Zionist Schmionist

by Rasial

Cartman has a devious plan to rid the world of the Hews once and for all — and he's prepared to do whatever it takes, even if that means dating Kyle and converting to Judaism...Mostly plot based drama, with Kyle trying to improve Cartman as a human being, but also smut.

*Banjo chords*

Sheila Browflowski is driving. Kyle sits in the front; Cartman, Stan and Kenny are in the back seat.

'So you're going on kibutz.' Stan says cautiously. 'Is that like bar mitzphah? Do you get presents?'

'It's more like a holiday in the country. You farm and work in the community and get to know Israeli customs.' Kyle shrugged.

'Hmm, more delightful time-honoured customs from the people who brought us the dreidel; a whirlwind of fun! I bet you can't wait, Kyle.'

Kenny sniggered.

'Well boys, ' Sheila interjected 'Usually only teenagers or university students get to go on kibutz, but since Kyle's second-cousin, Aaron, is going this year, we thought it would be good for Kyle to have a chaperone.'

'Of course, Mrs Browflowski.' Cartman's tone was mock sincere, 'the Israeli countryside must have so many temptations.'

'Shut up, Fat-ass.' Kyle sighed. His heart wasn't really in it. 'I leave next June.'

'So you're gonna miss the whole summer? Dude, weak.' Stan complained.

'Here you go boys' Shiela pulled the car up at the school. 'Be sure to ring me, Bubulah, and tell me how it goes with Birthright.'

'Okay, Ma.' Kyle and the other three boys shuffled into the elementary school and into the familiar hallway scattered with their peers.

'What the fuck is Birthright?' Cartman asked.

'They're this not-for-profit organization that sends kids with Jewish ancestry to Israel to experience their heritage.' Kyle explained.

'Wait a minute. You're telling me they're going to give you an all-expenses-paid holiday just because you're a Jew? Jesus Christ.' Cartman rolled his eyes. 'Don't you assholes game the system enough already?'

'Dhm, ds humkn hum-fm.' Kenny muttered.

'Yeah Kenny, it is fucking unfair. That's reverse racism, that's what it is!'

'Look guys, it's not like I even want to go.' Kyle said. 'But it's important to my Mom, so shut the hell up, and don't embarrass me in front of the Birthright people - they're coming at recess to interview me.' He gave Cartman a death stare.

'Kyle Browflowski, report to the Counselor's office.' Came a voice over the loudspeaker.

'Damnit, they're already here.' Kyle hurried off, then turned back and warned one last time: 'I mean it, Cartman, not a god-damn word out of you.'

As he hurried towards Mr Mackey's office, Kenny and Stan turned toward class, but Cartman lingered in the hall.

'Hey, fellas! Cartman!' Butters rushed up panting. 'Did you see the van outside the school? It's Birthright!'

'So?' Cartman raised an eyebrow.

'So, Preacher says that it's every American's birthright to have a place in the heavenly kingdom - d'you think these people have come to bring the Rapture?'

'Not this retarded crap again.' Cartman sighed. 'Butters, Birthright is some stupid little gay Jewish club that sends douchey kids to Israel. They're not bringing the Rapture.'

'Oh hamburgers!' Butters paused. 'But I saw on their bumper sticker it said 'Honk for Zionists.' And Preach said that in the Bible, it says the Second Coming of Jesus can't happen until all the Jews are returned to the Holy Lands. And Zion is the Holy Lands! That's why it's so important that America helps Israel crush Palestine.' Butters repeated all this matter-of-factly without blinking.

Now Cartman looked interested. 'So if Israel invades Palestine...and then we send all the Jews to Israel, we can trigger the Rapture? And ride ponies and eat triple fudge brownies with Jesus forever while the Jews roast in Hell for all eternity?'

'That's what Preacher says.' Butters frowned. 'He didn't mention about the ponies though...'

'I see...' Cartman stroked his chin and stared through the glass window in Mr Mackey's door at Kyle conversing with the Birthright rep.

'Perhaps all the Israelis need is a little Jewish lamb to lead them...'

'What do you mean I can't convert?!'

An angry-looking Cartman was wearing a yarmulke over his beanie and frowning at the Rabbi across his desk in the synagogue.

'Well, my boy, to be one of the Chosen People, you have to have at least one parent that is already a member of the Jewish faith. Outsider conversions are rare, and they usually only happen when a Jewish person wants to marry outside their faith...'

'If it's this hard, how come there are so many Jews then?' Cartman looked frustrated. Then his eyes opened wide. 'Do they have to be like, fully married and touch weiners, or could they just be a couple and hold hands and kiss and stuff?'

The Rabbi paused, confused, then said: 'Conversions have been granted when two interfaith people are in a serious relationship, yes, but usually this is a stepping-stone to a more permanent commitment...'

'Yeah yeah yeah.' Cartman cut the Rabbi off. 'I should have mentioned at the start: my boyfriend is already a member of your congregation: Kyle Browflowski. You know him?'

The Rabbi's eyebrows shot up. 'The little red-head boy who's always giving speeches is gay?'

Cartman grinned. 'That's my ginger muffin! I wanted to rush my conversion as a surprise for him - he's going on kibbles soon, and I want to be 100% Jewish before he goes.'

'I think you mean Kibutz...' the Rabbi sighed. 'I'd need the consent of your parents, and the Browflowski boy to be witness to your ceremony. And you'll need to study your Hebrew...'

'Yes! I'll do anything for my little Strawberry Cream - thank you Rabbi, thank you!' Cartman practically danced out of the synagogue.

The Rabbi turned to a synagogue attendant and asked, 'Did that little fat boy look familiar to you?' The attendant paused. 'Didn't he lead a Mel Gibson Fan Club against the Temple when 'Passion of the Christ' came out?'

'Ah, yes.' The Rabbi rolled his eyes.

'Damn that movie sucked.'

'When did the Civil War end?'

Kyle turned in shock as Cartman's hand shot up with his.

'Eric?'

'1865.'

'And who tendered the Confederates' surrender?'

Cartman's hand shot up again.

'Robert E. Lee.'

'No way.' Kyle muttered.

'Dhm, whm dm ym muhum a mhd?'

'I'm not a nerd, Kenny. I just know stuff. You should try it some time.' Cartman shot back.

The bell rang and the boys scribbled down their homework as fast as they could and piled out into the hall. Kyle was staring at Cartman in an unsettled way.

'What man, do I have ink on my face or something?' Cartman raised his hand to his face.

'No, it's just...' Kyle narrowed his eyes. 'What are you up to?'

'I'm not up to anything, Kyle.' Cartman stared straight ahead.

'I know you. You don't study.' Kyle paused.

'Is it so hard to believe, Kyle, that I read a book for fun? Robert E Lee is one of my heroes.'

Kyle just kept staring.

Cartman shrugged. 'Believe what you want. But we've all got to grow up some time, Kyle. We're not going to be in the Fourth Grade forever.'

Kyle stopped. 'Well, Cartman, we both know you're smart. Diabolical even. You could be really good at school if you actually tried.'

Cartman's face faltered - like he didn't know quite how to take the compliment. Then he smiled. 'Well, you'd better watch out, Kyle. You and Wendy might finally have some competition.'

In the following weeks, Kyle spend a surprising amount of time around Cartman. They weren't yelling at each other either - they were working on their geometry homework in the library, or chatting about League; and one extraordinary time, Cartman tried to talk the gang into going to see a Woody Allen film. Everyone bailed except Kyle, and what weirded him out more was that Cartman shared his popcorn, and even had an intelligent conversation with him afterwards, critiquing the merits of the film.

