ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO
DECEMBER 2, 2009
I scratched my thumb, picking with the small piece of skin that persisted to stay in place and instead came loose every time I practically touched it. My eyes concentrated on the small piece, a sting ran through the finger when I happened to pull a bit too hard and the small hole started to drain blood.
I flinched, just my luck. While small drops of red formed my eyes diverted to the window. It was snowing outside, the three houses I could see from my room was covered with white beautiful snow. Since none of my neighbours were too interested in Christmas traditions there were no annoying lights and decorations that destroyed the sight. It was just peaceful and nice.
The scene must be very ironical, a teenager all alone in a dark house describing how awful Christmas decorations were and the neighbours that was so peaceful. Shit, it must look funny.
A distant vibrating was heard through the empty room, making me jump a bit where I was sitting on the floor with my back against the bed. I once again diverted my eyes towards the sleek black phone that lay a few inches from my left knee. The screen went black again, but not before I could see that I had one new message.
I bit my lip. Without having to watch the screen, I had known that I had gotten a text. The vibrating sound that came when a new message was received was well known by now, and even though I didn't want to know about it, I did. Every time the sound was heard, a small tug in my stomach told me that it was that kind of vibrate, giving me the unwished information that I had a new message.
A week ago, I would have dived for my phone immediately, touched the screen like a pro and read the new message. But today, I just let my eyes run over the black surface, keeping my fingers to myself. A small part of me wanted to dive for it, but that small part was hastily pushed to the back again when the bigger part reminded it who it would be. I didn't need to check it, because there would be no smiley, just some words and the ridiculous heart that was not written out of love, but routine.
My teeth took a better grip on my bottom lip while I changed my eyes out the window again. It wasn't a window really, it was the balcony doors that lead out to the balcony, and the doors were in glass. But I rather call it window, it sounds better and it always will.
It was strange, because I didn't know if I should cry or do something else. I knew something was wrong, I'd known since four days ago. But even back then, I did not cry. I even imagined that it was something I was imagining, that the feeling would pass with time. It didn't, maybe it just developed, and maybe it still was.
I let the minutes pass; pretend I didn't have the phone where I was at the moment. Let them think I was doing something else; I was busy and didn't need the phone. Let them know that I was not desperate…
Maybe I was desperate. Maybe that was why I did not dive for the phone at the exact second I heard the vibrate. Maybe that was why I was just sitting here, why I didn't even try to entertain myself. Maybe that was the reason why I didn't even do the homework I had planed to do. Why I just sat there, letting the phone be touched only by my eyes while my brain worked on ideas of what the words in there would be saying.
It was a battle that had been going on for three days. And I did not know for how many more days it would be going on.
Weren't we going to study today?3
2 Dec. 2009 01:41PM
From: Bolton
I read the message again. It was blank, no hidden words or meanings. No smiley or happy word, just blank. It was the same message that I got yesterday, even though I replied back.
I let out a small sigh and closed my eyes hard. Why should I write back? The same question came yesterday, and I got no reply back when I replied. Maybe replying tonight would be a good idea, but the thought disappeared and I decided to just press the 'reply' button and type the same answer as I did yesterday.
I have nothing to study w3
2 Dec. 2009 01:47PM
To: Bolton
As I pressed the 'send' button, I thought about the heart present. Wondered why he wrote it, if he really wanted to write it or just did it because he always does. I didn't write it before I met him, but when we'd hung out a couple of times and I used to chat with his friends, he always asked if I wrote a heart, if I didn't he said that he always did and that the people would think that he was mad or something if he didn't. At first I laughed at him, telling him with a joking tone that he sounded kind of gay. But he just looked at me and decided to not say something back. After that, I started to write hearts too. Because for me, it meant something.
But at this moment, it didn't mean a thing. The situation was distant, sleek, insecure and timid. Nothing I had experienced before, and nothing I had ever thought would happen to us.
Oh but we were going to study today, well whatever then 3
2 Dec. 2009 01:48PM
From: Bolton
I sighed. I knew we had decided to study today, but that was four days ago. Before things changed. There was no reason to take a long time before I sent a reply, because somewhere I knew it would be end of discussion. I would not get a reply back once I replied. Even though I knew he always did, this time he wouldn't.
I know but I had to finish it. But can't you study anyway?3
2 Dec. 2009 01:50PM
To: Bolton
We had decided to study together because we were all good at different things. We thought it was a brilliant plan, I thought it was a brilliant plan. I really needed help with my math and they needed help with their English.
