Old Enemies At Hogwarts
A/N: This has been lurking unfinished on my laptop for ages! A big shout out to NonyMouse, sparrowhawkgirl, Moose and LadyBird for encouraging me to continue the adventures of Sue and Slash… you can thank/blame them for this! The story is a sort of sequel to 'Old Enemies', a fic I wrote for the Sky High fandom. But don't worry, you don't need to have read that to follow this (though, of course, I would love it if you had a little gander at it!)
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, he's all Ms Rowling's. And apologies to the estate of the Rev. V. W. Awdry for the improper Thomas The Tank Engine reference.
Warning: contains Mary Sue bashing and scenes of a Slashy nature. And don't get upset, slashfans, I love slash too… :)
"Let's just get one thing clear, Potter. This doesn't mean I like you."
"That's not the impression I was getting fifteen minutes ago when we were…"
"Potter!"
Harry grinned.
"In the name of Merlin, Harry," Draco muttered as his eyes nervously darted around the corridor. He quickened his pace and added, "You can be such a reckless idiot sometimes."
"And here's me thinking that's what you liked about me. The fact that I'm so dangerous."
Draco's thin lips twitched a little as he fought back a smile. Their stolen moment together in the empty Potions Dungeon was still fresh on his mind. The heat from Harry's lips burning into his neck, his hands pulling his face towards his…
"You don't listen, Potter. I just said that I didn't like you." But as Draco continued to stride down the corridor, he could feel his cheeks growing uncomfortably hot.
Harry leaned towards him, his whisper tickling Draco's ear. "You mean you don't even like it when I…"
The remainder of Harry's sentence was left unsaid when the bulky figures of Crabbe and Goyle suddenly emerged from around a corner. Harry quickly turned from Draco and carried on walking towards the Great Hall and Draco let the inane conversation of his two friends wash over him. No one could have guessed what he and Harry had been talking about, what they had been doing. No one suspected a thing.
Well, almost no one. A short, slightly plump Hufflepuff student had been trailing Harry and Draco down the corridor and watching them with great interest. Bespectacled and mousy-haired, she was average in every possible way and couldn't be more forgettable if she tried. And she did try exceptionally hard to be forgettable - inconspicuousness was her goal. After all, this wasn't her story. It was far more fun to pull the strings and watch her little puppets dance from a distance.
She sat down at the Hufflepuff table noted the secret, hot glances Harry and Draco were giving each other from across the Great Hall with smug satisfaction.
But something seemed a little off today. Hermione was looking at Harry strangely and paying no attention to Ron, who seemed fixated on gorging himself with as much food as he could cram into his mouth. He didn't even appear to be chewing.
The girl shook her head. Weird. Then Ginny walked in, arm in arm with Seamus Finnigan. The hemline of Ginny's robes wasn't exactly adhering to the Hogwarts' uniform policy. And she had unbuttoned her blouse to reveal an unnecessary amount of cleavage. As soon as she and Seamus sat down at the Gryffindor table, they began to openly French kiss and grope one another.
"I didn't do that…" the girl muttered to herself. She was starting to feel uneasy.
There seemed to be an inordinate amount of commotion in the Great Hall for an otherwise ordinary, uneventful sort of school day. Professor McGonagall strode down to the front of the hall with a familiar, battered, old hat tucked under her arm.
Why was the Sorting Hat being brought out in the middle of term? Why did all the boys have dazed, simpering looks on their faces? The Hufflepuff heard someone say the three dreaded words and it all became horribly clear.
American transfer student.
The girl groaned. "Oh no, not again."
The students fell silent as the new girl glided gracefully through the Great Hall. She was like nothing they had ever seen before. Her silky, waist-length hair was like darkest ebony. Dark red gloss smothered her pouty, sensuous lips, contrasting sharply with her smooth, white skin of pure alabaster. A thin, silver scar ran down her left cheek, but rather than having the disfiguring effect you would expect, it only enhanced the girl's exquisitely fragile beauty and hinted at an unspoken Dark Past. But the most startling thing about her was her eyes, which were two shimmering pools of purest gold.
The mousy-haired Hufflepuff girl winced at the purple prose. Disturbingly, the other students were falling for this completely. They seemed hypnotized.
The new student wore a black corset laced with a black velvet ribbon that clung seductively to her full, large breasts and emphasised her tiny waist. Her skirt was black brocade trimmed with black lace. Her nail varnish was black, she wore black lace fingerless gloves and those extraordinary eyes were accented heavily with black liquid eyeliner.