'Holy shit man, what's happened to you?' Kyle laughed. 'You do realise Woody Allen is a Jewish director.'

'No, Kyle, he's Jewish AND he's a director. It's kind of limiting to summarise a person's work by just one part of their lifestyle, don't you think?'

'Being Jewish isn't a lifestyle choice, dumbass. It's a faith, but it's also an ethnicity. You're born into it.'

Cartman paused. 'But that's what people always say when they talk about being gay - they say it's a 'lifestyle' - and it's not like people choose to be gay. Gaga says they're born this way.'

Kyle shrugged. 'I don't know if that's a good comparison.'

'Isn't it though? Society is super-biased against both groups, but in both cases, it's not like you can tell whether a person is Jewish or gay just from looking at them.'

Kyle hesitated. They were straying into dangerous territory. 'Well, there is a certain...look...about some Jewish people.'

Cartman rolled his eyes. 'The dark curly hair and the big hooked nose? Have you looked in a mirror lately Kyle? You're a pale ginger boy with a button nose. You're the least middle eastern looking person I know.'

Kyle actually laughed. 'I can't believe you made it through that whole conversation without being offensive.'

Cartman grinned. 'And there were land-mines everywhere...just like in...' he stopped. 'Sorry.'

But Kyle smiled too. 'What's been going on with you lately, Cartman? What's changed?'

Cartman sat down on a bench beside the park. 'I don't know. I'm less angry. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm doing better in skewl. Maybe it's because I'm hanging out more with you.' Kyle sat down beside him, and then leaped up in the air.

'What was that?'

'What was what, Kyle?'

'You went to hold my hand...oh. God.' Kyle shook his head with disgust. 'That's why you were talking about Jews being ostracised like gay people - Cartman...you're gay, aren't you?'

'Shhhh, Kyle!' Cartman put his hand over Kyle's mouth, and craned his neck around to see if anyone overheard. 'I don't know, alright? Promise me you won't say anything to Stan or Kenny or anyone. Promise me!'

'I promise.' Kyle choked out. Cartman let him go, but to his amazement, Cartman suddenly started bawling.

'You...you d-don't like me, Kyle, like-like me, because...because...because I'm f—f-faaaaat.'

'No Cartman. I don't like-like you because you're a sociopath.' Kyle said quietly. 'And because I don't like guys. I'm sorry.'

Cartman sniffled. 'How...how do you know?'

Kyle shrugged. 'I just know. All the crushes I've ever had have been girls.'

Cartman sniffed. 'But you could still be bi-sexual.'

'I don't think so. I mean, if there's a piece of cake in front of you, you don't have to take a bite of it to know if youre hungry or full. I think sexuality might be like that.'

'But...sometimes...I think I'm full...and then I take a bite of dessert...and realise I have more rooooom...I can always cram at least six choc-dipped churros in at Casa Bonita, no matter what I ate before.'

Kyle looked down at his feet.

The pleading tone dropped out of Cartman's voice: 'Think about it Kyle, just for a minute. What if all these years of us arguing, scheming against each other, the name calling...what if it was all fueled by...sexual tension? What if it was chemistry?'

'No, Cartman, no.' Kyle said. 'It might have been for you. But it wasn't for me. I'm sorry man - I really am. I've gotta go.'

Kyle got up and walked home alone, only turning back once before hurrying off.

Cartman waited until he was out of sight, before he pulled out his phone. 'Alexa. Note down that as of 4:36pm, everything is going according to plan.'

Kyle is in his pajamas in bed. He tosses and turns. Finally, he gets out of bed and grabs his phone.

Stan answers. 'Dude, what are you doing? It's like 1am. What's wrong?'

'I know...sorry... it's just...' Kyle paused. 'Listen, I'm going to tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone. That means Wendy and Kenny too. It's a big deal. Do you promise?'

Stan was wide awake now. 'Sure, I promise.'

Kyle sighed. 'I think I know what's been going on with Cartman...I think he has a crush on me.'

Stan started laughing.

'It's not funny.'

'No, no you're right...it's fucking hilarious. Cartman is gay? For you?!' Stan held the phone away from his face and laughed some more. When he got control of himself, he put the phone back to his ear.

'It's not funny dude!' Kyle hissed. 'At first I thought he was faking it, that it was one of his plans to mess with me, but what does he possibly have to gain? It's doing my head in.'

Stan thought for a minute. 'It would kind of make sense. Cartman's always teasing you. Always trying to get your attention, pushing your buttons. That's classic crush stuff.'

'But what do I do about it?' Kyle asked plaintively.

'Nothing dude. If its a fake-out, it's better to ignore him. And if it's real, its not your problem, it's his.'

'I know...but...' and here Kyle paused. 'I can't help but think - he's been really different the past few weeks, right? Like, healthier. Nicer. What if...what if I could rescue the world from Cartman just by going out with him? Wouldn't I, sort of, owe the world that?'

Stan's eyes bugged out. 'Dude...'

Kyle interrupted. 'Don't get me wrong, Stan, I'm not gay. But I mean, what if this is a tipping point? What if I look back in twenty years after Cartman has become the next Ghengis Khan and think: I could have prevented this. I could have changed things, right here?'

'But could you do it? Could you bring yourself to like...kiss Cartman?' Stan shuddered. 'And do butt sex and stuff?'

'I don't think I'd have to go that far...it would probably just be holding his hand...'

'Well...if you could go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby, would you?'

'No.' Kyle said after a long pause. 'But I would kidnap him and try to raise him not to be an evil bastard.'

'Then I guess you have your answer.'

'Thanks, dude...I think.'

Kyle hung up and stared at the wall in wonder and horror at what he'd just said.

Meanwhile, the phone rang at Kenny's house.

Kenny answered, 'Stn, ms muh-km m ahm—'

'—I know, but dude' Stan cut him off 'Kyle is going to date Cartman.'

There was absolute silence in the hallway as Wendy, Token, Craig and the other kids stared at the two boys walking by, hand in hand.

Jimmy stared for a moment, then began to stutter: 'A J-...a J-...a Jew and a F-F-Fascist walk into a bar...'

Kenny looked up from his locker and started laughing. His snickering became so violent that he fell on the floor and began kicking his feet in the air.

'Real mature, Ken, real mature.' Cartman didn't even change his gaze from straight ahead. Neither did Kyle. He managed not to blush, but he behaved a like someone in a wind tunnel, trying to avoid getting sucked in to any of the jeers and commentary.

The two boys took their seats in class next to each other. Cartman passed Kyle a note.

'Oooh lover's note!' Token called. 'What's it say?'

Cartman rolled his eyes. 'It says Wendy Williams wants her 'tude back, Token.'

Kyle passed a note back: 'Remember you promised: no more ripping on minorities.'

Cartman rolled his eyes.

After class, Kyle was at his locker putting books away while Cartman was in the toilets.

Craig and Tweak wandered up.

'Hey guys.' Kyle shut his locker door.

'What does he have on you?' Craig asked.

'Sorry, what?'

'Cartman. What does he have on you? Is he blackmailing you to pretend to be his boyfriend?'

Kyle frowned. 'He's not blackmailing me.'

'There's no way! No way you're doing this f-for real.' Tweak jittered.

'Why not? Just because there's no Yaoi paintings of us?' Kyle asked.

'There will be.' Craig's tone was ominous.

'Seriously, Kyle. Are you in trouble? Do you need help?'

