THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF DOCTOR WHO AND FANBOY!
EPISODE IV:
THE PHANTOM IDIOTS or… PALPATINE EXPOSED!
The Supreme Chancellor sat behind his enormous desk. Seated in front of him were some of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy. In the wake of the Separatist Crisis, the Senate vote on whether to create a Grand Army of the Republic loomed before them.
"Master Yoda," Palpatine inquired earnestly after some discussion, "do you think it will really come to war?"
Yoda closed his eyes and grimaced.
"The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see… the future is."
Before Palpatine could reply a hologram appeared on his desk.
"The Loyalist Committee has arrived, Your Honor," a green skinned Rodian reported in his native tongue.
"Good, send them in," the Chancellor replied, then, to the rest of the chamber, "We will discuss this matter later."
The Jedi rose to leave as the rear doors of the office opened to admit a large group of newcomers. Mas Amedda, Vice Chancellor of the Senate entered. Beside him walked Padme Amidala, Bail Organa and their entourage, including Jar Jar Binks, the most hated creature in the universe.
Just then the reception chamber began to resonate with a wheezing, groaning noise that rapidly grew in power and seemed to originate from inside the room itself. Everyone looked around in confusion in a vain attempt to identify the source.
Mas picked up a heavy data pad from Palpatine's desk.
"Chancellor," he reported after examining the device's screen, "we have an unauthorized capsule entry imminent!"
"Well, what does that mean!?" Palpatine questioned in obvious annoyance.
"It means – that!"
Amedda pointed to the far side of the room where the outline of tall rectangular shape had taken material, solid form as the sound died away. The capsule was labeled "POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX." The Jedi stood up sharply and backed away as did the Chancellor and his chief crony. From inside the box muffled voices could be heard.
"Look, I understand, but we really can't go wandering about the universe changing whatever…"
"Stuff it, Doctor!" came the curt reply, "We're doing this! I can't stand the stupid anymore!"
The door opened and two figures emerged in quick succession. One was a tall, lanky man with a broad brimmed hat, an enormous multi colored scarf and an apologetic expression. The other was a younger man wearing shorts, sun glasses and a t-shirt emblazoned with the word "FANBOY." He carried a beat up leather satchel and an open can of Keystone Light.
"Sweet!" the younger man exclaimed after quickly scanning the faces of the people around him, "We nailed it!"
"Who are you!?" Palpatine challenged, "How did you get in here? Guards, arrest these intruders!"
The red uniformed chamber guards sprang forward. The newcomers immediately raised their hands in a gesture of surrender.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, your Excellency," Fanboy pleaded, "We come bearing information vital to the survival of the Republic!"
"Is that so?" the Chancellor replied suspiciously, taking his seat once more.
The guards halted their advance.
"Well, yes," the Doctor muttered unhappily under his breath, "but you're not going to like it."
The lanky Time Lord sighed in defeat, grabbed one of the chairs the Jedi had been using, and collapsed heavily into it. He pulled a bag of candies out of one of his many pockets and began eating them.
Master Yoda made a curious noise and hobbled forward.
"Vital information, you claim?" he questioned, "Share it with us will you, young one?"
"I will, Master Yoda… and the vital information is…" here the newcomer paused for dramatic effect and panned around the room, his gaze coming back to rest on Palpatine, then suddenly shooting an accusatory finger at him cried, "that Chancellor Palpatine is the mysterious Sith Lord that no one can seem to find!"
The Chancellor stiffened as the room erupted in confusion.
"What mean you by this!?" Yoda yelled above the din, his eyes wide.
"What "mean me", my little green toad," the drunk barbarian answered, "is that you turkeys have been about as effective as O.J. Simpson looking for Nicole's murderer!" he turned and pointed at Palpatine again, "Let me clue you in – that's the Sith Lord – right… fucking… there!"
"This is outrageous," Palpatine spat, "Guards –"
"Wait, a minute, Chancellor, let's hear this stranger out," Windu offered before addressing the newcomer once again, "Now, who are you, really?"
The young man finished his beer, burped loudly and replied.
"I'm the guy who's telling you the way it is."
"Unbelievable, this is!" Yoda exclaimed turning to give the Chancellor a close look.
"Yeh, but it's true! Dooku's his apprentice," the intruder barreled ahead, "This whole Separatist Crisis thing is a bogus, staged event!"
"Staged?" Windu repeated, raising an eyebrow, "Why?"
"Why the hell do you think!?" Fanboy roared in response, "To keep you idiots busy! To kill as many as Jedi as possible and help him turn the Republic into a god damn Sith dictatorship!"
"Idiots?" Ki-adi Mundi remarked softly, his eyebrows ascending perilously far up his unbelievably huge skull.
"That's what I said, cone head! Idiots!" the shit faced bum confirmed, then squinting at the cerean continued in a slightly confused voice, "Hey, are you what happened when Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain had a kid or something?"
He was cut off by the Chancellor, who interrupted with a severe expression.