"OK, OK," the mousy Hufflepuff muttered to herself through gritted teeth. "So she's a wannabe goth with a thing for black. We get it."
As the new girl daintily positioned herself on the three-legged stool awaiting sorting, Professor McGonagall introduced her to the rest of the Hogwarts student body. The Hufflepuff winced at the unnatural cheerfulness of McGonagall's tone.
"Everyone, I would like you all to give a warm Hogwarts welcome to Krystabellina Jadebethany Moonsing Silversea, a transfer student from the Salem School of Sorcery."
The Sorting Hat was already shrieking 'Slytherin' before Professor McGonagall even had a chance to place it on Krystabellina's silky, ebony locks. The Hufflepuff girl rolled her eyes. Why was she not surprised? Professor Snape seemed so happy that he was almost moved to tears. The Slytherin table erupted into a round of spontaneous applause and cheering. But no-one seemed to be cheering louder than Draco Malfoy.
The Hufflepuff pushed her through the crowd that started to gather around the new girl. This was not going to happen! Not on her watch!
A group of Slytherin boys had rushed up to introduce themselves. Draco had made sure that he was at the front of the queue, and he blushed as he shook Krystabellina's hand. He was lost for words in her presence. Really, he had never gazed upon such beauty in his whole life. Veela were plain next to this mysterious girl's ethereal exquisiteness.
"You can call me Krys," the new girl said, smiling at Draco's sudden inability to speak. She was well used to this sort of thing happening. "Or Krsyta. Or Bell. Or Lina."
"Or Stupid Bitchface Sue," the Hufflepuff spat when she had finally elbowed her way through the throng.
"Lady Slash? Is that you?" Mary Sue looked with other girl up and down critically. "Jeez you've let yourself go!"
Lady Slash glared at her. So typical Sue. "No I haven't! This is a completely normal body shape."
"Yeah," Sue snorted, "normal for someone who eats three buckets of lard a day."
"And I can see why you've picked Huffleduffer," Sue continued, pointing at Slash's robes, "considering it's the loser house."
"Hey! I'm more realistic than you. An 18-inch waist and an EE cup bust? Woman, not only are you anatomically implausible without the assistance of major plastic surgery, but you're asking for a lifetime of chronic back problems. And there's nothing wrong with being in Hufflepuff! Maybe it's not as showy as some, but that's not a bad thing!"
Draco stepped in front of Sue protectively as her beautiful golden eyes welled with tears. "Listen, little Huffleduff, you had better leave Krysta alone. Or else you'll have me to answer to."
Lady Slash wasn't sure what pissed her off the most. That Malfoy was spouting out the crappiest clichéd threats, or that he was clearly falling for Mary Sue. Precisely two minutes after meeting her.
"Why are you even here, Sue?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm. "Last time I saw you, you said you were doing Middle Earth."
Mary Sue (a.k.a Krystabellina, a.k.a Krysta, a.k.a. Bell, a.k.a Lina) wiped her eyes with a lacy black handkerchief. "Yeah, well I tried the whole ElfWarrior!Sue Legomance thing, but it didn't work out. Leggy was in Rohan! It was horrible! Did you know those Rohan dudes are freaking in love with their horses?"
"Well, the Rohirrim are an equestrian people," Lady Slash pointed out.
Mary Sue continued as if she hadn't heard her. "They spend all day feeding their horses, grooming their horses and riding their horses. Every other conversation is about horses. The whole dump stinks of horse. It's really cold, the blankets are all scratchy, and the only food they ever eat is stew. Which is probably made from horse. And I cannot stand that Eowyn. Bitch kills a Nazgûl and she thinks she's queen of the frickin' world."
"It wasn't any old Nazgûl, it was the Big Boss Nazgûl," said Lady Slash with a smirk. She knew how much Sue despised being upstaged, particularly by canon females.
"Pah, what-ever!"
"And what's with the yellow eyes anyway? Please don't tell me that you're part cat or something. Or is it just a symptom of jaundice?"
Sue looked at Slash haughtily. "Just so you know, the eyes are gold and I'm actually a mermaid."
Lady Slash groaned. "You seem to be a tad… bipedal… to be a mermaid…"
"Say what?"
"Legs, Sue," Slash hissed in exasperation. "You've got two sodding legs!"
Mary Sue shook her head and her dark tresses shone prettily. "My tail only appears during a full moon. Like, duh!"
"Right. You're a were-mermaid," said Slash snarkily. "Look, if you're going to insist on being descended from magical creatures, can you at least get your cryptozoology right?"