Kyle sighed. 'No dude, I'm fine. Thanks for looking out for me —'

'Ah! He's coming!' Tweak blurted.

Cartman sidled up. 'Hey guys - looking for a double date? No offense, but I don't think Kyle and I are quite there yet...'

Wendy grabbed Kyle's arm while Cartman was talking and dragged him down the corridor: 'What the hell are you playing at?'

Kyle groaned. 'Oh, c'mon!'

Wendy continued: 'You know he's toxic. You're always the one warning everyone else that he's toxic. So what are you doing with him?'

Kyle sighed. 'Cartman likes me. And he's a better person when he's around me...'

Wendy snorted. 'He's playing you. You know he's got a secret plan - he always has a plan! And you're his little pawn.'

Kyle scowled, and opened the door to the play ground.

'Get out - get out while you still can.' Wendy left him standing there and joined the girls playing jump rope.

Cartman found Kyle alone, gritting this teeth behind the bike shed. 'You okay, Kyle?'

Kyle sighed. 'Yeah.'

'It seems like you're hiding back here...is it what Token said in class?' Cartman asked. 'Don't worry about him, he's probably just jealous that you're High Yellow and he's not.'

Kyle frowned. 'High Yellow?'

'You know, when black people get jealous of other black people who have lighter skin than them and can pass more easily among normal white people. When they shop for make-up the pigment they have to buy is called 'high yellow' hence the name...' Cartman looked up slowly and saw Kyle scowling at him.

'What?'

'You fucker...'

'What Kyle? I know you're not black; Arabs are mostly brown. Plus, your Jewish blood must be pretty dilute cos it doesn't even show—'

'—You almost had me. You fucking racist dipshit, I almost believed you when you said you'd try to cut down the hate speech and show more respect for my people. But no. You couldn't go five minutes without bringing God-damned eugenics into everything!'

With that, Kyle shoved Cartman back into the shed wall.

'Kyle!' Cartman frowned and shoved Kyle back. 'What the hell are you doing?!'

'I'm an idiot. For ever thinking you'd change.' Kyle threw a punch at Cartman.

'Eh! Stop that! Kyah-ahl! That really fucking hurt!' He rubbed his face. 'Why do you always have to have so much sand in your vagina?'

'Ahhhh!' Kyle screamed and lunged at Cartman, trying to choke him. Cartman managed to grab the flap of Kyle's hat and tear it, but he was losing the fight.

'Kahl...' he panted. 'Listen..."

'What?' Kyle fumed, loosening, but not dropping his grip from Cartman's neck. 'What could you possibly have to say for yourself?'

'Kah-' Cartman panted something indistinguishable. Kyle leaned in to hear him...

Cartman dropped the act and pulled him by the neck into a kiss.

It was only a brief affair - open mouth, no tongue - but less horrible than Kyle had imagined. Cartman's lips were soft and full, kind of sensual, and he seemed to actually know what he was doing, like he'd kissed people before. Also, he didn't try to force the moment to go for longer than it should.

And it was unlike Cartman to show restraint in any area of life.

Kyle had been struck dumb in the middle of his rant. He was just kind of staring at Cartman.

Cartman cleared his throat awkwardly: 'Now that I have your attention...I've been thinking, Kyle, there's really only one way to prove that I'm serious about you.'

Kyle frowned. 'What's that?'

'I went and talked to your rabbi the other day at the synagogue. He said he would help me convert, as long as you'd be my witness. Maybe help me learn the Hebrew?'

'You...want to convert to Judaism?' Kyle was flabbergasted. 'I think...I think I need a moment.'

'Well, you know what they say - if you can't beat them, join them.' Cartman smiled. 'I'd have to become one eventually anyway. You know...if we stayed together in the long run.'

'This isn't like faking a tic or sticking a bow in your hair to convince the world you have Tourette's or are transgender. It's a big commitment...' Kyle warned.

'I know Kyle,' Cartman took his hand. 'I know.'

'And you swear you're doing this for real. For...' and here Kyle faltered, 'For me.'

'Yes, Kyle, I swear.'

Kyle sighed, and seemed a little less cynical as he did so. 'Okay Cartman. I'll help. But if I even so much as suspect you're plotting something, we are done. You know that, right?'

'Of course, Kyle.'

The bell rang and Kyle moved toward the schoolroom stairs.

Cartman put his hand in his pocket.

'Alexa? Stage 2 complete.'

'So according to Deuteronomy, actions are more important than beliefs, and beliefs must be made into actions?' Cartman recited.

'Yeah, that's right!' Kyle's desk was covered with papers and the Torah was open in front of him. He was weirdly excited about studying with Cartman, who was actually doing really well with learning the Jewish tenets.

Cartman put the papers in front of him down.

'Can I tell you something? I've had something on my mind, and I know you're going to think it's super juvenile and lame, but I need to know.'

'What, Cartman?'

'When I get circumcised...is it going to make my dick smaller?'

Kyle blinked. 'Um, it doesn't make it smaller...just cleaner, and more sensitive.'

'I see.' Cartman paused.

'They don't actually cut away any of the penis. Just the foreskin...there's no need for you to rush in though.' Kyle ventured.

'Do you think you could...show me yours?' Cartman asked after a moment.

Kyle gulped. 'If you want to see what circumcised penises looks like, why not just check it out on the Internet?'

Cartman rolled his eyes. 'I did that already, obviously. It's fine. You don't have to be weird about it. I just - if I'm going to put my dick under the knife I want to see first hand what I'm getting myself into, you know?'

Kyle thought for a moment. 'Ugh...Okay fine. Go shut my door in case my Mom walks by.'

Cartman did so, and as he wandered back, Kyle took a deep breath, and pulled down his pants.

'Hmm' Cartman bent forward, hand on his chin like he was an official inspector. 'That's a nice dick you have there, Kyle. Good length, reasonable girth...'

'Dude, don't make this weirder.' Kyle said through gritted teeth.

'So the head is like, always out there.' Cartman mused, almost to himself. 'May I?' Before he got an answer he reached forward and grabbed the shaft.

'Hey!' Kyle said, pulling back.

'Wow, super sensitive.' Cartman's eyes shot up, as he noticed Kyle was getting semi-hard. 'I was looking for a scar.'

'There isn't a scar.' Kyle was getting embarrassed. 'Are you almost done?'

'Almost...' Cartman leaned forward and put his wet mouth loosely over the head.

'Cartman!' Kyle tried to step back, and fell back into his chair.

'You're telling me you didn't like that?' Cartman said, silkily stroking Kyle's shaft. 'Your blue balls beg to differ.'

'This isn't what we...ahnugh...' Kyle's protest died in his throat as Cartman engulfed him in his mouth again. He was definitely hard now.

'So Kyle, do I have your consent to continue, or do you want me to stop?' Cartman teased, his hand moving lightly over the shaft up and down, touching and tickling.

'I...damnit, you tricked me...'Kyle panted, 'I- aughmmm' Cartman was kneeling, this time taking Kyle fully into his mouth and throat. He bobbed his head two or three times and then came up for air.

'So you're saying you don't like this Kyle?' Cartman grinned, enjoying the power trip. 'You want it to stop?' He could see that oh-so-PC rational mind clouding over with pleasure.

'N-no...' Kyle's voice was breathy and quiet.

'Hmm.' Cartman's lips vibrated right at the tip before he took Kyle entirely into his mouth again, sucking in a slow steady rhythm. Kyle clutched the arms of his computer chair, the feeling was so intense. 'Then ask me to keep going.'

