"Okay everybody, as much as hard it was to convince Warden Sharp, he allowed you all to work on your Halloween costumes!", Liz, the psychologist, announced with joy.
"Fucking great.", Killer Croc said.
"Uh-uh-uh - watch your mouth, Waylon.", Liz said, slightly less joyful.
"This is stupid.", Penguin added, but cowered slightly when Liz looked at him angrily, the whole one hundred and ten pounds of her.
"Sorry.", he mumbled angrily while Mr. Freeze gave him a curious look.
"What?", the short man asked with annoyance.
"I'm going to dress up as you.", Freeze announced with emotionless voice.
"Waylon, hold me, or I'm gonna rip his throat out!"
Croc didn't really bother to do anything, probably wanting to see blood-sicles coming out of Freeze's throat. Liz, on the other hand, quickly gestured her hand at the guard, letting him know to prepare the tranquilizer.
"And I swear, I'm gonna shove a carrot up that old snowman's...", before Cobblepot could finish his threat, the guard shot a dart at his arm, calming him down.
"Did you remember to adjust the dose to his size?", Liz asked. Guard only shrudded.
"Could we possibly get some more tools?", Scarecrow asked with malicious smile.
"No, I'm afraid not.", Liz answered.
"Afraid? What an interesting..."
"Johnny, do you want to spend another night in Waylon's cell?"
Scarecrow looked at Croc with terrified expression, while the latter grinned, showing even more of his fangs. "I wouldn't mind.", Croc said.
"Sorry, Jonathan, but you're not allowed to use any sharp tools.", doctor Liz said.
"But how are we supposed to make costumes without something to cut?", the skinny villain responded.
"Well, maybe I could get you something, as long as it will be relatively safe."
"Great! I've got a whole stack of needles hidden in this office!"
"What?"
"Nothing."
Liz decided to ignore the comment and instead, she looked at the Riddler, who was curiously examining the tube of glue.
"Is there anything wrong, Edward?"
"It's broken.", Riddler said with pity, like if Liz was some foolish, clueless child.
"Excuse me?"
"It's obviously broken. It doesn't open.", he said. Liz grabbed the tube and unscrewed the top, then handed the glue to the Riddler.
He looked at her with consternation.
"It's funny to you, isn't it?", he said angrily.
"What?"
"It makes you feel better to prove your false superiority over me, doesn't it?"
"Excus..."
"IT MAKES YOU HAPPY INSIDE THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME, DADDY, DOESN'T IT?!", he shouted and guards took him away, already preparing a straight jacket.
"O-kay.", Liz said and looked at Two-Face, who seemed to be pretty sad.
"Is there something wrong Harvey?", she asked kindly.
"I don't know what to do.", he said with blank expression.
"Urgh... the coin again?"
He did not respond.
Liz took out her phone and showed it to him. "Here, I've got an app that flips the coin. Much more practical.", she said and handed him the phone. He reluctantly took it.
He then threw it in the air and the phone landed on the ground.
"Oops.", he said.
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!", Liz shouted and the guard took out his dart gun again, just in case.
"It's much bigger than a coin.", Two-Face said and looked at the broken device. "But it's not nearly as durable and it doesn't flip well. I don't see how is it more practical.", he said and continued to stare at the array of materials on the table.
Liz took a deep breath and looked at Killer Croc again, who was trying to put a thread through a needle (with blunt end, of course) and didn't seem to succeed.
"Damn, giant fingers.", he muttered. "I told those morons at Rocksteady not to make them so big. 'Ooh, but we want to make you unique and dangerous', they said. I bit off their heads, but they still didn't consider me dangerous enough.", he said, much to Liz's confusion.
"Note to self.", Liz said to herself. "Run tests on Mr. Jones to establish what the duck is wrong with him, except for being a giant crocodile."
"Alright, everybody, I see you're not very eager to work.", Liz said, noticing that the Joker has been quiet throughout the entire time. "So how about this: the person with the best costume will receive one, non-illegal item to keep for the rest of their therapy!", Liz said, realising that the list of forbidden items will probably be longer than the list of legal ones.
"Could I get a puppy?", Joker asked, finally taking interest in therapy.
"I'm afraid the answer is 'no'.", Liz said.
"Afraid? What an interesting..."
"Shut up, Johnny.", Liz said shortly. The Joker gave her an angry look.
"You hate me cause I'm white.", he said and continued to stare at the ceiling.
Liz just sighed and noticed that Mr. Freeze was giving her a curious look.
"What is it, Victor?"
"What is the point of this activity?", he asked with blank expression.
"To make your Halloween costumes.", Liz answered.
"Why?"
"To celebrate Halloween."
"Why?"
"To have some fun."
"Why?"
"Because that's what people do."
