Title: Allowing (written 1999/2000)
Author: Miss Lola D, once K.M. Lehr
Rating: PG (a few naughty words)
Spoilers: "En Ami," in a big way. Also FTF, pilot, Irresistible.
Disclaimer: CC. 1013. Fox. Gilly. Dave. They own. I don't. Don't sue.

"...You won't allow yourself to love him."

Astute observation, Mr. Spender.

You're just trying to win my trust, I know. You're going to use me eventually. But I have to hand it to you, you know exactly which buttons to push. Yes, I know I won't allow myself to love him. Him who? Why, Mulder, of course. I'll trust him with everything, but I won't trust myself. Ironic, really.

And what about you? You're dying, you told me so yourself. Am I to believe that you won't benefit from any of this? You can't possibly just be trying to set things right. I know you too well for that. Yet here I am, even lying to the one man you claim I love, because you dangled something enticing before my face. You say it's a cure for cancer. I say I shouldn't be here, and you're damned lucky I am.

I saw the scar at the back of the boy's neck. I've got one too. I knew then that you were in this somehow, and the fact that you were right there in the car confirmed it. So what do you want? Did you use the boy, too, just to get me here with you? Well, you got me. Do what you want.

But do not believe for one second that I trust you. Trust is something I don't give anyone without just cause. I only trust a handful of people. My family. Skinner, when he's not working for you. The Lone Gunmen, who I'm sure you know exist, but you look the other way. Mulder, always. Just not with my heart, as you have observed. You're not on that list, and it'll take more than the few months you have left to get on it.

Mulder, now, he's been on the list since I met him. You're wrong about that, too, you know, that I originally didn't. On our first case, he proved himself, when I rushed into the room half-naked. He didn't try anything, just sat down and told me the story of a little girl named Samantha and her brother Fox. One got taken. One got away. The one that got taken, we would later learn, was dead by 1980. The one that got away, his soul was dead for the longest time. I would learn nothing more that was significant for some time, until the first encounter with Donnie Pfaster. I didn't want to show weakness to him. He saw through the facade, and just when I thought I was fine, he tips my chin back, looking me over, and I lose it. I try to stand there proudly but alas, I fail. It was then that I knew I didn't just consider him a partner.

Over the years we've seen so much. We saw the operation in Texas, you know, with the bees that nearly got me killed? By the way, the reason nothing more is between Mulder and I right now is one of those bees. The damn thing got in my collar and stung me when our lips were millimeters apart. So really, part of the reason that I won't allow myself to love him is your fault. For that and for everything else, you owe us.

At the next stop, at a gas station, I've got a tape to send him, with your words on it. "You won't allow yourself to love him." And I won't confirm or deny anything. You and your friends taught me a few lessons, you know, and "deny everything" was one of them. But I will tell you this: just before I send it, I'm going to let Mulder know that I'm fine. And who knows; maybe, just maybe, I'll whisper that the words aren't true.