'C...Cartman...keep going.' Kyle felt like he was going to explode.

The kneeling boy gave him a feral grin and pulled up. 'That didn't sound much like asking, Kyle. More like telling. And you're in no position to do much more than beg.' He continued stroking the shaft, but pulled away from Kyle's head until he heard the magic words.

'Please, Cartman, just finish this!' Kyle groaned. It was a weird mix of pleasure and discomfort he'd never experienced before.

'Temper, temper.' Cartman mock-scolded, before applying his mouth one more time to the head.

He was surprised when he felt Kyle's hand stroke his neck, and clutch his hair.

'Ah-ah, Cartman!' Kyle's voice got higher and more desperate, 'I think I'm going to - UNGH'

Kyle's eyes closed, and Cartman's opened a bit before he made himself swallow.

He stood up, grabbed a glass of water from the table, and took a swig before saying 'Yeah, I think I'm a fan of circumcisions after all.'

Kyle, still dazed, was fumbling to pull his pants back up.

'If only we'd figured out how to do that a while ago - maybe I wouldn't have spent all those years torturing you. We could have just done this. It's super fun to watch you squirm.'

'How...did you even know how to do that?' Kyle asked shakily, still not sure where to look.

'I've seen my mom do it.' Cartman said offhandedly. 'Plus, there's a how-to guide for everything on the Internet these days.'

'I've never...' Kyle trailed off, not sure he wanted to admit what he was about to say, 'that's the first time I've ever come.' He felt strangely vulnerable saying it out loud.

Five minutes ago the power dynamics had been clear; Cartman had been his project, he'd had the moral high ground. But now...somehow Cartman had evened the score.

'You don't have wet dreams?' Cartman asked.

'No.' Kyle reached out a hand to hold Eric's. 'We really are dating now, huh?'

Cartman grinned. 'It wasn't going to be all lame study dates forever.'

'Am I supposed to...do that for you, too?' Kyle asked anxiously.

'Maybe later; I think we've done enough experimenting for one day.'

Cartman pulled out his phone behind his back and tapped a quick message to Alexis.

After Cartman had gone home for dinner, Kyle was using his computer when Ike peered around the door, scowling.

'Hey Ike.' Kyle said over his shoulder.

'You. Fuck-ing Fag-got.' Ike said.

'What?!' Kyle spun around.

'I HEARD you. With Fat-ass.' Ike hopped closer to his older brother. 'He's PLAY-ing you.'

'No, Ike.' Kyle closed his eyes and put his head in his hand. 'It's complicated.'

'No. It's sim-ple. STOP Think-ing with your dick.'

'I'm not.'

Ike gave him a pointed stare.

'I know I shouldn't have let him rush me with the relationship stuff. But I'm not even gay. I'm doing this to make Cartman a better person. Really. Cartman's even thinking about converting to Judaism.'

Ike slapped his forehead with his hand.

'Please don't tell Mom - I want to be the one to tell her we're going out...eventually. Ike, promise me!'

Ike sighed. 'I prom-ise. But Ky-ile...watch. Your. Back.'

'I will Ike. I will.'

Kyle and Cartman were sitting in the library with a maths textbook open on the desk in front of them. Kyle was reading about surds and irrational numbers with a furrowed brow, when Cartman's hand disappeared under the desk. Kyle looked up at Cartman and hissed:

'What the hell are you doing?!'

'I'm rubbing your crotch. And from what I can feel down there, it doesn't seem like you want me to stop.'

'Are you insane? We're in clear view of everyone!' Kyle stage whispered.

Cartman gave him an evil grin. 'That's what makes it so fun!' With that, his hand dove into the other boy's pants, skin on skin.

'Uhh.' Kyle moaned softly.

'Your dick's pretty hard down there, huh?' Cartman spoke quietly. 'Practically poking out the top of your shorts.' Kyle blushed, and tried to focus on his maths textbook but already the figures were blurry. 'If only there was a way, you could think of, that could release all that tension.' Cartman's warm breath was tickling Kyle's ear as he leaned close. 'Can you think of anything, Kyle?'

'Yeah...' Kyle panted.

'Really? Is it something I could do?' Cartman gave the shaft a playful squeeze that almost sent Kyle's eyes bugging out of his head.

'You know what it is.' Kyle hissed.

'No, Im afraid I don't, Kyle. You'll have to spell it out for me. And soon, because things are about to get awfully messy.' Cartman brushed a thumb over the head and enjoyed Kyle's gasp.

'You asshole.' Kyle hissed. 'Fine. Please Cartman will you blow me?'

'Sure, Kyle, as soon as you call me by my first name.' Cartman cooed.

'Please ERIC will you blow me?' That awkward pleasure pain mix was building up again.

'Are you sure Kyle? We are in a library.'

'Please yes!'

Cartman smiled, and slid under the table.

Kyle was blushing furiously, biting his lip, and trying to avoid looking in the direction of any other library patrons. The delicious wet feeling engulfed him, almost too intense at first, but then it was amazing. Quick too - something about the added fear of getting caught was making the experience more intense.

Kyle gasped so loudly when he came that he had to pretend to cover it with a sneeze.

'There we go!' Cartman resurfaced as though he'd just been looking for his pencil. 'I got the little sucker.' This time he reached a hand under the table for Kyle's—the read-headed boy felt obliged to hold it; this was the third sexual favour Cartman had performed for him, and yet they'd only kissed that one time.

'Cartman' Kyle hesitated. 'Aren't you worried this is all going a little...fast? We've only been going out for a few weeks.'

'Don't be so unwoke, Kyle. Gay relationships move faster than straight ones. Everyone knows that.' Cartman scoffed.

Kyle blinked. 'You think Tweak and Craig...?'

Cartman nodded sagely. 'I imagine Craig gives it to Tweak on the regular.'

'So...is there anything you want me to "give" you? Not here, obviously...' Kyle's sense of fair play was making him push a conversation he really didn't want to have. After all, he was only faux-gay...even if he did occasionally catch himself daydreaming about Cartman grinning at him and toying with his cock.

'Not yet, Kyle. Wait til my conversion; when you pork me for the first time, I want it to be Kosher.'

'Cartman!' Kyle rolled his eyes. But something about all this one-sided attention was making Kyle suspicious. Cartman was greedy by nature. There must be a reason he was being so selfless.

Later, when Cartman had gone down the street to get snacks, Kyle looked up and saw Kenny had wandered into the library.

'What's he doing here?' Kyle wondered aloud.

He caught up to Kenny in the 'periodicals' section, flicking through the National Geographics. 'Hey dude.'

'Mm, hm Khm.'

'What are you...oh.' He looked away as Kenny ripped out a picture of a topless African Tribeswoman out of the magazine.

'Can't you get porn at home like a regular kid?' Kyle asked.

'Shm, bh suhm-hm m lah m ghm ohm-shml.'

'And "oldschool" means stealing porn from libraries?' A light went on in Kyle's head. 'Kenny...you know a lot about sex and BJs and stuff, right?'

Kenny shrugged. 'Shm.'

'What would it mean if someone liked giving BJs all the time, but didn't want anything in return?'

Kenny's eyes went wide. 'Kh-m mv ym ah Bhm-jm?!' Then he started laughing.

'What's so funny?' Kyle scowled.

'Hm's duhmmehm ym.'

'How is he dominating me if he's the one with a dick in his mouth?' Kyle hadn't meant it to sound so crass, but the whole thing was starting to freak him out.

'Bh-mhm, hm lah kn-kh-m hm ym heel.'

