Nostaglia Wolf II: Electric Boo-galoo
{A squeakquel to the Nostalgia Wolf}
by Smegkara
Chapter 1
Phelan sat on the edge of the bed, eyeing the Colt Python in his hand. "It's really
powerful," he thought. "Especially against living things." He put the barrel in his
mouth, hoping against all hope that this time... this time... BANG!
Phelan sat up. His head, which moments ago had been splattered all over the room
now rested intact on his neck. "Damn it!" He cursed.
"Aw, don't be sad Phelous." He said to himself in Baltard's voice.
"You still have all us Baltards... and me, Sato."
He looked at his bin of Baltards.
"Yeah great." He muttered in his own voice, rolling his eyes.
Suddenly, the phone rang. "I wonder who that could be."
"Phelous, it's me."
"Oh hello, Lupa. How's Brad?"
"Look Phelous, I know you must hate me after all that's happened between us but you
need to listen to me, something terrible has happened. Go to the League of Super
Critics youtube page right now."
Phelan did as she said, clicking on the latest video.
Nostaglia Wolf - 30th anniversary maul
"What? What is this?" Phelan asked himself aloud.
"Helooooo I'm the Nostalgia Wolf, I killed them all so you don't have to."
Chapter 2
Douge awoke from his slumber.
"Oohhh my head... what a nightmare."
He picked himself up off the floor.
"What am I doing here?" He asked himself, looking around the now empty Channel
Awesome offices.
"Where are my pants?"
He was naked except for his trademark hat, coat, and tie.
"No. No, it was all a dream. It had to be."
He ran to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.
He was covered in blood.
"Sweet Santa Christ, No."
He ran back to the abandoned Pop Quiz Hotshot studio and saw the mostly devoured
remains of his former co-workers.
"What have I done?"
He fell to his knee's and wept, but the tears did not last long as a sudden
realization sent a shock through his body.
"THE VIDEO!"
He ran to the late Mike Michaud's office and found the computer still on from the
night before. The web browser was open on a youtube page.
"Upload complete" it read.
"Oh my God." the Critic said, looking at the page.
"I can't beleive it..."
"This video has over 300 views. This is my most viewed video in over a decade."
"This is fucking awesome! THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC IS BACK BABY!"
Chapter 3
"ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR!"
They were coming. The army of the Caliphate. We had welcomed them into Europe with
open arms and now Europe was burning and it was too late to fight back. Muslims
outnumbered whites 5 to 1 now. Benzai baracaded the door then ran to the window,
peeking out, being careful not to be seen. A sea of brown skin, raping and
exploding. Gun shots. Where did they get guns from? The government had banned them
ages ago. Nothing made sense anymore. Even his own wife's son, little Achmed Bin
Mohammed whom he had raised as if he were his own, turned on him when the Caliph,
Barack Hussein Obama gave the order.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
They were at his door now.
Bang! Bang! Crack!
They were breaking the door down.
"ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR!"
The rape gang flooded into his room. Flies buzzing around their putrid stench.
His wife's son, Achmed Bin Mohammed, leading the charge.
He tensed as the cocks entered his ass. First one. Then many. All thrusthing at
different rhythms.
He felt shame as the intense stimulation of his prostate caused him to ejaculate
involuntarily.
The last thing he felt was the cold steel blade pressed against his throat as they
sliced his head off, stuffing his own genitals, which they had already removed into
his mouth as a final insult.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Benzai woke up screaming.
His bed was soaked with sweat and semen.
He'd had the same dream every night for the last ten years, ever since France fell.
He'd been one of the lucky ones. He'd escaped with only minor anal tears,
relocating to Quebec with the other French refugees.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Am I still dreaming?" he though, in French.
Slowly. Cautiously. Not making a sound.
Benzai crept to the front door and looked out the peephole.
It was Phelous.
He opened the door.
"Pheloous my friend. What are yoou dooing herre? It's three in the morning. Why
aree yoou here? Why are you wearing your Barry Burton costume?"
"Benzai! Take A Look At This!"
Phelan held up the veiw screen before Benzai's eye.
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm the Nostalgia Wolf. I killed them all so you
don't have to."
"What izz this Pheloous?"
"It's Douge, Benzai. He's a fucking werewolf."
"O Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
Chapter 4
Chicago. 6:30 AM.
Detective Rob Walker sat up at his desk looking over unsolved case files.
A cigarette hanging from his mouth.
He's been up all night chain smoking, dowing caffine pills with the shitty police
station coffee.
