Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. Evangelion belongs to GAINAX, Hideaki Anno, and ADV Films. Should any of these companies/individuals ask, I will remove this story from the web.
"Sleeping Sun"
by CenturyChild533
The edifice of the apartment building shimmered under an orange cascade of light, the evening hours settling upon the city of Tokyo-3 like a warm blanket. It was comforting to know that days such as this one could end, and Hikari Horaki intended to take in as much of that comfort as she could. She adjusted the stack of papers that she was carrying so that she did not drop them and began moving to the elevator that would carry her up the floors of the complex. The brown-haired girl pressed the elevator button with her elbow, waiting somewhat impatiently for the doors to open, tapping her foot irritably.
It had not been a good day for the class rep. Her teacher's boring lectures aside, her classmates were beginning to grate on her nerves with their constant inane bickering. The inconveniences that they had experienced were considerable, she would admit, but the way they carried on about the security measures that had been put in place for the Angel attacks, Hikari was beginning to wonder how many of them really valued the fact that they were still alive. The latest Angel attack had put everyone on edge more than usual, not to mention the absence of the usual three classmates… and the one other that she could not explain.
Shinji Ikari, Asuka Langley Sohryu, and Rei Ayanami were no strangers to school absences. However, Hikari was becoming concerned about one in particular: Touji Suzuhara. It was obvious to everyone that the class representative had more of an interest in the athlete than she cared to admit (although she labored under the blissful delusion of being discreet). His absence had bothered her, and then the Angel attack had come.
Needless to say, Hikari was flustered.
She hoped that by doing what she was doing now, she could find something out about what had happened to Touji. She entered the elevator, pressing the button and ascending toward the apartment of one Shinji Ikari.
While she needed to deliver the young pilot's assignments to him anyway, she had found herself unable to get in contact with Touji since his disappearance two days ago. Hopefully, one of his friends would be able to help. Asking Shinji was killing two birds with one stone, in a sense.
In truth, there was a third motive for her visit: she was worried about Shinji as well. In the time that she had known the boy, he had always been an introvert, rarely speaking with anyone other than his two friends and his fellow pilots. He had spoken to her on occasion, however rare of an occurrence it was, and she felt a duty as class representative to keep up to date on the well being of her fellow students. Yet with Shinji it was a somewhat special case, given that his behavior worried her. Hikari often wondered if Shinji would hurt himself. She was not sure why this thought even came to mind, much less why it affected her so strongly, but she could not help but feel it.
The elevator doors opened, and Hikari stepped out of the transport onto the balcony, taking a small moment to gaze off into the distance at the gradually falling orb on the horizon. She smiled and sighed wistfully. She had always enjoyed sunsets, and this one was beautiful. Such beauty was a welcome reprieve from the chaos that her daily life usually brought. Reluctantly turning away from the picturesque scene before her, the girl headed to the apartment at the end of the hall. She reached for the doorbell, but stopped when she heard something drifting into her ears from a location she could not quite place.
It was music. She was hearing music.
The low, resonating hum of a large stringed instrument flowed through the air, a kind of auditory diffusion taking place as it grew louder, enveloping the area she now occupied. Hikari looked around, concentrating to find the source of the sound. Turning one of her ears upward, she could hear a difference, however slight – it was coming from the roof.
Hikari went to the stairwell, knowing that the elevator would not carry her all the way to the roof. She trudged up the steps, her pace quickening as the music grew louder. She reached the door and looked through the narrow pane of glass. On the far side of the roof near the railing, a young man in a white shirt and black pants sat in a metal folding chair, playing diligently on a cello.
Shinji.
Hikari eased the door open, trying not to alert the young man to her presence, and carefully closed the portal behind her, turning her attention once more to what he was playing. The song was slow and mournful yet sounded carefully repressed, as if the one performing were sealing an emotion deep inside his heart, barely able to contain what could become a powerful force. A show of that power could be heard in the notes, though, filtering through his efforts to contain whatever it was he was trying to hide. One final, resonating tone, and Shinji relaxed. Hikari could tell he was straining; his back was stained with sweat, and, even from where she was, she could hear him breathing deeply.
She clapped her hands softly, yet Shinji still turned around like he had been shot at, almost dropping the instrument in the process. "Class rep! W-W-What are you doing here?"
Hikari chuckled at his awkwardness. "I just came by to deliver the printouts for you and Asuka, but then I heard you up here."
