Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing, nothing...except my kitty but she's not in this story.
Note1: I know, I know, I need to finish my Dateless Princess story and I have lots of reasons as to why it's not done yet but I won't bother with them here. Anyway, Enjoy this crazy story!!
Warnings: Um, MPreg. Rated for language and suggestive themes. Called Humor purely for the Epilogue which I find hilarious, but maybe that's because I'm exhausted. LOL.
Three Months After the Winter War: Gaining of the Weight.
Uryuu turned to the side once more. He let his index finger gently trail a line from his hip and around to his navel. He had gained a lot of weight, (well maybe only like two or four pounds), and he couldn't really figure out why. Sure, he wasn't running around trying to rescue kidnapped girls anymore but it's not like he was totally inactive. He still had Quincy training with his father, much to his dismay, and he often joined Kurosaki and Sado in the field. He wasn't eating poorly either. The weight gain really didn't make much sense. Perhaps he would see Kurosaki's father about it.
Meanwhile in Las Noches, Hueco Mundo….
"I…excuse me?"
"Preg-nant," Wonderwyce explained for the forth time. He rolled his eyes. After becoming Hueco Mundo's most respected physician he'd been dealing with all sorts of illnesses, especially among the espada: Grimmjow's pinkeye, Stark's athlete's foot, and the rash on Yammy's….anyway pregnancy wasn't a big deal and it was quite the mystery to Dr. Wonderwyce why Ulquiorra was making such a big deal about it. Surely this news was better than what they had suspected a month ago- stomach cancer. "Now we should set you up for an appointment to make a diet plan. It's important you have adequate nutrition while carrying the child…."
"But who's the father?" Ulquiorra asked, looking rather stunned.
"If you don't know," Wonderwyce said in surprise of all his patients Ulquiorra seemed the least slutty, but apparently the Arrancar got around enough, "then how should I know. You can get a paternity test once the baby's born." THUMP. "He fainted," he said aloud. he always knew Ulqui had no place in the Espada.
And in Soul Society an adorable little pink haired girl was crying….with laughter…
"Ken- nyahahahahahaha,-chan….having…keehehehehe…..a….b-baby…" and she fell backward's onto Kuchiki-Byakuya's bed.
The nobleman blinked. How had the little…did she say Kenpachi was having a baby? He closed his eyes and frowned. Perhaps he was dreaming. Yes, that had to be it, or otherwise Yachiru actually was in his bed but was telling him something that his sleep deprived brain could not comprehend. Without opening his eyes again he lay his head back down on his pillow determined to get a few more hours of sleep despite the squealing of the child beside him.
At the same time…
Kenpachi sighed glancing at Ikkaku and Yumichika who had remained silent since their first gasps of surprise. "Well go on," he said.
"Excuse me, T-taicho?" Yumichika managed.
"Say somethin' shit you're making me feel like crap. And ya know Yachiru's bound to go say something to Kuchiki or Ukitake and then the whole Seireitei will know…."
"How…" Yumichika began when Ikkaku seemed to be still too shocked to do much more than blink and soundlessly open his mouth.
"I dunno," Kenpachi admitted, "I haven't been with anyone in a long time, and I ain't never had anyone….I've never been with another man,"
"That makes no sense,"
"I know! Shit, Unohana doesn't think it makes sense either but it's happened and it's not like I'm gunna just get rid of it. It's my kid, ya know,"
"Taicho…"
"How'd ya find out?" Ikkaku said, finding his voice.
"wasn't feelin' too well, thought I had food poisoning or somethin' and I was gunna ride it out only I've always had a strong stomach so I was kind of confused as to why somethin' was makin' me ill and I thought maybe it had to do with the war or something so I went to Unohana and eventually she figured it out. Anyway, I thought I'd tell ya guys now before I start showing, and…"
They couldn't help it. Kenpachi's third and fifth seat burst into giggles at the words: "start showing."
And a few minutes later poor Unohana had two additional patients.
Five Months After the Winter War: Little Movements.
"Five-months pregnant and no prenatal care till now! Uryuu-kun you should be ashamed of yourself!" Kurosaki Isshin said as he pulled the thermometer out of Uryuu's rectum. He hadn't really needed to take his temperature in such a way, or at all, but he thought it was important the boy be punished in someway for neglecting his child.
