I meant to put something up last week, but then...that didn't happen. Obviously. Sorry. Oh, and I decided not to buy the book, at least for now. Also. Two episodes in a row without Oliver wtf? Let's hope Mitchel used the down time to get a haircut.
Warning: Angst, angst, and more angst. Ain't none of these end well.
Disclaimer: Not mine, or the amnesia would have been real. Although the fact that Robby Ray thinks it's an acceptable parenting strategy to bribe his son with a car to fake amnesia kind of makes up for the fact that it wasn't.
Title, quote, and headers for each bit taken from Up The Devil's Pay by the Old 97s. I stuck Satellite Rides in the cd player in my car a couple weeks ago, and clearly that was a mistake.
These are eleven separate fic fragments and none of them are connected in any way other than the (depressing) theme. And just to keep you on your toes, they switch around in perspective, time, and tense. Because tense changes aren't annoying AT ALL.
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i'd sing you real live love songs
if i could get the feelin' down
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i. tend a bad fire
"I know, I know," Miley says, waving her hand around carelessly. She slumps back in her chair and pokes at the hotdog Lilly just got her at Rico's. Lilly takes a sip of her bottled water, then another, then another. It's something to do. Something that will stop her from falling apart.
"It's probably a bad idea," Miley continues, oblivious. "I mean, it's Jake. It's not like we haven't tried this before, and it never works. I know I should have told him no, but it's just...you never forget your first love, you know?" She smiles sheepishly, her eyes soft and dreamy.
Lilly watches her sadly. "I know," she says.
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ii. wanna see you 'round someday
Miley takes the nametag Sarah gives her and pins it carefully on her shirt. She checks to make sure her hair doesn't cover it. She hasn't been in the news a lot lately, and it's been ten years. Lilly might not recognize her.
It's strange being back in this building. Like a time warp. The lockers have been painted and the signs on the walls are different but the gym is pretty much the same. There's a banner that says Welcome Back, Class of 2011. It makes Miley feel old, because 2011 doesn't seem like that long ago. But it's been ten years. Ten years.
And if she's honest, it's been longer than lately since she was in the news; it's been a couple years there, at least, but that doesn't stop most everyone from talking her ear off once she gets in the gym. They don't swarm her, though, and Miley is grateful for the difference between eighteen and twenty-eight. They all want to tell her how they knew back in high school, or suspected, how they knew all along she was something special.
You didn't know anything, Miley thinks, but she lets them keep talking while she scans the faces of the crowd, looking for one in particular.
Nearly an hour goes by before Miley gives up. There are two girls in front of her, gushing, their husbands hanging back half a step. Their faces are vaguely familiar, but Miley can't remember their names. She doesn't think they knew hers either, not back in high school, not until she went public as Hannah. Miley wishes they would go away. They aren't the reason she came.
She excuses herself the first second it's polite to do so and makes a beeline for the door, nodding and waving to the people who call out but not letting any of them stop her. She almost runs into Lilly just inside the door.
"Oh," Miley says. Her throat goes dry and her palms start to sweat. Lilly's hair is shorter, her body a little curvier, which her black dress shows off to good advantage. Otherwise she is exactly the same as Miley remembers.
"Hey," Lilly says, her eyes sparkling when she smiles. "You're still here. I was so late I was worried I'd miss you."
"No," Miley says. "I'm here." She can't stop looking at Lilly, drinking her in.
Lilly raises an eyebrow and her smile turns into a smirk. "I can see that." Miley tries not to wince at how stupid she must have sounded. "Hey, I'm dying of thirst. Let me get a drink and then maybe we could catch up? Unless you're leaving?"
"Yes," Miley says. "I mean, no. I mean, I'm not leaving. Let's catch up."
"Great," Lilly says. Her fingers curl around Miley's arm, halfway between Miley's elbow and her wrist. She heads for the table with punch and finger food set up on it, and Miley trails after her in a daze, not even hearing the people who call her name this time. Lilly's hand is on her arm.
Lilly grabs a cup and they find a table in the corner that's empty and Lilly gulps half her punch at once. "So how've you been?" she asks. She lets go of Miley's arm and Miley works so hard at not looking disappointed that she waits a beat too long to answer Lilly's question and Lilly's eyebrow goes back up.