The boy fidgeted, running a hand through his damp brown hair. "How long have you been there?"
"Not very long," Hikari said, walking over to him and setting the printouts down inside the cello case. "I heard some of the song you were playing, though. It was nice."
Even through the orange light of the setting sun, Hikari could see the young man's blush. "T-thank you," he stuttered.
"I didn't know that you played cello, Ikari," the girl pressed on, trying to remain conversational.
Shinji nodded, looking fondly at the instrument. "I don't play as much anymore. But for some reason, right now… it feels comforting."
It was then that Hikari noticed something she had not seen before. Perhaps she had missed it due to the perspiration soaking Shinji's brow and face, but now she saw the redness in his eyes as well.
He had been crying.
"Ikari… are you all right?" she asked, concern trickling into her tone gradually.
Shinji wiped his eyes, knowing she had now noticed. "I'm fine, Horaki. Thank you for asking, though." He sighed, looking out at the sunset.
Knowing that she was not going to get anywhere by furthering this line of questioning, Hikari left that matter where it was. She was determined to find out what was really bothering him, though – such was her way, and it always had been. Perhaps that was why she was good at the class representative job: legitimate concern for others. Hikari changed the subject. "What were you playing just now?"
Shinji looked back at her, as though he had forgotten that she was there. "Oh, it was a song by a foreign band. 'Sleeping Sun.' I've always liked the sound of it."
Hikari nodded. "It's very nice. Did it have words?"
"Yes, but I can't remember them."
"It's fitting, though," Hikari said, looking out to the sunset. "Beautiful music for a beautiful sunset."
Shinji returned his gaze to the sun, nearing the finish of its descent behind the horizon. "That was why I was playing it. Part of the reason, anyway."
Hikari looked at him questioningly, sitting down and hugging her legs. "What was the other part?"
There was a long silence, and Hikari saw tears well up in the boy's eyes for a split second. "I'd… rather not talk about it, if it's all the same to you."
"Are you sure? Sometimes, it isn't good to keep stuff like this inside you. You need to let it out every once in a while."
"I know," Shinji said with a nod, rubbing his eyes and clearing the gathering moisture from them. "Just… maybe I'll tell you some other time, after I've thought everything through."
"Okay," Hikari said, nodding in assent. She could not—and would not—force him to speak. Though she wished he would. It was then that she remembered the other reason she had come. "Ikari, have you seen Touji at all? He's been out of school for two days now."
As if in response to her words, with the final rays of light, Hikari saw a single glistening tear fall from Shinji's eye. As it impacted the ground, the sun set at last, plunging the city into darkness.
"Ikari?"
"It's getting late, Horaki. I'll tell you tomorrow. It's a long story."
"Tomorrow?"
He nodded. "Would you mind… coming back here?" He blushed but continued despite his embarrassment. "I'd really appreciate some company. It gets lonely sometimes."
The girl smiled warmly, replying, "Okay. What time?"
"When the sun starts to set."
She cocked her head questioningly. "Why then?"
A ghost of a smile formed on Shinji's lips, but it was not one of mirth. It was something close to morbid irony, and it was vaguely frightening. "It seemed… right."
Nodding in agreement, Hikari waved and said her goodbyes, moving to the door and down the staircase. She turned to look back, and to her confusion saw Shinji staring at her with what she could have sworn was longing in his empty blue eyes.
( 0 0 0 )
True to her word, the next day, Hikari left her apartment after writing a note to her sisters saying she would be back late that night. It had been bugging her all day, what Shinji had said the previous evening about Touji. It was not so much what he said, though it was unnerving – what had confused and worried her the most was the way in which the boy had spoken. She had only heard the tone once before in her lifetime, and she had fervently wished never to hear it again.
She had found yesterday that the apartment complex, luckily, was not far from her own house, and that made her journey easier and faster (not to mention that she was not carrying a cumbersome stack of papers this time). She rounded the corner and began walking toward the complex, her heart beginning to pound strangely as she contemplated what Shinji would divulge. She was curious about, yet at the same time fearful of, what she would learn.
But nevertheless, she had to know.
Hikari followed the same route that she had yesterday, entering the elevator and savoring the cool air that flowed from the vents. The perpetual summer was something she enjoyed at times, but after a walk it became somewhat unpleasant. The girl inhaled slowly, the fresh air of the cooling unit providing a soothing sensation in her lungs. The doors opened, and she went straight for the stairwell this time, moving up until she came to the door to the roof, which she opened slowly.