I didn't finish the test just so I could say no today. I told him that I needed to be done with it last Friday, but he said that he was 'busy'. We decided to do it the next Monday instead, but four days ago, he told me he couldn't because he ended school late and he wouldn't have the time because we were going to watch his cousin's game too.
I guess that was what started it. I had told him that we needed to go an hour before the game started. But he had said that he didn't want to go that early and I had asked why. His reply was that he didn't watch it from the beginning because he wouldn't manage to get home from school first. Apparently, he didn't know how well I knew him, because I knew that he would have two hours home before we would have to go.
But I let it go, I didn't want a fight. Even though I knew his cousin was sad that we missed the beginning last time too.
So they decided today instead, Wednesday. I had nothing to say in the manner, because he couldn't do it earlier, and they wouldn't listen to me either.
It was so stupid and useless. We hadn't talked since, and we always talked. It was not talking, because we texted, but just like the whole window thing, talked sound better than texted. About everything and nothing; things that life would shove at us. We would joke and tease each other, talk till we were too tired to keep our eyes open. Sometimes he would ask if we should do something, even though it was already 9:30pm. He would meet me halfway so I didn't have to walk alone all the way to his house; he knew I was afraid of the dark.
Maybe it was time to cry now. The times we'd spent together, all the hours that had passed when we'd just been lying on his bed, watching a movie or just talking. The times we'd baked, cooked together and just enjoyed spending time with each other. Everything had been washed away abruptly like a fucking tsunami. It hurt, damn it hurt.
-
Time passed, even though it felt like a week actually was one day. I avoided them, didn't text any of them when I usually would. And it didn't come as a surprise when I didn't get anything from either of them. He must have told her what 'happened', and I think he knew that something was wrong too. But no, he was too busy with her to even make the smallest effort to talk to me.
I don't know if I was hurt, or just disappointed with myself. If I was so boring that I didn't even manage to keep someone that meant so much to me, there must have been something wrong with me.
The sight from Monday flashed before my eyes and I closed them shut painfully.
The game had been a total disaster. Not only because his cousin's team lost, but because of how he had acted. The way he had only turned to her, talked to her, walked beside her, changed place if he happened to come beside me, always her, her, her.
I didn't talk much that night, because they didn't talk to me anyway. Or at least he didn't. To be honest, I don't think the girl cares. She seems to be a pretty chill person, thinks that drama is just a waist of time and nothing worth spending thoughts or actions in. But she was his new pet. She was the new me.
I had left them that night with a low goodbye, didn't even care to say anything about studying in two days, and he was too busy talking with her to even think about it.
Damn it's so childish-like, and just straight out ridiculous. But fuck, it hurt so much.
It was never really something that happened just like that. There had been small things that happened all the time for the last couple of weeks. Stuff that I didn't realize at the time would turn into this. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure I can see it now either.
I never really had time to register what went wrong. It was just that night that everything came crashing on me and I realized that it was no longer the two of us, but the two of them.
Two weeks went by without any talking. School came to an end and I avoided him wherever I went. I saw them laughing together in the hallways, I saw about them on facebook, I heard about them wherever I went, people whispered about them everywhere.
At last, one week was left of school and I took off for vacation with my mom, dad and big brother. It was much needed and I actually thought that it would all be better when I returned. Things would be like they were a month ago and nothing would have changed. He would stand at my door waiting for us to come home, picking me up and hugging me like I had been gone for a lifetime.
But of course, that did not happen.
The vacation was pretty chill. I hung out with my brother pretty much all the time. Discovered new things I loved about him, and realized how much I had missed the times when we used to play together as younger. We never really hung out anymore these days, he was with his friends and I was with mine. Of course we talked sometime here and there, but it was never really the brother-sister time that used to be.
It was nice, and very good for my soul at the time.
But when I didn't hang out with my brother, or my mom or dad, the real life came creeping back to mind and I lay with tears in my eyes in bed. I could have done anything to just know what I had done wrong. What she had that I didn't, what I could do to turn back time and let everything be like they had been.
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO
DECEMBER 28, 2009
When I got home again, the loneliness hit me like a snowstorm in the face.
It was when my brother walked out the door to meet up with his friends when I realized exactly how lonely I was without him. My life had been all around him, everything I did had something to do with him. I let my life revolve around him.
Troy fucking Bolton.
