Wii Fit Project: Holy Pose
Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers. That goes to Nintendo. I also don't own Queen's Blade.
Summary: Palutena tricks the Wii Fit Trainer into performing a different type of exercise with the Smashers. Unsurprisingly, many are not too thrilled with the idea.
Pairing: Pit/Pittoo with hints of Ganondorf/Palutena and Shulk/Robin
Rated: M (for mature) but E (for explicit on Archive or Our Own)
Genre: Humor, Romance and Friendship
Warning: Swearing, yaoi with a lot of gay jokes, sexual themes (specifically sexual humiliation on the adult version) and unintentional OOC
The Queen's Blade jokes aren't ending. If you google what Holy Pose is, you'll see how dirty these exercises are. A warning that the Twincest is censored yet again on this website because of how extreme it is so go to Archive of Our Own for the erotic scene.
Palutena couldn't wait for the next exercise lesson by the Wii Fit Trainers. Perhaps she went too far with the joke, but now it was going to be a thing depending on how well everyone did. If the Smashers participated and were able to make a difference, then this would be a regular thing, but if not, then she might get in trouble by Master Hand. Then again, it's hard to punish a Goddess for playing an innocent game.
To the Wii Fit Trainer, she (and Mr. Fit) didn't expect a thing when she was explaining how the poses worked. They required stretching your legs as far as you could. When Palutena demonstrated it, they honestly didn't realize the type of position it was and tried it out themselves and given how they felt refreshed, they would use it on everyone who attended the exercise lesson (or who was forced to do so).
Some Smashers were lucky they wouldn't have to participate. Rosalina for one was also a Goddess and noticed Palutena's plan, so she stayed out of it (then again, if she participated in the exercise, no one would see what inside her dress). Pit was also not stupid surprisingly. He faked a stomachache to sit out for today knowing full well something was going to go down. The white angel was good at noticing Palutena's tricky personality as of late. If she wanted to screw with everyone, he wanted to stay out for once. Dark Pit unfortunately did not notice that something was up with Palutena. He might have had a feeling she was plotting something but he was about to be hit with the consequences full force.
Palutena watched from the outside window with a camera in hand. She was going to film the entire thing and then possibly attempt to post it on Youtube (if it didn't get taken down for sexual content).
The only people who did not intend specifically in the room were the children (who Palutena advised to keep out. She was a pervert but she didn't want children practicing these poses. That meant that Red actually had to be kicked out despite claiming his age of sixteen (he still looked ten)), Banjo and Kazooie (Duck Hunt Dog), Pit, Dr. Mario, R.O.B., Mr. Game and Watch, Rosalina and her main target who was far away from the Goddess of Light.
The funny thing is when Mr. and Ms. Fit started to explain what the poses were some of the Smashers ended up being smart and left unnoticed. Sheik apparently vanished out of the room before anyone could stop the ninja. Greninja and Meta Knight soon followed and then it got to the point where the trainers were on high alert on who intended to leave before things began.
There were some enthusiastic people like Bowser who were always looking forward to losing weight. The other was Shulk who wanted to show off his figure to Samus in particular given her work outfit was seen. She told him off but that only made him want to work to impress her along with Little Mac and Captain Falcon who were ready for this…or so they thought.
"Let us all get into our first position. First holy pose Decalogue!"
Ms. Fit demonstrated the pose by getting on her knees and extending her hand into the air. Okay, the first pose wasn't too bad. Smashers with flexibility were able to do it easily. Both Robins though weren't the athletic type so they had difficulty resulting in Shulk mocking Rob for his short figure.
"Ah ha ha…go fuck yourself Shulk…" Rob growled.
"Thank you. Perhaps you shouldn't be wearing a robe to an exercising project." He hummed as he held the pose rather well.
Pit yawned at the first post. If this is how boring it was going to be, he was going to leave but the second pose got his attention.
"Good. Now for the second pose. Kirby, please pay attention. You were having trouble there. Holy pose Binding!"
Now things were getting weird for the Smashers when Ms. Fit spread her legs in a squatting position with her hand in the air.
"If you have a weapon with you, hold it up." Mr. Fit explained.
Shulk hummed as he had Monado up in the air. Why the hell would the blonde carry his sword to an exercising program unless he wanted to compensate for something? Then again all the swordsmen kept their precious sword with them and both Robin's had their tomes. The pose was difficult to hold and there was no way Kirby or Pac-Man would be able to hold it given their short figure. Mr. Fit did not see it like this and went over to them and smacked them.
"Poyo!"
"Try again."
It was the third pose is when the hell began and it was starting to become obvious what these holy poses were for some Smashers. The Wii Fit Trainer got on her side bending one leg and extending the other out.
"Holy pose Crush Evil!"
And immediately Rob thought of a plan to get out with Robin. Rob made a noise that caused Shulk to snicker.
"What's wrong? Your legs giving up on you already?" He teased.
Oh was Rob's face burning hot but he wasn't going to take this and neither would his white haired twin. Too bad he wouldn't be able to bring Lucina with him.
"What is the matter Rob?" Mr. Fit questioned.
