A/N: OK well, I had waaaaaay too much free time in the summerholidays, and came up with this ridiculous idea, so I thought I'd post this. I have a second fic I started "Finding Blair" which will probs be angst/dark and has a real plot, this one is nothing serious and is a very uncomplicated, but in my opinion pretty funny fic. I will only update ONE of the fics, so comment on the fic YOU WANT me to continue, the other will be deleted or just not looked at anymore. well for a long period of time anyways. So don't forget to review!
Disclaimer: OK, everybody knows who Harry Potter belongs to, and NO, I'm not J.K Rowling in disguise. I don't own anything and the content has no copyright bla bla bla bla etc. The only thing that belongs to me is the plot and OC Mr. Tisdale from Gryffindor. And I don't own the title either, seeing that it's the title of a song that (of course) doesn't belong to me either. Oh gosh, why am I even bothering to write a disclaimer? All in all, I make no profit, I am a poor student and NOTHING belongs to me.
Hermione could not have been more confused about last night's dream. She had dreamt of a fat, grinning baby with wings who called himself 'Cupid'.
Cupid? Gosh that kid had nerves, calling himself Mr. Amore more or less. Honestly, he had to be really full of himself. How disgusting…
After that strange dream she had woken up to the sound of her annoying muggle alarm.
Sleepily she yawned and stretched herself, until she saw IT. The arrows and bow of that creepy baby.
Now, you couldn't really call it stealing, Hermione preferred the term 'borrowing' better.
She had always been absolutely hopeless in aiming, but she was counting on her lucky stars to get it right this time. If she actually hit Ron, she should be laid within this week. Hermione smirked, how perverted of her. She was just as bad as the boys in her school, such a horny kid.
Setting of to the Great Hall, skipping as merrily as if her Christmas present had come early, she went to look for Ron.
"Good morning Hermione, why are you looking so smug today?", Ginny asked as she joined Hermione.
"Oh my god, Ginny you would believe me even if I told you! You see I had this really weird dream about this really ugly mutant baby with wings that cold it self Cupid. I can't really remember much of it anyway. All I know is, I wake up and what do I see? That kid's archery set on my bedroom floor. I know kind of creepy, but I mean who cares? I'm just gonna take my chance and shoot at your brother. If this works I'll be shagged within a minute."
"Let me see!"
"Later Gin."
"No NOW! Give me the damn bow and arrows."
"NO! Let go Ginny!"
And as they pulled and tugged at the set, they seemed to have, fired the arrow without noticing.
And when they did, it was too late anyway.
Instead of hitting Ron, the arrow now stuck in the middle of Draco Effin' Malfoy's ass.
"Well well well, my lovely mudblood friend has shot me down with Cupid's arrows, I know you've always been secretly lusting for me, but no need to get all desperate and brutal", Malfoy smirked as they were being interrogated by Dumbledore.
The Headmaster had told them it was indeed Cupid's arrows that had been shot.
"Oh the almighty pureblood has spoken. He has it all figured out, how could I have ever lived with the knowledge that you'd never bone me? So of course I shot you down on purpose", Hermione replied sarcastically.
"Ahem", Dumbledore interrupted them rather awkwardly.
"The problem is, once a person is shot, he/she will slowly develop love for the person who shot it. And as I have had lots of witnesses in the Great Hall, we can be sure that Miss Granger is responsible. That means Mr Malfoy, you will learn to love her in a short period of time. And as for you Miss Granger, you MUST love him, or else he would die of heartbreak. Usually this kind of love lasts their entire lives, but I'll make sure to contact Cupid and see if he can help. In the meantime I want you two to start spending time together, in case Malfoy might really not be helpable."
Hermione could not believe her ears. Did Dumbledore just tell her, that she might have to spend her entire life with that git?
"But sir, why can't we just leave him to drop dead? I'd even volunteer to hide his body…"
She was already going through all kinds of possibilities to get rid of his corpse.
"No Miss Granger, you shot at him and now you will have to deal with consequences. Good day."
And with that the conversation was over and so was Hermione's life.
"So honey pop, I guess we'll be sticking around together for a while now… unfortunately", Malfoy was already getting on her freaking nerves, NOW.
What was she going to do if she really had to look at his stupid face with his mean smirk for years?
She had thought that since this was her 7th year, nothing could possibly go wrong. The war had ended, they held victory and she would probably never see Malfoy again. But no, that fucked up baby just had to leave his arrows in her room, so they she would be tempted into doing stupid things.
"Oh don't worry sweetie, I'll stab you to death when you're asleep. I even promise to make it as quick and painless as possible. I'll aim straight for the heart, assuming you have one in the first place."
"Jeesh Granger, you're gonna sneak into my room in the middle of the night? How stalker-ish of you."
"Just shut your mouth ferret boy, or will I have to shut it for you?"
