Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda, wish I did, woe is me.
Anyway, yeah, hilarious OoT story, enjoy.
In a very hazy setting, it appears to be around midnight. A boy clothed in green watches in horror, as the draw bridge lowers, and a green man with red hair, in black comes out chasing after a princess and a woman with white hair on horse back. The girl threw a blue object through the air, smacking the man right on his beak--er--nose. The man screamed, and fell off of his horse, landing in a pile of mud...
Elsewhere...
"Navi the fairy, thou must findest the boy, whose destiny it is to save Hyrule...I haven't much left..." said a large voice. The blue orb scoffed, mumbling, "It's about time for you to kick the bucket." She flew out into the main village...passing random children. "Hi!" shouted one. Navi turned back waving at the girl, when, 'DOINK!' she ran right into the lattice. "OUCH!" she squealed shaking off the pain. She then approached a tree house, and went inside. There was a boy, tossing and turning, as the fairy approached, he threw up his arm, knocking her clear across the room. After recovering, the fairy screamed at the top of her lungs, "THE TREE WANTS TO SEE YOU! GET YOUR LAZY BONES UP!"
The boy jumped out of bed, and looked at the fairy. "How exactly does a tree talk?" asked the boy. "It just does," said Navi rolling her eyes. "Alright, sack of sparkles, take me to the tree." said Link. Navi shot Link a dirty look, and proceeded out the door. By the time they reached the end of the ladder, a stupid little girl with green hair, came up to Link shouting, "Like, Link you like have a fairy! I like always knew one would come to you!" said the girl. Link backed away, and then ran off. He started to go to the path leading to the tree, and was stopped by some freckle faced strawberry. (A/N: I have no room to talk...)
"Hey, how did you get a fairy, butt munch?" asked the boy. "Mido, can it and let me through." replied Link. "Not with out a shield and sword. A wiener like you would last two seconds against a Deku Baba." said Mido. "You could kill it Mido..." Mido struck a heroic pose, "With your ugly face." Mido, got angry, and screamed several, 'colorful' words at Link.
Afterwards, Link, having, his 'oh so wonderful' companion Navi, was directed to the Kokiri Sword...after being flattened out by a boulder a few times...he then went to the Kokiri shoppe and bought a shield, with the money he stole from Mido's underwear drawr. Going back, Mido's eyes nearly popped out of his head, but he managed to keep the shock hidden.
"So, what, you got a shield and sword...once a wimp, always a wimp." said Mido letting our favorite prepubescent hero through. Navi dashed on ahead, waiting anxiously to see if the tree was dead. Sadly, for her, and to the amusement of us, he wasn't. Link and Navi approached the Deku Tree. It began to speak, "Link...some foul malovent force, is descending on our land of Hyrule...an evil lurks inside me, because of it. Dost thou have the courage to remove the foul entity?" Link looked up at the tree, "Uh...no, no I don't." said Link, being the idiot he is.
"Too bad," said the Deku Tree, opening his mouth, inhaling, causing Link to enter his mouth, with Navi right behind. He then shut his mouth, trapping our hero. Link looked around this dugeon for a few minutes before going up the vines. He came upon another set of vines only to see to big skullatulas ready to lash out. Ignoring them completely, the moron climbed the vines, obviously in vain, for the spiders knocked him right back down. He decided to explore the current level. He found a door and opened it, after Navi gave him a most interesting lecture on the art of opening doors. Inside was a little deku scrub, you know, the kind your grandma could kill. Guess what? Your grandma is smarter than Link. Yes, that's right, the creature spat a deku nut right at our favorite idiot's head.
Navi, actaully being helpful for once, yelled at Link, "THE SHIELD YOU IDIOT! THE SHIELD!" Link picked up the shield as he was instructed, this time bouncing the nut right back to the Deku Scrub, making it cry like a young school girl. The bars on the other side of the door opened and Link found a pretty chest with a slingshot in it. He then left, and headed back to the vines, some how having enough sense to kill the skullatulas. He then climbed up to the next level, only to find larger ones. It seemed that these ones however, were stupider than Link. (I know, it sounds impossible, but they are.) They turned around every bit and Link would slash them, finally killing them after a few blows to the abdomen. Then the boy looked down over the ledge and saw the bottom floor. (Wow, wasn't that unpredictable?) He decided the best idea was to jump down, seeing as there was no way up.
