A/N: This story was inspired by a picture posted on twitter by Cory aka Finn. See it here: http:// twitpic. com/ 10yg36 (close the spaces) I mean, LOOK at that sweater! (Adorable, though, no?)
Then enjoy this silly 2-shot!
In the end, even Tina, who usually stuck up for Artie whenever she felt the need, had to agree with the others. Artie Abrams needed fashion advice in the worst way. The multi-colored argyle sweater vest he'd worn on Thursday, one he admitted had been a birthday present from his granny, was the most dreadful thing they had seen yet. Kurt later told Mercedes that it made him angry. Mercedes admitted that she'd wanted to slushie him herself just so that he would have to change clothes. Quinn pointed out that just because it's a gift from a grandparent, that doesn't mean you have to wear it to school. All of her grandmother's gifts live in the back of her closet 'til Nana visits the Fabrays.
"He usually wears a belt and suspenders," Kurt complained at glee practice on Friday. The group had an opportunity to discuss Artie since he was home sick with a bad allergy attack, according to Tina who had called him that morning to find out why he was missing school. Kurt was the one to suggest that they help Artie with his little "problem" and he wasted no time listing off his reasons. "I mean, if he didn't look twelve years old, you might mistake him for a teacher. He follows their dress code. I only saw him in jeans during our mash-up and during Push It. And that was because we told him exactly what to wear. He borrowed my jeans. He might not even own jeans. Doesn't look like it."
"I don't know you guys…" Tina bit her lip and stared at her hands in her lap. "I don't want to hurt his feelings. He likes the way he looks in his clothes, so what does it matter if they're a little... elderly?"
"Tina, you're completely missing the point of the intervention," Mercedes told her, disdainfully. "We have to be the ones to tell him the ugly truth because if we never say anything, he'll go through life with problems much worse than being in a wheelchair. We can help Wheels with this one. And later, he's going to thank us. Just trust me with this one."
"Plus, he wears sweater vests," Brittany added, wrinkling her nose. Beside her, Rachel surveyed her own wardrobe, which today consisted of knee socks, a pleated skirt, a collared shirt and... a sweater vest. She blinked in confusion, looking at Brittany with a wounded expression. The blonde Cheerio only looked sorry for a fraction of a second before rolling her eyes.
"I agree that they don't look good on guys, but… mine's okay," Rachel defended herself in earnest, looking around for someone to support her. The other girls looked at their nails and twirled their hair, avoiding her eyes. Brittany smacked her gum and blew a gigantic bubble, giving Rachel the I told you so look.
"We only have time for one lost cause this week," Kurt interjected impatiently. "Let's think about what Stacey and Clinton of What Not To Wear would do. Would they ever be too afraid to tell someone that they were a walking nightmare of bad fashion… or, in his case, a rolling nightmare? No," he answered his own question, crossing his arms across his chest. "No, they would tell them, and they would fix it."
Tina tried to convince herself that the others were right. Artie could use a few more cool points to his name. If it saved him a visit to the dumpster or a trip to the flagpole, it would be worth it. She told herself this to justify their reasons for doing it. If it was really about helping Artie, as opposed to just fixing his clothes so that the others didn't find him embarrassing, then their reasons were pure and good. She didn't want to see Artie get hurt.
They needed Tina to get into Artie's house because she was the one who knew the garage code. After easily coaxing Tina into the task, the entire club headed over to Artie's. Surprisingly, every single member of their club wanted to participate in the intevention. Tina kind of wished they could limit it to just the friends closest to Artie, but there was nothing she could do about it now. Reluctantly, she punched in the four-digit code and found Artie's garage empty. This meant that only Artie was home.
Upstairs, Artie was enjoying a game of Call of Duty while dressed in his red sweater vest and khakis. After getting an allergy shot earlier that morning, he was feeling much better. When he heard the garage door open, he knew it must be Tina, bringing him his homework assignments for the day. "Hey, Tina!" he called out. The final seconds of the game counted down, and Artie's team had won.
"Hey," she called out, awkwardly. "Uh, I brought... a few people over to see you."
When a few people turned out to be the entire glee club, minus Mr. Schue, Artie raised an eyebrow at Tina. "What's this about?" he wondered, thinking that practice couldn't be so important that they'd all come and make a house call.
"Feeling better, Artie?" asked Kurt. When Artie nodded slowly, Kurt looked satisfied and turned off his TV. "Good. Then you're coming with us. This is a fashion-vention. That's an intervention in fashion."
"Why do I need an intervention in fashion?"
"Oh, look, he does own a mirror!" Santana exclaimed, not usually one to hold back. Since Artie was sitting in his wheelchair at the moment, she took a hold of the handles and pushed him towards the full length mirror hanging on his closet door. Artie yelped in protest, not appreciating being pushed by anyone other than Tina. "Artie, are you seeing what I'm seeing? That is why we need a fashion-vention, ay mí..."
"It couldn't hurt to dress a little more... trendy," Finn added, trying to soften the blow of Santana's frankness. Artie turned to look at Finn in confusion, blatantly showing Finn that he didn't have a clue what he meant by "trendy." Finn sighed, thinking maybe Kurt was right, in a way. They were going to have to be honest with him.
"I don't get it," said Artie. "What's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing now?"
"What isn't wrong with the clothes you're wearing now?" Kurt blurted out, shaking his head in disgust. He stepped up behind Artie in the full-length mirror and launched into the same rant he'd given the rest of the club in Artie's absence. "Okay, I see you've got on suspenders and this ridiculous piano keys belt you seem to love so much. Both serve the function of holding up one's pants. Both could serve the function of looking fashionable, if worn with the right ensemble. But there is no reason whatsoever for a person to wear both suspenders and a belt together."
"There is if you can't feel your lower body," said Artie, defensively, blushing when he caught a look from Tina. "I'd just like to be sure that I've got my pants on at all times, that's all. What's so wrong with that?"
"Buy better fitting pants!" Kurt countered, not going for the sob story at all. "And while we're on the topic of pants, I think some of the teachers at McKinley want to know where you get your dockers, Artie. You see, they only get to wear jeans to school on special occassions, per their dress code. Meanwhile, you look as though you think the teachers' dress code applies to you. What's up with that?"
"It should apply to students," Artie said, fervently. "All of these ripped jeans, backwards hats, poor-fitting clothes, it's too much. How do you expect the teachers to take us seriously if we don't look like we take school seriously? My dad says it's important to look professional at school, as though you were headed to a job interview. So... I take his advice."
"But it's just advice?" Tina asked. "Your dad doesn't... doesn't make you dress like that?"
Artie looked up at Tina, aghast. He could hardly believe that she was part of this, and now, even she was criticizing his clothing. "No, he doesn't make me," he began, slowly. "Are you saying you don't like the way I look, Tee?"
Before Tina could answer, Mercedes answered for her. "She just thinks you could look better," she assured Artie, kneeling down beside his chair to study him. "And I agree. I actually do like this little shaggy Beatles 'do you've got going on, plus the glasses. I think we could have you looking adorably emo by the time we're finished. If you'll let us."
Artie hesistated for a split second, but the idea still didn't appeal to him. "No."
"Then you've left us no choice," said Kurt, calmly. "Brittany, the rope, please."
Before Artie could ask what the rope was for, they were tying his hands together. Artie yelled at them, protesting that it was wrong on so many levels for them to tie his hands. "You're essentially turning me into a quadriplegic!" he complained loudly, considering spitting in their faces.
"It's for your own good," said Kurt, darkly. "Come on. Let's take him to the mall. He'll thank us later for this."