with curly reddish-brown hair sitting at a table complete with the usual interrogation spread: A tape recorder, a container with several pencils, a pad of paper, and a pitcher of ice cold lemonade and a half full glass.

He looked up at Wakkein and Takizawa, and waved with his shackled hands. "Hi."

Wakkein coughed and cleared his throat. "So… Baron Samedi…?"

Amuro Ray's eyes widened briefly, and he glared at him. "Never call me that again."

"Right…" Wakkein sat down across from Amuro and folded his hands on the table. "According to Ensign Bright Noa, you were the one who was piloting the Gundam during the attack on Side Seven."

"Yes, I was in it when you personally came to arrest me," Amuro replied with a hint of annoyance.

Wakkein reached up and pulled down the bill over his hat over his eyes briefly. "Yes. Yes you were. Now then can you tell me-?"

"I didn't get to finish," Amuro pointed out.

Wakkein lifted his hat up. "Tell me what happened at Side Seven!"

"Bright told you, didn't he?"

"Yes, but to confirm the veracity of his account, we have to interview others involved in the incident and you were the one who decided to take our three billion dollar prototype for a spin." Wakkein emphasized the monetary value specifically, but Amuro reacted to this with indifference.

"A spin, huh? My home gets attacked by Zeon, Zakus are blowing the shit out of innocent people trying to flee for safety and y'all think I thought that it was a perfect time to jump into the giant robot sitting out in the open and take it for a joyride."

Wakkein sighed and gestured emphatically. "No, I'm not saying that."

"You implied I jumped into the Gundam with intentions other than stopping the attack," Amuro argued.

Before Wakkein could deny this, Takizawa pointed out, "You somewhat did, sir."

"The point is!" Wakkein glared at Takizawa briefly before looking back to Amuro. "You can tell us more about what happened, so we can start sorting this out."

Amuro drank his glass of lemonade, and then began pouring himself some more. "My friend Frau Bow and I were on our way to the shelter, when my Dad called me over to the Gundam. He gave me the operation manual and told me to go 'kill those Zeon sons of bitches'. So I did."

Wakkein gaped at Amuro. "Your father gave you the Gundam."

"Yes, it was good that he called us over when he did. If we'd kept going, we would've been blown to bits by the Zaku shooting everywhere like an idiot."

He gripped the glass as he took a drink from it, openly seething with contempt. Wakkein just sighed, while Takizawa regarded the boy with a look of honest sympathy. Amuro noted her gaze, and his harsh expression softened as he lowered his glass back on the table.

"Alright, why did your Father give you the Gundam?" Wakkein asked.

"I imagine it was partly because by that point the majority of all would-be pilots were either dead or dying or realizing that they were going to be dead or dying in the immediate future. Mainly though, I knew the Gundam as well as Dad did, so if anyone was going to pilot it, why not me?"

"Why not your father?"

"Because Dad figured I would be safest in the Gundam, and what do you know, he was right? Shocking!"

So Tem Ray wanted to save his son, interesting. "What happened to Tem?"

"He said he was going to let himself be captured by the Zeon so he could fuck them up from the inside," Amuro explained.

Wakkein stared blankly at Amuro.

"Yeah, it's what he said."

Wakkein closed his eyes and sighed, wondering to himself how desperate the Federation was if they honestly placed the task of building their war-winning weapon in the hands of an unstable man like Tem Ray. In all likelihood, the man was dead, but the kid was already under a lot of stress and was cooperating… so he wasn't going to follow this line of conversation.

"Alright, post battle. What happened afterward and what did Bright tell you?" Amuro was exchanging glances with Takizawa as Wakkein spoke. "Ahem."

Amuro returned his attention to the Commodore. "Well, after I beat the Zeon forces and captured one of their Zakus-."

Wakkein was surprised. "Wait, you captured a Zaku?"

"Yeah, I punched the cockpit until the pilot had the consistency of hamburger, but I caught a Zaku intact, I'm thinking about repairing it; it'll be something to keep me preoccupied." Amuro paused. "But I digress, after I brought the Zaku aboard the ship, Bright congratulated me and said he owed me a beer for being a good sport about all of this."