When he jumped down, the impact from the fall caused him to break the web and land in a small pool. He found a stick to burn the spider web on the wall and went through. After a series of Deku Scrubs and spider webs, he came open a new enemy, they were dumb little bug with leaves on their head. Link managed to crush them, after being bit several times, and headed onward to find another Deku Scrub, when he slayed this one, it's last dying words were, for my brothers up ahead, kill them in this order, "3...2...1..." Link then went to the next room and took a little moving platform to the opposite side. He then opened the door, and saw the scrub brothers, because he forgot the order, and Navi was too mean to tell him, it took him several attempts to slay the three, but when he did, upon the last's dying breath, he told Link he had to shoot deku seeds at and then stab Queen Gohma, the boss that lay through the passage, then he asked, "Am I a trader?" Link of course answered, "Yup." making the creature use it's last bit of strength to shoot Link in the head with a deku nut. After whining for a half an hour, Link went through the door, the brothers once protected.
The area was hazy, like white smoke was all around him. He examined the room looking all directions, until up on the ceiling, he saw a little dot moving around. The dot dropped, revealing it's true identity, a two inch tall daddy long legs. This was the 'almighty' Queen Gohma. It rawred at him, with an amazing force for something no bigger than a toe. Link picked the creature up, examining it, which including licking it, after a bit of consideration, he came up with this conclusion: "It's a froggy! I'll name you Freddy!" he said dropping it to the ground.
Turns out, Queeny, did not like being called a boy's name. In fact, she rather loathed it. So to show her 'gratitude', she crawled up Link's leg and bit it. A single drop of blood poured down his leg, and before he had time to scream, he was on the floor, purple and paralized. Queen Gohma, proud of her hand work, smiled, which is quite hard for a spider, and climbed back to her resting place on the ceiling.
Navi, rolling her eyes, sqeaked, the way forest fairies do, which was some sort of call, for a few pink fairies came and surounded the motionless 'Kokiri', bringing him back to his orignal state. Queen Gohma, now really mad, hopped back down and hissed and the sack of sparkles. Link screamed, "I HATE YOU FREDDY!" and charged at the little critter, shooting it with a few rounds of deku seeds. Queen Gohma, now on the floor twitching was getting stabbed to death by Link. After it finally died, (Tough little gal, ain't she?) a blue portal and a heart piece popped up, Link grabbed the heart piece, and stepped into the light.
He and Navi appeared before the tree, who was looking grayer than before. It began to speak, "You have suceeded, Link, but I was doomed all along, I have but a short time to live...a desert man put this curse on me...he is trying to take over Hyrule. He is after the triforce, that Din, Nayru, and Farore left us. Link! You musn't let him. Here, take this stone..." he said giving Link a somewhat fake looking emerald, with the gold paint peeling off, "Take it to the princess of destiny. Surely, she will know what to do...Navi, help Link find his way...byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." said the tree before shriveling up and dying. "Score!" whispered Navi, happier than ever.
Exiting this area, Link and Navi, were stopped by Mido. "WHAT HAPPENED! DID YOU KILL THE DEKU TREE! HOW COULD YOU!" screamed Mido, before running away crying. Link laughed at this, and then went onward to the exit of the forest...when he began to cross the bridge, he saw green hair, aka Saria, holding a wooden ocarina or potato flute, whatever you want to call it, "Link...you're going away, aren't you?" asked Saria, already knowing the answer. Link nodded. "Well, I know you have to, because you're different from my friends and I...but, that's okay, because we'll always be friends...right?" Link nodded, even though he was lying, "Here take this," she said shoving the ocarina into his hands. Link, looked at it, then back at Saria, then at it again, then ran off into the tunnel, entering Hyrule field.
He was barely twenty feet along, when he was stopped by a talking owl. "Hoo...hoot! I am a talking, I am a worthless idiot, who is here to waste your time. Hoo...You are the chosen boy...hoot! You go see princess! Blah...blah...words...cheese..." the bird rambled on for ten minutes..."You get that? Hoo!" Link shook his head no, but it was too late when he realized what he had done, ten minutes later, the bird said, "I, Kaepora Gaebora, have finnish! You want it repeated?" Link shook his head and ran off. After running up the hill, it was clear that there was a town on the other side. Link ran and ran until he reached it, but guess what? It turned dark, which made the draw bridge go up. Link stomped the ground in rage.
It began to shake, a skeletal child emerged, and then another. Link nearly wet himself at this site, but then unsheathed his sword, nearly cutting off his ear. He batted at the idiotic creatures, and more would emerged...infact they became larger...Link went through this all night, until the first rooster crowed, and the draw bridge came down, make the creatures return into the ground.
Well, that's the chapter. Longest thing I've ever written. Please review. That'd be great:)