"I know." Uryuu said, pulling his pants up and trying his best to look composed, "I apologize. I thought about coming in a few months ago, when I thought it was some kind of flu or other ailment, but when the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind I panicked. Then I threw up and …"
"It could have been morning sickness…"
"True," he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, even tough they hadn't slid down, at all. "I'm here now though, that's what matters, right?"
"Hm. I'm guessing your father doesn't know as you are here and not at his place."
"I'd rather not tell him. Doubt he'd care anyway. I can handle this on my own, you know."
"I see." Isshin frowned. If Ichigo was pregnant he'd want him to come to him, but due to patient-doctor privacy he wasn't aloud to go see Ryuuken about his son. Damn, if only he had found out by rumor instead. "Well that's about it for now. Your child seems healthy, and the little wiggle that scared you into coming here came at just about the right time for a regular pregnancy. We'll make an appointment for next month, alright? Just keep eating right and staying active and, well, if you plan on keeping this a secret a bit longer you'll need some looser clothing as your weight should start increasing soon. Meanwhile I'll go see Urahara about possible reasons for this Virgin Mary Pregnancy. You may not be the only one."
Zaraki Kenpachi was pissed….
If one more person giggled when they saw him or said 'oh how cute,' he would go on a rampage and spare no one. No taicho or fukutaicho or random subordinate seated or not would be exempt from his wrath. He would go right up to Old Man Yama and punch him in the nose. He'd rage up and down all corners of the living world looking for Ichigo and others like him. He'd bully Urahara into helping back into Hueco Mundo and he'd slash every last Arrancar and hollow whether they be considered pardoned or not! He would do this because he was Zaraki Kenpachi the most feared and battle loving being in all of the Soul Society. He was not a 'daddy to be' or Taicho womb and anyone who dared called him such was suicidal.
"Ohhh, it's daddy Taicho," some random green haired Shinigami said pointing to the spiky haired captain of the eleventh division.
"He's so cute!" The Shinigami girlfriend giggled.
Kenpachi growled and they both scampered off. He glanced at his watch, it was almost noon. Well, he'd have to kill them later because at the moment he had more impotent things to take care of…
Ukitake had promised him crème puffs for lunch.
Meanwhile in the halls of Hueco Mundo…
"Oh!" He clutched his stomach and swayed a bit.
"Baby problems?" A blue haired Espada snickered from across the hall.
"Shut up." Ulquiorra said as calmly as he could.
"You got yourself into this…"
"Shut up," He moaned, because at that moment the baby squirmed, pleadingly. This was very surprising to the other Arrancar as Ulquiorra rarely ever showed emotion other than indifference to his taunts.
"What's up?" Grimmjow asked despite himself.
"The baby's been a bit more active lately."
"Active? Like practicing Cero or something?" he said.
Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes, "no, not like 'practicing cero or something'. He's moving."
"Moving? You need some boxes? I think Gin said there are some pretty cheap apartments in The Soul Society, though I don't know if they'd let an Arrancar's kid move in. Racists bastards!"
"Grimmjow, please!" and he groaned again as the baby moved with sudden force.
"Sissy."
"I'd like to see you try and carry a baby!"
"Ya got mood swings, don't ya? I mean, you've never been so snippy and…"
"It's not mood swings, here!" Ulquiorra grabbed Grimmjow's hand and placed it upon the tiny bump growing there.
"What the hell is wrong with you?! You some kind of….HOLY SHIT!" he gasped, "It Moved"
"That's what I've been telling you!"
"No, but….it moved!" Both Espada stared at each other for an awkward moment until the baby chose to interrupt by wiggling again.
"Anyway," he said brushing Grimmjow's hand away, "this isn't normal. It's fine that he's moving but not this much and with so much force. I just don't und….Ow!"
"Oi," the blue haired Arrancar rushed forward to catch his fellow who collapsed backwards. Ulquiorra gasped in complete surprise but the only thought that ran through Grimmjow's mind at that moment was that the dark haired Arrancar had very pretty green eyes, and he was rather lightweight for being pregnant. Then found himself wondering just how thin the Espada had been before the pregnancy.
"Grimm-jow,"
The sound of the other's voice brought him back to reality, and he realized he was holding Ulquiorra and he noted that it wasn't half bad. In fact, it actually felt…nice.
And that was totally creepy so he promptly dropped the smaller Espada and ran for the exit.
TBC….
A/N: That was part one of three. Part two will be posted on Saturday and part three will be posted on Sunday along with an epilogue. It's all done but I'm going to go back and rewrite and edit even though it's not a serious fic. WHATEVER!