That matched up, though Captain Cassius, the man in command of the White Base was still in emergency surgery so he couldn't get a testimony from him just yet. "And afterward the White Base left for Luna Two."

"Yeah, I fought the Red Comet himself along the way and managed to drive him off. Though it wasn't too bad, now if it was the Crimson Lightning…"

"Right." Wakkein didn't want to hear it, besides he was pretty sure it was more the Gundam than the kid that made dealing with the Red Comet easy. "That'll be all for now."

The Public Address speaker in the room clicked on with a bit of feedback static, and a male officer's voice spoke. "Commodore Wakkein you are wanted in the sickbay, Captain Cassius has just left emergency surgery and is in recovery."

Wakkein got up. "Right on time, too. Sergeant Takizawa, see Amuro back to confinement with the others. I'll be going on ahead." He looked to Amuro. "Don't cause me anymore trouble, alright? We'll be getting you and your friends someplace safe before you know it."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Amuro said before Wakkein quietly departed the interrogation room. Soon as the door closed, he looked over to Sergeant Takizawa, who smiled politely to him and stepped over to unlock his shackles.

"So," He said as she inserted the key and popped the cuffs, "I didn't get to finish."

The young woman looked up at him, and her brows rose. "Hm?"

Amuro smiled to her. "Want to help?"

About twenty minutes later, a roughed up and bruised Amuro was thrown into the detention block cell he shared with several other young gentlemen, one of them being the aforementioned Ensign Bright Noa, a stoic-looking young man of nineteen years who already looked like he'd dealt with enough dumb shit to last two lifetimes. The other two, a pair of Hispanic youths by the names of Ryu Jose and Kai Shiden–why they had Japanese names was anyone's guess–quickly got up to attend to their fallen comrade.

"Jesus Amuro, what happened?" The stocky, built like a tank and could probably punch one in half Ryu asked the beaten young man.

"Knowing him, he probably tried to be a smartass to the Warden and got his ass handed to him," Kai, tall and lanky and with a perpetual ne'er-do-well look about him, taunted.

Bright stood up, the black-haired Englishman narrowed his eyes. "Did he try to beat anything out of you?" He asked with a noticeably absent accent.

"First off Kai, go fuck yourself." Amuro got up and rubbed his neck. "Second off, no Bright, Wakkein didn't try to beat anything out of me. He did this when he came back after talking to the Captain."

Bright stopped, and then sighed. "What did you do?"

Amuro smiled. "His assistant."

Bright's eyes widened, and after a moment of contemplation nodded and he became less stoic. "Well! That's two beers I owe you."

"So, now what happens?" Amuro asked as he sat down on the bench.

Bright sat down with him. "Well, for now we wait for Char to come attack us so I can rub in Wakkein's face what he said about Char being too pussy to try to attack Luna Two to get at the White Base."

"And if Char doesn't attack?" Amuro asked.

"Oh he definitely will attack, trust me," Bright assured him. "Now, did the carpet match the drapes on Takizawa?"

Amuro smirked. "I couldn't tell, there was no carpet."

"Nice."

[Eye Catch]

Char Aznavel, the legendary Red Comet, the mysterious masked man who sank five Magellan-class Battleships at the cataclysmic Battle of Loum eight months prior, was rather amused at the current predicament he'd swashbuckled his way into. Despite the arrival of a highly valuable (and highly visible) ship like the recently codenamed "Trojan Horse" the security of Luna Two appeared as relaxed as it had ever been.

It told him that the person in charge of this base was a prudent man who saw things rather realistically. Char was only one man leading a force that comprised of a single Musai-class cruiser that only had–after their most recent romp with the Gundam–three Zakus to work with including his own. Realistically, a man with Char's experience would think twice about launching an operation with so little at his disposal, attacking Luna Two with such a small force was extremely dangerous.

Unfortunately for the man in charge of Luna Two, Char Aznavel grew up watching Darkwing Duck.

"Let's get dangerous."

"Uh, what sir?"