Kyle snorted. It figured. Even when he was trying to be a decent human being, Cartman's penchant for controlling behavior had to out somewhere.

'Dnhm ohm-m-himk m. Ah Bhm-jms a Bhm-jm.'

'Uh thanks. I won't.' Kenny wandered off with his stolen pic tucked under his hoodie, probably going home to masturbate.

Kyle was over-thinking it though. Ever since that first time Cartman had made him come, there had been an uneasiness in Kyle - he was worried about accepting things he wasn't ready to give, about how fast they were moving, and more than anything, about blurring the line between his altruistic reasons for dating Cartman and his own physical desires. Did the fact that Cartman could make him hard mean that he was gay or bi too? Or would any boy respond to...stimulus...like that? Did it mean Kyle had latent attraction to Eric Cartman? That would be fucked up.

Was Kyle using Cartman? Or was Cartman the one really driving their relationship?

Kyle shook his head, as if to banish these crazy thoughts, and snapped, grabbed his books, and headed home.

'Dude, the fuck?' Cartman asked, having returned with a bag of peanut M&Ms.

'Sorry, gotta go - see you in school Cartman.'

Kyle hurried down the street.

'Well you blow a guy and this is the thanks you get.' Cartman sighed. 'It seems, Alexa, it might be time to execute Stage 3.'

The beit din were assembled.

Cartman's mother and Kyle were standing with Cartman. Kyle's family were all in the front row.

Even Kenny, Stan and Butters were there, a few rows back.

Cartman had just accepted the yoke of the Torah, and was now being dipped into the mitzvah. All that was left was the circumcision.

Cartman went behind a screen with the Rabbi and...'ahhh fuck that fucking hurt!'

The Rabbi sighed. 'The Talmud reminds us that a convert is one who has always been a Jewish soul, and is now come to his true place. Like a newborn child, Eric will need our blessings and patience.'

'Mazel tuv, Eric.' Kyle beamed.

Things had been going really well, lately. It had been Cartman's idea to ease off the sex stuff - he'd even vaguely apologized for being "kinky" in the library. Against the odds he was getting straight As in school, and had aced learning all the Jewish precepts.

Now, Kyle had a surprise for him.

'So, I've been wanting to get you something for a while now.' Kyle said. 'So I contacted the Birthright people...and arranged for you to come with Aaron and me on the kibutz! I know it sounds kinda lame, but I figured it would be a good opportunity to get to know your new people, and at the very least, it's a free holiday. What do you think?'

'Sure.' Cartman smiled. 'I mean, it can't be fruit-picking all summer long, right?'

'There's lots of ancient sites that tourists can visit...and I thought we could go to the Max Brenner outlet store, and try some of the boutique chocolate.' Kyle laughed, knowing which one was likely to be the bigger drawcard for Cartman. 'You did well today. Do you feel...different?'

'Hmm...perhaps a sudden hankering for...' he pulled a little sack out from around his neck with gold coins in it.

'Grrr...Cartman! Can't you at least wait til we get out of Temple to be a dick?' But Kyle was laughing. No one in their right mind, not even Cartman, would string a gag along this far if they were insincere. He'd just had the tip of his dick cut off, for fuck's sake. He felt pretty confident Eric was on the level, this time.

'Sorry Kyle. Take me as I am.' Cartman smirked.

At the start of summer break, Kyle and Cartman got on a plane. Aaron was sixteen, and seriously uninterested in babysitting his younger relative - he was a bit more orthodox than Kyle's family, and when he dragged the earphones out of his ears long enough to acknowledge them, he tended to express disapproval about Cartman in one way or the other. They were met at Telaviv airport by someone holding a huge Birthright sign, and were soon rolling out in a mini bus to the countryside. After being shown their rooms, they headed out into the garden to begin work.

'Ugh, no offense, but Aaron is a dick.' Cartman rolled his eyes. What maudlin crap is he even listening to?

'I think they might actually be prayers in Hebrew.' Kyle shrugged, putting oranges into a basket. 'You gonna help, fatass?'

'I would, but this heat is making my balls all sweaty and it's irritating my circumcision.'

'Cartman...' Kyle began, and then sighed. He couldn't expect everything about Cartman to change overnight. 'Why don't you tell the overseer and go lie down for a bit?'

'Thanks, Kyle.'

Cartman walked toward the farmhouse, but as soon as Kyle's head was bowed, he scampered towards a giant wall. On top were members of the Israeli military.

Cartman pulled some folded paper out of his pocket, and crumpled the sheets around rocks he found on the ground. Once they were securely fastened, he pulled out a slingshot and aimed a rock so it struck an officer in the side of the face.

'Huh?!' The angry officer unrolled the sheet of paper which showed the Palestinian flag and a crude drawing of a dick.

Cartman shot at another soldier. And another.

Incensed, the military fired their machine guns mercilessly over the wall, and sounds of groaning were heard.

'Oh no.' Kyle said, staring at the communal television screen in the farmhouse. A montage of angry Arabs, machine guns and buildings crumbling.

'Israeli troops have seized almost fifty percent of what remained Palestinian territory when this afternoon's events provoked retaliation.' The commentator translated.

'Uh, Kyle, I know I'm new to the whole Jewish thing but aren't we supposed to want the Palestinians gone?'

'Not like this...all those kids, mothers, grandparents...'

Aaron leaned forward. 'You should listen to your little gay friend. The Arabs would wipe us off the face of the planet, Kyle, if they had a chance. Take today - they started it.'

'Yeah but the Palestinians were throwing rocks. We're throwing grenades. Doesn't that seem a little unfair to you?' Kyle demanded.

'Pshaw, you're just too young to understand international politics.' Aaron put his headphones back in.

'Argh. C'mon Cartman, do you want to go do some crafts or something?'

'As enticing as that sounds Kyle, I've got to go hit the showers. Damn this thing stings.' Cartman gestured down to his junk before heading out of the room.

'You big baby.' Kyle muttered. He wasn't really mad at Cartman though. He flopped down on his bunk and pulled out his laptop. He'd been tapping away for a little while when a pop-up ad caught his attention.

'Zany Zachariah's Crazy deal for Zionists...' He read aloud 'Discount homes in the Holy Lands. Show proof of Jewish heritage and receive a discount on land and property tax of over 90%. Ugh, they're capitalising on the massacre today. Sick!' Kyle did some digging to see where the ad originated...The email contact was listed as .

Holy shit.

'Butters!' Kyle exclaimed, popping up a videochat window.

'Er, hi Kyle.' Butters waved sheepishly. 'W-what are you doing up so late?'

'Cut the crap, Butters. Tell me why you're advertising Israeli real estate?! What the hell is Cartman's plan?'

'Well, Uh, I'm not really supposed to talk about it...' Butters poked the ends of his index fingers together nervously.

'You expect me to believe it's a coincidence that Cartman is over here, supposedly being Jewish, and you are there, trying to lure more Jewish people into moving to Israel?'

'Well, 90 percent is a really good discount. And your people do love a bargain, Kyle.'

'Just tell me the plan, or so help me I'll call Stan and Kenny right now and tell them to go trash your parents' house and say it was you.'

'Oh nuts! Okay Kyle, I'll tell...It's all about Christian Zionism...'

'What?' Kyle was getting even more annoyed.

'What exactly does that mean?'

'It means, that for Christians, we can only ascend in the Rapture once all the Jews have retaken and returned to the Holy Lands - that's why Cartman had to get rid of Palestine. It was my job to make sure all the Jews returned.' He paused. 'I'm awful sorry you'll be burning in hell while Eric and I ride the ponies with Jesus in heaven.'