Shinji, again, was seated in the metal folding chair playing his cello. Another chair identical to the one Shinji had was set up next to him, in anticipation of her arrival. Hikari recognized the song this time, the same one from yesterday, the one Shinji had called "Sleeping Sun."
I do like that song, Hikari thought to herself as she took in the mournful melody just as she had the day before. I wish I knew what the words were like, though.
She did not say anything as she approached, merely taking a seat in the empty chair as Shinji played the final notes of the song. When he finished, he looked at her with an expression that Hikari could only describe as pitiable. It was almost impossible to determine which emotion it was meant to represent, a jumble of feelings that could not be showed outwardly. The chaos that was Shinji's heart was trying to force itself into the outside world, but either it could not fully manifest or the young man was not letting it.
At last, he spoke, his face becoming a polite smile. A mask, Hikari could see. "H-Hello, Horaki." He spoke with hesitance, as though the conversation was not one he wanted to begin.
This did not bode well for Hikari, who chose to make some polite conversation before coming to her point. "How have you been, Ikari?"
The brown-haired boy sighed, attempting to free himself of some of the tension that was gripping his heart. "I'm… fine. Thank you for asking."
"You don't sound fine, Ikari," Hikari said, moving into her 'class-rep mode.'
At last, Shinji's smile faltered, giving way to a blank expression. "I guess I'm not… who would be?"
The girl looked at him quizzically. "What do you mean?"
Shinji sighed again, the nervousness beginning to cause his chest to seize up. To his credit, Shinji did not run, denying his usual impulse to flee from an awkward and potentially destructive situation. I'm done running, he thought.
"Horaki… Touji is… gone."
The finality of his tone gave his meaning the utmost clarity. Hikari gaped, putting a hand to her mouth in shock. "H-how… how did he…"
"I'm sorry, Horaki. I'm so sorry…" Failing in his attempt to disguise his fear and shame, Shinji let tears flow from his eyes. It was odd, though, the way he cried. There was no sniffling, no outward sobbing. It was a simple, clean thing, the tiny droplets of water falling like rain from his cobalt eyes.
"H-how did this happen?" Hikari asked, trying to cope with the distress that the news had caused her.
Shinji blinked back a cascade of teardrops and told the tale.
( 0 0 0 )
"That… that's the target?"
Shinji took a deep breath of LCL, the bloodlike reek filling his nostrils as he stared at the view screen in disbelief. It seemed unreal, even incomprehensible, that the form silhouetted by the rays of the dying sun could be the Thirteenth Angel. How could it have happened? How did they expect him to deal with this?
How could he hope to fight another Eva?
"The target has been reclassified as the Thirteenth Angel. You will dispatch and eliminate the target," he heard his father, Gendo Ikari, say over the communication system.
"But…Touji's in there," Shinji said, remembering back to a few days before when his classmate had given him the news.
"The Fourth Child's status is irrelevant," Gendo replied coldly. "Destroy the target, Third Child. That's an order."
The distinctive form of Evangelion Unit 03 continued to march down the hill toward the stalwart Unit 01, its pace never slowing or diverging. As it moved, Shinji could see a white cylinder protruding from the black monster's spinal column, held fast by an odd web like substance over the hatch.
"The Entry Plug," Shinji said aloud. "Touji is in there."
Abruptly, before anyone could react, the black monster lunged to the side, passing Unit 01 completely and contacting Unit 02, knocking the red Eva backward into the hillside and slamming a mammoth armored fist into Unit 02's skull. Shinji heard Asuka scream in surprise, and then in pain, and the signal went dead.
"Unit 02 has gone silent, the pilot's unconscious," one of the technicians said.
"Rei," Shinji heard his father say, "move in for intercept, but avoid close combat. Unit 01 will provide support."
"Yes, sir," Rei said, leveling the massive sniper rifle that Unit 00 was carrying, firing off two shells that contacted the possessed Eva's armor, glancing off but leaving good-sized scratches in the protective covering. Unit 03 turned, its open mouth grinning ferociously at its cycloptic counterpart. Unit 03 dropped to a crouch, pushing off from one leg and catapulting itself into the air. It dropped, plowing its feet into Unit 00's chest and knocking it to the ground, grabbing its arm and forcing the blue Eva into a lock. Shinji watched, paralyzed, as a form of pink ooze dripped from Unit 03's arm and seeped into 00's shoulder joint.
"Infiltration of Unit 00 beginning," a technician said.
