Title: Ever After
Author: Lisa M
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye, implied Hawkeye/Trapper
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything. Don't sue … no money.
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.
Feedback: Would be appreciated - good or bad.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: His name was BJ Hunnicutt and I didn't even want to shake his hand when he first offered it.
June 6
Dear Hawkeye,
I'm not sure why I'm writing to you. Who knows if you'll even open this when you see where the post mark is from. I guess I wanted to explain why I left without saying goodbye to you. I know Radar told you that we tried to find you in time, and that is partially true. But, when he asked me where I thought you might be, I gave him a list of places he could try to contact. What I didn't do, was give him a list of places where I knew you'd be. I could have found you. Christ, Hawk we've known each other for so long - I knew where you'd go. I could have come there to see you. And I didn't. I guess part of me was afraid if I saw you, that you'd convince me to stay. That I wouldn't have been able to walk away from you. To get on my flight and go home. And I had to go home, Hawk.
I realize that sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is, but it's taken me almost a year to come to terms with how I felt about you back then and what I did to you by going without even leaving you so much as a note. I know that this is coming extremely late, but I am very sorry. For leaving. For not saying goodbye. For never telling you how I felt. You were the most important thing in the world to me, and I abandoned you. I was a coward and I hope that you've forgiven me. God knows, after all this time, I haven't even forgiven myself.
I hope everything is well with you. Sometimes I worry about you … still over there in that place and I pray that Korea hasn't gotten the best of you. Then I remember that nothing could ever get the best of you, Hawkeye. You're too strong for that. I look forward to hearing from you, but if I don't, I'll understand.
Yours,
Trapper
July 12
Trapper,
I received your letter today. I almost didn't open it, like you said, but then I realized that I was actually happy to see that you had written. To see your familiar handwriting on an envelope and on the piece of paper inside. I guess, in a sense, it felt like pulling on a comfortable old sweater. One that you haven't worn in a while, but that you hold on to, just in case a day came when you wanted to wear it again.
Trap, I can't tell you that I wasn't angry when you left. I was hurt and I was offended. I was downright pissed off at you for a very, very long time. But, a funny thing happened. The day you shipped out, Radar and I raced to Kimpo to try and catch you. Well, Radar was on his way to pick up your replacement … I kind of hijacked him and the jeep. We got there ten minutes after your flight left. Ten minutes. I was crushed. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why you hadn't taken ten minutes … hell, five minutes … to write me a note. Something. Anything. That was when Radar walked up with the doctor who was sent to take your place at the 4077th. His name was BJ Hunnicutt and I didn't even want to shake his hand when he first offered it. It was almost as if I wasn't registering the fact that he was standing there. Turns out, BJ Hunnicutt has become the best friend I've ever had. And I know by telling you, that I may have upset you or hurt you, and I'm sorry.
This man, who I had decided I wouldn't want to know before I even met him simply because he was replacing you, has become everything to me. Just being around him, makes me better at everything I do. I'm a better surgeon, a better friend, a better lover. A better man. And I want to be that for him. That and more. He has taught me the true meaning of friendship … of love. I was able to let go of all my bitterness towards you … because of BJ.
You said that you knew nothing could ever get the best of me. Trapper, I have given it freely to him. The best of me, the worst of me, and everything in between. And I know that when this war is finally over, I won't have an 'ever after' with BJ. We will go our separate ways. But for now, I am happy. Happier than I've ever been.
So don't you worry about me. I'll be fine. I'll be better than fine.
You wanted forgiveness from me … you have it. Though, I don't know that there's really anything to forgive. At least not anymore. Thank you for writing to me, Trapper. I means a lot. You were an important part of my life for a very long time. But now, I think it's time for me to put that sweater away for good. There just isn't room for it anymore. Goodbye, Trapper.
Hawkeye
With a deep sigh, BJ folded both letters and slid them back into their envelopes.
2:00 a.m.
Charles, in a shocking display of kindness and friendship, relieved me from post-op duty an hour earlier than expected. Gratefully, I left and walked back to the Swamp for the night. As I approached the darkened tent, I noticed a warm yellow glow flickering through the mesh and I smiled.
BJ.
On nights like these, he would always leave a candle burning for me. He would fill the inside of his helmet with sand and push the waxy stick into it. The he would place the dim beacon of light on the stove in the middle of the Swamp.
So thoughtful, my BJ.
I pulled open the door, expecting to find him sound asleep on his cot, but his bunk was empty - sheets perfectly made. Squinting into the dark corners of the tent, I saw him. Laying on my cot. He had an expression on his face that I couldn't read and that scared me.
"Beej," I said, hearing the panic I was feeling coating my words as I moved towards him carefully. "What happened? Are you okay?"
BJ didn't say a word, but reached up and grasped my hands. He pulled me down onto the bed with him, wrapping me in a tight embrace. His hand slipped into my hair and he cradled my head against his chest. I could feel his heart beating against my skin … warm and alive. As I snuggled closer, I realized just how odd my friend was acting. He was never this blatantly affectionate - not here, in camp, where we could easily be caught. I drew away and lifted my eyes to his.
There was something new swimming beneath the surface of those twin pools of blue. It was raw and it was real. My breath caught as my heart jumped into my throat.
For the first time in my life, genuine love was staring me in the face. Carlye had never looked at me the way BJ was looking at me. BJ hadn't even looked at me like that before tonight.
"Beej, what happ …"
I was silenced by his lips connecting with mine.
The End