Title: For As Long As He Wants Me
Author: Nina
Rating: It's pretty tame. G, I'd think.
Spoilers: None specifically.
Synopsis: Set 7 years after "Hello, Goodbye." Max has a reflective moment. Angsty ramble.
Disclaimer: I disclaim, I disclaim. I don't pretend to own Dark Angel or any of it's characters. They all belong to Fox, James Cameron, Charles Eglee, et all. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.
AN: This is my first Dark Angel piece and my first post on FF.net, so feedback would be appreciated, but please try to keep the flames on low.
AN 2: Special thanks to Specks, whose angst inspired my own and whose vow got me to post…
AN 3: I have to thank the people who were kind enough to send me emails and let me know that I'd forgotten the disclaimer when I first posted… Oops!
I just looked at the clock and realized it's another one of THOSE nights. Actually, I guess somewhere along the way it's turned into one of THOSE mornings; I just didn't realize it 'til now.
It's nearly four-thirty and he's going to get up soon. He has an early day at work. All his days at work are early.
I know he'll worry if he wakes up and finds out that I'm not in bed with him. I don't want him to worry, so I crawl in next to him and there I lay... Counting down the minutes until his alarm goes off and I can be truly alone with my thoughts.
As soon as I lay down, he moves his big body next to mine and wraps an arm around me. It always makes me smile. Some days, like today, the smile is bittersweet.
There he is, just sleeping so peacefully. Even in his sleep he loves me so completely that he can't bear not to touch me. I can hear that little sound he makes as he snuggles in closer. It's like a purr almost, if you can imagine such a kittenish sound coming from just over six feet of man. That little sound just broke another piece of my heart. Because he just made that sound because of me.
I'm here, in OUR bed, in HIS arms, but I'm thinking about YOU. Again. Still. Even after all these years. All these long years, without so much as a phone call. Without looking into your deep, beautiful blue eyes, or seeing your boyish half-smile... without hearing your laugh... without feeling your lips on mine, melting my insides and making my knees go weak.
All these years without anything but the memories and somehow you still have my heart.
Most of it.
And the few parts you don't already have are breaking a little right now because he's here, you're not, and he just made that sound.
I never make that sound for him. I wonder if he's noticed that. I wonder if he just thinks it's not a sound I've ever made or if, deep down, he knows it's a sound only you ever got to hear.
Because he knows about you.
Of course he knows about you.
Hell, he knows pretty much everything about me. Even the ugly parts. The dark parts. The parts that sometimes give me nightmares and can plague even the brightest of my days.
The parts I wonder if even you could love.
Even though I know just how much you can love. I remember. You loved me despite all the things I'd done, despite the person I had been. And you helped change me. You helped build a better me.
And he knows that.
He was there while I tried to pick up the pieces. After. He was there when my heart broke for you, over and over. Because I couldn't have you anymore.
I can still see the look on your face when I told that I would love you forever. How that little sparkle you always had in your eyes just seemed to get brighter. When I could swear I saw your very soul--staring back into my eyes, eyes that I know had that same look.
And I can still see the look in your eyes when I told you it was over. When I knew I'd hurt you even more if I didn't go. I saw the light dim in your eyes when I told you it wasn't forever anymore. Right before you turned away and I walked out. Broken.
Some days I still feel broken.
I cry. More than I should. Even though it's been seven years. And he holds me. He wipes my tears away and tells me that he loves me and he just holds me. He doesn't ask anymore why I cry. I think he knows the tears are for you. For us. For the part of my heart that I'm missing.
I hate that he knows, but I can see it in his eyes. His chocolate brown eyes that look at me like I'm a goddess. Those eyes tell me so much. I've seen the look they hold before. I've seen it reflected in your eyes, right after I kissed you and you told me that you loved me and that we would be together forever.
God, that look in his eyes.
He loves me like I love you.
And that's why I'm here, laying in bed with him until he wakes up; pretending I don't think of you.
I promised you forever and I gave you my heart. Somehow that forever ended, but the love I feel never did.
So I don't promise him forever. Or always. I don't tell him I love him with all my heart. I can't bring myself to lie to him. I tell him that I love him with everything I have and that I'll be his for as long as he wants me. And that's true. I won't break his heart by leaving. Even though I know he won't be mine forever.
It can't be enough for him... The little bit I have left to give. He deserves so much more than this. He deserves the kind of love I gave to you. The love that I can't deny and just don't have in me to give again.
So I know he's going to leave. I can see that in his eyes too. But it won't be now.
I should make it easy for him. I should leave and let resentment turn that love he feels to hate. I probably deserve it. I won't though; I can't leave him. I'm selfish and I want that love he gives. It's all I have left.
So, I lay here and I hold back the tears as he finishes getting ready for work. He kisses my forehead and pushes the hair off my face. I can hear the smile in his voice when he says goodbye.
"I love you, Max. See you when I get home."
Once he's gone, I can let the tears fall.
