Author: Reversatility
Title: When Sorrows Come
Words: 1308
Summary: After the events of 5.10, Emily tells Spencer about That Night.
Dedication: This story is for dreamingofberries – they know why :).
A post-5.10 piece that takes place after the PLLs' conversation at Hanna's, from Spencer's pov. Somehow it ended up with pretty strong Spemily as well as Emison feels, but I hope nothing too cracky, haha! And as always, no Emison without angst.
-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
Finally. They've all finally agreed on a plan that depends not on spinning more lies but on telling the truth, as fully as they are able. Spencer is enjoying the deep satisfaction that comes from getting her way, something that has been all too rare lately – since Ali came back, she tries not to think – when it comes to group plans. Hanna and Aria seem to have worked out their tensions as well, an added bonus, and Spencer smiles at the warmth she observes between them as Aria accepts Hanna's offer to drive her home. As the two of them leave, she turns to Emily, who's still standing at the kitchen counter. She looks at Spencer like she has something to say, but Spencer beats her to it.
"Hey. I'm sorry about what I said earlier, about you and Ali. I didn't mean to imply-"
"No, you were right. You were right." There is a bitterness that is strange to hear from Emily about Alison, or anyone, really, except maybe Jenna. Her arms are crossed, rigidness in her spine. Emily gives Spencer a quick glance before going over and sitting on the edge of the living room couch. Spencer takes a spot next to her and waits.
"I- I haven't been completely honest about what's been going on between Ali and me."
Emily's lips are tight as she continues.
"The night before Toby's house exploded, when I stayed over at Ali's-"
There is a painful pause as Emily searches for the right words, and Spencer knows instantly what she is going to tell her. She is assailed by heartbreak for Emily and something else that she can't immediately identify, twisting inside her like a leaf blowing this way and that. But she resolves to focus on being supportive; Spencer is aware that she has a tendency to cut straight to judgment, solutions, or both, and right now, Emily needs her to listen.
"Ali seemed so … open for once. She told me that even before she disappeared, she did have real feelings for me."
"Emily, you don't have to explain," Spencer offers as gently as she can. Emily shakes her head briefly as she looks down, one hand clasped tightly in the other. It's evident that Emily wants to explain, although whether it is to Spencer or to herself isn't clear.
"Alison could always make me feel special like no one else," Emily says with a ghost of a smile, and Spencer remembers each of them surrounding Alison with nervous energy, never quite knowing if Ali was going to be doling out honey or vinegar but extending their spoons all the same.
"And that night, I guess- I just had to know. Whether there was something real between us."
Emily's tone is strained now, and there are ten different things Spencer wants to say to make her feel better. But she merely keeps her eyes trained on Emily, making a silent catalog of the different emotions that chase each other over her friend's face.
"We kissed," Emily says, and Spencer's heart aches to hear such sadness in her voice. "And she touched me how I used to only dream about."
And suddenly Spencer can picture exactly how Alison would have been with Emily, caressing her first with words and then in ways that bound Emily to Ali even more intimately, the missing years bridged by sweet whispers and bodies moving together in the moonlight. The leaf inside darts around some more, irritatingly just out of reach, and Spencer is momentarily distracted until Emily speaks again.
"And I actually believed she did it because she felt something like I felt for her."
Anger and anguish both color her words, and it is very hard to see Emily hurting this much. So, although loath to be Alison's advocate in any way, Spencer decides that she must, for Emily's sake, note an obvious point.
"Em, none of what Ali's done, with Noel Kahn or this Cyrus guy, means that she doesn't actually care about you."
Emily's eyes flash as she responds immediately.
"It doesn't matter. I mean, she obviously planned the thing with Noel right under our noses; I'm sure that's why she asked to stay at Hanna's. But she was lying to me at the very moment I believed her when she told me she wouldn't ID Cyrus."
Spencer can't argue with any of that, and in any case, she knows this is about more than Alison's A-related schemes. Emily's next words are even more pained.
"Don't you see? I looked into her eyes and believed her. About Cyrus, about everything. How can I trust myself with Alison ever again?"
Spencer recalls the time when the exposure of Toby's collaboration with Mona had devastated her completely, when she questioned not just her heart but her intellect, flagellating herself for failing to recognize what had been going on right in front of her. And it hadn't mattered, for a long time, that Toby had done it, ultimately, for them; she had remained shaken to the core to have had no inkling about it, the person she thought she knew best of all working with someone who had hurt them in such terrible ways.
As for Alison, they still don't have a handle on what she is up to. And yet, not wanting Emily to feel so desperately used and betrayed, Spencer tries to get her to look forward.
"Look, I know it's hard to imagine now, but maybe one day, when our collective A nightmare is finally over, you'll be able to see where you stand with Alison, without all this- this-"
"No! I could never be with Alison again. Never."
"The lady doth protest too much," Spencer hears Queen Gertrude intone in her head, for this much vehemence so often signals someone trying to convince themselves. But she keeps her own counsel on this, not the least because she is hardly going to be head cheerleader for Emily going back to Most Favored Friend status with Alison.
Placing a hand on Emily's back, Spencer takes in her friend's form and realizes that, even hunched over and her face tightly drawn, Emily is beautiful. Of course, Spencer is well aware that Maya, Paige, and others had been attracted to Emily, but she doesn't know why she hadn't fully appreciated the loveliness of Emily's features or the lithe power of her body, all the more appealing for her lack of preening. Emily is beautiful, and kind and brave and strong, and Alison has helped herself to buckets and buckets from the well of Emily's goodness. Always selfish and careless with it all, the way regents indulged themselves wastefully at banquets as if food weren't in precious supply elsewhere.
And as she offers uncharacteristically silent comfort, Spencer recognizes what has been twisting in her all through this conversation, the leaf finally falling into her grasp. Jealousy. Jealousy that time and again, Emily has sought her closest connection to Ali over the rest of them, over her, when Spencer knows she would fight as fiercely as anyone on Emily's behalf. Certainly more than Alison.
The remnants of a fantasy from her brief over-indulgence in Adderall flit oddly through her mind – images of Emily, classic-Hollywood gorgeous, sharing her love with Paige. But Spencer will not analyze that right now either, for she would end up turning it around again and again in her brain, like examining a rock for classification.
Now she will put both arms around Emily and hold her as close as she possibly can, absorb Emily's sobs into her own body as her beloved friend's anger melts into undisguised sorrow, and tell her it's okay.
It's okay if you still love her, she hopes Emily understands her to mean as well, even though Spencer can't quite bring herself to say it.