"And what proof do you have of these baseless accusations?"
Fanboy brandished a shiny disk and began waving it over his head.
"Proof? I got the DVD right here, asshole!"
He brought it down and popped it into a small, thin video player he produced from his satchel. He held the device out so the audience could get a good look.
"See, this is what's going to happen if you douchebags don't cut the bullshit and stuff your sabers up this guy's ass…"
The screen lit up to show Mace Windu, Kit Fisto and two other Jedi masters standing at the entrance to the Chancellor's private office. Master Windu, his expression grave, ignited his distinctive purple bladed light saber.
"In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you are under arrest, Chancellor."
"Whoa!" Windu exclaimed, his eyes opening wide.
The camera cut to the Chancellor sitting at his desk, his posture stiff, his expression cold and hard as steel.
"Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?"
"The Senate will decide your fate."
"I am the Senate."
"Not yet."
"It's treason then."
"See!" Fanboy narrated with glee, jabbing his finger at the screen, "Check this shit out!"
Palpatine produces a red light saber from the sleeve of his robe and with a cry engages the four Jedi, quickly cutting down all but Windu.
"I have to say you kick some serious ass, Palpy ol' buddy," the intruder observed in a complimentary tone before shutting off the video.
Palpatine looked on the interloper with undisguised hatred.
"Hey, put that back on!" Windu commanded, "I looked damn good!"
"Trust me, dude, you don't want to see the end of that scene."
"Wait a minute," Fisto interrupted, "I die in like two seconds?"
"Yeh, you pretty much suck, sorry," Fanboy replied, "Your name never even gets mentioned, but hey, you're better off than those other two guys. Even I don't know the names of those fuckers! I mean, you can find out on the internet, but you gotta DIG, baby!"
He turned back to the Supreme Chancellor who, though his eyes remained hard, had restored his benevolent visage.
"So, that's my evidence," the stranger concluded in an even tone.
"Evidence?" the enemy replied, "I don't know who you or your companion are, my young friend, but I'm afraid the only thing you've achieved is getting yourself in a lot of trouble."
The traveler ignored this and turned to the Jedi.
"And you guys!" he said with a sweeping, accusatory gesture, "You guys just stand around like a bunch of bozons while he gets away with all this shit!"
"Bozon?" Yoda replied in confusion, "What mean you "bozon," mmmm?"
The weird visitor leaned forward and bugged out his eyes.
"Bone head! Moron! Get it!? Seriously, how powerful can you really be if this guy's been up in your grill for ten years and you can't figure out who he really is!? Or what he's doing? Do you know he's ordered the creation of a massive clone army from the Kaminoans?"
"Who?" asked Luminara, one of Palpatine's clueless Jedi "advisors."
"The stick figure, "Close Encounters" rip off alien dudes from Kamino!" the shit-faced stranger replied in frustration, "You know, over by the Rishi Maze?"
"Never heard of it," she replied in her clipped British accent.
"Yeh, apparently no one has – even though they are supposedly the galaxy's largest supplier of clone armies! I mean, that makes sense, right?"
"I find all this terribly hard to believe."
"Of course you do!" he said, jabbing a finger in her direction, "That's why you end up getting executed in an imperial prison by some nameless Sith inquisitor! How the hell'd you get here from England, anyway? And why are you dressed like a fucking nun?"
She arched an eyebrow and made to respond, but Fanboy just barreled ahead.
"Anyway," he continued, jerking a finger at the Chancellor, "He had Dooku and Master Sifo-Dyas put in an order on behalf of the Republic ten years ago and now they've got a couple million clones ready to fight this completely fabricated war with the Separatists!"
"My friends," the Chancellor protested, clearly flustered, "We mustn't pay any attention to the rantings of this foul mouthed maniac!"
The visitor turned to the would-be emperor and pulled his sun glasses down his nose so he could get an unfiltered look at the Sith Lord.
"Dude," Fanboy observed sympathetically, "you must think these guys are such a bunch of dickbags, and you know, I really can't blame you."
"You have no idea," the Chancellor replied deadpan before he could stop himself.
"By the way," the intruder continued in a conspiratorial tone, "did you have to put a deposit down or anything on those clones? I mean, do they really do that shit on credit?"
"A Letter of Guarantee from the Banking Clan, probably," the Doctor supplied from his perch, his legs stuck way out in front of him, hands behind his head.
"Oh right," the traveler agreed with a snap of his fingers, "I forgot! Those scumbags from Goldman Sachs and Deutsche Bank!"
He turned to address Senator Organa.
"Hey, after we 86 Palpatine here you gotta get rid of those fuckers. The Trade Federation dirtbags and those Techno Union weenies gotta hit the bricks too, okay?"
"Uh, okay, sure."
"Seriously," he continued putting a thumb over his shoulder, "you gotta get that stinkin' shit outta the Senate and clean house, bro!"
"Hey, I'm a Senator too!" Amidala piped in, clearly annoyed, "Why aren't you talking to me?"