Tears for you, Logan.
Author: Nina
Rating: It's pretty tame. G, I'd think.
Spoilers: None specifically.
Synopsis: Set 7 years after "Hello, Goodbye." Max has a reflective moment. Angsty ramble.
Disclaimer: I disclaim, I disclaim. I don't pretend to own Dark Angel or any of it's characters. They all belong to Fox, James Cameron, Charles Eglee, et all. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.
AN: This is my first Dark Angel piece and my first post on FF.net, so feedback would be appreciated, but please try to keep the flames on low.
AN 2: Special thanks to Specks, whose angst inspired my own and whose vow got me to post…
AN 3: I have to thank the people who were kind enough to send me emails and let me know that I'd forgotten the disclaimer when I first posted… Oops!
I just looked at the clock and realized it's another one of THOSE nights. Actually, I guess somewhere along the way it's turned into one of THOSE mornings; I just didn't realize it 'til now.
It's nearly four-thirty and he's going to get up soon. He has an early day at work. All his days at work are early.
I know he'll worry if he wakes up and finds out that I'm not in bed with him. I don't want him to worry, so I crawl in next to him and there I lay... Counting down the minutes until his alarm goes off and I can be truly alone with my thoughts.
As soon as I lay down, he moves his big body next to mine and wraps an arm around me. It always makes me smile. Some days, like today, the smile is bittersweet.
There he is, just sleeping so peacefully. Even in his sleep he loves me so completely that he can't bear not to touch me. I can hear that little sound he makes as he snuggles in closer. It's like a purr almost, if you can imagine such a kittenish sound coming from just over six feet of man. That little sound just broke another piece of my heart. Because he just made that sound because of me.
I'm here, in OUR bed, in HIS arms, but I'm thinking about YOU. Again. Still. Even after all these years. All these long years, without so much as a phone call. Without looking into your deep, beautiful blue eyes, or seeing your boyish half-smile... without hearing your laugh... without feeling your lips on mine, melting my insides and making my knees go weak.
All these years without anything but the memories and somehow you still have my heart.
Most of it.
And the few parts you don't already have are breaking a little right now because he's here, you're not, and he just made that sound.
I never make that sound for him. I wonder if he's noticed that. I wonder if he just thinks it's not a sound I've ever made or if, deep down, he knows it's a sound only you ever got to hear.
Because he knows about you.
Of course he knows about you.
Hell, he knows pretty much everything about me. Even the ugly parts. The dark parts. The parts that sometimes give me nightmares and can plague even the brightest of my days.
The parts I wonder if even you could love.
Even though I know just how much you can love. I remember. You loved me despite all the things I'd done, despite the person I had been. And you helped change me. You helped build a better me.
And he knows that.
He was there while I tried to pick up the pieces. After. He was there when my heart broke for you, over and over. Because I couldn't have you anymore.
I can still see the look on your face when I told that I would love you forever. How that little sparkle you always had in your eyes just seemed to get brighter. When I could swear I saw your very soul--staring back into my eyes, eyes that I know had that same look.
And I can still see the look in your eyes when I told you it was over. When I knew I'd hurt you even more if I didn't go. I saw the light dim in your eyes when I told you it wasn't forever anymore. Right before you turned away and I walked out. Broken.
Some days I still feel broken.
I cry. More than I should. Even though it's been seven years. And he holds me. He wipes my tears away and tells me that he loves me and he just holds me. He doesn't ask anymore why I cry. I think he knows the tears are for you. For us. For the part of my heart that I'm missing.
I hate that he knows, but I can see it in his eyes. His chocolate brown eyes that look at me like I'm a goddess. Those eyes tell me so much. I've seen the look they hold before. I've seen it reflected in your eyes, right after I kissed you and you told me that you loved me and that we would be together forever.
God, that look in his eyes.
He loves me like I love you.
And that's why I'm here, laying in bed with him until he wakes up; pretending I don't think of you.
I promised you forever and I gave you my heart. Somehow that forever ended, but the love I feel never did.
So I don't promise him forever. Or always. I don't tell him I love him with all my heart. I can't bring myself to lie to him. I tell him that I love him with everything I have and that I'll be his for as long as he wants me. And that's true. I won't break his heart by leaving. Even though I know he won't be mine forever.
It can't be enough for him... The little bit I have left to give. He deserves so much more than this. He deserves the kind of love I gave to you. The love that I can't deny and just don't have in me to give again.
So I know he's going to leave. I can see that in his eyes too. But it won't be now.
I should make it easy for him. I should leave and let resentment turn that love he feels to hate. I probably deserve it. I won't though; I can't leave him. I'm selfish and I want that love he gives. It's all I have left.
So, I lay here and I hold back the tears as he finishes getting ready for work. He kisses my forehead and pushes the hair off my face. I can hear the smile in his voice when he says goodbye.
"I love you, Max. See you when I get home."
Once he's gone, I can let the tears fall.
Tears for you, Logan.