"Oh, um," Miley says quickly. "I've been...I've been, um, fine." She curses herself for suddenly losing her ability to have a coherent conversation.
"What've you been up to?" Lilly prods. "I got so used to reading about you practically every day, and then the last couple years you – " She breaks off, her face showing that she just realized how rude it is to point out Miley's diminishing fame, that Miley might not want to tell her about it.
But Miley will tell Lilly anything. She wants to tell her everything. She just has to figure out how. "It's okay," Miley reassures her. "I'm...I'm taking a break, sort of. I guess. The past few years, I just...I just needed a break from all of it." What good was it having everything in the world when you didn't have anyone to share it with? "How about you? What have you been up to?"
"Oh, you know," Lilly says, and drinks the rest of her punch. "Same old, same old."
Miley doesn't know what that means. Does Lilly still skate? Surf? Miley doesn't even know what she does for a living. But there's really only one thing she wants to know. She screws up her courage. "So, uh, did your husband come tonight, or..."
"I'm not married," Lilly says, and Miley feels like she's taking flight, swooping out of her body. Lilly's isn't married. So there might be – "But here, do you want to see pictures?" Lilly digs in her purse and gets out her phone, fiddles with a it a second and then passes it to Miley. Their fingers touch when she does, and it takes Miley a minute before she can focus on the picture on the screen, one of Lilly with her arm around the shoulders of another woman.
"That's Ally," Lilly says. "She's my girlfriend. She couldn't make it tonight."
Miley comes crashing back down to earth. "So you...," Miley says. "I mean, you're..."
"Yeah," Lilly says. "I've been out since college, but I always knew."
Miley doesn't know what to feel. Crushed that Lilly has a girlfriend, happy that Miley would have a better chance if she didn't. She feels both, hope and disappointment a sour ball in her stomach. The girlfriend didn't come tonight. Maybe they aren't that serious. "Why didn't you tell me? If you always knew."
"I should have," Lilly says. "I should have told you and Oliver, but I wasn't comfortable enough with it back then. And I don't think I ever could have brought myself to tell you." She looks down at the table and shakes her head. "It's hard enough telling your best friend and hoping she's okay with it, but telling your crush? No way I would have gotten up the nerve."
Miley gasps in surprise. In the space of that breath, she sees it all, sees how differently her life could have gone, if only one of them had been brave enough to say something. She sees how happy she could have been all these wasted years.
"What about you?" Lilly asks, hurrying on. "I know you were dating Chad, are you guys still together?"
"No," Miley says, her mind still reeling with the weight of what they lost. "We broke up. There isn't anyone. I mean, there have been people, but no one who's...stuck."
Not like you, Miley wants to say. She wants to tell Lilly that she thought about her every day, that not a single one went by where Miley didn't regret the fact that Lilly wasn't still in her life. She wants to take the chance she missed back then. She opens her mouth.
"Well, you'll get there," Lilly says. "It'll happen." It already did, Miley thinks. A long time ago. "And then things will just fall into place faster than you'd ever think they could. Ally and I are already talking about moving in together."
Miley's jaw snaps shut. All of her fantasies topple over and shatter into tiny pieces. What had she been thinking? Had she really believed that she could walk back into Lilly's life after ten years, and what? Make some grand declaration of love and have Lilly fall into her arms and they'd live happily ever after? This isn't a fairy tale. It isn't even high school. She and Lilly aren't even friends anymore.
"That's – that's great," she says. "So you're...you're happy, then?"
"Happy?" Lilly says. "Sure. You could say that." She smiles, and if it doesn't quite reach her eyes, Miley doesn't notice. All of her attention is taken up trying to muster an answering smile. There's nothing to be gained from telling Lilly now. Lilly wouldn't welcome her confession, she'd probably think Miley is crazy, probably tell Miley that the person she's in love with is nothing more than a memory.
"That's great, Lilly," she manages. "And it's been great talking to you. But I, um, I have to get going. I've got an early morning tomorrow." She has to get out of here, to find somewhere to mourn the loss of this, this dream that was sometimes the only thing that brought her any measure of hope or happiness.