I hit my head against my knees. How could I let that happen? I had promised myself that I would never in my entire life depend on someone else, that I would always be independent and strong. Sure, I was independent in some ways, but not in all. And strong? Psht, that's the biggest bullshit of the year. I wouldn't be sitting here on my floor moping if I was strong, I would have moved on and don't crack because of someone else.
So why now? Why because of him?
The two questions had one simple answer. Because he was Troy Bolton. He had been there for me when my life was screwed, when I had no one else to be with. And that meant everything to me. Everything.
Fuck it, I'd screwed up big time.
A vibrating sound was heard as I rested my head on my knees later, looking out over the still snow clouded houses. I was tired, of course I was, I'd been flying practically all over the fucking globe. But I was also tired because of everything else; I was tired of my life. Tired of how everything always turned out, how I always screwed things up.
I hesitated. There was no doubt that it was my phone telling me I had a new message. But since mom and dad had had to work that night (yeah, don't ask me because I think they're sick to work when they just got home), it was probably just one of them checking on me.
But I reached for the phone anyway, not wanting to be rude to someone that did not do any wrong. And when I unlocked my phone and saw who the message was from, my throat went dry.
There, on the screen, were six letters and two symbols linking together as a smiley.
Hey, u home again?
My mind went on overdrive. Why would he write to me, why would he even want to know if I was home again? Why would he even care?
"Don't be so fucking stupid, Gabriella", I whispered to myself and clicked the reply button.
Yeah.
Was the simple reply. No smiley, no heart nothing. Just a simple word and a dot. I felt proud of myself. I was showing independence.
It didn't take more than a minute before the vibrating was on again and I watched the screen for a few seconds, smiling proudly at the "1 new message from: Bolton " on the screen. But I didn't let more time pass, opening the new message and reading it in two seconds.
Did u have a good time?
Did I have a good time? Fuck yeah. Did I want him to know? I don't know. Was I going to let him know? Hell yes.
Yeah.
Oh sweet Jesus, I might be a bit bitter on him, but he fucking deserves it. He has no rights to just ditch me and then come back thinking he can just control my life again. He was just lonely, because if I remembered right, Allie, his new best friend (the third girl in our previous friendship) was also on vacation. And therefore he would turn to me, the fucking bastard.
Do you want to meet up?
Okay, that was just pure weird. He wanted to meet me now, after four weeks of not talking. What could he possibly want to meet me for if he couldn't even bother to talk to me before I went on vacation?
I weighted my options for a few minutes. I could say yes, meet him and see what he wanted. I could say no, pretend I was too tired and then keep living my miserable life. No, I was not a weak person. I would meet up with him, see what he wants and stand up for myself. And if he didn't like who I was, then screw him.
But I was not going to be easy.
Okay.
A ripple of excitement went through my body when I pressed the send button. Something inside of me turned, and my hearts started to beat fast. I waited, anxiously, for him to reply.
Okay. Good. Uhm, should I come to your house?
I thought for a second. If he came to my house I could not run away if things didn't turn out good. But at the same time it felt like my home would be the safest to be at. And besides, I could always throw him out if he acted like the bastard he'd been.
Sure.
I was officially screwed.
Ok, b there in a sec.
Yeah, screwed.
-
Ten minutes later, a knock was heard on the door and I walked my way downstairs, taking my time to check in the mirror before I went for the door. I was so mean, but he had hurt me so much.
I opened the door slowly, telling my heart to slow down a bit. And there, on the first step, stood Troy Bolton. And my heart was beating rapidly again.
His hair had no gel making his bangs hung in his eyes. The dark washed jeans clung to his body perfectly and his blue snowboard jacket fit perfectly to his eyes. But I didn't notice anything of this when I saw his eyes. His heaven-blue eyes were fixed on me, making my body tingle even though he didn't even touch me. I felt like I was going to explode. Nerves crept through my body and my cheeks went a bit read.
What was happening to me?
"Hello Gabriella," he said in a somewhat low, husky voice. And I couldn't help but let a tiny, tiny smile creep over my lips.
"Hi," I said in a small voice, stepped aside to let him in and avoided to look directly into his eyes.
I was quiet as he took off his jacket, revealing another blue shirt. God, he must have frozen on the way here, but I kept quiet about it. He was the one to meet; he could make the effort to talk. But oh, he looked pretty damn fine.
I turned to walk to my room as he turned around again, still not making eye contact. Shit I was immature.