"Sever the arm immediately," Gendo said, his harsh tone unfailing.
"But sir, the nerve connections are still…"
"That's an order," Gendo snapped. "Do as you're told."
A moment later, a small explosion ruptured the flesh and metal of Unit 00's left arm, blowing the limb off of the body. Purple blood spattered from the wound, and Shinji heard Rei's whimpers of pain over the communication channel.
Unit 03 then turned to Unit 01.
"The target is now approaching you, Unit 01. You must destroy it."
"But Touji's inside that thing!"
"I told you before, the Fourth Child's life is of no consequence. Destroy the target by any means necessary. That's a direct order."
Before Shinji had a chance to reply, the black mecha's arms shot out, stretching obscenely far until the hands wrapped around Unit 01's throat, swinging wildly and throwing the purple mecha to the ground. Once more the black beast leapt, its feet landing in Unit 01's face. Shinji, unprepared for the assault, was knocked backward as Unit 03 rebounded, back-flipping and landing in a spider-like crouch on the ground.
"Damn it," Shinji gasped, trying to recover his breath.
Lashing out with another attack, Unit 03 stretched its arms again and once more began to strangle Unit 01. This time, however, the beast lunged as it attacked, knocking Unit 01 backward until it fell down on the hillside. Shinji could barely breathe.
"Why don't you fight back?" he heard his father ask him over the intercom.
"Because… I can't risk… hurting… Touji…" Shinji gasped in between feeble breaths. Too much more of this abuse, and he would suffocate.
Suddenly, the entire Entry Plug darkened, the green emergency lights coming on and shifting to red. Shinji heard a whirring noise behind him and turned in his seat to find the source.
A box sat behind the Entry Plug, a collection of wires connecting it to the pilot seat. On the side was a line of text.
Dummy System Prototype: Ayanami, Rei.
"What the hell…" Shinji thought. The screens came back up, and he was again treated to a view of the monstrous face of Eva Unit 03.
And then Unit 01 began to move.
"What? I'm not…" Unit 01's arms reached up slowly, fighting against the crushing force of the Angel's death grip, and then wrapped its own hands around the black Eva's throat.
"No!" Shinji cried out, watching in horror as the purple monster squeezed, Unit 03's head lolling as it struggled to break free. There was a sickening crunch of bone and metal as the creature's neck snapped, and the arms restraining Unit 01 fell limp.
"Oh no… Touji! No! Stop it! Stop this, Father!"
His cries were in vain, and he screamed as Unit 01 flipped the creature over, slamming it into the hillside and jamming its fists into the possessed Eva's stomach multiple times. Popping and crunching resounded as the Eva's organs and armor plating caved in like cheap Styrofoam under the sheer brute strength of Unit 01's vicious attacks. A spatter of blood shot through the air, showering Unit 01 in red liquid. Still the monster persisted, until Eva Unit 03 had been reduced to little more than a bloody pulp and a few scattered pieces of armor plating.
But the purple Eva did not stop there. As a final measure, it snatched up one of the last discernable objects from the red mess: the Entry Plug.
"Oh God… no… no… no…"
Unit 01 squeezed its fist. There was an eruption of yellow liquid and a wrenching of metal.
And a scream. But it did not come from the one inside the crushed Plug.
It came from Shinji.
( 0 0 0 )
Finally, there was a silence between Hikari and Shinji, and the boy drew in a deep breath, releasing it slowly and looking away from the girl beside him. Hikari had barely breathed all throughout the recollection, and she now found herself inhaling a deep lungful of air to compensate. The shock of it all was overwhelming; she felt dizzy, her addled thoughts slowly coming into focus as she forced herself to adjust.
Touji… she thought, a twinge of pain shooting through her chest at the thought of the boy. Hadn't it been only a few days ago that she had spoken with him, offered to bring him lunch? It seemed like a lifetime ago.
"I'm so sorry, Horaki," Shinji murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. "I can't… I know it's not enough, it's not worth anything, but… I'm sorry for what I did… or… more like what I didn't do."
Hikari snapped herself back to reality, cutting the musing short. Shinji was staring out into the distance, apparently focusing on something that Hikari could not see – or perhaps it was nothing at all? Was he simply trying to distance himself from his own thoughts? She couldn't be sure.
"Why?"
"I couldn't fight, Hikari, I…"
"No," she said, cutting him off. "I meant… why are you sorry?"