Char, looked to the man at his right, one of the commando team he was leading on this daring raid of the asteroid base, and realized that the com of his fabulously salmon-colored normal suit was still on. Sighing, he shook his head and turned his head to survey the craggy surface of the mining asteroid-turned-fortress. The gun ports, the fighter launch bays, and and the main entrance had all been lined with explosives and now it was just a matter of setting it all off and causing all sorts of havoc.

"I was just thinking of the one-liner to use when I set off the explosions," He explained to his subordinate.

"Oh, how about 'Time to bake this space potato', Lieutenant?" The commando suggested.

The silence that followed was almost as awkward as that time one of the techs had tried to make a smoothie with a Zaku's turbopump. Though far less messy.

"Space yourself," Char said to the subordinate. At his horrified expression, he smiled. "Nah, I'm just messing with you. That was actually pretty good!"

The subordinate smiled, the tension leaving his shoulders. "Thank you sir!"

Char then stood up. "Alright, time to bake this space potato… bitch!" He hit the detonator, and all hell quickly broke loose all around Luna Two as good portions of it were lit up by small explosions. These small explosions were only the start as secondary and much larger explosions followed as fuel lines and temperamental batteries were ignited, until the entire asteroid was burning in space thanks to the oxygen spewing out of the breaches torn open by the force of the blasts.

"Fraternizing with a civilian, a civilian in detainment no less, Sergeant! Do you have any idea the kind of penalties that is going to incur? What were you thinking!" Wakkein lividly shouted at soon to be Corporal (if she was lucky) Takizawa in the main control center of the base. He wasn't one for public dress downs, but this was unprecedented.

"He was very persuasive." It was really all she could say, because it was pretty much true.

It was then that the explosions caused Luna Two to shudder violently, causing everyone to suddenly fly into the walls adjacent to them and start floating in microgravity. Floating away from the wall, his hat flipping through the air above his head, Wakkein narrowed his eyes before he reached up to grab it. "What was that?"

As the various bridge bunnies of the control center began calling out the rapidly growing list of shit going wrong in the supposedly impenetrable fortress, a call came up on the emergency line. Sergeant (for now) Takizawa picked up the phone and answered it. "Yes? Oh, Ensign, sir… yes? Yes? Oh, I'll tell him."

She looked to Wakkein, her face the picture of professionalism. "Ensign Noa says it was Char, the Zeon are attacking Luna Two to get their hands on the Gundam like he said they would, and he wanted me to add 'Now go kindly eat a dick, Commodore'." She raised her hand in a salute. "Your orders, sir?"

Wakkein put his hat on, and tried his best to allay his frayed nerves. "Bring me Bright Noa's dick roasted over an open fire, but after you launch the Magellan!"

Down in the brig, Amuro was impressed. "Wow, remind me to never bet against you on anything."

"Damn right," Bright replied smugly. "Now let's get out of here. Ryu, get the door."

"You got it, jefe." Ryu said as he headed over to the door and began kicking it with all his might, bracing himself against the frame. As the heavy metal door began to give rapidly under the brawny man's assault, Kai piped up.

"So, how'd you figure Char would attack the base anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know. This is the guy who took on five Magellean-class by himself and walked away without a scratch, decided on a lark to swoop in on foot personally to do recon in a hangar full of armed Federation soldiers back at Side Seven, and wears pink and doesn't give a damn."

"So he's either insane, has balls big enough to change the orbit of a colony, or both?" Kai asked.

"I'm betting both."

"My money's in with Bright!" Amuro declared.

"Hey, the door's locks were open because the power went out. But since I bent it already, I figured I'd go all in." Ryu had successfully kicked the door… in half.

"Sheesh, talk about the lowest bidder," Kai said.

"They make the doors themselves," Bright said.

"Well that's even more depressing…"

Amuro stuck his head out the door. "Alright, let's find Mirai and Sayla and get the hell out of this baking space potato."

Bright calmly stepped out and walked over to the adjacent door. Then, mimicking great effort, he wrenched the door open, revealing a pair of lovely young women. A beautiful Asian brunette Bright's age who looked quite relieved to see him, and a slightly younger, stunning blonde who was even happier to see Amuro peeking around their savior.

"That wasn't so hard." Bright said before he looked to them. "Ladies, your heroes have arrived."