He'd been a devoted cop for 15 years now. Every since Mike Michaud forced him out
of Channel Awesome. He knew it wasn't really about the budget cuts. It was power
play. Purely a symbolic gesture. If Douge would allow Mike to fire his own brother,
then it meant Mike really was in charge. With that final capitulation the old
ThatGuyWithTheGlasses was truely forever dead, cementing the tyranny of Channel
Awesome for all time.
That was long behind him now. The old days of TGWTG seemed like some distant dream
now. He held no grudges. He loved being a cop.
He got a lot more pussy now anyway.
"WALKEEEEEEEEEERRR! IN MY OFFICE NOW!"
"What is it this time Cheif?"
"We've got an explosive situation here, Walker. There's a werewolf in my city."
"There've always been werewolves in Chicago, cheif."
"In the outskirts of Chicago, Walker. Not in the city proper."
"Oh come on. I put one down in Millenium Park last week. They get into the city all
the time."
"Not like this Walker. Sure, an occasional werewold may sneak into the city but
it's easily covered up as a stinky hairy mudslime. We never had a werewolf put out
a god damn internet video before. You tell me how in the good god damn we're
supposed to cover this up?"
The cheif turned the veiw screen monitor on his desk around for Rob to see.
"Hellooooooooooooo I'm the Nostalgia Wolf. I killed them all so you don't have to."
Rob couldn't beleive his eyes.
"Nostalgia Wolf: 30th Anniversay Maul Rus Sub?"
"Look familiar?"
"Douge, it can't be."
"He's been putting these god damn videos out for months now. It's a wonder nobody's
noticed outside of a small handful of devoted Russian translators. He's been
uploading a video every week for the last 3 months. He's already got a dozen of
these nostalgic review and murder videos. Between all of them he's gotten nearly
400 veiws.
This is unnacceptable.
Now look Rob, you're a good cop, but I can't have word getting around that one of
my officers is brother to a god damned werewolf. I can't have it. The mayor is up
my ass as it is. I'm giving you 48 hours to find him and put him down. After that
it's your badge.
Chapter 5
Three months had gone by since the Nostalgia Wolf uploaded his debut video.
Enough time for Phelous and Benzai to get through the screening process required to
cross the Canadian border into the U.S.
Benzai had nearly been refused entry after his wife's son's name came up on a
background check, but the border agents took pity on the exhiled Frenchman when he
started crying during the rectal examination.
"Torn assholes heal, but ze emotional pain never goes away."
They had just boarded the transport unit module which would take them to Chicago
where they would be meeting Brad and Lupa. The shuttle craft was preparing for
takeoff, but something wasn't right.
The craft started to rumble. There was a smell of electricity in the air. Suddenly
the power cut out.
"What ze?!"
Benzai looked around and realized no one else on the ship was moving. It was as
though they were all frozen today.
He grabbed Phelous by the shoulders and gave him a shake.
"Wake up Pheloous! Wake up! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART PHELOOUS!"
"AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"Zat laugh. It can't be."
"OF COURSE! Who else but I could sodomize hypertime so thusly?!"
In a puff of smoke, there before Benzai stood Dr. Insano.
"Dr. Insano! It cannot be. Ze Spoony one is long dead. I must be dreaming again."
"Oh no you faggoty frog. I'm real enough. Search your feelings, you know it to be
true."
"Linkara always said fictional characters were real."
"Linkara was a wiser man than anyone in this backwater universe could ever realize.
HOWEVER! In this instance he was dead wrong. No, I'm not a work of fiction. My
universe's Spoony still lives and my existence is still very much dependant on his.
That's why I'm hear, Ben-gay. For him!"
Dr. Insano thrusted out his long gloved finger.
Benzai's asshole tensed.
"Pheloous? What do you want with Pheloous?"
"'Fay-loose' is my ticket to immortality. The Spoonies of this and countless other
universes have passed away and with them, their Dr. Insano's. Sooner or later my
universe's Spoony will die too and when he does I will die with him. I have
searched all over the multiverse for an immortal being to study and your Phelous is
the greatest specimin I could find. In fact he was the only specimen I could find.
I shall take your Phelous to my universe's Spoony's parent's house and perform
SCIENCE on him, no doubt ensuring my own immortality."
"Why my Pheloous? Why not use your own Pheloous?"
"Why you stupid wine soaked cheese brain. Have you got bagguette crumbs in your
ears? I just told you. You're Phelous is the only immartal I could find. All the
other Phelouses only die and come back as a joke in their videos. Your Phelous is
the only one who actually can't die."