"Wow, Gabs, you're black," he exclaimed as we got to my room and he saw me in the light. "You had a pretty awesome time in Thailand, right?" he smiled a genuine smile, and my stomach flipped. Argh, what was happening to me?!
"Well, uh," I stuttered. "Yeah." I knew I had gotten a fine deal of tan, I saw it when I got back to the airport already, but who cares anyway? I'd been in the sun, what did he expected? But oh, I almost couldn't believe that he actually remembered where I went. Guess that was something to be happy about.
"What did you guys do?" he asked casually, sitting down on my desk chair and I sank down on my bed, carefully looking at him under my lashes while I played with my fingers in my lap.
"Oh, well, you know. Just, uhm bathing and sunbathing and stuff," I mumbled. Ugh, this was so lame. Where did my confidence go? Probably went out the fucking door when he stepped inside.
Troy smiled again. "Well, you look great, Gabriella."
Something in me snapped at that. I look great? Oh yeah, I was ditched by my supposed to be best friend and he didn't talk to me for four weeks, I went on vacation totally miserable and I look fucking great? Yeah, yeah that sounds reasonable.
"Oh really, Troy? I look great. Well I don't feel fucking great. Why did you come here anyway? To tell me to get the hell out of your life? Well okay, just tell me and I'll do that, because the way you're treating me right now; I don't. Feel. Fucking. Great," I hissed. My blood was boiling in my wrists, and my head pounded, but I didn't care.
Troy looked like someone had just hit him. His blue eyes were darker, and his mouth slightly opened. He had frozen on his spot while looking at me.
"What are you talking about, Gabriella?"
"WHAT I AM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!" I burst, it all just burst.
"You haven't fucking talked to me in a month Troy, and suddenly you turn up on my doorstep and act like everything is fucking normal! You have no idea how much you hurt me, do you? You just walk around acting like you own the fucking world, like you can do whatever you want with who you want. Well, welcome to the real world Troy, I am not going to be a fucking pet that you can turn to when you don't have Allie! I'm fucking tired of your issues and how you act all the fucking time! I'm sorry if I wasn't the one you wanted me to be, but don't you dare turn up on my doorstep and act like you didn't do a shit wrong for the last four weeks!" I hadn't meant to scream at him, it was never my plan, but the way he acted just got the worst of me.
We sat there in my room, just stared at each other. Blue at brown, brown at blue. It was dead quiet, and outside, the snow started to fall again. I was so fucking hurt that I didn't know what to do, what to say or how to act. The only thing I knew was that I was not going to break the contact; this was a moment of winning.
And at last, Troy looked away. First he looked out the window, at the snow that was falling so peaceful. It was like another world out there, while something much bigger and much deeper was building inside. And then he looked down at the floor. His eyes fixed on his socks.
"Don't you think I missed you, Gabriella?" His voice was almost too low to hear, but I did, and I knew I hadn't imagined it because his eyes were almost glassy. "Don't you think that I thought about you every damn second while you were gone? That I wished that I hadn't done what I did?"
I looked up and met his eyes, a tear rolled down our cheeks at the same time as I said, "No."
He stood up then, walking towards me. I stood up, not knowing why I did but I did, almost at the same high as him while I looked into his eyes.
"You don't believe that yourself, Gabriella. You know that I missed you, right?" his voice was somewhat desperate, but I did my hardest to not be weak and stand up for myself.
"No, Troy. I don't believe you. How can I? You left me without a word, turned to her. I tried to be who you wanted Troy, I really did. I wanted so desperately to know what I ever did wrong, but you just wouldn't talk to me, or even look at me. And you want me to believe you?" I wiped the tears that fell, this was hopeless.
"El," he used the old nickname while he desperately took hold of my hand. I looked down at them, didn't notice how perfect they fit together, but only concentrated on not looking him in the eyes. "Please, you don't understand." He tried to make me look at him, but I just turned my head the other way.
"No, Troy. I certainly don't."
He gripped my face then, each hand on each cheek, forcing me to look at him. "You don't understand. I love you, El," he whispered and I could feel his breath on my cheeks.
I snatched his hands away and stepped back while laughing sarcastically. "Oh, how nice of you. Thanks for letting me be one of the people you loves, that feels so rich. Please, Troy."
But he stepped forward again, making me take a step back once again. With a thud, I realized that I had hit the wall, and as Troy stepped forward again, I was trapped.