"Bright!" Mirai Yashima cheerfully called as she got up and floated over to him.

"Amuro!" Sayla Mass nearly knocked both aside as she flew out and hugged the man they called Tater Salad. Amuro and Sayla spun about in the free fall, nearly slamming into the bulkhead. Glomping in zero-gee was best left to professionals, they both decided.

"Miss me?" Amuro asked.

Sayla smiled. "Tons."

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Kai," Bright said.

"Fuck you, man!"

Bright turned and gestured for the others to follow. "Let's get the hell out of here."

As the Noa party left the brig of Luna Two, in the main docking bay their destination, the Pegasus-class Mobile Carrier White Base–the Federation's newest warship and major plot device of this story–was still in lockdown even as the rest of the base prepared for battle. Inside the hangar of the ship, fifteen year old Frau Bow, a strangely named young woman of no German descent at all approached the highest-ranked of the handful of Federation soldiers guarding the numerous civilians on board at gunpoint.

"The Zeon are attacking the base, aren't you going to do something? Take us civilians to safety? Anything?"

The officer in question looked down at Frau Bow, and the three adorable children that followed her like a group of ducklings behind their momma. Reaching up with the hand not clutching his assault rifle, he adjusted his helmet. "No can do, Miss. We don't have orders from the Commodore."

"Then ask the Commodore for orders!" Frau shouted. "At the very least, make a judgement call!"

"I'm not paid enough to do that, ma'am," The soldier replied.

"Was that your excuse for losing at Loum, you jerk?"

The soldier took offense to that. "Hey, I lost friends there!"

Another rumbling began shaking the ship, and Frau ran over to a window to she one of the ships moving, the flagship of the fleet stationed at Luna Two and the lead ship of her class, the Magellan. Seeing the green-painted big-gun battleship moving as well, the soldier smirked. "See that? The Magellan's already sortieing. The Commodore's got this under control."

Frau stared blankly out the porthole. "The Magellan is going out there."

The soldier nodded. "Yep."

"The same Magellan that Char Aznavel destroyed five of in a single battle." Frau emphasized as the ship fell out of the porthole's field of view and began exiting the docking bay for open space.

The soldier grew indignant. "We weren't ready for them then but we are now! Besides, that's the invincible Magellan, it's survived many encounters with the Zeon and came out unscathed every time!"

Outside the asteroid, Char looked to his cronies. "Hey guys, any ideas for a one-liner this time? Make it quick!"

"Uh… it's time to blow this… space… Popsicle stand?" Suggested the same subordinate from before.

"Space yourself," Char immediately commanded. "Nah, just kidding, but that was terrible. Anyone else?"

"Ooh, ooh, I got one! Hey Magellan, you're not making it home this time, either!" Another suggested.

"Topical and educational, I like that." Char held up a second detonator. "Hey Magellan, you're not making it home this time either… bitch!"

The ensuing explosions shook Luna Two again, and the groaning and screeching of steel on steel action sounded even inside the White Base. The soldier Frau had been arguing with looked around in surprise. "W-what was that?"

"That would be the Commodore 'having this' I think," Frau answered.

A voice called out from above, "Ride the Lightning motherfuckers!"

Much to Frau's shock, Amuro suddenly landed with a kick to the guard's head, knocking him out. Springing through the air, Amuro twisted his body and kicked a second soldier in the head. "And one for you!"

Bright and Ryu quickly fell upon the remaining soldiers, incapacitating them as Amuro sprung back over and landed with Frau. "How you doing?"

"Amuro!" Frau quickly hugged him.

"Was all this violence really necessary?" Kai demanded.

"Probably not, but this is an emergency breakout and there are quotas to fill in this sort of thing," Bright replied before dishing out the orders. "Amuro, get the Gundam free from impound, everyone else to the bridge."

Out in space, the Musai-class cruiser Falmel approached the "brewing up" asteroid. In front of it, two examples of Zeon's prized giant robots, the MS-Oh-Six-F Zaku Two, rapidly approached on the flanks of a bright pink and red MS-Oh-Six-S Zaku Two Commander Type piloted by the Red Comet himself. The brightly colored machine was otherwise identical to its green on green wingmates, but it was what was inside that counted–the Commander Type was thirty percent faster than the standard F-Type.

