Notes

You recognise some parts? It's normal, some of the dialogues were taken from The Attack of the Clones movie ;)

Beyond this: not mine, no beta, no money made from this or any other fanwork of mine, cover image found somewhere on the internet and not mine either, thanks Fey for our many discussions because none of these Star Wars story would have seen the light of the day without them.

A small warning before you delve in: I am not focusing on Anakin's best personality traits in this chapter.

Tray in hands, Padmé carefully navigated down the stairs leading to the room Anakin had holed himself into ever since he had come back with his mother's body. She took a few moments to blink against the sudden darkness compared to the blinding luminosity of the desert outside and to savor the natural coolness of the underground room before turning in Ani's direction.

"I brought you something. Are you hungry?" she asked tentatively.

"The shifter broke," Anakin answered in a toneless voice, turning empty eyes in her direction. "Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things. I'm good at fixing things. Always was. But I couldn't…" he interrupted himself and rage seemed to fill him in an instant.

"Why'd she have to die? Why couldn't I save her? I know I could have!"

Padmé successfully held back a flinch at the onslaught of violence permeating his words, though she couldn't help her hands reflexively tightening on the tray. She took time to delicately put it down on the closest available surface before taking a step in her friend's direction.

"Sometimes there are things no one can fix," she said in her most soothing tone. "You're not all-powerful, Ani."

"Well, I should be! Someday I will be. I will be the most powerful Jedi ever! I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying."

"Anakin."

For once, she couldn't find her words though they usually came easy to her. The fervor, the deep seated desire for power Anakin was expressing and that she could see reflected in the mad glint in his eyes were unsettling her. She had been expecting grief, not this.

Anakin's usually handsome features twisted into a grimace full of bitter hatred.

"It's all Obi-Wan's fault!" he exploded. "He's jealous! He's holding me back!"

He threw the small power cell he held across the room. Though hit a wall far away from her, the sound of the small object crashing on the wall and clattering on the ground sent chills down her spine. The sound echoed in her mind and gained in strength, filling her ears until all she could hear was the sound of her ship exploding, the pained cry of one of the pilots, the gasp of Cordé's last breath. A sob echoed the one she was desperately trying to swallow and she opened eyes she hadn't been aware she had scrunched closed.

Blinking against the bright dots filling her vision, it took her a few seconds to recognise the sound as coming from Anakin, who was now hunched on himself, his back to her.

"What's wrong, Ani?"

She hadn't realized Cordé's death had affected him so much. Oh. Wait. No. The heat, the blindingly white wall. This wasn't coruscant, nor was it Naboo. They were on Tatooine.

She could have hit herself. She had let herself be distracted. She had lost sight of the 'here and now' as she had once heard Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn warn Obi-Wan against, on a ship travelling towards the same planet she was currently on, what seemed like a lifetime ago.

Except she couldn't help but feel that something was amiss, that his anger wasn't only due to the tragic loss of his mother. Blaming Obi-Wan seemed to be his way of coping with any emotionally challenging situation, he had done little else every time he was faced with a difficulty since she had met him again, so this didn't seem to be an unusual behavior for him. On the other hand, the depth of his anger in reaction to the death of his mother was unexpected. She dreaded knowing what could have happened to put this emotion to the forefront of his mind, delaying the arrival of the expected grief until now.

Anakin straightened his back, still facing the wall, and she prepared to offer him comfort and reassurances to help him through this bleak time in his life. She knew loss intimately, had experienced it herself again only a few weeks ago. Perhaps they could mourn together and come out stronger from it.

"I–, I killed them."

No.

"I killed them all."

She had misheard.

"They're dead, every single one of them."

He turned to face her and plunged his eyes in hers, a defiant tilt to his chin and blind to her growing horror or to the tremors in her hands she couldn't repress. She clenched her palms together and linked her fingers so he wouldn't notice while he took a step towards her, and then another, until he was within arm's reach of her, towering above her. "And not just the men, but the women, and the children too."

A savage light was shining in his eyes and his tone was acquiring a gleeful edge. She took a step back. And then another. She didn't want to hear this. This couldn't have happened. This was the sorrow talking, Anakin was lying.

"They're like animals and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!"

