The Curtain Call
It was so easy back in New York, believing that she was over him. Now, seeing him here standing before her, she's not so sure. All of those memories, all of the history she's tried to forget is coming back to her and it's almost too much for her to handle. But she's not going to let him see her sweat.
He asks her if she's been crying. She pretends she's okay, but he can see right through her like always. He knows her inside and out. It used to make her smile, how well he just got her and understood her. But tonight it just hurts her heart and she can't deal with it.
He says they shouldn't pretend they aren't even friends but how can she be friends with him when she can't get him out of her mind? She's supposed to be over him. She's supposed to have moved on. So why is this so difficult and weird and heartbreaking?
She tries to play it cool. He's not allowed to see her sweat. But he looks so hurt when she says she's here for Kurt that she can't help but admit the truth. She's here for him too. But she makes sure to guard her heart, to keep a cool facade because it hurts too much to do otherwise.
She's not lying when she says the play was really, really good. She feels so proud of him in this moment. He's shaping up to be the man she knows he can be. The wonderful, talented man she always knew he was. And he's doing it without her. It makes her want to smile and cry at the same time.
Then he calls her his moose and it reminds her of that sixteen year-old boy she fell in love with, so she can't help but smile. But when he says he just wanted to see her smile, it hurts again. Because he's so clearly still in love with her and she–she might still have feelings for him, but it hurts too much to be with him right now. So she has to play it cool again so he can just go on with his life. So when he asks if she's crying about him, she lies. It's not really a lie. She isn't crying about him. She's crying about herself and about how NYADA is still just like high school. She's crying about how when she finally feels like she belongs somewhere, there's always some beautiful blonde to show her that no, she's still just a small town girl with dreams too big for the world, a small town girl who still doesn't belong. She only felt like she really belonged in one place, but now, looking at him so clearly better off without her, she feels like she doesn't belong anywhere.
But she can't tell him any of that, so she lets him assume it's about Brody even though it makes her so angry and hurt that he's making this about Brody again. When will he realize that she never cared about Brody? That he was always her first choice? That anyone else is always going to be a very distant second? But she doesn't say any of this. She can't say any of this. How can she?
A part of her wants to be selfish. That part is defensive and tells him that he can't know that it's about Brody because that part of her doesn't want him to move on. But it's her turn to be an adult right now. She broke up with him to set him free, to let him grow. So she can't just ruin everything for him now, not when he's so successful. Everyone always says she's selfish. She is selfish. But she still l—cares about him too much to do that to him. Now she really understands why he put her on that train and how hard it really must have been. Because she's breaking his heart and her heart even though, if she's really honest with herself, all she wants is for him to go to New York with her and marry her like they planned all those months ago. But she's giving all that up so he can just get over her and finally be happy as he finds himself. It's the hardest thing she's ever done, but that's what being an adult is, making the hard calls. Maybe she is growing after all. Or maybe she's just telling herself that to feel better.
As he says all these things about her different cries, she can feel that tether that Coach Sylvester talked about, the one he said he has with her. And she knows that if she wants him to be happy, he has to let her go. And she knows he won't do that unless she severs the tether, unless she breaks his heart. It's like the saying goes: you have to be cruel to be kind. So she lets him think it's about Brody and she just gets extremely defensive.
But then he says he doesn't want to speak with her anymore. And she feels like she can't breathe. They've never not spoken to each other after a breakup before, never not been friends. Not when she thought he was the father of Quinn's baby. Not when she was dating Jesse. Not when she kissed Noah and he got back together with Quinn. The only time they didn't speak to each other was after he put her on that train and look how well that turned out. That's not what she wants, not at all. But that's what he wants. No contact. Not even in song. And it takes everything in her to stay strong, to hold her tears. Because crying in front of him... Well, that would be the worst thing she could do.
She says cruel things to him because he's breaking her heart all over again and it's the only thing that'll keep her from crying. She's lying, to him, to herself, when she says that it doesn't feel bad anymore. But part of it is true. She doesn't feel special anymore. Not when he's so clearly better off without her. Not when he's finally finding himself without her. Not when he's outgrown her.
It's honestly a Godsend that Kurt comes when he does, because she can't do this anymore. Lima, McKinley, it isn't home anymore. Her home was never a place; it was always Finn. And now she doesn't have a home. She just wants to go back to New York. There's nothing here for her anymore.