"Man, look at it go," The pilot of the Zaku at Char's left said as another explosion flashed from the asteroid. "It really looks like a baked potato."

Char realized then how hungry he was.

The Zaku pilot at his right was eager to get to action. "Capturing the Trojan Horse and the Gundam's going to be a piece of cake!"

Cake would be great. Strawberry cake, with red frosting. "God, I'm hungry."

"Sir?" Lefty asked.

Char realized that he really needed to keep tab on the com. "Nothing. Now remember, both of you, our objective is to capture or destroy the Trojan Horse and the Gundam. Try not to die like the last handful of pilots."

Righty laughed. "Oh come on, I won't fall for their tricks. You know what they say sir, fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on the glaring political schism of the Zabi family!"

"Amen, brother," Char replied.

Honestly, Bright would be taking better care to acknowledge the gravity of the situation, were it not so satisfying to see the Magellan heavily damaged and wedged into the main entrance of Luna Two. He called it, like a God-Damned psychic, but did Wakkein listen? Of course not, Bright was just some rookie Ensign who couldn't possibly know anything at all.

"Schadenfreude," Mirai said.

Bright looked down from the Captain's seat to Mirai, who was seated at the helm of the White Base. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, sir, it just came to mind randomly," Mirai replied as she continued her flight check.

Sayla was sitting at the communications console, communicating with Amuro. "So what happened to your face, did you get beat up while they were interrogating you?"

"A little, can you come kiss it better?" Amuro asked.

"Come back alive and I'll kiss anywhere you like."

Amuro's eyes went wide. "I'm holding you to that."

Commodore Wakkein then barged in on the channel. "Bright Noa, what the hell are you doing?"

"Commodore, I'm so relieved to see you're safe," Bright said as one of the many launches leaving the stricken Magellan came up alongside the White Base. "So, how was that dick I told you to eat?"

"All I need is you, a knife, and a blowtorch and you'll find out in the worst way, Ensign."

"No, I'm not going to watch you eat your own dick, sir," Bright protested.

Wakkein's face turned purple, and not because of sudden explosive decompression. "I'm coming aboard to put a bullet through your skull!"

"Can that wait for until after we've stopped the Zeon attack?" Bright asked.

"No, I'm coming aboard, shooting you, shooting that brat in the Gundam, and whoever the hell he was plowing in the Gundam's cockpit before!"

Sayla recoiled. "H-hey!"

"Calm down, all of you! Can't you see we're in a life or death situation?" Mirai was acknowledging the gravity of the moment.

"I'm going to shoot you, too, if you don't shut your whore mouth!" Wakkein had lost his composure.

So did Mirai, as she got up, pulled a pistol from the console, and headed for the exit. "Alright, let's do this."

Miraculously, a voice of reason spoke up. "Commodore Wakkein, Ensign Noa, that will be quite enough!"

"Oh thank God," Sayla sighed as Captain Paolo Cassius, the incapacitated captain of the White Base, phoned in from Luna Two's sickbay recovery room. "Someone with actual authority."

"Look at the two of you, bickering like children when there's a war going on and people are dying! Bright, Wakkein may be a bit of a tool but he's only doing the best he can in these circumstances, he made a poor judgement call underestimating Char and he'll have to live with it. One day, you will do the same, and have to live with it as well."

Bright grimaced, and then looked away. "Sir."

"Wakkein," Cassius then turned his ire onto the Commodore, "Bright may be a bit of an asshole, but he and the crew of this ship have experienced enough fighting Char over these last few days to know what they're up against and what they can do. Right now, they're the only ones who can stop Char's attack, so trust them to resolve this matter!"

Wakkein stared at Cassius, and then relented. "Yes sir, but someone has to answer to Jaburo for this."

"I will, it was my orders that landed those kids in their situation, I will take all responsibility," Cassius responded with a heavy sadness to his voice.

Wakkein cooled off. "I see, yes sir."

"Wow, there's a man," Mirai said.

"Captain…" Bright was trying not to burst into tears.