Troy chuckled quietly as he rested one of his hands against the wall on my side, while the other stroke my arm. "You're not as smart as I thought you were, Gabriella."
"Oh, bu-hu, I am so sorry I can't live up to your standards, Troy," I snapped quietly, hiding the fact that my heart was beating rapidly against my chest as his chest pressed up lightly against it.
He didn't smile, his eyes only watched over my face and my body became tense. "I am in love with you, Gabriella."
The pathetic loser was in love with me, and I realized that that was what I had been all along too. Ever since the first moment I saw him.
"What about Allie?"
He stroke my cheek, watching as I tried to look everywhere but at him. "What about her?" he said quietly, getting even closer. "She's an awesome friend, an awesome laugh and you know that. But you're the one that I want, Ellie. I'm addicted to your light." And he fucking quoted my favourite song.
"Just kiss me, Troy," I pleaded and wound my arms around his neck as he crashed his lips on mine.
The kiss was passionate. His lips were soft and easy, waiting for me to react back. And I did, damn I did. I clung to his body as he pressed me against the wall, giving my everything into that one kiss.
He wasted no time in plunging his tongue into my mouth as the kiss grew, massaging my tongue while moving his hands down my hips. It felt so good, like I was alive more than ever. And I loved it; I loved every second of when his mouth was on mine.
Slowly, we started to move away from the wall. Our hands roamed over each others bodies and the heat got more obvious with every second that passed. I wanted him. I wanted him with everything in me and I knew he wanted me too. And therefore, clothes were shed, moans and groans was heard as kisses was shared.
We moved over to the bed and Troy slowly laid me down before he climbed on top of me. His lips trailed up my legs, dangerously close to my centre, up over my stomach and chest. He kissed my face and at last, they landed on my lips, his tongue going deep into my mouth as his hands started to trail down my hips and legs.
"Mmm…" I mewed as his hands stroked the backside of my thighs. Only his touch almost drove me crazy, and I bucked my hips as his hands trailed to the inside of my thighs.
"Tease," I muttered and bucked once again as he bit down harder on my neck, making me moan out loud at the satisfied feeling it evoked. I could feel his smile against my chest as he moved down. His hands trailed behind me, unclasping the bra like a pro and throwing it away carelessly.
More kisses and touches and moans and groans and a few words here and there filled the room as the two last pieces of clothes was shed. The last barrier was gone and I felt like I was going to explode already. Heat was running through my toes to my core, I was soaked already.
Troy hovered over me, his eyes fixed on mine. "You're so beautiful, Gabriella," he said in a low, husky voice and I smiled up into his eyes. The words were so genuine and I knew they were a hundred percent true. His eyes screamed love and I couldn't help but shake a little.
"I love you, Troy." It was simple, but as true as his words.
His face broke out in a grin and he bent down to kiss me passionately again, tickling his cock against my centre. I groaned in reply, squeezing my walls, trying to get him inside of me. I could tell he liked it, because his erection twitched and he drew in a deep breath through his teeth.
"Damn it, Gabriella," he hissed and closed his eyes hard. As he opened them again, he looked down at me, trailing his hands over the clear line where dark brown met pale white and I shuddered at his touch. "You're so fucking hot."
I groaned again, bucking my hips but he wouldn't get inside me. "Troooyyyy…" I groaned. It felt like I was going to boil over, I was so wet, seed were sipping down my thighs. I needed him now, but he was a big fucking tease.
"What?" he said teasingly. "What do you want, Gabriella?"
My heart beat faster with every breath I took and I groaned, loud this time. "You," I mumbled, my hands flying all over his back. I hissed as his erection once again teased at my core, rocking back and forth without getting inside.
"I couldn't hear you, what did you say?"
I acted fast, took hold of his cock and looked him straight in the eyes. "I want you inside of me, right now." Troy's eyes were big, his hips bucking at my sudden movement and in the next second, he'd snapped my hand away and plunged deep in my hot cavern.
Rocking back and forth, going harder and deeper with every thrust, he took me to the best orgasm I'd ever had and I screamed out his name in bliss and joy.
"My, my, my Ms. Montez, who would have thought you were such a naughty girl?" Troy winked as he lay down beside me under the covers. He wrapped his arms around me as he pressed his softened penis against my tight, and rested his hands on my stomach.
"Shut up, Troy," I laughed, and we lay together watching as the snow started to fall once again outside the window. Actually, it felt like the world outside was melting together with the world inside.