Hello people of ! I've written a spoof of Lord of the Flies! Please enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN LORD OF THE FLIES OR ANY OF WILIAM GOLDING'S IDEAS OR CHARACTERS. KAPEESH? GOOD.
Once upon a time there was this nuclear bomb attack thing or whatever in England. The people there hired a random stoner to fill up any random plane possible with a whole bunch of schoolboys and take them anywhere that wasn't England. So the stoner flew the boys out and crashed on a random island everybody knew very well but didn't care about enough to actually find out what was going on there. And for some weird reason the stoner pilot was the only person who died in the crash. This is what happened…
A random, kind of hot blond kid named Ralph wandered around the island. He didn't really care if there were any other kids there, and was too stupid to figure out whether or not he should care about being rescued. All of a sudden a really, really fat kid leapt out of the bushes.
"HI THERE!" he shouted.
"GAH WHAT THE FUCK I DIDN'T THINK WALRUSES LIVED HERE!" Ralph screamed. They both kind of screamed at each other in surprise for about ten minutes.
"Anyways, I'm—"
"Nobody cares."
"But—"
"Sucks to your ass-mar."
"I—"
"Nobody loves you, you fat tub of lard!"
"Hey, for the record, my name's Piggy!" the walrus-looking boy looked kind of hurt.
"Really? Wow, your mother must really fucking hate you!"
"I don't want to talk about it…"
"Well I don't want to hear about it!" Ralph flicked his hair in a sexy fashion and then spotted a gleaming gold thing on the beach.
"Oh look, it's a French horn," Piggy wandered over to it and picked it up.
"Blow on it?" Piggy asked.
"Ew…"
"Stop being a perv and just blow on the god damn horn or I'll shove my glasses down your throat!"
"Really? I thought that was intellect."
"Nope. Specs."
"Huh."
"Anyways, just take it!" Ralph picked up the French horn and blew on it. Several kids wandered over.
"Hi-"
"I'm'"
"Sam-"
"And-"
"I'm-"
"Eric-"
"And-"
"We're-"
"Secretly-"
"One-"
"Person!" Two twins blabbed on. Ralph threw the horn at their head and they collapsed. Nobody really reacted.
"Hey, who are they?" Ralph turned to see a swarm of children in black cloaks coming towards them. They came painfully slowly. At last Ralph could make out a redheaded boy with blue eyes leading the pack. After about two hours they finally made it towards Ralph's group of kids.
"Hi! I'm Jack Merridew! I'm a badass because I can sing C sharp! And nobody else in my choir can!" the redheaded boy smiled at Ralph.
"Wow, you're hot…"
"Really?"
"Yeah. Really, really hot—"
"He's mine!" Piggy stepped between the two boys.
"Move, fatass."
"Hey! My name's Piggy!" Piggy stamped his foot angrily. All of a sudden another hot guy named Simon piped up, "Hey! We should vote for a chief!"
"Yeah okay whatever. I should be chief because I have this badass French horn," Ralph replied.
"No! I won American Idol one year! IT SHOULD BE ME!"
"What's American Idol?"
"Uh…it's some American show!"
"Nobody cares!" a guy hotter than all of the boys combined named Roger shouted. Simon glanced at him, blushed, and looked away because I (Roger. from LOTF. Obsessor) ship Roger/Simon.
"Alright. Let's vote!" Everybody voted for Ralph. Jack kicked a random six-year-old kid in the shin and he started to bleed.
"BLOOD! GAHAHAHA!" Roger cackled. All of a sudden it started to rain. But it wasn't any ordinary rain…it was raining PIE! Roger took a piece of blueberry pie and threw it at the kid.
"I DON'T AGREE WITH THIS FORM OF LEADERSHIP! RALPH'S A TYRANT!" Jack howled.
"No I'm not!" Ralph sobbed.
"I JUST WANT YOUR LOVE!" Jack sobbed and he ran away. All of the kids except for Simon and Piggy and those random twins nobody cares about remained with Ralph.
"ROGER! COME BACK, MY LOVE!" Simon cried out, but it was too late. He sat down and began to sob as Ralph paced the area.
"You know what would be great?" Piggy started
"Nobody fucking cares." Ralph retorted.
"A rescue fire."
"That's retarded."
"You're retarded!" Piggy started sobbing with Simon and he threw his glasses on the ground. One lens broke.
"Sucks to your ass-mar." Ralph glared at Piggy.
"Ow-"
"My-"
"Head-"
"Hurts!" the twins woke up. Ralph picked up the French horn again and repeatedly hit their heads with it. It continued to rain pies. All of a sudden a couple of boys wearing intense makeup headed over towards them. It was secretly Jack and some random kid named Maurice.
"Oh, hey Jack," Ralph greeted them.
"Damn it! I knew I didn't put enough makeup on! Anyways, we're having a party. There'll be karaoke!" Jack said. Ralph shrugged.
"Sure. Wait, where's Simon?" the boy was nowhere to be found.
MEANWHILE
"I'm a rapist!" a pig's head on a stick told Simon.
"And I also foreshadow a lot!"
"WHERE'S ROGER?" Simon cried.
"Oh. I don't know," the head replied. "Get up off your lazy ass and find him yourself." Simon shrugged and headed off.
AT THE PARTY
Ralph and Piggy arrived at Jack's party. There was indeed a karaoke machine, along with three stripper poles and a bar.
"ALWAYS I WANNA BE WITH YOU! AND MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU! AND LIVE AND HARMONY HARMONY OH LOVE!" Jack was signing loudly. As he was singing, he turned to Ralph and winked. Ralph, bored, went to the bar and ordered a dachary from the bartender, who just so happened to be Roger. After about an hour every boy there except Roger was wasted.
"Ralph…I need you," Jack grabbed Ralph and they started making out. Piggy, enraged, tried to separate them, but he was just pushed away by Maurice. All of a sudden Simon came out of nowhere.
"Hey guys, your gross pig's head on a stick is actually a rapist—" everyone except Roger raced over to him and started clawing at him and stabbing him.
"NO! STOP HURTING SIMON!" Roger cried out. The boys chased him over to a cliff and just as he was about to be pushed off he grew wings and flew above them. Everybody except Simon and Roger walked away, unphased. Soon it was just Roger and Simon in the clearing alone.
"SIMON I LOVE YOU!" Roger raced over to him and hugged him. They then proceeded to make out.
The next morning…
"I have a wicked hangover…" Piggy groaned.
"That's wizard, Piggy, truly wizard," Ralph responded.
"Remember last night?" Jack was suddenly right behind Ralph.
"I don't wanna talk about it!" Ralph tensed up. All of a sudden Roger threw a huge boulder at Piggy. He died.
"That was sexiliscious…" Jack gazed up at Roger, unphased by the dead Piggy.
"You whore!" Ralph cried.
"Roger's mine!" Simon leapt in front of the incredibly hot kid and shot lasers out of his eyes. They hit Jack and he stumbled over.
"Oww…"
"PAIN! GAHAHAHA!" Roger cackled. It started to rain pies again.
"What the fuck is going on here?" the kids spun around to see some officer standing there with a sexy looking cruise ship behind him.
"Uh…" the boys were speechless.
"Oh, and in case you didn't know, England's totally fine. You need a ride home?"
"Eh, what the fuck, sure!" the boys boarded the ship and lived happily ever after.
Well? How'd y'all like it? Please review!