The Adventures of:
Long Tan and Handsome
:)
Chapter one
It's prom night. I am ready to see Pearl and all her beauty. Pearl is the love of my life. Something about a whale just excites me. Sure, we're different and all, and we can never genetically have children, but I don't care.
Her father scares me, he's very greedy. I don't think he likes me. But I don't care! Me and Pearl are in love. Nothing will ever change that. The only thing i don't like is that she's taller than me. I'm very insecure about my miniature height. Sometimes I got bullied and got called microscopic homo shrimp.
Pearl loves me for who I am, though. I am excited for Prom night because me and her haven't had our first kiss yet….. I'm so nervous. Her mouth is bigger than my whole body, she might eat me by mistake. I'm sorta scared for my life. But that's the risk when you're in love with a whale.
I still wonder how Mr. Krab gave birth to Pearl, but thats none of my business. I don't have the courage to ask how a crimson red sea crab conceived a huge teenage sperm whale.
I better get to prom, my lovely whale is waiting for me.
I arrive at the prom. Everyone looks so alluring and enticing. I am jealous of all the robust and muscular guppies and sea fish.
I'm going to make my way to the back to hid my humiliation from all the other attractive betta male fish. There's a lot of other very beautiful attractive female fish here, I wish they would acknowledge me. But alas, I'm just the microscopic homo shrimp that no one would want to have guppies with.
Me and Pearl can't even have kids…. I don't know how to cope with my depression over it.
I see a very glamorous tan beauty of a fish walk passed me. She's wearing a very seductive mature short blue dress with no sleeves, showing her attractive fins.
I've had erectile dysfunction (ed) my whole life… but I think i feel something tingly down stairs. Oh no. I need to get out of here before I get bullied. I don't want to be called deep bone-head boo-boo fish.
All of a sudden my crotch springs up like a clown in the jack in the box. I start to cry. Why must my schlong activate at such a precious moment in time? My prom night is going to be ruined because my dick finally decided to stop being a homo.
I turn in a different direction and my eye catches a different girl with a purple afro and bright red lips. She's very unattractive and looks like an unseemingly elderly hideous milf. My shaft immediately goes back down and I sigh in relief. Unfortunately, some boys did take notice and started to make fun of me.
"Hey, this microscopic homo shrimp's johnson just grew about 12 inches!" says the green fish with brown hair and glasses.
"He was probably looking at you, Phil," he laughs
That's it. I am sick of being tormented. I will stand up for myself.
"Listen you gristly smelly dweb oaf!" I yell at Phil. "Shut yo ugly green grassy bifocal boy tie wearing Bob Ross lookin ass up, for someone who likes to pick on queers, you really like talking about my fucking dick, you moron. You and your ugly Bill Nye lookin ass friend probably deep throat each other every Sunday after church in your grandma's bed, you homophile fish dick eaters." I finish my rant.
Everyone is looking at us now. Phil and his friend run away in tears. I pat myself on the back. Even though I'm probably going to be flushed down the toilet on Monday at school, it was worth it.
Suddenly, the doors open, and two more people enter the prom. Pearl, with a clean cut looking Spongebob. I get jealous immmeeddiiaatteellyy. He's so good looking.
Why is she with him? If she doesn't get away from him right now I will cry then run in the girls bathroom to slit my wrists and then post it on snapchat for her attention.
Pearl and Spongebob look in my direction. Pearl hides quickly under the table.
"What is it?" Spongebob asks.
"Get down! He'll see us," Pearl tells him.
They peek above the table to look at me. "It's my ex boyfriend Octavius Rex, aka Long Tan and Handsome," she says.
I smile when she says my name. I feel butterflies in my fins. I am so in love. I can't contain my love for the whale.
Suddenly, Pearl takes Spongebob by the hand and take him to the dance floor. What is THIS? He is holding her…touching her…. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
The song "The Sponge" starts playing and I start to cry. I run to them at full speed, flapping my fins in all different directions. Tearing running down my ugly microscopic homo shrimp face.
I run in between them, pushing them apart from each other.
"How DARE you punish me in such a way, I can not fathom! I never wanted to lose those hands, I can hear the wolves howling. The sweat and softness in the air… the depth of hope is growling at me… and the birds are singing in the distance! I can hear expanding whispers of escape. To trust in the flight hidden beneath. CHANCE THE CHANGE, YOU ARE AWAKE! ALIVE BEHIND YOUR EYES! To have you look, no disguises. I'm about to have you SEE ME! I am the Bikini Bottom Heartbreak! Rock on which freedom stumps his toe. The great mistake the Bikini Bottom made long ago…. If only you knew how much it hurt… how much the scars still ache. I loved you with a fierce burning intensity, like King Neptune I flew too close to the sun. i was scorched and broken. And all I see now are the ashes of my tortured heart! I died inside loving you, Pearl. Damn you, Sperm Whale! You stole my heart, and shredded it but kept all the pieces!" I roar, weep, holler, and cry on the gym floor, pounding my fin on the hard floor.
I wish I could sacrifice myself to the hooks, and become nothing more than someone mayonnaise on their Krabby Patty.
I get up and run to the alcohol like my father always does… it's what he does when he's crying and wants too hurt someone. I gulp down the vodka bottle in 3 gulps and black out.