He shoved his feet roughly into thick, black combat boots. A sharp sense of loss overwhelmed him and his hands felt shaky. It had been three months and he still didn't believe it.
His commander was dead. Dead? How could he... be dead? It didn't seem real. Shep had always been so strong, so present and virile. Kaidan drew a shaky breath in, trying desperately to collect his thoughts.
He couldn't focus on that right now. There was more at stake. He had to move on, get past this, learn to breathe on his own again. He grabbed his Kessler X and ran a hand over his face.
He stared at the pistol, a blank expression on his face. This is how he had died. Such a simple thing.
Who would've thought that a mere bullet could take the smile from Shepard's face?
He had been laughing, laughing, the fool. He hadn't even been wearing armour, but of course Shepard didn't care. He never cared about the risks he took, but heaven forbid someone else on the squad take the same risk.
No, only Sheperd was invulnerable. Or so, they had all believed. The man had seemed like a legend even before everything had happened.
And now he was dead.
It still didn't seem real. Except when it hurt.
It was hurting now.
Shepard's memory was bitter in his mouth. If he closed his eyes, he could still see him, smell him, hell, he could almost taste his coffee-laced kiss on his tongue.
Kaidan realized then that he hated the taste of coffee now, and had ever since Shep died. He wished the bullet had hit him, instead.
A soft knock tapped at the door. "I'm coming," he shouted, and holstered his gun.
He opened the door and saw Tali. "Are you ready... Commander?" she asked.