Anakin exhaled at the same time Padmé's back hit the wall. She couldn't retreat further away from him and the door was too far away. 'Milady, I'm so sorry,' her mind whispered to her as she was once again consumed by helplessness and terror.

She watched with bated breath and trembling muscles as the tension seemed to drain from Ani's body before he flopped gracelessly onto the ground. After a few tense heartbeats, she managed to force her own body to obey her again and she closed the distance between them to kneel beside him. She willed her uncontrollable trembling to cease, she could not show weakness, only understanding, only kindness, as though he were a cornered savage animal. He cared for her, he wouldn't hurt her, she tried to reassure herself though she couldn't shake the doubt that yes, he could if he wanted to.

She shook the thought away and placed a light hand on Anakin's shoulder.

'Careful,' she told herself, scrambling to come up with anything she could say to make him calm down for good. 'Go slow. He needs to see the hand coming, you cannot afford to startle him.'

"To be angry is to be human." The words left her mouth without her accord. Where had they come from? Anger was a human feeling, yes, but Anakin had just admitted to having murdered an entire tribe of desert dwellers! Was this all that amounted of her backbone? She shouldn't be enabling him.

"I'm a Jedi," she heard him say through the shock that had stilled her mind. She dared breath a sigh of relief and sagged on his shoulder, sliding her arm around it to hug and comfort him. Yet, she could detect no sorrow in his voice, only a mild disappointment. "I know I'm better than this."

'Milady, I'm so sorry,' her mind whispered again, 'I've failed you, Senator.' Padmé choked through a sob, desperately wishing she was back with her handmaidens, safe with them. She made sure her touch was featherlight as she moved her fingers to card them through Anakin's short hair.

Cordé had never failed her. Padmé had. And she would make sure to be worth her sacrifice.

.

Shmi's funeral was simple, but this didn't make it any less heartbreaking.

Padmé had spent the night walking on eggshells around Anakin and his mercurial moods, terrified of inadvertently triggering one, yet not daring to leave him alone when her presence had seemed to appease him so much. After a few hours, of him clinging to her side, he had begun to whisper delirious possessive promises about keeping her safe from harm so they could live together forever, and never losing anyone dear to him again, and leaving his side had seemed impossible.

She had opted to stay a few steps behind the mourning family. Anakin had wanted her at the front, by his side, but after one of the most tedious negotiations of her life, she had managed to make him accept that out of everyone present, Shmi had known her the least and the Lars deserved better than her intruding on such a private and emotionally loaded event.

From her place behind Owen and Beru, as far away from Anakin as she could, she kept her eyes fixed on the back of Anakin's bowed head. He was standing beside Cliegg, the wind bringing his parting words to his mother to her ears.

"I wasn't strong enough to save you, Mom. I wasn't strong enough. But I promise, I won't fail again."

Despite the mid-afternoon burning heat weighting down on her, Padmé felt an ice-cold shiver chill her from head to toe. The despair mixing with the raw determination in Ani's voice were bringing back to the forefront of her mind his heated gazes back on Naboo, his declarations of adoration even though they hadn't met in years and were virtually strangers.

He had this strange obsession with her based on an old and distorted memory of her. She had waved it off the past few weeks, she had even managed to delude herself into thinking that they had gotten reacquainted now. She had made herself believe that his boundless devotion to her and jealousy over who she bestowed her affection on, while still stifling, was sweeter now that it was aimed at her and not the person he had built her up to be in the past few years. Though now that she had seen the lengths he would go for the objects of his devotion, his behavior was making her even more uncomfortable than before. She knew he was thinking of her when promising his mother he wouldn't lose anyone again and this frightened her more than the attempt on her life that took Cordé away from her had.

His words also brought back last night's declaration that he would seek to achieve immortality. She knew little of the Jedi, but none of this yearning for power and control over life's natural events and over other sentient beings had existed in either Obi-Wan or Master Jinn ten years ago when she had met them. She hadn't perceived any such desire of possessing and dominating both things and people in Obi-Wan when they had talked before she had to flee to Naboo and he had to leave in pursuit of the Bounty Hunter.

"I miss you… so much," came Anakin's strangled confession.