"Okay," Lilly says. When Miley stands, Lilly catches her by the arm again. "Miley, I – " Miley looks down at her and Lilly looks back, her eyes haunted. Miley feels like she's standing on the edge of a very tall precipice and in the next second, with the next words out of Lilly's mouth, she might be tumbling over it, down towards Lilly. Maybe not everything is lost. If Lilly would just say something, anything, to make Miley think there's still a chance. For that one moment, it seems like she might.
Then Lilly clears her throat and looks away and says, "It was nice talking to you. We should get coffee or something sometime. If you're in town."
"Sure," Miley says. "I'll call you." She won't. She doesn't even have Lilly's number. And Lilly knows that, but she doesn't offer it, just nods, staring down at the table. Miley wonders how they got here, to this place she never meant to be.
It was life, that was all. It was only life carrying them away from each other, the days becoming distance, building up until they were so far apart that it had only been foolishness on Miley's part to think there was anything that could bring them together again.
"It was good to see you," Miley says, and then she's moving alone through the crowd, through the remnants of her past, her dreams, heading towards the dark night outside, towards the empty house that awaits her.
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iii. big black wind
He hit her when she told him. Miley didn't see it coming. She'd thought...well, she'd thought a lot of things. But she'd never thought her father would raise a hand to her. Not like that.
Her head rang and her jaw ached and she straightened up, searching for some sign of remorse from him, some sign that he hadn't meant it, but all she saw was anger, a hard, cold rage. "No daughter of mine is going to be like that," he said, voice like ground glass, and it was clear there were things he'd never thought either.
Miley climbed the stairs slowly. She thought that she should want to cry, or scream, that there should be some anger of her own that her father could do this to her, but there wasn't. There wasn't anything, she was empty inside. Dead.
She put a hand to her cheek. It was swollen; it would bruise. She would see it in the mirror every day until it faded.
She picked up her cell phone and hit a button. "Lilly," she said when the other girl answered. Her jaw was so painful it was hard to make it move, to speak, but that was far from the most difficult part of saying this. "This isn't going to work."
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iv. pack up everything
Miley rushed through the front door, not even stopping as she sent it swinging shut behind her and went down the hall to the dining room. "Lilly!" she called. "Lilly, I am so sorry, the meeting ended up going late and I tried to leave early but – "
She stopped short. Lilly was sitting at the dining room table. There was a dirty plate in front of her with silverware criss-crossing it, a used cloth napkin beside it. It was the only place that had been set. There were flowers in a vase on the table, and candles that had burned more than halfway down.
"I'm sorry," Miley said. "I really tried – "
"It's our anniversary," Lilly said.
Miley ducked her head. "I know. I see you got the flowers."
"They're lovely," Lilly said flatly. "Which one of your assistants picked them out?"
"Neither of them," Miley said. She took a few steps forward, pulled out the chair next to Lilly, sat. "I picked them out. And I've got your present out in the car. I'm really sorry, Lilly, I know I promised I'd be home in time for dinner – "
"It's okay," Lilly said, looking at her. Lilly's eyes were hollow, and Miley felt fear start to build like bile in her muscles. "I stopped counting on your promises a long time ago."
Miley stared at the candles. Wax had melted, dripped down over the candleholders in tendrils. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so busy."
"I know," Lilly said. "You're so busy you're never here. When was the last time we actually talked face to face?" The question was rhetorical and her smile was resigned. "Remember the last time we had sex?"
Miley opened her mouth, then shut it again. She couldn't.
"Yeah, me either," Lilly said.
Had it been May? April? It was November now. Okay, so she hadn't been making enough time for Lilly. She was so busy, she had a million things going on...but she'd do better, she'd –
"I want a divorce," Lilly said.
"What?" Miley said. She could hardly get the word out. No, she thought. No, Lilly couldn't be serious. She just meant this as a wake-up call, and Miley got it. Message received, loud and clear. Things had been rough lately, but Miley would fix it, she would –
"I'm going to stay with my mother for a while." Lilly got up from the table and pushed her chair in carefully. She walked past Miley and picked up a suitcase that was set up against the wall. Miley hadn't seen it when she came in.
