Disclaimer; I do not own anything sadly. Grey's Anatomy belongs to both ABC and Shonda Rhimes.
Help: I need help with making a signature for this fic? Can anyone help me? Please? Xxxx
Note: Hey guys, as some of you may remember, this was my first fic that I ended up giving up on but it is has been bugging me recently so I came back to it and tweaked a little bit of it. I really hope you all enjoy! This fic is post Season 4 Episode 4, 'Heart of the Matter'.
Enjoy…
Secrets Never Shared.
'Bless The Broken Road'
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
Derek was driving home, playing the speech he had given Meredith over and over in his mind. He knew he should have felt bad for the way he had left it but oddly enough he didn't. He could not and would not feel guilty for trying to wake Meredith up. He would not be made to feel guilty for wanting a future with Meredith or for telling her so. However, he did feel guilty for hurting her by talking with her estranged sister. But then, who else could he talk to. Mark? Richard? Christina? He had tried to talk to Mark but things were still awkward and he had his own whoring problems going on with the surgical nurses. He couldn't talk to the Chief as he seemed to be going through his own personal problems with Adele and he definitely couldn't talk to Meredith's 'person' for one simple reason – she hated him.
Lexie had been so easy to talk to, especially because a small part of her understood where he was coming from. She is desperate to get to know Meredith and Meredith will not allow it. It was understandable that they would talk to one another as circumstances seemed to push them together. If only the same could be said for him and Meredith. He wasn't attracted to Lexie and he never would be, especially now that he knew she was Meredith's estranged sister. It didn't matter anyway because he was in love with one woman and one woman only but he just wasn't sure that he was going to be able to spend the rest of his life with the love of his life by his side. There was only one thing he could be sure of in that moment- he wouldn't be hearing from Meredith in a while. She would do everything in her power to avoid him, no matter what the cost.
Derek had just parked the car at the trailer when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He couldn't believe his eyes when he realised he had received a text from Meredith. It just goes to show that even the great Derek Shepherd can get things wrong.
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.
Meredith lay in her bed, playing Derek's almost perfect speech over and over in her head. The words marriage, kids, house, dying at 110, each other, together was well and truly fixated in her brain.
Could she tell Derek the truth?
Could she explain to him the reason she lives under a banner of avoidance?
Could she open up and tell him why she can't be the person to give him his happily ever after?
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
She knew she had to. She knew she wanted to. Most importantly, she knew he deserved to know even if it meant losing the love of her life for good. With that thought, Meredith sent Derek a text asking him if he could drop round to the house as she had something important to tell him. Something that could not wait, although she desperately wanted to put it off. Unfortunately, he replied, saying he would be over within the hour!
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
The house was empty as Izzie and Alex were working night shift, Christina was at her apartment with Callie and Lexie and George were at Joe's. This meant Meredith had time to rattle about the big, empty house to prepare for what she must tell Derek and more importantly, prepare to his reaction of her revelation. She first went down into the basement, unlocked the old cupboard and pulled out a box in which she hoped would not have to be opened. She then went back upstairs to place the box in one of the kitchen cupboards in case it was needed. She then carried on up the stairs, threw herself on the chair by the window in her bedroom, trying to plan out how to even begin her conversation with Derek. All she knew was, it would end up with Derek walking away angry and hurt. No matter what, this would be the last conversation she would have with Derek outside of work and the thought of that mad her well and truly sick.
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA.
It was about 45 minutes later when Meredith heard a car pull up, outside the house and without looking out her bedroom window, she knew who it was. Trying to ignore the feeling of the bile rising from her stomach, she pushed herself off the chair in her bedroom and made her way downstairs. As she got to the bottom of the stairs, she could already see him through the glass door.
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
"Hi," Meredith whispered shakily, showing how nervous she was. "Come on in."
"Thanks," Derek smiled, opening the door for himself. He was trying hard to keep his own nerves at bay. Her body language had just convinced him that she was definitely going to end it. Even though they weren't in a relationship, unless you could count S&M as a relationship. He tried to calm his nerves as he drove to Meredith's house but he couldn't because he tried to think of everything Meredith would need to talk to him about so urgently and could only come up with one conclusion – that she was about to break all contact with him.
But you just smile and take my hand
"Thanks for coming," she murmured, fidgeting with her hands, demonstrating how nervous she was. "I was just about to put the kettle on to make some coffee. Would you...uh...like some?"
"Love some," he nodded, thinking how he was going to need a large whiskey after this.
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Meredith made her way into the kitchen and Derek followed. He watched as she made the coffee and put together a plate of biscuits. He tried to make eye contact with her while he sat at the table. They only made eye contact for a second and it was in that moment he knew that tonight was not going to end well.
Meredith brought over two steaming hot cups of coffee to the table, followed by a plate of Izzies' home made cookies and brownies. They both made a weak attempt to smile at each other to try and hide the tension they both new was building.