"I think…I hurt my leg…" Rob mumbled. "How pathetic…I got to go to Dr. Mario…Robin…help me out will you?"
Robin saw the opportunity and took the chance. Lucina looked at them both horrified that they were leaving her behind. She tried to get up from the embarrassing pose but Ms. Fit's eyes were on her and slammed her foot down when she tried to leave.
"Try again Lucina. Your pose is a mess."
"Come back…" Lucina mumbled seeing both tacticians rush out the door not turning back at the lesson.
The excuses started coming in afterward that both trainers noticed. Peach left next announcing she forgot something on the stove and stormed out before anyone could question her. Next was Falco who also faked an injury and got up. Fox's attempt to follow his comrade made him get slammed back down by the male Wii Fit Trainer causing Sonic to laugh at how Fox got owned on the spot.
When the fourth holy pose was activated called God's Wrath, Samus had enough of this sexual exploitation (she just now noticed Palutena was filming them). She wasn't going to stick her ass up in the air for the male Smashers to enjoy that she just stood up from the pose.
"Is there something the matter Ms. Aran?"
"…I'm done for today. I'm more exhausted from the Smash Run then I thought…" She murmured darkly.
Shulk, Little Mac and Captain Falcon were disappointed that they wouldn't get a nice view of her ass as she walked off and attempted to follow her but at this point, there wasn't going to be anyone else leaving especially since Dark Pit actually tried to sneak out with her.
"No one else is going anywhere." Wii Fit Trainer declared slamming the door rather quickly and smash attacking the guys back into the exact spot they were in. "If anyone tries to leave, you will be performing these moves an extra hour!"
Dark Pit cursed the Wii Fit Trainer for not letting him leave when the five Smashers were fast enough to leave before getting humiliated on the spot. Those who weren't humiliated obviously didn't realize the implication of what they were performing.
He was the one that was feeling weird. These holy poses…Pit wouldn't say anything to him, but now he was starting to understand why Pit was sitting out. Every time he was forced to change his position, he felt something inside him tingle almost causing him to let out a cry. At first he thought it was the stretch but now he was starting to figure out it was something more especially given how sexualized these poses are.
"Next, holy pose Compassion!"
You have got to be kidding me! Dark Pit thought, as he had to balance himself upside down with one leg in the air. At this point, Kirby and Pac-Man weren't going to do these poses do to how short their frame was so they started to roll around the room messing other people up in the process. Please no one look…
Pit was enjoying everything from the outside. Seeing his twin in these wonderful poses was making him feel rather naughty. If Kirby and Pac-Man were screwing with people just because they couldn't do the pose, the white angel thought it was time to embarrass the dark angel even more. They had twin telepathy that they rarely used because they didn't want to figure out what the other was thinking (and they wouldn't have time during a Smash battle to read each other) so now was a good time to actually do it.
"Pittoo. Looking fine in there."
Dark Pit's eyes widened realizing that Pit was communicating with him. He had his eyes closed when doing this pose in fear of someone actually looking at him when pulling off these poses perfectly.
D-Dammit Pit! Get out of my mind!
"But Pittoo, I wanted to make things end faster in there. The more you try to toughen it out, the more embarrassed you'll be."
Bastard, you knew this was going to happen! Why didn't you get me out?
"I wanted to see you in these poses. You look nice doing them."
If he didn't die from embarrassment of doing the poses, then being complimented for doing him would kill him. The Wii Fit Trainer changed to another pose that would be the death of his pride.
"Next, holy poses Fear!"
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
"Awwww yeah! Spread those legs baby!"
Pit was satisfied with what just occurred and just left before Palutena noticed that her little angel was the cause of the rather…spectacular scene that just happened.
Suffice to say that even if the holy poses were a success in the sense that it really did cause the Smashers who stayed to stretch beyond their capacity, it was going to be banned because Palutena forgot one important thing about the holy poses. By the name itself, angels or demons who performed these stretches would be turned on to the point of them climaxing because the poses were "in the name of God". Now that honestly sounded like something Zeus would come up with to get women to prepare themselves for him, and the reason it affected demons because there were evil and unholy poses (and they aren't the same thing) who intentionally perform these poses to seduce their target. Holy poses were intentional in doing that and to a normal human, it was just painful and embarrassing but to an angel or demon, it was heaven (or hell) on earth.
Dark Pit wouldn't talk to anyone for a while though after that humiliating incident. Pit kind of felt bad only when he got locked out of his own room and when he attempted to go through the window, the dark angel slammed the other's hand down causing him to fall down many floors (but its Pit, so he'll be fine on the ground). The fact he let that happen in front of everyone made him want to cry. His pride wouldn't come back even when battle and the worse part was that every man in the room who witnessed that was turned on by the noises he made. To be fooled into thinking no one was looking was foolish. If he just kept it down, then perhaps it wouldn't have had been that but, but no…even the straight men in the room found him mesmerizing in that moment but that might have been because it was a holy pose (or the fact it actually stuns the opponent into looking their direction if performed correctly). The worse part though was that Lucina witnessed it and there was no hope now even if she was sympathetic toward him unlike Shulk who was probably the only guy complaining about how there attention was moved from him to the clone.
