Always

Lady Wolfy

James/Lily Oneshot

The first time Lily had sex, it was not what she expected. Not that she had high expectations – she knew it would hurt, she knew it would be awkward, and she was positive that she wouldn't be remotely good at it… but when she finally did shag a bloke it was more than awkward. It was just bad. The event was composed of oops's and I'm sorry's and oh fuck, what was that?'s.

She didn't have the heart to break up with George after it happened, (after they had stumbled out of the room separately - flustered, sweaty, and awkward) because she knew that he would automatically think the worst of her, but when he dumped her…? Well, the "Tiger-Lily" in her had to come out (as she had privately named her inner-bitch) and then James knew.

It was nothing he did or said to her, but when her outburst during breakfast caught the attention of the leading Marauder, Lily felt the look he gave her. Concern, approval, and anxiety all seemed to flicker across his face like a fast moving telly. Lily had lifted her chin, challenge in her eyes, and James had briefly nodded before turning away.

Somehow, he knew. He knew Lily and knew at that point that his dear "Lily flower" had been plucked by an unworthy individual. Lily knew that he knew because later, when George had been found bloodied and confused in a broom closet, James had not reacted. When asked how he did it, he said nothing. He did not gloat nor did he admit to anything at all. He received no detention, and Lily had no idea how to feel.

Embarrassed maybe? She questioned herself that night, lying in her four poster bed staring out the window while her friends slept away. She knew, if things had been different, she would have been furious with James and demanded justice. But his look was haunting her. Every time she closed her eyes, his own hazel ones were staring at her with that disarming expression. She wanted to ask herself why. He was a bully. He harassed her and thought himself to be the second Merlin, for fuck's sake. He was a toerag. Absolutely nothing in her wanted to feel even remotely pleasant about him. Yet his look – with those fucking gorgeous eyes – stayed with her. She wondered if that should mean something.

Weeks passed and she continued to wonder. Things went back to normal (as normal as things could be at Hogwarts) and everyone seemed unaffected by the events. James went back to pulling ridiculous pranks with his delinquent friends, and George went back to being the pretentious Ravenclaw boy that leered at Lily with his friends in Herbology. Lily, however, did not go back to being the snobby Gryffindor that flirted obnoxiously and taunted James. She was different. Some would say it was because she gave her virginity to a selfish asshole, but that wasn't it. It was James Potter and his bloody eyes. Lily wasn't in love or anything, but the memory of that look was making her itch. She was getting frustrated, and while her friends patted her back and called George every bad word they knew, Lily would find James sitting at the other end of the Gryffindor table, eyes lit up as he guffawed at something Sirius had said. And some unknowable thing in her chest would squeeze, and she would feel light and good and whole. This, of course, was usually followed by a huff, a glower, and a stalking off in a different direction to mentally torture herself some more.

The sad part was her denial. She knew she was acting strangely and drawing the attention of her peers – ("James called her out on something and she just SMILED?") but she didn't care. She never admitted aloud that she had any feelings for James Potter other than her general loathing of him, and even then privately she never actually thought the words "I like James." She would say his name to herself, fantasize, and picture actually being with him… But she would never admit to anyone in the world that she had been wrong about him, most of all to herself. Unfortunately, this did not stop her from thinking about him incessantly and wondering what certain actions involving him would be like. A million different times she contemplated confronting James Potter, and a million different times she imagined it ending with messy hair and swollen lips. At night her contemplations were at their worst, and sometimes she couldn't help but slip a pale hand into her panties and whisper the words of a silencing charm. His name fell from her lips when she was spent, and only then would she sleep – emptied, disheartened.

But then it happened. During Herbology the next morning George left her a note – "Astronomy tower, usual time –G" and Lily didn't know what to feel; but she found herself lifting her head, her eyes moving to a pair of helpless hazel ones that had already found hers.

That night, Lily found herself making her way to the astronomy tower, heartbeat erratic and head aching lightly. She wasn't excited, but she definitely felt slightly nauseous at the idea of snogging George. He wasn't a bad kisser, but if she remembered correctly he didn't fill her with longing or keep her up at night with lustful thoughts. He was someone she had found comfort in simply because he was a constant in her life. When he broke up with her, she found that it hadn't hurt all that much – she felt used and inadequate, sure, but being distanced from George himself had never brought Lily any true grief.