'Wait, so that curdled tub of insanity actually think he's about to trigger the Rapture? By commiting genocide against an entire country?!' Kyle turned over his shoulder as he heard more gunfire.

'To think, I let myself believe...' he shook his head. No time to waste. He had to find Cartman.

Cartman was aiming his slingshot again when Kyle tackled him, fists flying.

'Kahl! Glumph-' Cartman rolled around, trying to get the angry boy in green off of him.

'Do you even- unh - know what you've done?!All these people!' Kyle was straddling Cartman, punching him.

'Oww, get off my dick, Kyle.' Cartman complained. Kyle let him up, but held him by the shirt collar. 'You're as much to blame here as me.'

Kyle scoffed. 'How did *I* do this? You freaking converted. You were circumcised. You sucked my dick—'

'—Yes. And it made your sense of fairplay go haywire, didn't it?' Cartman paced, explaining. 'So much so that you invited me on kibutz. You brought me to Israel. You did this Kyle.'

'And what was it all for? So you could trigger some dumb Christian prophecy that isn't going to work anyway? What is wrong with you?'

'It is too going to work.' Cartman tossed back. 'You think you're such a smart little skeptic. But we live in a world where weird shit happens all the time. You've met Jesus, Kyle. Satan too. Fuck, even Moses has spoken to you! Don't tell me you don't believe this could really work...'

Kyle goggled. That was actually a good point.

'So what, you just plan to trigger the Rapture and send all the Christians to heaven, and leave the Jews stranded on earth?'

'Not exactly, Kyle. You'll be judged, and sent to Satan's hell fires for all eternity.' Cartman paused. 'I've finally won. Soon all the Jews will flood back into Israel, and then its ponies and brownies forever.'

'But not for you, fatass!' Kyle scowled. 'You're a Jew now, remember?'

'I'm not a real Jew though. It was just a facade...'

'No, dumbass, that's not how Judaism works.' Kyle rolled his eyes. 'Once you convert, it's forever. You took on the covenants...'

'But I didn't mean any of it —' Cartman was trying to look nonchalant, but a hint of worry was creeping into his voice.

'It doesn't matter what you meant, you did it! Don't you remember what we studied? It's your actions that matter more than your beliefs - and you went through the motions, so now you're a Jew. And whatever happens to my people, will happen to you.'

'No...NO! You mean, I'm stuck as a Jew forever? I can't ever go back?! So I'll NEVER GET TO GO TO HEAVEN?!'

'That's right.' Kyle grinned. 'And it looks like pretty soon, you'll be going to hell.'

'Oh fuck! Cmon Kyle, we've got to save our people!' Cartman grabbed Kyle by the hand and, panting and running, ran down in front of the giant wall.

'Stop! This is wrong!' Cartman bellowed. 'Don't you see? Our Arab neighbours are people too, just like you and me...'

Then he began to sing:

'In the desert life can seem so hard

The sun and sand is lame

But deep down we all follow one God

Deep down, we're all the same.'

'We're all the same,

We're all the same,

The prophets in our oldest books

Are called by the same names:

Daniel, Solomon the wise,

Of Torah and Quran fame

They were the same men,

We worship them the same.'

The Israeli military joined hands along the wall and started singing along. Cartman seized Kyle's hand.

'Cartman—'

'Do you want peace in the Middle East or not, Kyle? Shut up and sway.'

Eventually, the Palestinians crawled out of their bunkers. A few de-strapped the bombs from their chests, and joined the line and began to sing.

On the farmhouses' communal television, a CNN news alert translated into English: After single-handedly bringing peace to the Middle East with their hit song 'We're All the Same' which has already been translated into several languages, the two little Jewish boys have set up a soup kitchen in the former No-Man's Land for Palestinians.'

'Argh! It's so hot out here! The sweat is stinging my dick—'

'Well, you should have thought of that before you tried to cause a genocide, fatass.' Kyle and Cartman were both wearing aprons and serving food along with other volunteers to a long line of waiting Palestinians.

'There's still plenty of Palestinians left.' Cartman complained.

'Still plenty of—come with me.' Kyle took off his apron, grabbed Cartman's hand and dragged him among the tents and temporary housing.

It was a miserable sight. Old ladies with bandages over their faces, a few men with missing legs. Even Cartman's eyebrows shot up. 'Damn this is depressing.'

Kyle stopped to talk to one little girl who was huddled alone in a corner of one of the tents.

Nearby, a dirty-faced little Arabic boy was crying, holding a stuffed animal with the ear ripped open.

'He's—he's got a Clyde Frog.' Cartman said quietly.

Kyle watched him go over to the boy, and pretend to listen to the frog's chest, and then pull out a handkerchief and tie it around the frog's head to hold the stuffing in. The little boy smiled and hugged Cartman before running off to play.

'Dude—'

'—Can we go home now, Kyle? I...I have to go home.'

'So what did you think of the Holy Lands?' Shelia asked, when she picked the boys up from the airport.

Kyle sighed 'It was great, Ma.'

'Its a shame you boys came back so early. Your father and I were thinking of coming to visit —there's some great real estate opportunities in Israel—'

'—I don't think Ike would like being so far away from Canada.' Kyle said quickly.

'Oh. I hadn't thought of that. You might be right bubbe.'

Kyle sighed in relief.

Sheila dropped Cartman at his door.

'Thanks, Mrs Browflowski.'

'No problem, Eric.'

He'd been silent the whole way home, just watching in-flight films and avoiding eye contact with Kyle, or pretending to sleep.

Cartman shuffled into his bedroom and sighed. 'Alexis.'

'Yes Eric?' Came the electronic voice.

'We lost. I lost...Alexis? What's the meaning of life?'

'The meaning of life depends on the life in question - 42 is a good approximation.'

'Lame.' Cartman picked up his Clyde Frog and stared at it. 'Alexa...add bulging anal prolapse to my shopping list.'

'I have added bulging anal prolapse to your shopping list.'

'Hmm. That used to be so funny.'

Kyle was still feeling so guilty about Palestine that he and Stan organized a food drive at their school - Stan playing the song acoustically on guitar to help grab attention.

Kyle was getting really sick of the I-told-you-sos. He almost felt like Wendy had joined the food drive just so she could gloat. Cartman hadn't even been at school all the week, but he walked by and flipped a coin into the donation bucket without even stopping.

'Nothing else to say to your ex?' Kyle barbed.

Cartman just kept walking.

After class, Cartman found Stan putting books in his locker, guitar leaning against the wall.

'What do you want, Cartman?' He didn't sound pissed - Stan was never pissed when Cartman did something crazy, unless it directly affected him.

'Do you remember...when you turned 10? And everything started feeling like shit and you complained about everything?'

Stan snorted. 'Yeah...'

'How...how did you make it stop?'

Stan shrugged. 'I didn't.'

'So, what...I'm a walking pile of crap right now?

He saw a brief flash of Cartman as a giant knot of turd. 'Yep.'

'How do you, like, manage to show up every day?' Cartman's voice was almost in awe.

Stan stared at him for a long moment, and then pulled a bottle of bourbon out of his locker.

Cartman's eyes shot up. 'Does Kyle know?'

'Kyle's not my dad...' Stan spat. 'You want some or not?'

Cartman took a swig. 'Ew, it tastes like cough medicine.'

'Keep your voice down.' Stan said, taking a swig himself and putting the bottle back in his locker.