Fanboy turned to address Dooku's latest assassination target with a look of utter contempt.
"Why, sweetheart? Cause no one gives a shit about you or Naboo – and stay away from Skywalker, okay?"
She made a face and was about to reply when he turned back to the Chancellor and gave him a huge thumbs up and a million watt smile.
"Very impressive, young man," Palpatine sneered, realizing the jig was up, "What do you plan to do for an encore?"
"I dunno," he replied with a shrug, "Kill Jar-Jar Binks?"
"What ah-you-sah talkin' about!?" the gungan exclaimed in extreme panic.
"I could get behind that," Windu injected.
"You might have done that first, you know…" Luminara observed drily.
Binks fled the room, his ridiculous rabbit ears flapping behind him.
"This is outrageous," Mas Amedda suddenly broke in, waving his electronic tablet for added emphasis, "You're here illegally and should be arrested! Instead you're trying to blame his Excellency for things that haven't even happened yet!"
"A technicality, Mas," the party crasher shot back, "and all I gotta say to you is you better have a damn good lawyer!"
"What do you mean?" the chagrian replied, suddenly fearful.
"Well, after Palpy here is history, what do you think the Senate is going to do with his cronies, huh? You're going to prison for a very long time… and I hear Ziro the Hutt is looking for a roomie."
"You're insane!" the Vice Chancellor yelled, his eyes darting rapidly back and forth between the Chancellor and the Jedi, "I haven't done anything!"
"Hey Mas," Senator Organa inserted smoothly, "You ever seen a Hutt try to have sex with a humanoid?"
"Yeh, Ziro's a male, right? So, I think that makes you… the female."
Fanboy began laughing hysterically. The Vice-Chancellor made a series of strangling noises.
"Enough of this!" Palpatine suddenly thundered, "Guards, execute them!"
"Oh, what ya gonna do, "Darth Sidious"?" the impudent stranger taunted, "Shock me with your uber force lightning? Do it, dude, and prove everything I just said is true!"
Suddenly Mas turned and hit Palpatine swiftly over the head with the massive data pad he'd been holding. The Chancellor's eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped over his desk. The Vice Chancellor raised his hands in the same gesture of surrender offered by Fanboy and the Doctor minutes before.
"Yes! Nice job blue devil guy!" the drunk intruder exclaimed as he fist pumped the air, "You might just have saved yourself twenty straight years of mind blowing anal sex with a six ton alien worm!"
"Well, what do we do now?" Padme asked in confusion.
"Search him!" Fanboy commanded, "He's got a light saber stuffed up his right sleeve and I bet you a million creds I know what color it is."
Master Windu quickly located the light saber in question on the Chancellor's unconscious form. He activated it, a red tinged blade appearing instantly.
"Vindication, bitch!"
"Ohhh! Correct our visitors are," Yoda observed in wonder, "a Sith Lord the Chancellor is!"
Windu shut off the saber and turned to the drunk intruder.
"You've rendered a great service to the Republic and spared the galaxy from the oppression of the Sith. How did you know it was him?"
"Well, Mace," the shit faced intruder drew himself up and adopted a lecturing, philosophical tone, "as you know, the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. After I saw the movies about 500,000 times, I resolved to strike down upon the Chancellor with great vengeance and furious anger to stop his brazen attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!"
"Hmmm, that's some cold blooded shit you're saying there, Fanboy," Windu replied rubbing his chin, "I may just borrow that."
Fanboy gave Windu a thumbs up and concluded in a breezy tone, "Well, my work here is done."
The Doctor blew out a breath, aggressively beheaded a jelly baby and turned to address his companion.
"Finally!" he began in an annoyed tone, "Now that you've completely destroyed this time line, can we get on our way before the Time Lords take my TARDIS away from me again, mmm?"
"Nah, you go ahead," the Doctor's companion answered with an affectionate wave, "I'm gonna go look up that smokin' little senator from Australia and see if she wants to get a taco or something."
"Australia?" Yoda repeated, "Never heard of such a place I have."
"Yeh, she hasn't either," Fanboy replied with a dreamy smile, "She doesn't even know she's from Australia, isn't that adooorable?"
"Senator Chuchi, right?" Organa surmised with a knowing expression.
"Ohhhh yes," Yoda agreed solemnly with a few earnest nods of his head, his eyes opening wide, "a hottie… she is."
"Word," the drunk stranger replied in an approving tone, "I am so totes gonna ask her out."
"Well, I'll introduce you to her myself," Organa offered, "after you do what you promised."
"To do what?"
"Kill Jar-Jar Binks."
"Fuck yeh, dude! Where'd he go?"
"Hehehe!" Yoda laughed as he poked the stranger's leg with his cane, "Take you to him, I will!"
Fanboy and the tiny green Jedi swiftly departed to dispose of the most hated creature in the galaxy.
Tune in next time for the Continuing Adventures of Doctor Who and Fanboy in Episode V: Jar Jar Binks Must Die!