Cassius nodded. "Well, what are you waiting for, boys? Go kill those Zeon sons of bitches!"

Fire burned in Wakkein's and Bright's eyes, as they both clenched their fists and nodded. "YES SIR!"

"Sir the Musai is rapidly approaching Luna Two head on!" One of the bridge bunnies whose name escapes the author called from their position suspended above Bright.

"There are three Zakus in front, one of them is Char's!" The second announced with great urgency.

It's a good thing he made it so easy to spot him. "Alright here's the plan. Who knows how a fusion cannon works?" Bright's question was met with silence all around. "Well it's time for me to science you guys. Mirai, ramp up the Minovsky Craft System to full power! Gunnery Officer, prepare the Mega Particle Cannon. Amuro, get out there and make sure our Zeon friends hang out around the front of Luna Two's entrance!"

Amuro replied, "Is this a suicide mission?"

"When has it not been one?"

"Roger, Gundam heading out!"

Bright then turned his head to see Wakkein and Sergeant Takizawa enter the bridge. "Wakkein, I have to blow up the Magellan."

"Eh, it's blocking the entrance either way. I just hope whatever you have planned doesn't kill us all," Wakkein responded.

Bright cracked his knuckles. "It might."

The catapult doors of the White Base opened, casting a growing light over Amuro as he sat in the darkened cockpit of the most powerful weapon yet constructed by the Federation, the RX-Seventy-Eight-Dash-2 Gundam. Frankly, he wasn't entirely sure about the idea of him going out there and fighting while Bright had some crazy plan in the works. But, he trusted the lieutenant so far and hadn't suffered for it, so why the hell not?

"Amuro Ray, launching!"

Outside, and rapidly approaching the asteroid, Char frowned. "Wait a minute, is that…?"

White limbs, blue and red torso, glowing yellow eyes that saw into the soul of men and machine alike, ah yeah, it was shooting at them too. Oh, at least it had that useless bazooka instead of that terrifying beam rifle. "Alright guys, here comes the Gundam; remember to spread out and attack it while I keep its attention!"

"Yes Lieutenant!" Lefty and Righty shouted back.

Like a ballerina wearing thousands of pounds of powered armor forged by the Adeptus Mechanicus, Char's Zaku easily dodged the missiles fired from the Gundam's Hyper Bazooka. Char smirked. "Using that same useless weapon as before?"

"Dude, you have to seriously do something about that radio!" Amuro shouted back.

Char gave pause. "Damn it."

He opened fire with his one hundred-twenty millimeter machine gun, the rounds pelting against the Gundam's armor in complete violation of physics. Dodging the rest of the burst, Amuro fired again at Char, who dodged the rocket ninja fast.

"Why is a bright pink mobile suit floating in the dead of space so hard to hit?" Amuro complained.

"It's red, asshole!" Char said as he fired at the top of the Gundam's head and shoulders.

"In what world? It's pink dude, salmon! The same shade as the women's uniforms in the Federation!" Amuro blocked the rounds with the Gundam's bright red shield. "See the shield? This is red! You are pink!"

"Don't get technical on me you little jackass!" Char kicked the Gundam, sending it flying.

"You're a bitch! A bitch!" Amuro yelled as he was thrown forward into his seat.

Aboard the White Base, Sayla was trying her best to ignore the back and forth between the two, even though Amuro was right. "He's really got to do something about that radio."

"How long until you're going to fire that thing, Ensign?" Wakkein asked Bright.

"Let the Zeon get closer," Bright replied.

One of those two bridge bunnies called down. "Um, Amuro's getting his ass kicked out there."

"He'll be fine."

"Sure doesn't look it, I mean, it's three on one out there, straight up gangbang."

"All holes filled, man," The other bridge bunny added.

"It's just like in my fanfiction," Mirai noted.

Bright folded his hands on his lap. "You're terrible at counting, it's only two on one."

The bridge bunny blinked in confusion. "What?"

Bazooka destroyed, shield sliced through, Amuro was in trouble as he dodged a hatchet wielding pink Zaku much in the same way he dodged an angry Ms. Bow after she caught him in Frau's room that one time.