This was the last thing that Shinji had expected from her. He had fully expected Hikari to slap him and leave without another word, and then he would never be able to look her in the eyes again. But the tone she used was not one of malice, as he had been bracing for. No, there was something else behind her words: compassion. But why?
"Because… I was weak. If I had tried to fight, I could have saved him. Maybe… I don't know…"
Hikari tried her best to choose the right words. "I know how you must feel. It has to be awful… I'm sorry you have to go through this."
"But… what about you? I mean, you liked Touji, didn't you?"
Any other day, the class rep would have been embarrassed by this inquiry, but now she simply nodded. "I did. But losing a close friend is one thing. Being forced to make the kind of decision you did… I think you have the worst end of that."
Shinji bowed his head. "I still think…"
"Maybe you could have saved him. Who knows? But… no matter what, the damage has been done. And I can't blame you for what happened. I just can't."
Hikari was surprised by her words. Inwardly, she wanted to scream, to cry, and to throttle all those who had a hand in Touji's death. Yet somehow, she could not find it in her heart to be angry with the young man in front of her, now looking into her eyes with an expression of fearful confusion. He was in pain, it was obvious. More pain than she could ever imagine being in.
Shinji spoke again, a single tear falling slowly from his cheek. "Thank you for… understanding."
Hikari smiled. "Shinji," she said, using his given name for the first time, "don't trouble over this. It hurts, yes, but… in the end, it will be worth it. As my father says, 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…'"
To her surprise, Shinji finished the adage. "… 'Or the one.'"
"Did someone you know say that?"
He nodded, a frown crossing his lips. "My father said it, too."
( 0 0 0 )
Hikari sat awake in bed that night, staring at her ceiling with a bemused expression on her face. She felt odd, conflicting senses spinning around like mad bees in her brain. On the one hand, her heart was in a sense of turmoil, the news of Touji's death finally starting to sink in. Physically, though, she felt comfort – a warm blanket, comfortable pajamas, and the taste of a good amount of chocolate still fresh in her mouth.
Now, though, as she sat in her bed, she was forced to return to her thoughts. I don't know what to think. I'm sad that Touji's gone, but… what am I supposed to do about it? In truth, Hikari had no idea. She wanted to cry, but for some strange reason, the tears wouldn't come. Why can't I cry? I want to so badly, but I just can't.
She sat up, resigning herself to the fact that she would not be getting any sleep that night, and she rose from the bed, walking downstairs. As she descended the staircase, she glanced at the clock that was hanging from the wall. It was nearing the early hours of the morning. I might as well cook something, Hikari thought as she stepped off the last stair and headed toward the kitchen. Hikari was good at cooking, and it was a distraction that she desperately needed.
An unforeseen effect of this was the memory of making the lunch for Touji, even though he'd never gotten the chance to eat it. She pushed it to the back of her mind, though, and continued gathering the ingredients she needed to make breakfast.
Hikari heard footsteps behind her, turning to find her older sister Kodama leaning on the doorframe, rubbing her eyes tiredly.
"I'm sorry," Hikari said, "did I wake you?"
Kodama shook her heard. "Nah, I needed to get up early, actually. Work."
Hikari nodded. "I'm just… making some breakfast…"
"Something wrong, kiddo?" Kodama asked, a bit of sisterly concern infiltrating her voice.
"I don't really know…"
Kodama huffed slightly. "You know, when you say stuff like that, it just lets people know there is something wrong." She smiled knowingly.
Hikari nodded, the forced smile fading from her face. "Someone close to me… was killed during the last attack. I just found out yesterday."
Kodama moved toward Hikari, giving her a comforting hug. "I'm sorry. Do you mind if I ask who it was?"
Hikari shook her head. "It was… Suzuhara."
"Touji?" Kodama's eyes widened. "That was the guy you liked, wasn't it?
Hikari chuckled mirthlessly. "Was it really that obvious?"
"Kind of."
Hikari nodded. "Yes, that was him. A friend told me yesterday, and… well, I guess it just took till now to register."
Kodama looked at her sister, the concern she felt for her younger sibling evident on her face. "Is there anything I can do?"
Hikari sighed. "Yeah… eat the breakfast I'm about to cook."
Kodama smiled at Hikari's attempt to diverge from the painful subject. "Listen, sis, if you ever want to talk about stuff like this, or anything for that matter, you know you can come to me, right? I promise I won't tease you."
Hikari nodded again, beginning to start up the meal. "I know. Thanks Kodama."