Lilly couldn't mean it. Surely she couldn't... "Please, Lilly," Miley begged. "Please, I love you. Don't do this."
Lilly paused in the doorway and Miley felt hope surge up. Yes. Yes, they could still fix this, they could –
"There's a plate for you in the oven," Lilly said, and then she was gone.
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v. wanna make you happy
"Miley," Lilly says. Miley is looking at her with a mix of fear and hope and nerves, and Lilly doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry, but I just...I like boys. I've never though about you like that."
Lilly is prepared for disappointment or anger, but instead the hope on Miley's face gets stronger. They're sitting on Miley's bed and Miley scoots a little closer. "I know, but, I mean, I like boys, too. And I never thought I'd feel this way about you, but I do, so maybe...maybe if you just tried – "
Lilly looks down at the floor. "I don't think it works that way." She kind of wishes it did. She'd do anything for Miley, but she can't fake this. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.
"How do you know?" Miley says, and she sounds desperate now. "Will you at least – can I just kiss you? Just once? Maybe you'll feel something."
"I don't think that's a good idea," Lilly says uneasily.
"Please, Lilly. Just once. That's all I'm asking."
Lilly draws in a breath and nods. One kiss can't hurt anything. And maybe Miley will be right, maybe Lilly will feel something and she won't have to let Miley down. Miley inches even closer and leans in, and Lilly holds her breath and kisses her.
It's not gross or anything. It's just...it's like kissing her pillow, or her hand. Lilly loves Miley, loves her like crazy, but she just isn't attracted to her. She pulls away after a minute and Miley's face is flushed and her hands are trembling, and Lilly wants to cry because she didn't feel anything like that, and now Miley is going to get hurt.
Miley's eyes open slowly and she lets out a little puff of air. "Well?" she says anxiously.
Lilly drops her gaze to the comforter. She can't look at Miley while she says this. "I'm sorry. I just don't like girls like that."
"Oh," Miley says. She sounds very small.
"I wish I did," Lilly says earnestly. "You'd be the first one, if – "
"It's okay," Miley breaks in. "I mean, we can't help who we like, right?" Her voice is shaky.
"I'm sorry," Lilly says again, and slides over, starts to hug her.
Miley moves away. "I, um. I kind of need you not to touch me right now."
"Oh," Lilly says, embarrassed. "Sorry."
Miley shakes her head. "Can you...I think maybe you should leave. I just want to be alone for a while."
Lilly doesn't know whether to be worried or relieved. "Okay," she says, getting up from the bed. "But you...I mean, are you gonna be okay? Are we?"
"Sure," Miley says. Her eyes are full of tears. "We'll be fine. It'll be just like before."
But Lilly is leaving Miley there, crying because of her. She already knows it won't be.
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vi. taking every single piece
"We can't."
"I know."
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vii. boil til the room's insane
Miley had left the cap off the toothpaste again, and there was spit in the sink. She hadn't bothered to rinse it out even though she knew how much it annoyed Lilly. Lilly sighed, loud enough to be heard in the bedroom. There was no response, and that annoyed Lilly even further. She finished brushing her own teeth and rinsed every single speck of toothpaste from the sink before stomping into the bedroom.
"You left the top off the toothpaste," she said, standing by her side of the bed with her hands on her hips. "You know I hate that. The toothpaste gets all dried out."
Miley was already in bed, propped up reading a book. She didn't even look up from it. "It's just a tube of toothpaste," she said. "We can buy another one. Get over it already."
Lilly raised her voice. "It's not just a tube of toothpaste, Miley, and you know it! You do this all the time, you don't have any consideration for other people's feelings!"
"Stop yelling," Miley hissed, putting down her book. "I just got the baby to sleep and you'll wake her up."
"I'm not yelling!" Lilly yelled.
"Yes, you are," Miley argued. She was up on her knees on the bed now, arms crossed over her chest. "Just give it a rest for once, all right, Lilly?"