So when she met up with him on the astronomy tower, the sight of his mud brown eyes and dusky blond hair only made her feel slightly weary.

"Hey," she ventured, narrowing her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Hello," he drawled, eyes taking her in. Lily frowned.

"Did you have something you wanted to talk about?" Lily asked, tightening her arms. It was chilly.

"Come on, Lily, don't play coy…" George approached her, and when she felt his breath hit her cheek Lily tried to relax, tried to want it – but then something went wrong, and a panic gripped her so suddenly that she almost fell over. George's mouth was on hers out of nowhere – messy, careless, wrong – and Lily felt herself shoving him away and wiping her mouth furiously.

"What the bloody hell was that?" She demanded, backing away. Instead of looking apologetic, though, George just looked annoyed.

"Come on Lily - if this isn't what you want then why did you come here in the first place?" It was an excellent question really, and it defused Lily for a moment. She stood there, arms going limp at her sides as she opened her mouth, verbally floundering like a fish out of water.

"I, uh – " and then his mouth was back, tongue filling her mouth like something slimy and unwanted, and Lily felt like throwing up. She shoved him again, but George was ready and clung to her. Lily let her "Tiger-Lily" out once more though, and her knee connected with his groin, and when he went down Lily was gone.

It took her several flights of stairs and a few corridors before the tears caught up with her, and when they finally did she couldn't seem to control them at all. Streaking down her flushed face, they choked her, and she felt shameful and dirty. Eventually she gave up making it to the Gryffindor tower, and she leaned back against a wall, letting herself cry. It was just late enough for her to be sure that no one would see her.

And then, naturally because her life was like that, someone did. Lily didn't look up as she felt a protective arm wrap around her, because she couldn't bring herself to care anyway.

"Lily," the person touching her said, and she found herself crying harder, because all of a sudden she did care and caring hurt more than not caring.

"Go away," she mumbled throatily, because it was bloody James Potter, the one and fucking only, and she couldn't stand the idea of him seeing her cry with her clothes rumpled and hair mussed and face looking like the underside of a –

"No. Look at me, please?" Lily looked up, disgusted with herself, and sniffed pathetically. James Potter's gorgeous hazel eyes were staring into her big ugly green ones, and his arm felt so nice and he was smiling so softly that Lily felt everything else just melt away.

"Tell me what happened?" he asked her, and Lily found herself snuggling closer, hiding her face in his shoulder.

"No." James sighed, and she felt his lips against the crown of her head for just a moment. She gasped softly at the contact, squeezing her eyes shut as she attempted to hold onto that touch. She couldn't have been more pathetic.

"I can leave you alone if you want," he offered quietly. "You just looked like you needed someone."

"It's okay." Lily turned her head, still resting on James's shoulder, her eyes moving to the opposite wall. "What were you doing down here?"

"Oh, you know… a little of this, a little of that." James laughed softly, and there were traces of guilt laced into the laugh, but Lily decided to not notice it. She didn't want to know. "Are you mad at me for beating up Lankton?" Lankton was George's last name.

"That was you?" Lily attempted to say lightly, but the mentioning of his name set her off again, and the tears began to slip down her face again.

"It was him, wasn't it," James's arm tightened around her.

"Nothing happened, James," Lily felt herself move away, tears gone again, eyes wide. She stood up, looking at James as if she were seeing him for the first time. James stood up too, quickly – a piece of old parchment fell out of his robes. Lily barely glanced at it. She was suddenly much more aware of her surroundings, more aware of James; more aware of the dried tears on her face. She was backing away, and James was reaching for her, eyebrows scrunched together and eyes pleading. Lily refused to look into them. He was speaking to her but she heard no words.

"I have to go," she whispered, shaking her head before spinning around. She ran down the corridor, suddenly too embarrassed and overwhelmed to stay with him any longer.

"But you called me James!" James yelled to her, though he had no idea what he meant by it, and Lily was already too far away to hear him anyway. He bent down to retrieve the parchment, eyes suddenly deadly as he examined its contents.

XxX

Later on in the week, when George was found even more bloodied than before, James was given only a handful of detentions for reasons no one knew. Lily was still confused, but now she felt different. Whole. Relieved. He would always look out for her, and he would always be the one to protect her.

Hope you liked it, end of 6th year BTW ;)

-LW