This feeling of nothingness was a red hot searing pain and yes I felt it. As incomprehensible as that is for me. Me to feel pain. All my existence I have wished I could feel and now this void, this insurmountable emptiness would be as close as I would get. I let out another wailing, primal scream!! The forest shrank away from me. The animals were long gone and now it was as if the trees themselves retreated from my fury. This was not the first anguished guttural sound to escape my lips tonight and I knew it would not be the last. AHHHHHHH!!!! The rage, the fury. I lay back in the dense undergrowth and looked up through the trees. I could just see a patch of midnight sky. Was it midnight? I have lost all track of time. For once I am not even sure where I am. I don't even know who I am. I am a freak, a monster, a coward. I am all these things and I am nothing. Nothing now. No will. No desire. No joy. No pain. Many have said through the years that I could feel none of these emotions anyway but now I know what I am capable of. I have felt the perfection of true love and this is the strongest of joys and the sharpest of pains.
I see the stars appear as the clouds shift out of the way. Bella's stars. Yes she reminded me of the beauty of night. I used to dread the time after twilight as all it would mean is another day of my existence. Bella changed that. Bella changed everything.
AHHHHHH!!!!!
To think her name burns like a scorching heat. My venom soaking my mouth to remind me of the monster I am. To feel her lips to mine, to just feel the heat of her body. AHHHHH!!! The sound rips through my throat and adds to the burn. Could I think of her non-stop. Would that alone be enough to engulf me in flames. Oh how I could pray that I would burn a fiery death, right here, right now. Without her I am nothing. Without her, life has no meaning. Would my prayers be answered? Who am I praying too? These thoughts racing by in a mind ravaged with fleeting visions of what is real and what are nightmares.
Floating out there I catch glimpses of past conversations with Carlisle. He would tell me to pray. He would want me to do whatever I had to do. I couldn't believe as he did, I don't have the strength.
Did I leave her alone in the forest? Was that me or the monster? I remember watching her, hearing her cry out my name. My name from her lips was always ecstasy to me, sweet honey dripping from those perfect pink lips and now it was blinding. She had to know this was right. She had to see that I was the stronger one. She had to see. She could lead a good life, my Bella. My Bella. AHHHHHHH!
I looked up into the sky. Could I be so lucky as to receive my death right now. I can't hold on any longer. If I lay here forever I could just starve myself to death. Forever in this unnameable forest like a stone to be unearthed.... never. If only a freak of nature would happen, a sudden forest fire, an asteroid hurtling from outer space, anything that would sear me into non-existence. I had to die. I must die. I refuse to live without her. How did I think I could do this? What am I doing?
I am doing what is right. What is right for Bella. Bella, my sweet Bella. The thought of her sent new waves of pain, racking my stone body with agony and emptiness I could not comprehend. What will she do? How long will it take her to find the right person for her. AHHHHH! My body is tortured more and my mind reels at the thought of it but this is the way it should be. I should have never let it get this far. I knew better and she will see it too one day as I am sure she wondered if she was doing the right thing. I am sure she was just as dazzled as every other human and she would see, she would see me for the monster I truly am. I must stay away, forever. I must die, it's the only way now.
My thoughts stray for a moment back to the forest I left her in, so far away now. I watched as she wandered, I watched as she would not give up the thought of finding me. I saw her collapse into a ball. She would see, this is the right thing. I hope the note I left for Charlie would be enough. No-- I'm sure he will find her. When I could bear it no longer, that's when I had run. I ran, I ran with a fury and a determination not to look back. A clean break is what she needed to be rid of me. I ran as fast as I could and as long as my will would take me. My body would have kept on as long as I needed, never tiring, never easing up. My will is what made me stop, my will to live is extinguished. Burned out, gone. My will had always been listless. I ventured through this non-life day by day never caring too much about anything except my family. My family. This would hurt them deeply but they would understand. They are the only ones who knew how little I ever felt. They were the ones that saw Bella truly bring me to life. They were the ones that would also know she had brought me death too.
Could I do this to them? Do what really? How can I possibly die now. I want to leave this world behind forever, but how. How do you kill a monster like me. No, there will be no prayer answered here. I will have to look for my answers in hell. In the hell my kind has always been meant for. I will see the Volturi. My own personal administers of hell here on earth. But what of Aro? He will surely read my thoughts and then he will know of my dear, sweet Bella. Bella. Bella. AHHHHHH!!!! I can't stop myself, the rage in me burns. How do I get out of this hell. This hell I have created for myself. Yes, that was the worst. I did this. I deserved to be in agony.
My mind will not stop. I could lay here forever but my mind will never cease. Never release me from this torture. I must find the will to seek out a distraction. I need to hunt. My thoughts strayed to the human, Lonnie. Yes I could seek him out and unleash my fury. I know Carlisle did the right thing by getting him locked away but nothing could keep me out when I decided to kill him. Yes, he deserved it and I needed the distraction. The monster is alive in me now, no need to repress it further. I am all those things I warned her about and if I let the monster out now it would keep me from ever going back. I would become the thing she would hate the most because surely beyond death, that is the only thing I could do to stay away. I will become something she could never love and let my anger burn away the life I had hoped for.