I Know

The funeral had been— what was even the right word? Levi didn't know. He had stood there, the entire time, unyielding and calm. Well, that was from the outside. Because unyielding and calm? He felt nothing like that. It was just a lie, a shitty act; pretending the turmoil within didn't threaten to rip him apart.

Shredding him apart into little pieces.

His eyes flew open, and he lunged up from the bed he had been sitting on, a hand coming up to clasp over his mouth. He felt sick suddenly, saliva quickly filling his mouth.

Shit.

He stumbled across his room until his shoulder hit the wall with a dull thud, and then he stood there, letting the wall support his weight.

He let out a breath, trying to calm his racing heart, trying to let his mind go blank.

But of course, the thoughts wouldn't stop. The feeling of suffocation wouldn't, either.

He tried to take in a deep breath, but it was like his lungs had forgotten how to expand correctly.

Levi shook his head.

He needed to get out. This was not going to work.

Mindlessly, he wandered through the deserted hallways, past closed doors and empty rooms. He kept his gaze resolutely forward. He didn't want to look—didn't want to see, what was not there anymore.

He kept going until his feet came to a stop before a door.

It was her room, and he was not surprised. They always were there for each other. But, he wasn't really sure if she wanted any company right now.

He sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. Maybe he should just go back to his room, there was still paperwork to do and—

"Levi?" And Levi looked aside. Hange was standing a few feet away from him. Tray in her hands. The one eye that was visible was a little red. She must have been crying. His heart squeezed achingly in his chest.

"Hey," he replies. Not really knowing what else to say.

"I've just made tea," and she takes a step forward. "You want a cup?"

"Yeah," he says, voice suddenly going hoarse. "Tea, that would be great."

They sat in silence, drinking their tea, each lost in their own thoughts.

"It was beautiful, wasn't it."

"Huh?" And he looked up from the empty cup he'd been staring into.

"All those flowers, and all those people. She gave a short laugh and shook her head. "Erwin would probably laugh, and say that all that was unnecessary. Would probably be surprised at it too. So many people, paying their last respect."

Levi's head dipped, hair falling into his face. "He never liked fancy shit anyways."

A small moment of silence followed. And Hange studied him, noting the shadows under his eyes that were even darker than normal, the lines of stress that were now more prominent than ever, the black strands of hair falling messily over his forehead, the bowed shoulders strained under an invisible weight.

She winced, and her heart squeezed painfully in her chest.

Ever since their moment of goodbye back there in Shiganshina, they had been so busy, the responsibilities piling up; one after another.

She wanted to ask: are you alright?

Because she had noticed. Of course, she had.

It was in the way he moved, the way his shoulder never seemed to lose their rigid posture anymore. She already got a headache by just looking at all that pent up tension. It wasn't healthy.

And it hurt.

She wanted to ask: can I do something?

But, that was useless, of course, there was nothing she could do to make it better.

However, even if she couldn't do much, she still wanted to make sure that he was alright. Of course, he was not. None of them were really okay, but they were trying. Moving onward was the only thing they could do, after all. Adapting to their new situation, accepting their new roles. It was all they ever did.

But moving onward didn't mean dragging yourself forward while drowning.

Because right now, looking across her, made her feel like suffocating. Like there was just not enough oxygen left in the room. Like her lungs had suddenly forgotten how breathing worked. And she wouldn't have that, she couldn't let that continue. There was no way.

"Hey."

"Mmh?" Levi looked up again and met her gaze.

"It's okay, you know." And she gave him a small smile. "You can talk to me." She waited for a moment, gauging his reaction. He said nothing. "It's okay to cry, too. You can use my shoulder. I don't mind snot and salty tears."

It came out teasingly, but he knew she was serious. And he recoiled.

"Fuck. Hange, don't say unnecessary shit. I'm fucking alright."

She nodded but kept looking at him, one eye searching—for something. And he turned away from her scrutinizing gaze, suddenly feeling hot and uncomfortable.

Why did she sometimes have to say such unnecessary shit? Not that she was wrong. She was usually correct. Even when saying stupid things. And that was the whole fucking problem.

It was the fucking problem that he perhaps indeed wanted to that. Just cry. Say fuck it and just give in. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. Couldn't even remember the last time that had happened. Maybe his tears had dried up, along with the spilled blood of their fallen comrades.

He flinched.

"Tears won't bring them back, Hange." He said eventually, voice soft.

"I know." It was said quietly. "But I'm here for you, you know." And she brushed her fingertips over the bandages covering her injured eye. The wound still ached from time to time, sometimes pulsing hotly in time with her heartbeat. It made her nauseous.

It made her remember.

Levi turned back to face her, finding her gaze. It was bright.

He swallowed around the burning lump in his throat at the sight of the pain that reflected his own.

"I know, Hange." He said. "I know."

I am there for you too, you know that right.

I just read chapter 114 and I need the next chapter like right now D:

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed yet another angsty fic from me.

All the mistakes are mine.