Lilly knew it was stupid to start a fight over this, but these days fighting was all they did. It wasn't the toothpaste. It was everything: dinner being burned and Miley never taking the dirty diapers out and Lilly putting the empty orange juice carton back in the fridge. It was Lilly leaving wet towels on the bed and sweaty socks on the floor and Miley stacking dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher instead of putting them inside it, and not enough sleep. Never enough sleep. It was how Miley thought it was ridiculous for Lilly to still be skating at twenty-six and how Lilly hadn't been to one of Miley's concerts or premieres in five years. It was the way they knew every one of each other's buttons and couldn't seem to stop pushing them. It was every fault and every slight from the past fourteen years dredged back up, over and over again, day after day.
"Oh, I'll give it a rest," Lilly said. "I'll give it a rest if you'll just remember, for once, that there are other people living in this house besides you!"
Miley climbed off the bed on her side and glared at Lilly. "Keep your voice down! At least I have enough consideration not to start screaming while the baby is trying to sleep. If you wake her, you're staying up with her."
The baby. Lilly loved her daughter, but she was fussy, quick to cry, and still wouldn't sleep through the night. Things had already started to go bad before they got pregnant, and the past three months of no sleep hadn't helped matters. Lilly thought that on some level, they'd both believed having a baby would save their relationship, would give them something else to focus on, something good that they had done together. But instead every little thing that went wrong seemed magnified when viewed through exhaustion with an infant wailing in your ear.
"Me?" Lilly said. "I was up with her all last night, when she had colic, because you said you were sick! Well, you weren't very sick this morning when Matt called and wanted to do breakfast!"
"He's one of the top directors in Hollywood! What do you want from me, Lilly?"
"I want you to help take care of your daughter!"
"I just spent half an hour putting her to bed!" Miley shouted. "And I can't believe we have to have this conversation again, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since you can't ever let anything go! We only spent all day fighting about this, I should have known it wasn't over!"
Miley's face was red, distorted from yelling, and Lilly knew she looked the same. There was an instant where she couldn't remember what it was they'd ever loved about each other, and that was when she knew Miley was wrong. All of Lilly's fury left her, pouring out like spilt milk, and suddenly she wasn't angry at all, only sad and very, very tired. "It is, isn't it?" she asked. "I can't do this anymore, Miley."
Miley licked her lips, and Lilly could see the weariness on her face, the utter fatigue. "Me either," she admitted.
They stood with the bed between them, the bed they'd shared for the past seven years. "It's over," Lilly said, and after a moment Miley nodded.
In the next room, the baby began to cry.
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viii. a grade-A mess
"Me and Jackson, huh?" Lilly said. Her face scrunched up while she thought about it. Miley held her breath. Either way, she told herself. She'd be okay with it either way.
"I don't know," Lilly said slowly. "It would be kinda weird, but I guess I've heard crazier things. Do you think he likes me?"
Miley's heart felt like it dropped down through her stomach and the bed to smash into the floor. She had to swallow a couple times before she could talk. "I don't know," she said. "It was just a dream." That was all it was. A dream. And dreams weren't supposed to be real. They weren't supposed to still be there when you woke up.
Lilly shrugged. "Maybe I'll ask him to go do something sometime."
No, Miley wanted to say, but she'd already said she'd be okay with it. She couldn't take that back now, and she shouldn't...she shouldn't even want to. Hadn't that been the whole point of the dream?
And maybe Lilly would forget about it and never say anything to Jackson. Or maybe Jackson would say no.
But by the time the interview was over that afternoon, they'd agreed to go surfing the next day.
"I don't think I've ever had that much fun on a date before," Jackson told her when he got home. "I think it's because she already knows me so well." She knows me better, Miley thought bitterly. "I wasn't trying to impress her, you know? We just hung out and had a good time. We're going out again next week. I really like her. You know, Lilly told me you were the one to come up with this whole idea. I owe you one, Miles."
Miley wondered if he'd agree to repay her by never being in the same room with Lilly again. She couldn't understand it. It had been different in the dream. She'd realized that she didn't have any call to say who Lilly dated, not even if it was Jackson, and just like that it had stopped bothering her, like flipping a switch.
But here, awake, it didn't stop. Those feelings didn't just go away. They got worse, and she couldn't understand why.