"No problem." With that, the older girl left the kitchen and ascended the staircase to her room to get dressed.
Hikari stayed behind, knowing that since it was now Saturday, she had nowhere to go in particular unless someone called and requested her presence. The one thing she did want to do, however, was to return to the apartment complex and meet Shinji. She knew he would be there, both because he had told her and because the boy had taken the perch every day since she had spoken to him up there for the first time. As she began whipping up the eggs, it occurred to Hikari that while she was feeling a variety of emotions at the moment, there was one that was more unusual than the rest, one that stuck out from the tangle of pain and despair.
Hope.
But hope for what? How could she be hopeful at a time like this? What was there to be hopeful about? Hikari did not question it, however; she felt that any excuse to feel a positive sensation like hope was a good one. It was still a curious thing, though, that after finding out about the death of a friend, the girl could feel hope.
An unbidden image of Shinji appeared in her mind.
Hikari looked out the window above her sink, and watched the sun starting to peek over the horizon. I think I like sunsets… better than sunrises.
( 0 0 0 )
The same ritual had transpired for the past two days. Hikari left her home at about the same time as she had the day before, taking the walk to the apartment complex where she knew that Shinji would be waiting for her, his cello already pouring forth some melody. And it started the same way, with the ballad of the sleeping sun. Hikari had thought about the song quite a bit since then and was beginning to wonder what sort of metaphorical connection that the young man had to the song. Perhaps that would be the subject of one of their discussions – at least, she hoped so. It was obvious to her that Shinji was in pain, more than he was willing to show openly, and the fact that he was concealing his emotions made the girl sad. Granted, part of this was due to her job as class representative, and she had attributed this feeling she had to that sole factor. But now, it seemed like there was something else, something deeper that made her feel that way.
Yesterday, Hikari had seen such anguish in his eyes, such pain, that she had now placed his recovery over her own. I miss Touji… but Shinji needs someone right now. A shoulder to cry on, at the very least.
Whether the young Ikari would accept this was the main reason for her visit today.
As she had done twice before, Hikari ascended first the elevator then the stairs to the roof, opening the door and standing behind Shinji, who was, as she had predicted, playing "Sleeping Sun" on his cello. For a moment, Hikari's mind kicked into overdrive, her imagination spilling out into the material plane. She saw Shinji in a black suit with tails, sitting in his metal chair upon an enormous stage, the hot lights casting the cellist into brilliant illumination.
But all the seats in the audience were empty.
Hikari took her own seat, remedying that problem. Shinji stopped playing, looking at the girl with a thankful expression. It was as if she had brought comfort with her mere presence, a solace from the pain that the young man was burdened with. "Hello, Hikari."
Hikari smiled at the mildly affectionate tone in his voice. It was interesting, she noticed, how comfortable he had become with using her first name and how she had seen fit to start using his. Perhaps it was that, inadvertently, their friendship was now more than the simple thing that it had been before. They now shared a burden, shared the pain of a lost companion. And in that, hopefully, they would find solace.
Solace, Hikari thought. Sol. The sun.
She smiled.
"Hello, Shinji."
"How have you been? I've been… kinda worried."
"Worried? About me?" Hikari was rather surprised and flattered by this. In the midst of everything he had been going through, he had worried about her, been concerned for her wellbeing above his own.
Sounds like someone else we know, Hikari thought, her mind wandering back to her earlier train of thought. "I'm fine. Actually, I was more concerned about you. How have you been feeling?"
"I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you."
Something about the way he said that sent a shiver down Hikari's spine. "W-What do you mean, Shinji?"
"I shouldn't even be here, you know. I'm only here because Touji died. If I had fought before they switched over to the Dummy System, I might have been able to defeat the Angel and save him. But… I didn't. He died, and I survived. I traded his flesh and blood for my own, and that's the only reason I'm still alive."
"But…" Hikari tried to speak but could not form the words. In her heart, despite how much she hated the repercussions of this fact, it was just that: fact. It was undeniable. "But…"
"Can I be honest with you, Hikari?"
"Of course… you can tell me anything, you know that."
Shinji sighed, leaning against the rail and looking out into the distance, focusing on the sunset as he always did when he was deep in thought. "Right now… I feel like I want to die."
Her eyes widened, but Shinji continued nonetheless. "I hate myself for my inaction. That foolish hesitance that got my friend killed."