"Did you get a chance to scrub in with Richard after I left?" Derek asked, trying to make small talk.
"Yeah," Meredith sighed. "It was a good finish to what had started off as an awful day."
"I heard what happened with Sloan's patient," he informed her. "It wasn't your fault. It was Norman's. You shouldn't have taken responsibility."
"Yes, I should have," she whispered. "Norman was my responsibility today."
"Noble," Derek sighed.
"Hmm," she muttered, hating how awkward and unnatural this felt.
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
"So…" Derek started but soon realised he had no idea what to say.
"So," Meredith repeated.
"Meredith, what's going on?" Derek blurted out, not able to take the awkwardness anymore.
"Nothing," she reasoned, sounding a little defensive. "I just have something to tell you. Something you are definitely not going to like."
"How do you mean?" he questioned her.
"Your speech…Your speech got me thinking," Meredith whispered sadly.
"You make that sound bad," he muttered. "Got you thinking about what? The future?"
"Actually," she began hesitantly. "The past."
"So the reason you asked me here was to talk about our past?" Derek asked, unsure where this conversation was leading to.
"No…uh...The reason I asked you here…What i have to tell you is...well...um...you're not going to like. Its been a secret that i have kept, well i don't even think of it as a secret but somehow along the way it became a secret. It's something i haven't told you, Christina, Alex, Izzie, George. I tried and i wanted to but i couldn't. I can't explain why. I just...I just couldn't," Meredith rambled off, as Derek stared at her intently.
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
Meredith looked into Derek's piercing blue eyes and seen that she had his full attention because out of all the scenarios he had built in his head, this was not the way he imagined the conversation starting – with a confession.
"Meredith, whatever it is, you can tell me," Derek assured her. "You can trust me," he added pointedly.
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Derek could see the pain in Meredith's eyes, the moment he made the comment and instantly regretted it. Although, all he could focus on was what was so painful for her to tell him. Nothing could possibly be that bad? Could it?
"You know, maybe this was a bad idea," Meredith sighed, letting her nerves get the better of her.
Now I'm just rolling home
"Meredith," Derek whispered gently, reaching forward to squeeze her hand but Meredith pulled it away instantly, leaving him feeling dejected. "Just tell me."
Into my lover's arms
"I wish it was that easy," she smiled sadly. "I wish it was that simple. But what this all comes down to is a promise i made to someone very important to me many years ago. It's a promise that i cannot and will not break."
This much I know is true
"I don't…"
"Please Derek," she pleaded. "If I'm going to do this, I need you not to interrupt."
"Okay," he nodded, seeming to understand.
That God blessed the broken road
"Before, i explain…well…what I'm about to explain… i need you to know that…that this was never about not…not, well, not loving you or…or trusting you because Derek i still love you, i still trust you. It was never about that," Meredith rambled off, already put off by the stunned expression on Derek's face." What I'm going to tell you is going to make you angry…really angry and I know you're going to feel hurt and confused and more than likely you will end up storming out of this house, never speaking to me again…"
"Meredith," Derek interrupted, already looking confused and hurt.
That led me straight to you
"No interrupting," Meredith scolded lightly, gripping tightly onto her coffee mug to stop her hands from fidgeting with her watch. "I don't need you to understand this Derek. I just need you to know that im sorry for not telling you because more than anything i want to be able to share this with you. I really do. If…or should I say when you walk away tonight, at the very least i want you to walk away with the understanding of why I am the way i am- dark and twisty, living under a banner of avoidance..."
That God blessed the broken road
"Meredith..." Derek trails off in a pleading voice.
"Ok...Ok..." she nodded hesitantly, knowing she was putting off the inevitable.
That led me straight to you
Meredith looked at Derek. He gave her that Mcdreamy smile and sympathetic head tilt which is all she needed to continue, finally realising it was now or never.
"Do you remember when you took Addison back and you spoke about what the rings symbolised?" she questioned gently, knowing that bringing Addison up at a time like this was not her best move.
"Meredith," he sighed, exasperated. "What the…"
"Please Derek?" she pleaded.
When Derek seen Meredith look at him with desperation for him to answer, he realised she hadn't brought up Addison out of any form of nastiness or to throw her in his face.
"Okay," he whispered. "The ring symbolised a promise that we had made to one another."
"Exactly!" She almost screamed, nearly jumping out of the chair. "Well, funny enough, i understood where you were coming from because…well…you see… several years ago i made a very big...uh... important promise to a... young boy...
"What young boy?" Derek questioned gently, feeling completely lost.
Meredith looked at Derek with tears in her eyes and realised there was no going back now. She had to see the conversation through whether she wanted to or not.
"My son…" she trailed off, with tears in her eyes.
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
Enjoy? Please let me know. For all those who comment will be sent aTEASER!