"Please Dr. Insano. We need Pheloous right now. Douge has turned into a werewolf
and we need to stop him."
"Wait seriously? That's weird. But not my problem. Adios froggy!"
*POOF!*
Dr. Insano threw a smoke bomb on the floor which sent out a plume of smoke in which
he vanished. The smoke flooded Benzais lungs and clouded his vision. All he could
see was blackness.
Benzai woke up on the transport module ship. They had just landed in Chicago.
"Oh thank goodness. It was only the bad dream."
Benzai looked to the seat next to him.
Phelous was gone.
"O Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."
Chapter 6
Brad and Lupa were there to greet Benzai as he got off the futuristic transport
ship module.
"Heya Benny," said Brad, "Where's Phelous?"
"You never beleive what happened. We were on the transport ship module when
suddenly time froze. I was frozen today! Dr. Insano appeared out of nowhere and
stole Phelous away to another dimension for some sort of science project. Oh eet's
terrible."
"Wow man, sounds like you've been drinking a little too much crystal pepsi."
"That's too bad that Phelous couldn't make it Benzai."
Lupa walked up to Benzai and ran her hand across his crotch.
"I was hoping to do you both."
Lupa gave Benzai a long french kiss, pulling him close.
After a few moments Benzai pulled away.
"Lupa, what are you dooing? I thought you and Brad were together?!"
"It's okay buddy." said Brad. "We've been in an open relationship for years now. It
kinda turns me on to watch."
"Jesuus!"
Lupa reached down Benzais pants and stroked his cock.
"I've never had one uncircumsized before."
"That's not true."
"Brad, shut up oh my god."
"heh."
"C'mon Benzai, what do you say we go back to our place and I fuck your brains out."
Benzai smiled.
"Okaay!"
Chapter 7
When they got back to their house Lupa immediately tore off her clothes then tore
off Benzais. She pushed him toward the bedroom and began riding him.
"Oh yeah, oh yeah. Fuck me. Fuck me you french peice of shit. You fucking white
male. Gimme that cum. I need it."
"Oh yeah baby. That feels so gooud."
"Oh yeah. Oh yeah FUCK. Fuck I'm gonna cum."
As Lupa writhed in orgasm, she reached around and dug two fingers up Benzai's anus.
Benzai immediatley ejaculated, then rolled over and began crying.
"Are you okay baby?" Lupa asked?
"I'm fine. I just... I don't like being touched there."
"Aw, I'm sorry sweetie. Is this better?"
Lupa began nibbling on his ear.
"mmm. yes. zat feels gooud."
She began to nibble lower and lower down to his neck.
Benzai felt a pinch.
"OWCH! WHAT ZE FUCK."
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssss..."
Lupa hissed at Benzai, revealing two gleaming fangs. Blood ran down from her mouth.
"Oh Owchie. You bit me Lupa. I can't beleive zis... what the hell are you?!"
Brad stepped out from the corner where he had been hiding in the shadows.
"Brad? Have you been there this whole time?"
"Heh, 'fraid so buddy. You mind if I eat the cream pie?"
"You can eat whatever you want, just tell me what ze fuck is going on!"
"Well buddy, we're vampires. When we heard Douge was a werewolf we new the only way
we could stop him was to become vampires. Plus we saw the boost he got in views and
thought this might help. Sorry we had to trick you like this but we didn't think
you'd go along with it, and Lupa does have an insatiable sexual appetite as well as
an appetite for blood."
"O-M-G Brad, shut up."
"heh. Anyway Benny boy, you've already been bitten so you've only got two choices.
Either ya die or you drink the blood of our vampire queen and join us, damned for
all eternity. What do you say?"
"I do not know! I am so confused. I guess I have no choice. I don't want to die."
"Good. Follow me."
Brad led Benzai down a long stone corridor, down a long stone sprial starway, into
a long stone basement lit with candles.
Lupa followed, still naked. She hung on Benzai. Licking him and stroking his semi
hard penis.
Finally they had reached the lair of the vampire queen.
Benzai stood in awe.
"Goot effening. I am zee Maven of zee eventide."
Chapter 8
Detective Rob Walker stood infront of the futuristic pay phone across the street
from the police station. He knew it was a long shot. "After all these years there
was no reason *he* should help me now." he thought. But he needed all the help he
could get so he swallowed his pride and dropped 2 Trump coins into the slot.
Paul Latza sat in his office located on the top floor of Cinderella's castle
overlooking the magic kingdom. He had served 3 years as vice president, and another
5 as president after the globalist Jews finally assassinated President Trump for
exposing them to the goyim. Latza's first act as President was to nuke Israel.