It wasn't until Lilly and Jackson had been dating a month and Miley caught them making out on the couch for the third time that she figured out she was jealous.
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ix. take me from this station
"You were with him, weren't you?" Lilly asks. She won't say his name, just like she hasn't said any of the others.
Miley sighs and throws her keys and cell phone on the counter. "I told you, it's just for publicity," she says. "We have to be seen together for the movie."
And the hotel the paparazzi caught them going into, was that for publicity, too? Does Miley think Lilly is stupid, that she doesn't see the stories or hear the whole world gossiping about how Miley is cheating on her? Again?
Even without that, without the endless shots of the way the two of them look at each other, without the segments on TMZ counting down how long they were in that hotel, there's the way Miley's clothes smell of cologne, marks on Miley's skin Lilly knows she didn't make.
Miley exhales noisily when Lilly doesn't respond, the sound full of irritation. But her posture is different as she slinks over to where Lilly is sitting at the kitchen table. She leans down and wraps her arms around Lilly's shoulders, pressing a kiss to her neck. "Come on, baby, don't be like this. You know he doesn't mean anything to me. I won't even see him again after the movie premieres."
Lilly knows at least that much is true. Miley gets bored easily. But all that means is there'll be someone else with her in those pictures in the tabloids.
Miley's hands join in the efforts to cajole Lilly to come around, moving down her arms and up her sides. Lilly's body loses some of its rigidity, relaxes into the touches. "It's nothing, just publicity," Miley says again.
No, it's not, Lilly thinks. She wants to tell Miley that it's not just publicity, not just a ploy for magazine covers or a bid to sell more tickets. It's their marriage, and every time this happens, every time Miley lies to her, another piece of Lilly dies.
She wants to tell Miley, but she won't. She never will, because Miley gets bored easily and doesn't like it when things get messy or difficult, and Lilly's afraid that if they do, Miley will leave.
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x. the things i love
"You know why," Miley says. She's sitting at the vanity in her dressing room, hands busy removing her wig. Usually Lilly would help, would do it for her, but today Lilly is on the other side of the room. The way she's feeling she would yank that wig off without taking the time to remove the pins first and probably pull out half of Miley's hair along with it.
"We've been together two years," Lilly argues. "I want to tell people."
"We did tell people," Miley answers.
"People besides our families and Oliver."
"Hannah Montana can't be gay. You know that."
She's being deliberately obtuse and Lilly won't let her get away with it. "Hannah doesn't have to be. I'm not talking about holding a press conference, Miley. I just want to be out at school. I'm tired of going on those stupid cover dates." They're annoying, but nothing more than that. It's really the stupid cover dates of Miley's that concern her.
"It's too risky," Miley says. "What if someone finds out I'm Hannah? Then they'd know and everything would be ruined."
Lilly bristles at that. Is that really how Miley sees her, sees their relationship? As something that could ruin her? And does she care so little for what they have that she worries more about some slim threat to Hannah's sales figures than about how Lilly feels? "Please tell me you didn't mean that the way it sounded."
Miley meets her eyes for a second in the mirror. "Look, I want to tell people just as much as you do," she says, as though after all this time Lilly can't tell when she's lying. "But you said you were okay with it if we didn't."
"I said that two years ago, Miley. And I was fine with it. Then. But I'm starting to think that you're ashamed of me. Of us."
"It's not that," Miley says, impatiently, like she can't believe she has to deal with this, like Lilly is the one who's being unreasonable here. "It's just because of Hannah."
Lilly thinks that it's not too much to ask that Miley put her girlfriend ahead of her alter ego. Her own ego. Once, just once. That's all Lilly wants. That's all she's wanted for the past two years. "Fine. You know what, Miley? I'll make it easy for you. Me or Hannah. Who's more important to you? Pick. Now."
Miley turns on the chair and looks at her. "Lilly, come on. That's crazy. I can't do that."
Lilly isn't even surprised. "I think you just did." She stands up and goes for the door, still mad enough that she can't feel her heart breaking yet.
"Lilly," Miley says. "Come on, knock it off. This is stupid."
Lilly spares her one last glance. "I hope you two will be very happy together," she says, and slams the door.