"Shinji, you shouldn't…"
He interrupted and continued. "But… as much as I hate myself now, as much as I may want to throw myself off of this building… I know that I can't. Because it would be a waste. Like I said before, I traded Touji's life for mine. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't throw that away. As much as I may want to die, I have to keep on living, to make the best use of the life that shouldn't be mine." He sighed. "It's a horrible feeling. I can't stand it."
Hikari stood from her chair, going to stand next to Shinji. "I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do. No one should have to feel this way. No matter what they've done, no one deserves this. Especially not you."
Shinji looked at her, mild surprise on his visage. "What do you mean?"
"You're a great guy, Shinji, whether you want to admit it or not. You're kind, caring, and gentle. Very few people are like that anymore. I don't see very many of them, so… I know I must have been lucky to know you."
Shinji smiled. "Thank you, Hikari. That… really means a lot."
Hikari looked into Shinji's eyes for a minute, and then slowly approached him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder. Shinji froze, startled by the uncharacteristically aggressive maneuver. "What are you…?"
She shushed him quietly. "We both need this right now."
It felt awkward for Shinji, being so close to Hikari. Mostly, it was because of his inexperience with close contact, especially with the opposite sex. But a part of his brain was screaming at him, the part that remembered her affection for Touji. Is this… wrong, what we're doing? Once he adjusted to the strange feeling, though, it felt comfortable, and he slipped an arm around Hikari's shoulders, cradling the girl gingerly. She sighed, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
This is… nice, Hikari thought. I wish I had done this yesterday. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so bad.
"Hikari?"
She craned her head to look at him. "Yes, Shinji?"
"Thank you. For… everything."
"You're welcome."
They sat together like that for the remainder of the evening, simply watching the sunset. When it did finally fall behind the horizon, the light disappearing and darkness prevailing over the city, Hikari hugged Shinji one final time and went home.
Shinji, however, did not go inside yet. He picked his cello up once more and began to play. Not the usual song, but something different. Something more lively, to match the newfound happiness he was just beginning to feel.
( 0 0 0 )
Twenty-four hours came and went, the sun following its usual cycle and bringing about the sunset once more. Hikari stepped out of her house, taking an extra moment to inhale a deep breath of fresh air. She felt like she had been cooped up all day, spending her time with her sisters as she always did on Sundays. She did not think of it as a chore, but she could not help but feel somewhat constrained as the sunset approached, hoping that she would not be late to see Shinji. When this act had become a priority, she did not know, but now it seemed as though she had to be there.
As she stepped down the stairs and onto the sidewalk, taking her normal route to Shinji's apartment building, an unbidden train of thought passed through the recesses of her mind, its effects echoing and resonating until the thought came to the forefront of her mind's eye, occupying all of her senses. It was a memory, of sorts – altered, strangely, from what had actually occurred. She remembered yesterday, being held by Shinji, and how the strange blending of sensations had coursed through her veins at his touch. What's going on? Hikari thought. I've never thought about anyone this way, not even… Touji…
The answer hit her like a speeding bus. She froze, the epiphany manifesting fully.
No… no way… Could I…?
It was so painfully obvious, and yet in all of her jumbled emotions this was the one that she had not taken the time to contemplate. Why would she gloss over this? Was it because the boy that she had pined for had just died? At first she had thought it odd, her feelings changing so abruptly, but the fact that Touji had barely given her a second glance was enough to make her think otherwise. Perhaps it was a subconscious aversion to the one who had ended Touji's life. All of a sudden, Hikari felt disgusted with herself for thinking that way, even if it was not of her own volition. He's a great person, I know that. Why would I try to keep my distance from him, even if he did kill Touji? I even forgave him already!
Issuing a sharp mental kick to her subconscious mind, Hikari started running and did not stop until she reached the apartments.
I've got to tell him, she thought as she pushed the elevator button, stamping her foot impatiently as she waited for the device to reach the floor. I've got to try and fix this. To try and fix both of us.
She remembered her words from the previous evening. "We both need this right now."
I guess I didn't know how right I was.
The doors opened, and the girl flung herself into the elevator, frantically pressing the button to take her to the top floor and then hitting the button to close the doors. She waited, apprehension beginning to take hold of her now that she was nearing her objective. What if he doesn't feel this way? What if he wants to be alone?
I can't let him be alone now. I just can't. It wouldn't be right.
Once again, the elevator opened, and Hikari exited so fast that she almost fell, barely managing to stabilize herself before taking off like a bullet toward the staircase, flinging the door open… and her eyes widening in disbelief.