"Man, we didn't even do anything," Amuro complained to himself of the incident when he thought about it.

"What are you talking about?" Char said as he used some fancy maneuvers to try to attack his side with the brightly glowing heat hawk.

Amuro drew one of the Gundam's deadlier weapons, the beam saber, and parried the strike. "I was thinking about when I almost banged your mom the night before last!"

"Almost banged?" Char asked as Lefty brought his Zaku around to attack the Gundam's back.

"I got him, Lieutenant!" These would go down as famous last words.

Amuro drew the Gundam's second backpack mounted beam saber, ignited it and stabbed Lefty's Zaku without so much as glancing back. "Yeah, I wasn't interested in your sloppy seconds!"

"Oh you are gonna get it!" Char yelled, and even with two beam sabers, Amuro was surprised at how much better Char was at melee combat. Relative velocities be damned, he was a monster.

"Lieutenant, Lefty's dead!" Righty shouted.

"I've got the Gundam, go with the Falmel to Luna Two and capture the Trojan Horse!" Char angrily yelled as he introduced the Gundam's cockpit block to the sole of his Zaku's foot for the nth time.

"Huh, what do you know, now it's one on one." Bright said as the remaining non-pink Zaku approached with the Falmel in tow.

The bridge bunny concerned about the proximity of Amuro's ass in relation to Char's boot called down to the Ensign. "Are you a wizard?"

"I'm The Wizard, and for my next trick I'm going to make a bunch of assholes disappear." Bright stood up and pointed straight ahead fabulously. "FIRE AT THE MAGELLAN!"

Just beneath the bridge of the White Base, the twin barrels of the large Mega Particle Cannon turret situated on a retractable elevator began to glow, before they spewed bright fuchsia straight into the hull of the Magellan, destroying the damaged ship's Minovsky-Type fusion reactor. Due to the laws of Minovsky physics, the interaction of high energy plasmas within and without the reactor not explainable without a math PhD (or a smug sense of superiority on an Internet forum) resulted in what is commonly called an uncontrollable nuclear and thermal reaction-Better known as an explosion.

From just outside the asteroid, Righty found himself shielding his eyes from the bright lights shining from the entrance to the asteroid base. "What the…?"

Instantly the Zaku was vaporized by the thermonuclear explosion funneled through the base's entrance and went on to burn away the starboard-most portion of the Musai-class's engine block. The imbalance of thrust caused the ship to point towards the right, exposing most of its bow to the rest of the blast as it passed like a freight train, heavily damaging the ship further.

Char looked out towards the damaged Musai, and then towards the Gundam rushing towards his Zaku with both beam sabers ready. "Well, it would appear I've been screwed."

"And now you will be skewered!" Amuro declared before both beam sabers cut out on him, leaving only the glowing hilts to dent the Zaku's armor. "Crap."

Char kicked the Gundam in the head, and then blasted away. "This isn't over, Gundam!"

"You're running away, that's pretty much the definition of over!"

"Shut the fuck up! Dren, if you can, make best speed out of here. If we lose the Falmel now, we're all fucked!" Char yelled as the damaged Musai managed to correct its turn and blasted off into the darkness of space.

Cheers broke out aboard the White Base, as Bright folded his arms and smirked. "And that, kids, is how you counterattack Char."

Wakkein pulled a grimace, but he had to give props where it was due. "Alright, you destroyed a Federation battleship, damaged every other ship in the docking bay, and reduced the entrance of the base to a tube of molten slag… but you did good."

"Send the bill to Captain Cassius." Bright looked over towards the monitors at Sayla's station. "How was that, Captain?"

A long, continuous tone sounded in the bridge, coming from the speakers. It took everyone a minute to realize that it was the sound of an EKG monitor flat-lining. Sayla looked back towards Bright and Wakkein. "Guys, I think the Captain's dead."

The bridge became quiet again, except for that continuous tone, until finally Sayla awkwardly turned down the volume. Bright buried his face in his palm.

"… Fuck."

A/N: A Gundam fanfic, but it's not N Gundam? I apologize, I haven't gotten around to that yet, my muse is a fickle bitch. In the meanwhile, have yourself some Gundam Crack Cocaine.