"Why?"
"Because... shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!", Liz answered angrily, realising that she just lost the meaning of life because of a bunch of villains playing around with paper and fabric.
"Can I ask something else?", Freeze said.
"WHAT?!"
"Why do I have to wear a fridge?", he said and pointed at the little, mobile fridge on his head.
"Because your suit is the most dangerous thing that we store.", Liz said. "And we use it as a big fridge in the guards' room."
The Joker was still quiet, almost sad, actually. Liz came closer and smiled warmly.
"Don't you want to make yourself a costume, Joker?"
"You wanna know how I got these scars?", Joker said with a smile.
"What scars?", Liz answered with confusion. "You don't have any..."
"See, I had... a doctor. Beautiful, like you. Who tells me... I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to stop killing puppies and sending their heads to children on Christmas Eve."
"Wha..."
"One day, she tells me to make a Halloween costume..."
"Joker, this is happening right now.", Liz said.
"Oh... but, I was scary, right?", Joker asked.
"Nope. Just weird. Not an Oscar worthy, that's to be sure.", Liz said.
Meanwhile, the Penguin, still under the effects of tranquilizer, began to take off his clothes with an innocent, childish and oblivious smile on his face.
"Uh... Liz?", the guard said and Liz indeed looked at him, then at Oswald.
She immediately covered her eyes, just like all the other people in the room.
"Oz, what the fuck?!", Croc shouted.
"It burns!", Freeze said.
"The scariest thing I've ever seen!", Scarecrow added.
"None of the things I've done come any close to THIS.", Joker said, smile disappearing from his face.
"I don't know what to do!", Two-Face shouted, desperately trying to cover his eyes, but without the coin, he couldn't make the decision.
"Hey, what about me?!", Riddler, who was already brought back, couldn't cover his eyes while wearing a straight jacket.
"Someone must stop this madness!", Joker said and pulled a canister of gasoline out of nowhere.
"How did you...", Liz tried to ask.
"Injustice!", Joker shouted and started spilling gasoline everywhere, then threw a match on the floor.
"I'm still thankful that he did this.", Liz said to the guard, while the firefighters were putting down the flames.
They were all standing outside of the room, including the Penguin, who was covering himself with Liz's coat.
"Thanks for that, doc.", he said.
"Keep it.", Liz answered and looked at her patients.
"O-kay, so how about we take a look at your costumes!", Liz said, with the enthusiasm so fake that she didn't believe it herself.
"Okay, so first, Harvey."
"I'm dressed as Jekyll and Hyde.", he said, still wearing his regular inmate uniform.
"Huh... but Jekyll and Hyde were two people in one body, not half and a half. Sorry, Harv.", Liz said. "Next."
"I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger.", Scarecrow said, since his shirt caught on fire and he needed to take it off, showing impressive set of twelve-year old boy muscles.
"Sorry, Johnny, but... no.", Liz said. "Next."
"I'm a robot.", Freeze said, with the fridge still on his head.
"You always were!", Joker said and laughed.
"Yeah, sorry Victor, but... no.", Liz said and sighed. "Urgh, next."
"I'm Sherlock Holmes.", Riddler said.
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm a genius, you idiotic imbecile! I HATE YOU DADDY, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!", Nigma started yelling and guards took him away again.
"We're gonna need a bigger straight jacket. Anyway, next.", Liz said.
"I'm a Hulk.", Kiler Croc said proudly.
"Who? You cannot use imaginary friends, Waylon.", Liz responded, not impressed at all.
"What do you want me to do? Dress up as Spawn?", Croc asked sarcastically.
"No imaginary friends, Mr. Jones. Next."
"Wait...", Croc said. "I'm the Lizard.", he said proudly. "From Marvel."
"From what? Urgh, I really need to run some tests on you. Next.", Liz said.
"I'm an angel.", the Penguin said.
"... next.", Liz answered.
"Hey.", Killer Croc said with sudden realisation. "I'm Leatherhead. From Ninja Turtles."
"Enough with this nonsense, Waylon.", Liz said with annoyance.
"Ph. Walker's a better therapist than you anyway.", Croc said angrily.
Liz ignored the comment and looked at the Joker.
"Well?", she asked.
"I'm Luke Skywalker."
"Good enough.", Liz said. "So, choose your prize, Joker.", she said and then raised her pointing finger. "But remember, it cannot be something harmful."
The Joker just smiled sadistically.
"Oooooonlyyyyy youuuuuu! Can make this woooooorld seeeem riiight!", Joker howled from his cell, enjoying his new karaoke set.
"Urgh, what have I done.", Liz sighed.
Author's note:
This little one-shot is dedicated to my fellow writer, SectumSemprae, who encouraged me to write comedy fics.