The American people had begged him to run for a second term, but he knew he could
do more good by returning to work as the CEO of the Walt Disney Corporation. Since
then he had been responsible for a series of corporate mergers and acquistions
which had made Disney the most powerful super-corporation in the galaxy. Far more
powerful than any government, including the United States and China. They held the
water rights for all the world's oceans and atmosphere.
"Mr. Latza, you have a phone call on line 3. He says he's a police officer."
"Thank you Miss Fluttershy, I'll take the call."
He picked up the phone.
"Paul Latza speaking"
"Paul, it's Rob. Rob Walker."
"Oh hello Rob. What can I do for you?"
"Listen Paul, you know I wouldn't call you if it wasn't important. It's Douge,
Paul. Douge is a werewolf."
"Oh I'm aware Rob."
"You are?"
"Of course. What is it you want?"
"Look, Latza. I know we never treated you right. But I also know that you love
Douge with all your heart. You have to help him. There's got to be some way of
helping him. Help me help him Latza. Please."
"Oh Rob. You and your brother never had any love for me. When I was at my lowest,
you ignored me, shunned me. Now I'm the most powerful man in the world and you come
to me begging for my help."
"Please Paul, I'm begging for you."
"Rob, I hold no ill will toward you or your brother. I wish you the best of luck
with your situation but there's nothing I can do for you. Disney corp. holds the
patents to cures for numerous diseases, but werewolfism is not one of them. The
only cure for werewolfism is death. I'm sorry Rob but there's nothing we can do for
him now. The Nostalgia Critic is a werewolf now. I have to go now Rob. I have an
appointment."
Rob hung up the phone. He fell to his knees and sobbed.
"Mr. Latza, your eleven o'clock is here."
"Thank you Miss Fluttershy. Send Mr. Rolfe in."
James Rolfe, formerly the Angry Nintendo Nerd, entered the palacial office, looking
around in awe at the ornate decor.
"James, welcome. I'm glad you could make it."
"I want to thank you for this opportunity Mr. Latza."
"James, please, call me Paul."
"Thanks... Paul."
"No need to thank me James. I should be thanking you. You've won more oscars for
this studio than any other director of the past twenty years. The money we made off
of Assholeless: Night of the Vampire helped keep this stuio afloat after the Marvel
Star Wars crash of 2029."
"Assholeless was a great one, wasn't it?"
"Indeed. And now James, I'd like to offer you a project. It's sort of my dream
project. I'm sure you've heard the news about Douge."
"Douge who?"
"Douge Walker"
"Dog walker? You want me to walk your dogs?"
"No, James. Come on. Douge Walker. The Nostalgia Critic."
"Oh that guy. Jeeze I haven't thought about him in twenty years. What's he up to?"
"I'm sorry to say he's a god damned werewolf. A spawn of satan. I had hoped to
involve him in this project but sad to say Disney Corp. can't be seen to be
involved with undead hell spawn. Not publicly anyway."
"Damn. So what's the project?"
"I want you to direct a remake of Kickassia."
"A remake of what?"
"Kickassia! The Nostalgia Critc movie with all the That Guy With The Glasses
regulars. You were in it. You played Board James."
"Oh yeah, that little anniversary video thing they made. I sorta remember shooting
a Board James cameo for that."
"James, I'll level with you. I'm a very powerful but even with all my great
accomplishments I am filled with regret that I never got to live out my one true
dream of becoming a That Guy With The Glasses reveiwer. I want to remake Kickassia
and I want you to dirrect it. I would consider this a personal favor to me, Paul
Latza."
"I'll do it Mr. Latza... oh um I mean, Paul."
"Thank you James. You'll be on Jimmy Fallon tonight to promote the project."
Epilogue:
The Nostalgia Critic lounged on the futon in the abandoned Channel Awesome offices
where he had taken up residence. He was browsing youtube when he saw it.
James Rolfe Talks Kickassia Reboot[Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon]
He clicked on the video. As he watched the clouds began to part revealing the full
moon. Douge was transforming now into the wolf... the Nostalgia Wolf.
He tore off his clothes, except for his trademark coat, tie, cap, and glasses and
ran off into the night in search of blood.
He howled into the night. His howls carried on throughout all of Chicago.
They all heard it.
Rob in the police station.
Benzai, Brad and Lupa in their house.
Even Phelous and Dr. Insano in a parallel dimension could hear the cry of the
Nostalgia Wolf as he howled.
"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDD!"
To be continued...