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xi. cutting teeth
"Miley!" Lilly said, running up to her locker. "Miley, guess what!"
"Whoa, there," Miley said, catching Lilly around the waist before she could barrel into the lockers and hurt herself. She relished the feel of Lilly's body against hers, and risked hugging her close for a second before she let go. Lilly's eyes were bright and her face was shining with excitement, and Miley wanted to kiss her. She couldn't, of course. Not here at school.
Lilly squeezed her back, then bounced up and down like she was getting ready to do the happy dance. "Guess what," she insisted.
"Okay, okay," Miley said. "What?"
"Gary Shepard asked me to go to movies this weekend!" She grabbed Miley's arms, trying to make Miley jump with her.
Miley didn't move. She didn't say anything. How could she when it felt like everything inside of her was being shredded?
Lilly stopped jumping. "What's wrong?" she asked.
There was a yawning sound inside Miley's head, the scream of blood rushing so fast it was going to cause a black-out. Miley put a hand to her forehead. It didn't help. "Lilly," she said, and she could barely hear her own voice. "Lilly, I – "
"What?" Lilly said.
What was happening? How could this...hadn't they spent all of last weekend shut up in Miley's room, kissing each other, touching, exploring? It had taken Miley forever to get up the nerve to tell Lilly how she felt, and she hadn't, really, but she'd kissed Lilly, finally, and Lilly had kissed back. Lilly had kissed back.
So this couldn't, it couldn't possibly – "Lilly, I thought..." Miley shut her eyes and tried to convince herself that everything would be better when she opened them again. "I thought we..."
But when she did, things weren't better. They were worse, because Lilly wasn't laughing at her, wasn't saying that of course they were, of course she'd turned Gary down, did Miley think she was crazy? Instead Lilly was looking at her worried and sad and a little afraid.
"Miley," she said, and Miley could hear from that how this was going to go. "We weren't – I mean, you didn't think – " She glanced around the semi-crowded hall and leaned closer. "I mean, what we did...that was just, we were just, like, messing around, right?"
There was a smile on Miley's face. Miley didn't know how it had gotten there. She couldn't really feel her face. Or the rest of her body, for that matter. "Of course we were," she said, and her voice sounded light and cheerful, as though all the happiness she was never going to feel again was escaping with this lie, the biggest one she'd ever told.
Relief washed over Lilly's face. "Okay," she said. "Okay, good." She hit Miley's shoulder. "Don't do that to me, okay? You really had me scared for a minute, I thought..." She shook her head. Miley blinked. There was something wrong with her vision, it was blurring, sliding. She couldn't follow the motion of Lilly's head. She thought she might need to sit down.
"Anyway," Lilly said. "I'm gonna go find Oliver and tell him about Gary. Don't worry, we'll find a guy for you in no time, I promise."
Miley blinked again, too slowly, because Lilly wasn't there when she opened her eyes. Miley reached a hand out to the lockers to steady herself, but then her knees buckled, so that didn't matter. Nothing did.
She didn't even feel the pain of her knees hitting the floor. A couple people in the hall slowed, spoke to her, but she couldn't understand what they were saying. She waved them away.
It was easier to sit when you were close to the ground. Miley put her back to the lockers and her head on her knees. Messing around, she thought numbly, and then sat there trying to figure out how to breathe through this much pain.
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I usually don't like writing angst for the sake of angst, which is exactly what this is. But I needed some outlet for the intense anxiety I feel about the movie, because that thing terrifies me. No, seriously. No. Seriously. Look, I never claimed to be mentally stable, okay? It's just that everything I've seen about it leads me to believe it will end up making me either really angry or really sad. (Except the ostrich story. Oh, Jason Earles. You always know just what to say to make me feel better.)
Soooo...someone want to do a favor for your friendly internet crazy? Anyone who's planning to see the movie nearish to when it comes out want to email/pm me afterwards and tell me every single thing that happens so I know how to emotionally prepare myself before I see it? Because that would be awesome. And you could take the opportunity to make fun of me for being scared of Hannah Montana: The Movie! I won't mind! I make fun of myself for it every day.