Why?
Disclaimer: Not mine
Another view from Rei on Minako's behaviour with her newest lover, enjoy but warning angst.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why! I screamed at myself inside my head as I sat there in the corner of my room alone again. These tears searing hot leave burning trails in their wake as they slide off my cheeks repeatedly, a never ending flow of salty water stinging my eyes and piercing my arms as they splashed down onto my broken form, shaking from the intense raw emotion ripping itself through me I continued to cry, choking back pitiful sobs threatening to tear themselves from my body.
Why? Why do you do this to me? Why do I do this to me? Why can't you let me go? Why can't I let myself let you go? Why the fuck is it me who always has to suffer?! I punched the wall next to me solidly hearing the whimper of the thud and the cries of my grazed knuckles as I kept them clenched forcing the skin to remain taught and causing the shredding of the weakened skin cells giving way to trickles of blood seeping off my hand.
I didn't care this was nothing my physical self can't ever compare to the internal damage of my mind of my soul. My body can heal itself in due time but my soul? My mind? No amount of time would ever heal them, because there's nothing to stop myself from reliving the pain over and over and over and over and…over.
I hate myself do you know that? I hate myself for falling in love with you. I hate myself so much that you will never know what it's like. And I hate myself so much because I left myself so fucking vulnerable to you. To you. You who never thinks about anything you do around me. To you that holds unimaginable power over me. I gave you that fucking power because I left myself get too involved with you. I let myself get in far too deep. Too deep that I can never resurface. Too deep that I've left myself drowning in your shadow.
Do you even know what it feels like? Do you?! No I didn't think you would nothing ever goes wrong in your life and even when it does who fucking is at your beck and call? Me. I am. I am always there for you. Because some insane part of me loves you…still. I don't know why it does but I do. And it kills me seeing you hurt I want to ease that pain of yours that pain you think is so horrible that you think the world isn't worth living because of that stupid glitch in your life.
Laughing bitterly at the thought that you always have someone. You always have someone there to pander to your will. But you can't see it. You don't appreciate anything. Surrounded by so much you can't truly value anything in your life. But I hate myself for helping you. I hate how weak I am to you. I hate that no one is ever here for me. No one understands these psychologically damaging emotions I possess, pumping through every fibre of my being.
Why do I let myself get sucked in by you? Why do I even attempt to befriend you? You enjoy my company for a few seconds before pissing off back to him. You have fun with everyone else and anyone else. Especially him, you hug and stay glued to his side, you hold hands, cuddle, kiss all in public shamelessly in front of everyone. In front of me. And you fucking expect me to be all happy with you? You fucking expect me to forget we ever had anything and be happy for you because you have a fucking boyfriend now? It's disgusting. You're fucking disgusting.
I hate you for toying with me over and over. Like a yo yo I go back and forth at a flick of your wrist performing miracles just to keep you happy. It was never about me. Never ever. It was always you. Even when we were together I only focussed on making you happy. Then again it was never enough was it? I spent the little money I had on you. Trying to make you happy with everything I could and this is how you repay me?
Fucking ripping me to shreds repeatedly every time I see you two together. You just send my further and further back into myself, that I fear that you will break me. Snapping me like a twig carelessly under your foot. Ignoring the sounds of my screaming soul twisted and tortured excruciatingly at your expense.
I don't want to break. I've been through so much. But nothing as difficult as this. And I think this is as much as I can handle. I try to get away from you. I stop talking to you. Not like we talked much anyway. I tried avoiding you. Because only then I could stop myself from getting repeatedly hurt by you. I could stop the way you shrug my presence off to be with him instead. I could permit some time to let me cope.
But no.
Only when I stop paying attention to you. Only then you actively seek me out. Trying to talk to me. Trying to get my attention again. Trying to control everything in your life. Trying to keep your fucking happy life intact. However I hate myself for allowing you to persuade me to give you another chance. That this time you'll make it all better. You'll be a better friend.
Friend. What a disgustingly degrading word. You think after everything we shared. Everything we've ever been through you can just pass me off just as a friend? Oh hell no. There is no fucking way. No fucking way.
How can you even begin to think I would be ok with just being a friend? I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. I want you out of my life. There is no way I am taking this crap. Not from you. You're supposed to know me better than anyone. But you seem to fail in that respect too. Because if you knew me you'd know you are doing more damage by having me in the background in your life. You just want me there. You don't anything to do with me. You just want me there so you can have the security in your life. There's no other fucking reason for pulling me along like some blind fool.
But the thing is…I am a blind fool. Because I still love you. And you know this. You know I love you but you choose him. So what can I do now? I can't get away from you. You won't let me. I don't want to get involved with anyone else any more. I'm too scared they'll just do the same thing to me. People say they'd rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. But I can't help but disagree strongly with that. Their 'love' mustn't have been true love because all these memories of you have turned me bitter and cold. But that doesn't matter to you. As long as you have everything you don't care.
So all I can do is sit here and cry over and over and over and over and over again.
Why? Why you? Why am in love with someone who doesn't feel the same? Why can't I get over this? Why am I so weak? Why am I so stupid?
And I realise with heart wrenching sobs:
That I am in love with you.
I told you it was angst. Please review with your thoughts on this please. - Dark Shadows 01