The Good Loser
By Cybra
A/N: The evil plot bunnies are attacking in droves! Augh! :::is buried::: Enjoy the story! And help me!
Dedication: Dedicated to Ransomed Heart who wrote that fantastic story "What You'll Never Know" which inspired this tale. Consider this my surprise gift to you, Ransomed Heart!
Disclaimer: Code Lyoko is owned by some very rich Frenchman. Ou.
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Bullshit. Whoever said that obviously never played the part of the good loser his entire life.
Jim, my old gym teacher, said once, "You're a good loser, Jeremy. You always congratulate the winner."
It doesn't mean I always have to like it when I congratulate the winner.
Back in gym, I didn't care if I won or lost…and I mostly lost. Let's face it: I sucked at sports. Good old Jeremy never had any talent on any playing field.
But in life I almost won once. And when I lost…
Well, it was the biggest let-down I ever had.
Who knew that Odd had a crush on Aelita? I didn't. He certainly didn't drop any hints. Not like me who blushed every time someone so much as hinted about her. Maybe he thought I wouldn't like the competition and would devise some new form of torment for anybody who tried to compete with me for her.
I'd worked long and hard on that antivirus program, slaved over it really. I don't think I had a second of spare time for an entire year and a half. I carried the pictures we took in the photo booth around in my wallet, yearning for the day I could finally materialize her.
And it finally happened. I had even managed to age her so that she seemed as old as us. My heart soared at seeing her again in the flesh.
She rushed forward. I was ready to take her in my arms and hug her…
She ran to Odd.
My entire world collapsed at that point. Odd? How could she?! After all I had done for her?! After all I had sacrificed?!
But he'd sacrificed a lot for her, too. He'd risked his safety to protect her while I'd merely offered advice from the outside. He'd actually been there.
And even though I wanted to yank the two apart, I had to admit defeat. I couldn't do that to Aelita. I couldn't try to control her, couldn't even think to try and dominate her. Then XANA would've won in a sense. I would've become that twisted monster version of myself that XANA liked to show itself as.[1]
So I slapped a smile on my face despite the swirling pit of black emotions that I felt and showed nothing but happiness for Odd and Aelita. Odd gave me a questioning look at one point—asking if it was okay, I guess—but soon was so happy with Aelita that he forgot about me.
No problem. I'm the good loser, remember? All that time I spent in my room bent over my computer working on that antivirus doesn't mean anything now.
Nope. Nada. Nothing.
Maybe if they weren't my friends, I could've forgotten about it, could've moved on. (As if I ever could.) But seeing them holding hands or him brushing a lock of her hair out of her face coupled with Yumi and Ulrich just seemed to drive it all home every single day of the week: You lost, Jeremy. See what you could've had if you'd just opened your mouth?
She was Yumi's maid of honor and he Ulrich's best man at Yumi and Ulrich's wedding. I watched both happy couples as they danced during the reception, gave the customary "Good luck" toast to the bride and groom, and sipped champagne as I played wallflower. Nobody paid really any mind to the low-level computer programmer on the wall. Fortunately, I recognized I was getting drunk and had the mind to splash some cold water on my face in the restroom before I made a total ass of myself.
They'd all been surprised when they found out that I was a humble drudge at some small computer company struggling for survival beneath behemoths like Microsoft considering all that I can do. Actually, my boss sees my talent in my work since I always manage to do better than my coworkers, but he says I lack ambition. I don't lack ambition; I lack a reason for giving a damn about promotion. It's not as if I have a wife and children to support like the rest of my coworkers do. But I digress.
Odd actually asked me to be his best man at his wedding. And me, being the good loser that I am, agreed. I cried during the ceremony. Not the tears of joy at seeing my two friends wed that everybody thought I was crying, but tears of agony. Yet I managed to keep a smile on my face the entire time so I guess that's something.
Another reception, another night of playing wallflower. And more glasses of champagne. I still managed to avoid making an ass of myself though Yumi was giving me odd looks. Perhaps she suspected something.
Don't take what I'm saying the wrong way: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm the stupidest smart person I know but I haven't sunk to that level of stupidity yet. Sometimes I just want to be a little numb to the world.
Especially now. Yumi's invited me to a baby shower: Aelita's baby shower. She's having her first child and she's so excited.
I just want to die. It's the final nail in the coffin. A baby will be the most constant reminder that I lost my chance with her. After all, it's hers and Odd's.
I should be happy. I'm willing myself to be happy. Yet I can't put on my game face anymore. I'm supposed to be the good loser, but I can't do it this time.
At Yumi's first baby shower, I was on my fifth girlfriend (and about a week away from breaking up with her as nastily as I had with my third boyfriend; don't ask). It'd been yet another sorry attempt at picking up the pieces of my love life and trying to move on. After that, I just gave up on the whole dating scene. Nobody could take Aelita's place, but I'd simply told my friends that I'd probably find that certain someone unexpectedly someday.
Yeah right. I'd found her but I'd lost her right there at the finish line.
Still, I've always been the good loser up until this point in time. So why can't I be a good loser and accept this baby as part of the whole thing as well? Aelita deserves to be happy with Odd and create her own family with him.
I hear Yumi pull up outside and her car door slam. Suddenly, I'm crying and I can't stop. I push up my glasses and dig the heels of my palms into my eyes, trying to stem the flow, but to no avail.
"I can't go like this…"
I go and get Aelita's present—a baby swing all wrapped up in purple paper since I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl. Before Yumi even rings the bell, I open the door.
Yumi's stomach is sticking out a little. According to the doctor, her second child is going to be due about the same time Aelita's first is. Odd and Ulrich are just as thrilled as their wives.
She isn't thrilled—shocked really—when I thrust the package into her hands. "Jeremy! What on Earth—?!"
"I can't go today. I—Something's come up," I manage to force out through tears. "Tell Aelita I'm sorry."
And I close the door in her face.
She bangs on the door for a few minutes before she finally gives up and leaves.
I don't care. I go to my room, sit on the bed, and just cry for the first time in ages.
Tomorrow I'll go back to being the good loser.
Today I just want to cry.
[1] A reference to the episode where Jeremy has to save Yumi, Ulrich, and Odd from XANA's virtual prison. In the end, it revealed itself as a twisted version of Jeremy.