'So...So you're not mad at me? Is Kenny?' Cartman asked.

'No dude. Neither of us care. Kyle probably only cares cos you made him look like a douche and an idiot for trusting you. Everybody warned him not to. And now everyone's rubbing it in his face.'

Something about that made Cartman need another swig from Stan's bottle. 'So like, none of you believed I'd really converted?'

Stan laughed. 'No way dude. We only went to your conversion because Kyle begged us to. Pretty sure he begged his parents to go as well. Damn, he was so invested. You must have given really good head.'

Cartman blinked. 'He...told you about that?'

'Nah, Kenny did.'

Cartman wondered how Kenny found out. No way Kyle told Kenny but not Stan...

'So are you gonna go back to failing school now?' Stan asked.

'Maybe.' Cartman had sort of liked doing well at school for once. He'd actually brought the math textbook with him to school that day. Once Kyle had caught him up, the whole thing hadn't seemed so...hard.

Stan took a final swig and put the bottle back, half empty.

'Damn.' Cartman said, eyeing the bottle. 'You're definitely Randy Marsh's son, aren't you?'

'Fuck off dude,' Stan slammed his locker, 'You're not my dad either.'

'Eric. Another A. Nice.' Mr Garrison handed back the afternoon quizzes. Kyle shot a look over at Cartman. He must have actually studied on his own. Maybe his project hadn't been a complete waste—

'No.' He muttered to himself. There was no silver lining. He'd been trying to avoid Cartman growing up into the next Hitler and instead he'd been Cartman's accomplice in genocide. It had all backfired. There was no silver lining.

But Cartman went on getting As in school. He wasn't sure why he bothered to study. It wasn't that hard anymore now that he had learned *how*—thanks to Kyle. It sort of felt like penance. Really lame penance, perhaps, but a way to show the others, show Kyle, that he wasn't such an asshole.

Barely anyone at school talked to him. Except Butters, but Butters talked to everyone. It was weirdly quiet without he and Kyle fighting, or coming up with lame new schemes.

On Saturday afternoon, he found himself wandering into the synagogue, and attending the afternoon shabbat. He didn't understand half of what was going on, but from what he understood about Judaism now, it turned out they were stuck with each other, and if he didn't want to go to whatever Jewish hell was, he was going to have to figure out how not to piss off Moses.

He was surprised to see Ike sitting a few rows up. His parents weren't there, nor his brother. It struck him that he'd never thought of Ike as a 'real jew' because he wasn't one by blood. But he'd been circumcised and all, and here he was, of his own volition, on a Saturday.

Ike was crazy smart too - like his brother. But it couldn't have been genetic since Ike was adopted. It was the first time Cartman had really thought about the 'nature vs nurture' argument- he tended to think people were born smart, or dumb, normal or black, etc.

Maybe Kyle had tutored Ike as he was growing up? Read books to him or something?

He was a sickeningly doting big brother.

After the service ended, Ike came hopping up to Cartman, scowling.

'What. Are YOU. Do-ing here?'

'Well, I'm a Jew now, Ike.'

Ike just scowled harder.

'How's Kyle?' Cartman asked. They hadn't spoken since Kyle had made the jibe about being exes on Monday.

'Stay. A-WAY from Ky-ile.' Ike warned. 'Or I'll. Fuck. You. Up.'

'Jesus Christ, I was just asking.'

'Wrong GOD, Jew.' Ike said.

'Can you...can you just tell him...I'm sorry?'

Ike's eyebrows tilted so his expression was one of surprise.

'Forget it.' Cartman skulked away, with Ike staring, confused, after him.

The following day, Kyle didn't feel like playing video games. He walked down toward Stark's Pond - it was peaceful there, and he still needed to think.

The last person he wanted to see was already occupying the bench, drinking from a bottle in a brown paper bag.

'Cartman! What the hell? Are you drinking?'

'Oh, Hey Ka-yul. Nope. Not drinking. Drunk.'

Kyle grabbed it and sniffed it to check he wasn't being faked out again. 'Where did you get bourbon fatass?'

'K...hic...Kenny's house. Stan wouldn't sh-sh-share. Pile of crap.'

'Bullshit. Stan doesn't drink—'

'Of course, Kyle. You. You're always right, huh?' You were so right...about me.'

Now Kyle was getting really concerned. He made a mental note to confront Stan about this—he knew he'd had a rough time over his tenth birthday, but he was better now, right?

He tipped cartman's bottle over and only a tiny bit came out onto the ground. He sighed.

'Hey!—'

'—you know alcohol poisoning is a real thing, right? Cmon, you've got to go to the hospital...' he tugged at Cartman, but the large boy stayed where he was, staring stupidly at Kyle.

'Why would you take me to the hospital? Why would you take me anywhere?'

'Because—' Kyle stopped. He couldn't say 'this is the right thing to do' as he'd planned, because he'd observed, more than once, that, objectively, it would be better for Cartman to just die and for the world to be rid of him.

'Because, you could be better than this.' He finished lamely.

'Nobody believes that, Kyle. Not even me.'

Cartman's eyes welled up, but it wasn't the theatrical crying Kyle was used to when Cartman wanted his own way. 'I've shot myself in the f-foot for the last time, and I know it. I can't go to Christian heaven, and I'll never pass as a good Jew. I'm going to hell. And that's probably where I was going all along.'

'Urgh—' Kyle resented that he was actually feeling sorry for Cartman, despite it all. 'So what? You're giving up? Being a better person isn't about the reward you're going to get at the end of it. If nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do.'

Cartman sniffed. 'What?'

Kyle sighed. 'It's called existentialism. The idea that there is no inherent meaning to the universe and your actions are pointless, but that that's precisely why people are good for its own sake. It's like rebelling against an unfair cosmic system."

'But you don't believe that — you follow the Torah.' Cartman sniffed.

'Yeah, but only because it instructs me to be a good person like I was planning to be anyway.' Kyle objected. 'There are bits in the Torah that make no sense at all. Like the story of Job.'

'That's the guy who got boils on his dick because the Devil faked out God, right?'

'Uh, basically.' Kyle sighed. 'Cmon fatass, lets get you to a stomach pump.'

'Does this mean...are we good?' Cartman asked.

'No, we're not good, but I don't hate you any more than usual.' Kyle offered.

A week or two went by. Cartman stopped drinking; Kyle's new project was getting Stan to join AA, and everything seemed back to normal. The only difference was that Cartman was doing well at school still, and was going to Temple of a Saturday. He didn't walk around wearing a Yamulke because he thought that would be sort of false advertising, but he was trying to figure out what he believed in, so listening to the Rabbi every week was sort of therapeutic—at least when he managed to stay awake.

Cartman dreamed. Kyle was riding a horse, wearing armour, brandishing a lance. Instead of his green hat, he wore a knight's visor with a plume, the grill pushed up on his red hair.

'Fair maiden, I will avenge thee.' Kyle's voice was directed up a tall tower, where Stan wore a pointed hat with a veil and fluttered a handkerchief in Kyle's direction.

'Who disturbs my tower?' An ugly green ogre version of Cartman, with cloven feet and a bare chest, popped out from under the most bridge.

'Ew gross. Put a shirt on, Ogre!' Commanded the Knight.

But the ogre jumped up and down on the bridge until it began to give way, crumbling the base of the stone work.

'What are you doing, foul beast? You'll bring the tower down upon us all!' Sir Kyle exclaimed.

His horse leapt the gap, and snatched princess Stan to safety, but Cartman was falling...falling.'