Shinji was not there.
What? He's always here at this time… She began panicking. Her courage was raised now; if she didn't speak her mind today, she might not have another chance.
She heard the door open behind her, and she whipped around to see Shinji carrying the usual pair of folding chairs. "Oh, hello, Hikari. You're early, aren't you?"
Remembering that she was, in fact, wearing a timepiece, Hikari looked at her wrist. I am early, aren't I? She had cut the time short by running. "God, I'm an idiot. I was worried you weren't going to be here," she panted, her breathing heavy, fast, and labored.
Shinji looked at the girl oddly. "Is something wrong, Hikari? You seem a little… off, I guess."
"Yes, actually… there is something wrong."
His eyes immediately filled with concern. "What is it?"
Time seemed to slow down. Hikari moved forward, quicker than she had anticipated, and wrapped Shinji into a desperate embrace. "I missed you."
"You… missed me? Why?"
"I didn't know why, until now. Now I understand everything." Hikari brought herself up, standing on her toes until she was close enough to Shinji's ear to whisper.
"I… I like you a lot, Shinji. I… I think I might be… falling for you."
She returned to the ground, a violent blush on her cheeks. It was not normal for her to be so forward, to speak her emotions so openly. It was this reserved nature that had prevented her from being with Touji while he was alive. Now, she felt as though she had to speak her mind, lest something happen that would prevent her from doing so later.
"You… like me, Hikari?"
The girl nodded, unable to rid herself of the blush even despite her newfound confidence. Some things did not change as easily as others.
"I… I don't know what to say," Shinji said, averting his eyes from the girl in front of him, suddenly finding his shoes quite interesting.
You can't run from this, Shinji, he thought to himself, his hands clenching up into determined fists. You've run enough. This is one thing you can't run from, because your heart follows you no matter where you go.
Shinji inhaled a deep breath of air, exhaling it slowly. "You know… I never did tell you the other reason I played the song 'Sleeping Sun.'" As he spoke, he walked to the side, leaning against the railing. Hikari followed.
"It was because… I saw the song as metaphorical." Hikari prided herself on being correct in that regard and paid attention with curiosity as Shinji continued. "Sunsets… The Egyptians believed that the sun was a god, Ra. When the sun rose in the morning, Ra was born, and as it sailed across the sky, he lived. When the sun set, Ra died, only to be reborn and rise again the next day."
He sighed, trying to form his thoughts and keep his courage. "If the sun didn't rise… what would it be like?"
Hikari looked at him pleadingly, beginning to wonder where all this was going.
"I told you yesterday that I wanted to die. I played that song because it gave me a sense of feeling; it was me looking forward to dying. I'd been in the sky for so long that I hadn't yet fallen. I just wanted to sleep and not wake up again."
Shinji turned and faced Hikari. "Now… I don't feel that way anymore." He smiled. "I… I like you, Hikari. Maybe even more than that."
"Are you… saying that…?"
He nodded. "I love you," he whispered, so faint that she could barely hear him. But she did hear him, and she hugged him again as she had done the day before, a tear of joy trickling down her cheek.
"I love you too, Shinji."
Shinji turned to look at her, asking her a silent question. She nodded, knowing what he was thinking by the faint glimmer of desire in the depths of his cobalt eyes. He lowered his head nervously, inching closer to her face. Hikari moved in as well, and their lips met softly, awkwardly. It was the first fumbling kiss, a beginning of something greater. Hikari sighed into the kiss, her worries and cares leaving her for the briefest of moments, and she basked in the feel of his lips on hers, his arms wrapped tightly around her, holding her like his very life depended upon it. There'll be plenty of time to practice, Hikari thought, a smile crossing her face as the kiss broke and the sun set in the distance.
The sun had gone to sleep at last, as had the old ways of two people. No more would they be hesitant, no longer would they allow anything good to pass by. They would hold onto each moment like it was the last and make the best of every second that they lived and spent together.
Shinji smiled, comfortable in the knowledge that the song he had played would now take on a new meaning.
Author's Notes: The song "Sleeping Sun" is, in fact, a real song by Nightwish. As I am not allowed to post the lyrics here, I highly recommend you pay a visit to the Nightwish website to read the lyrics. It's a gorgeous song and really sets the mood in a lot of the places in here. If you get a chance to listen to it, take it. You'll thank me.
Prereading credit goes to That Other Guy and Scout, as always. Thanks a million.