"Sugar plum, you would not believe how impressed I am right now by your extremely creative and witty comeback. My love has grown for you. It's now about the amount of a needle head. Oh wait cross that out. I don't think our relationship is that far yet. Well I'll be seeing you my dear." And with that Draco Malfoy stalked off smirking.
Next class was Potions with Snape, her all time favourite teacher and to make it even better, the class was with the Slytherins.
Today the dungeons were unusually warm, hot even. Hermione sat there next to harry fanning herself with her homework assignment when Malfoy walked in.
"Oh I see it's hot in here for you Granger. Shall I leave?"
"Malfoy darling, that joke is so old and lame, go buy yourself a joke book. EPIC FAIL. But now that you're here you might as well stand right next to me to cool me off. If there were a word called un-hot-ness, as in not good-looking, I'd bet the synonym would be Draco Malfoy."
"Oh yeah?", Malfoy raised up an eyebrow and had a mischievous smile.
"What about 'this'?", he then asked.
Hermione was about to ask what he meant with 'this', but when Malfoy suddenly took off his shirt, Hermione definitely knew what he had meant.
'This' was ferret-face's amazing, and when she meant amazing, really bloody amazing body. It was THE body all the guys wished they had, THE body all the girls dreamt about. Lean, but still muscular, perfect smooth skin, nice abs, broad shoulder… although he was a bit on the pale side…
All the girls had started staring at him with adoration in their eyes, while the guys all grunted and snide remarks like: "My abs is better." "Honestly Malfoy, stop showing off." And Hermione's personal favourite: "Go to the tanning bed Malfoy, you really need it, you look like a piece of cheese!" could be heard.
But the girls, they were practically drooling. Even Hermione had saliva at the corner of her mouth, but she was able to snap out of it soon.
"I knew you'd like what you see Granger, you have great taste in men. I bet you shot that darn arrow on purpose, me likey when you're so evil Granger. Turns me on", he smirked his stupid-ass arrogant smirk and Hermione wanted to punch him in the face.
(Un)fortunately Snape walked into the room like on cue. He took look at Malfoy.
"20 points to Slytherin and 15 from Gryffindor."
Someone made the mistake of asking why.
"Because Mr Tisdale. It's important to encourage students to keep themselves in form, and clearly Slytherin is in top form, while Gryffindors look like useless fat slobs in comparison.
Wait, did his own godfather just check him out? Ok this was getting seriously creepy and awkward so Draco put on his shirt again much to the disappointment of Snape.
The school didn't need another paedophile after Flitwick in his first year. That perverted gnome had 'accidently' smacked him on his ass.
"Oh I am terribly sorry Mr Malfoy", he had said.
Sure thing prof, I'm sure your hands just slipped out of your pocket.
"Today we'll be doing a little competition. Slytherins against Gryffindors. The first house to get the Veritaserum right will be awarded with 50 points."
The Gryffindors groaned out loud. It would be a miracle if they did win, because whatever they did, they would be disqualified anyway. Snape simply just wouldn't let the Slytherins lose.
It was already unusual that he didn't declare that the 'losing house' would be punished. Translation: Haha Gryffindors I love makinf your lives a living hell.
He was in an unusually good mood, had to do something with Malfoy baring his upper body at the beginning of class. Disgusting old pervert…
Of course the Slytherins won and they were allowed to keep their Veritaserum too.
"Maybe I should become a hermaphrodite too Malfoy and start showing off my chest to gross teachers. I'm sure I could actually really become Snape's favourite student than", Hermione said to Malfoy as she passed him at the doorway.
"Don't worry Granger, you already are a hermaphrodite, you just gotta work on your abs. Looks like someone's been eating a lot recently", he said as he poked at her stomach.
"Shut the fuck up. It's really pathetic to stoop so low as in to comment on a girl's weight", she sounded really offended and Malfoy actually felt a bit guilty.
"Oh Granger, just take a dildo and suck it up. It was just a joke."
"Haha you're so funny. Whatever would I ever do without your annoying presence to cheer me up everyday?", she asked sarcastically.
"I don't know, die of boredom? Come on, I make your life interesting. Admit it."
"My life's very interesting, without you interfering, thank you very much sweetie pie."
"Sure muffin. Dreaming about being shagged till you can't walk for a month must be very interesting. Ever gotten laid Granger? I bet not."
"Shut up Malfoy, it's not a concern of yours."
"It will be, when I'll be forced into loving you. You will not be able to resist my sheer animalistic magnetism."
"Yeah sure, animalistic magnetism as in: You look like a bouncing ferret?"
"Sure Granger, if you're into all that bouncing…"
The perverted way he said it, was made very clear about exactly what he was thinking right now.
"Git, whatever you say, it'll never happen anyway and stop raping me with your eyes!"
"We'll see lovey, we'll see."