However, even if Dark Pit locked himself in his room, it wouldn't stop some of the Smashers from bringing the incident up and then being told never to bring it up again. Some Smashers just wanted to forget it ever happen and the ones that didn't want to let it go like Palutena? Well Master had to step in and tell her that he can't let her use the holy poses again as an exercise.
Palutena's goal though apparently failed since she was after one particular person. He never showed up at the exercise at all. The green haired Goddess sulked on a bed when she was alone with him in his room shaking his head in disproval.
"Did you honestly think I would be fooled by a project like that?" The King of Evil questioned. "When something bad happens, you're always involved. When you have that expression, a trap is set for me. Even your dumb pet was not foolish to fall for it but his twin took the bait. To think that could have been me."
"Ganny, you're no fun! You should have at least spectated!"
"Childish."
Palutena continued to whine about how Ganondorf wasn't even being fair. She would proceed to insult how he wasn't any fun and how he would grow old if he continued to act like that. Suddenly she had an idea as she suddenly stopped him from getting out of his chair by wrapping her arms around his neck so he could feel her boobs press against his head. The expression his face read, "Get off or I will kick you out."
"Ganny, since it's only the two of us, let's try the holy poses together."
"No." He growled as he attempted to move but she wasn't going to let him get away from her boobs. "You will do something to mess with me Goddess of Light. I may not know the full extent of these poses, but in no way will I participate."
"That's a shame. We're going to be doing it together anyway. Wouldn't want anyone to know our little secret."
"…The Queen of the Cosmos already knows…" He grumbled, "and I doubt you want your pet to know."
"Really? You got more to lose than me. What would Bowser say if he found out your type? What would Link and Zelda say finding out their mortal enemy digs a hot Goddess like me?"
"…You give yourself too much credit." Ganondorf said with a sigh before he pushed her off. "I am not participating in these poses…unless you demonstrate how they work. Otherwise, you're leaving for the night."
Palutena grinned like a cat as she hopped back onto the bed. "Tee-hee."
"…I do not like that laugh…I am going to regret this…" The King of Evil muttered but despite her demonstration that night, nothing bad happened to him unlike the dark angel who was still sobbing into the pillow while Pit was begging his twin to let him back in because his clothes were starting to smell.
Me: Done with 3436 words.
Li: You have a sick mind.
Me: Thank you Queen's Blade. You allow me to take your almost hentai series and transfer it to a yaoi. So a lot of the actual exercise was cut out in this version because of how it leads straight into the erotic zone. I made Pittoo come off as someone who got off rather easily though from a pose rather than the slow mind breaking process Pit does to him. Notes!
1. Pit in this story is literally Palutena 2.0 with how he manipulates Dark Pit in the scene. They are specifically stated to have twin telepathy in Kid Icarus Uprising that allowed them to make up a Team Rocket motto on the spot (and also why I feel like when the two are teamed up as the CPU that they move like one unit covering the other). Like with the previous story concerning holy milk, Pit has done these exercises in the past and Dark Pit has no knowledge of this. Plus, Pit just knew something bad was going to happen. At the end though, if you pay attention to the scene, Pit is still not that bright if he still gets locked out of his own room. Trust me, if you read the one on Archive of Our Own, you will see how bad Pit got Dark Pit to the point that it was so humiliating that your face turns red reading it.
2. The Smashers that left the room were supposed to be part of the joke. Kirby and Pac-Man fail the poses because they are literally round balls that don't have legs to spread so forcing them to do it just results in them rolling like bowling balls. Meta Knight left so he wouldn't be in that category and while I didn't bring up Jigglypuff, she would also be rolling like tumbleweed. Then the ninjas left because no one can even prove they were there (and I was implying that maybe Zelda was there but that's up to interpretation of the dirty mind if you can see her doing the stretches). Rob and Robin left to avoid the humiliation, Peach was lying out of her ass, Falco was too cool to do the poses and Samus told a half-truth to stop the men from looking at her. Dark Pit is the epitome of embarrassment though of the exercise.
3. The thing about the holy poses is that it doesn't arouse angels or demons in Queen's Blade. It only says that angels, fallen angels, demons and humans closest to God can perform them and men cannot perform these activities well (but it doesn't mean they can't) hence why the male Smashers are doing so poorly. It was meant specifically for women. Like the holy milk not being able to remove the clothes when its splashed on someone, the holy pose wouldn't cause an orgasm in the Queen's Blade universe, but I kind of implied that Dark Pit was having dirty thoughts while performing "the sacred poses".
Speaking of holy poses, the Queen's Blade wiki has all poses used in the series and what position they're taking. It will be the first thing to show up on google and some of the poses like the first one actually look like a stretch but for me I was just going down based on how erotic they looked to the point where it was obvious they were more like sex poses. If they kept going, Shulk would have done holy pose Healing (which means rubbing an item in between your crotch…this is the Monado's power indeed…)
That's it. Reviews are appreciated. Ja ne and hope you liked those naughty images.