Padmé turned her head away, giving Anakin as much privacy as she could. Grief could make people say anything, and she could think of little worse than losing a family member. Things should get better once the raw wounds of his grief started to scab over.

Except grief of this scale could also bring to the surface truths and desires one strove to keep hidden or weren't aware of.

Shapes coming in their direction from her ship in the periphery of her vision pulled her from her thoughts. She turned towards them and squinted to see through the sun's blinding light that got reflected on the fine white sand. She frowned. It was R2 and 3PO. Glancing back at Anakin, she saw he had dropped to his knees by his mother's grave.

She would handle whatever message R2 came bearing on her own.

She reached the droids midway and waved away 3PO's long-winded ego stroking platitudes, addressing R2 directly instead.

"Do you have a message for me?"

She did not understand Binary, but the Astromech seemed to answer by the positive. Not for the first time, she appreciated how the droid's programming included an emulation of emotions so people like her could have a measure of understanding of what it was saying.

"3PO, go over there and watch over Anakin but do not disturb him until he addresses you first."

"But Miss Padmé, the message was addressed to Master Anakin!" the droid protested in that grating tone she was used to hearing from lobbyists courting her favor for a motion or another.

"I shall deal with it. When, and only when," she repeated to make sure the pompous droid understood, "Anakin has finished mourning, you will tell him to join me on the ship and I will bring him up to speed. In the meantime, you are to stay here and leave him alone. Lead the way R2."

She spared a glance behind herself to check if the protocol droid was obeying her order – he was – and she followed the cheerfully whistling droid back to her personal diplomatic vessel. The Force willing, it would be Obi-Wan calling and she would be able to share with him the horrifying truth of what had happened over the course of the past few days. This was too great a burden for her to bear alone, and as the closest thing Anakin had to a guardian, Obi-Wan deserved to know as soon as possible.

Together, they would find a solution, even if that solution was to arrest Anakin, or at the very least to prevent him from ever becoming a Knight. On the first solo mission he had gotten, Anakin had gone and committed genocide. As much as it pained her, as much as it would destroy Obi-Wan, as much as it would annihilate Anakin, Knights of the Jedi Order were entrusted with great responsibilities and couldn't fail even under duress. Anakin had proven he didn't have the shoulders to bear those responsibilities and she wouldn't be able to look at herself in a mirror ever again if because she had remained silent, he slipped again in the future. He had told her he thought he was ready to stand on his own and be a Knight. Well he would have to face the accountability that came with the title. And hopefully, this would mean he would be removed as her escort and guard too.

R2 lost no time in playing the message waiting for her.

"Anakin, my long-range transmitter has been knocked out. Retransmit this message to Coruscant."

Padmé paused the message and used the emergency codes the Council had given Anakin who in turn had shared them with R2 to open a high priority direct line with the Council. She was connected to the Council after only a handful of seconds of waiting. She must have interrupted them in the middle of a session. She unpaused the message.

Was Obi-Wan in need of help? Had he put himself in more danger than he could handle when tracking down the Bounty Hunter for her? She wouldn't be able to withstand it if another person died for her. She didn't know Obi-Wan as well as Cordé, but she still considered him a friend, if only for everything he had done for both her and Naboo all those years ago.

Though she was honest enough with herself to also acknowledge that deep down, she was afraid of what it would do to Anakin if his remaining parental figure was taken away from him. Even more than that, she was terrified at the idea of how anything having happened to Obi-Wan could impact Anakin's future behavior towards her.

She wrung her hands together and hoped for the best.

"I have tracked the Bounty Hunter Jango Fett to the droid foundries on Geonosis. The Trade Federation is to take delivery of a droid army here and it is clear that Viceroy Gunray is behind the assassination attempts on Senator Amidala." The image was jumpy and the sound gritty, but enough words reached Padmé for her to allow herself a brief smile of triumph. She had known it was the Trade Federation all along.

"The Commerce Guilds and the Corporate Alliance have both pledged their armies to Count Dooku and are forming a– Wait. Wait."

Her all too brief vindictive joy made way to worry again when she saw Obi-Wan ignite his lightsaber to fight several droidekas until the message got interrupted and Master Windu's face replaced Obi-Wan's on the holo-transmitter.

"More happening on Geonosis, I feel, than has been revealed," she could hear Yoda say in the background.