'Nooooooooo, sir Kyle I—Sir Kyle!' Cartman woke up to see a pair of green eyes staring at him.

'You fell asleep in shebat.' Kyle said. It sounded like criticism, but even half-awake Cartman could tell he was surprised Cartman was there. 'Ike says you've been coming every Saturday?'

'Yeah...well...who knows what it takes to make Moses happy better than a Rabbi?'

'In my experience, it's macaroni pictures.' Kyle rolled his eyes.

'What?' Cartman frowned.

'Never mind.' Kyle said quickly. 'You're like, really trying now, aren't you? I mean, to be...better?'

Cartman shrugged. 'Like you said, Kyle, I'm an extensionist now: if nothing you do matters...'

'It's existentialist, dumbass.' Kyle laughed.

'Whatever.'

Kyle paused.

'So...Ive been wondering...are you even genuinely gay, or was that all a load of crap too?'

'Eh, I think I swing both ways. In so much as I care about other human beings at all.' Cartman didn't see how admitting that would adversely affect his already rock-bottom reputation. 'What about you?'

'I like girls...'Kyle said quickly. 'But I was weirded out when I didn't hate what we were getting up to.' Kyle laughed bleakly. 'At the time I was worried I was taking advantage of you— you know, using you for sex when I didn't have genuine feelings for you. Goes to show what a naive dumbass I can be, right?'

Cartman sighed. 'You're not dumb Kyle; you just want to believe in the good in people. And I can be pretty damn sneaky when I want to be.'

'Maybe you were destined to be a Jew after all.' Kyle said wryly.

'Holy shit...did you just make a Jew joke? Who is this new Kyle? I think I'm in love with him.' Cartman quipped.

Kyle stopped. 'But you're not...right? You were faking being into me.'

Cartman blushed and snorted. 'Of course. Duh!'

Kyle's eyes opened wide. 'No...you weren't! That thing you do when you look up to the right—that's your tell! You were lying just now.'

'If you say so, Kyle' Cartman bluffed. 'Sounds a little conceited to me, telling me that I'm in love with you, but whatever you need to believe.'

Kyle gulped. He felt a little giddy, but some of the joy that had been in his life until his trip to Israel had just swept back in. 'Can...can I try something real quick?'

'Uh—sure.' Cartman's heart pounded. After everything that had happened between them, Kyle couldn't be seriously thinking about...taking him back?

'Close your eyes.'

Holy shit, Holy shit, Holy...

And then Kyle kissed him. It was kinda gentle, hesitant, but deepened once Cartman got the nerve up to kiss him back.

After a minoute of solid kissing, Kyle broke away. 'You're really good at that. How are you, of all people, good at that?' Kyle muttered.

'Easy. We have chemistry Kyle.'

It was true; Kyle was feeling that buzz in his solar plexus that he hadn't felt in weeks. Part of him had missed the romantic rapport, and even the preceding rivalry, he'd shared with Cartman. He was cleverer than Stan or Kenny, and creative, and quick with his humour...

'Do you...do you maybe want to go out again, Kyle?' Cartman almost couldn't stop himself from asking. Stupid! He should have let something grow organically, or maybe sucked him off again, to lay the foundations for an actually acknowledged relationship later—

'Maybe, Yeah.' Kyle cut him off mid-internal monologue. 'You kinda got to be a habit, you know—before the Kibutz. I mean, it's going to take a while to build up trust again, but I liked having you around.'

Cartman smiled. 'I liked being around you, too. I even liked...' he flashed an evil look down to Kyle's crotch and back.

'No way, Cartman, we're in fucking Temple! Besides, we need to go slower this time — we're too young for that stuff—'

'Yes Kyle, I totally agree...' Cartman stood up, and ran a hand under Kyle's hat, raking fingers through his hair, and bringing him a step closer so he could kiss the nape of Kyle's neck.'

'Uunh...'

'Kyle—' he breathed into the red-head's ear 'maybe while I work on being a better human, you should try out being more selfish? A decent orgasm every now and then might stop you from being so obnoxiously self-righteous all the time—' he let his teeth scrape over Kyle's neck and saw goosebumps appear.

'Cartman? Let's get out of here.' Kyle breathed.

'Whatever you say, Kyle.' Cartman grinned.

Alexa, add 'Kyle's tasty weiner' to my shopping list.'

'Ew, Cartman!' Kyle blushed.

'Don't be such a homophobe, Kyle.' Cartman winked. 'Haven't I taught you anything?'

Cartman and Kyle were both tucked into Cartman's bed —Cartman in a singlet, Kyle shirtless.

'Aren't you going to ditch the hat?'

'I kinda hate my hair.' Kyle admitted.

'Oh, and you want to look your best for me? So cute'' Cartman mocked. 'I've seen your ginger Jew-fro before, Kyle. And I already know the carpets match the drapes.'

Kyle sighed. 'I know good character is more important than good looks—but I really wish I wasn't ugly.'

Cartman raised his eyebrows. 'You're gonna sit here, and talk to me, about body image issues?'

'You could change your diet and do some exercise and lose some weight if you wanted to.' Kyle sighed. 'There's really nothing you can do about a butter face.'

'You seriously believe you're ugly, don't you?' Cartman boggled.

'No shit. It's not every day the ghost of Abraham Lincoln shows up to give you a pep-talk cause you're a natural paper-bag model.'

'What?!'

Kyle sighed. 'Long story.'

'As much as it pains me to say this, Kyle, this ugly thing you've got going is all in your head. Fuck Lincoln or whoever. You've got a sweet body, and these sharp green eyes, and the hair?'

Kyle looked up.

'Cut it a little shorter on top and you could ditch the hat for good.'

'Really?'

'Really. You're kind of a babe-in-the-making.'

'Dude...Thanks! No one has ever said anything that nice about the way I look before.'

'You always seem like you don't care about superficial shit. Not like Stan who gets sucked in to every new fad.'

'I try not to.' Kyle said 'but that doesn't mean I don't feel the same pulls to be popular or hot that everyone else does. It's hard not caving in.'

'So now that we've got the ego-petting portion of the afternoon over, shall we move on to heavy petting?'

Kyle reached over and pulled off Cartman's hat and then his own. Then he leaned over Cartman and stared into his eyes.

'Ugh, dude, quit staring. You're making me feel weird. Too intimate.' Cartman complained when Kyle wouldn't let himself be lured straight into a makeout session.

'What we're doing is intimate. That should be a good thing.' Kyle told him firmly. 'I should hate you, I should want to get as far away from you as I can, but honestly? I like being close to you. You give me purpose—not just a cause to fight for, but an energy.'

'Kyle, I really like what you're saying and all, but can we quit the speech making portion of this makeout session and make out?' Cartman.

'What So you're bored now? Only want me for my 'sweet body' huh?' Kyle joked.

'Kyle...remember that time I made you eat my farts? It was hilarious. You were so my bitch.' Cartman got the response he was after.

'Really? Remember when I stole your kidney?' Kyle said with an evil grin.

'Oh, it's ooooooooohn!'

The two wrestled to see who would get to be on top. Kyle finally pushed him down and straddled Cartman, slicking him with Vaseline.

'You're sure?'

'Just do it Kyle!' Cartman panted.

Kyle thrust in. It felt different to what he imagined. Tighter. More friction...

'Whooooooa!' Cartman yelled.

Kyle pulled out, exclaiming 'the fuck?' as a giant satellite dish shot out of Kyle's ass.

'Fuck.' Cartman said. 'I forgot that was in there.'

THE END