Obviously, she wanted to snort, though she remained silent. Anyone with common sense would know something was going amiss when at the same time that several members of the Senate were pushing forward a bill to arm the Republic, a few consortiums of planets proved to have already been gathering their own private armies, while at the same time they were trying to take her down when she was the most vocal opponent to the Republic creating its own army. It was too great of a coincidence to truly be one. Some people, both Separatists and Republic loyalists, wanted a galaxy-sized war to happen.

"I agree," Windu said in his direction before turning to face her. "Senator, we will deal with Count Dooku. The most important thing for you is to stay where you are. Please relay to Padawan Skywalker that his first priority still is to ensure your safety at all costs."

The simple thought of having to spend more time alone in Anakin's company made her recoil. Not after what he had just confessed to her. Not when he was still so emotionally unbalanced. Especially not after all the heated stares he was still levelling at her when putting his mother in the ground of all things. She couldn't stay alone with him anymore, it was beyond her. More than that: Anakin was the Jedi's responsibility, it wasn't her job to put him back together and hope it would happen faster than the time it would take for him to destroy her. But before she could protest, the Jedi had cut the communication off. She gritted her teeth.

"Stay right here R2," she ordered sharply when she saw the little droid leave the cockpit.

She needed some time to think before bringing the news over to Anakin.

Of course no one would ever look for her on Tatooine, though if the Trade Federation's blockade of her planet a decade ago had taught her anything, it was that the communication she had just had with the Council could easily have been used to track down her current whereabouts.

Furthermore, though Anakin would undoubtedly go to great lengths to protect her, she wasn't sure she wanted to know what his limits were, nor what he would expect of her in return. They had barely rekindled their acquaintance a month ago yet he was speaking to her as though he had been obsessing everyday over her, building up this imaginary persona that looked like her but wasn't her, and expecting her to conform to this figment of his imagination he had put on a pedestal. She couldn't do that.

And now, with everything that had happened since they had landed on Tatooine, she was afraid of what his reaction would be should he ever discover she wasn't the person he was persuaded she was.

She needed to leave, to go to a person she knew and trusted. Someone strong enough to ward Anakin off because while she knew how to defend herself and had the utmost faith in her abilities should she have to face the average opponent, Anakin was anything but an average fighter. Unfortunately, the only person she trusted who fit that description had just been captured by the Trade Federation.

She activated the ship's map of the galaxy. Geonosis was less than a parsec away. It would only take her a couple of hours to reach it, while it would take the Order nearly a week to travel to Geonosis. They would never be able to reach Obi-Wan in time before serious harm befell him, she was sure of it.

She stood up and walked to the ship's door, followed closely by R2, and discretely peered out. The Lars had retreated back inside their home but Anakin was still kneeling in the sand, 3PO obeying her orders and staying a few meters behind him, silent for once in its life.

R2's quiet interrogative whistle pulled her out of her thoughts and she turned to look at the droid. It was a unique droid, she speculated. Not only had it saved her ship when she had fled Naboo, but it had also taken part in the destruction of the droid control ship when she had taken her planet back. Though she didn't doubt Anakin's piloting talents and the Force had supposedly helped him, Ani had only been a nine year old child who had never flown a starfighter before. R2 had to have helped him. Since then, she had often used R2's unique abilities to her advantage. Now seemed as good a time as any to do it again.

"Ready to go and save a Jedi R2?"

The Astromech bumped in her legs, beeping excitedly, before taking off towards the cockpit.

"I'll take that as a yes," Padmé answered, palming her ship's door closed.

The moment the locking mechanism was engaged, relief hit her like a tidal wave, and she had to lean on the door for support for a few seconds.

It was strange, how the idea of sailing towards the people who had put a bounty on her head seemed safer than staying for one more second on this accursed sand planet, she reflected, feeling a hysterical giggle force her way out of her throat.

A loud and impatient beep reached her ears. This was her cue.

A smile on her lips, she let the anticipation of the upcoming adventure chase away the last of her fears and hurried to the cockpit, settling in the pilot's seat.

She would figure out a plan on the way.

End notes:

Thank you for reading, if you have a moment, I would love to know your thoughts about this, and happy Star Wars Day everyone!