"It's called artistic licence, Lady S. If you were a proper writer and not some hormone-driven freak who lusts after gay men, maybe you'd know something about that!"
"Excuse me?" Slash's voice had become shrill with rage. "You're calling me a hormone-driven freak? Pot, kettle, black, Sue! And at least I know how to make people stay in character. Did you realise Ron has been solidly shovelling chocolate cake into his mouth for the last ten minutes?"
Sue looked over to the Gryffindor table.
"Mpfh?" Ron managed, spraying the tabletop with crumbs.
"Sorry, but I just don't like Ron," Mary Sue said with a shrug. "He's greedy and he's annoying."
"And why is Ginny dressed like a slut?" Lady Slash demanded.
"I don't like Ginny either."
"Why? Because she's pretty and popular?"
Sue ignored this comment. "Look, if we just keep out of each other's way maybe we could make this work."
"But we've tried it before and we can't. And in any case, you're clearly in Bitchiwitch mode and have your sights set on Malfoy Junior, however, I've been steadily been building up a Harry/Draco ship for the last couple of months and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you ruin it all in a flutter of mascara-laden eyelashes!"
Lady Slash wanted to scream. Sue had no concept of building up sexual tension. Draco still stood between them, his brow furrowed in confusion. Clearly, their verbal exchange was not making any sense to him, but knowing how Sue worked, Slash was certain Sue would be playing tonsil tennis with the blond Slytherin before the evening was over.
"Well, may the best woman win. But FYI - as I'm in Slytherin, I get to spend lots of time with Drakey baby in the Slythie common room. I'll be getting my hands on those quidditch-toned muscles in no time! And I've always been a Harmony shipper anyway."
So that's why Hermione was being all googly-eyed around Harry. It was almost as if a red mist had descended over Slash's vision. All she wanted to do was slap Mary Sue's pretty, smug face.
"You are such a selfish cow, Sue!"
"Get bent, Slash! I can do whatever the hell I want! And I'm getting sick and tired of you gaying up all my favourite fandoms!"
It was too much to bear. Lady Slash screamed and lunged at Sue. The pair were soon rolling around the floor of the Great Hall, shrieking and pulling each other's hair.
"Am I hearing this right?" asked Ron, taking advantage of Sue's lapse in concentration to speak. "Those two girls are arguing about who gets Malfoy - the goth one wants him and the Hufflepuff wants Harry to have him?"
Harry blushed.
"M-me and Malfoy? That's got to be the… the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
Ron looked at Harry suspiciously. "Eurghh! Harry! Don't tell me you and Malfoy are…"
Hermione's nose wrinkled with distaste as she observed Slash and Sue scratching each other and swearing. "God, won't someone just put us all out of our misery?"
She jumped as she felt a hand rest on her shoulder. Hermione swung around and saw a tall man wearing dark glasses and a jet black suit. He seemed to radiate authority and rules, which gained Hermione's instant approval.
"Don't worry, Miss Granger," the man smiled. "The cavalry has arrived."
Agent Canon coughed. Slash and Sue immediately stopped and looked up. Both of them visibly paled as they rose to their feet.
"But you can't touch us this time!" Sue protested. "We've remembered the disclaimer and everything!"
"Tsk, tsk. Ms Rowling is richer than you could even possibly hope to start dreaming to imagine. Do you really think that poxy little disclaimer is gonna stop me? How have you flagrantly disregarded me?" Canon asked as he flipped through his notepad. "Let me count the ways…"
"Cedric Diggory is alive, and enjoying a blossoming gay relationship with Oliver Wood…"
Sue raised an eyebrow at Slash.
"Hey, it was my subplot!" Slash said defensively.
"…Ronald Weasley is a moronic, insensitive glutton, who communicates in unintelligible, monosyllabic grunts in between stuffing his face with food…"
On cue, Ron belched loudly.
"Err... sorry," he muttered.
"…Ginny Weasley is an evil-hearted slut who has been cheating on Harry with pretty much anything that moves and is vaguely male…"
Ginny stopped sucking Seamus Finnigan's face at the sound of her name, then continued when she realised she wasn't actually required to take part in the conversation.
"…Harry and Hermione are in love, but Harry also loves Draco, and Draco loves… Krystabellina?"
He turned to Sue. "Krystabellina? Kid, even for you that is pretty damn lame."
"Oh, Agent C! How you love your little games," Sue purred as she touched Canon's arm. "You pretend that you can't stand me, but you know without me, your life would be duller than… something umm… like, really boring."
Slash didn't like to admit it, but the girl was good. So, her dialogue required some work, but the residual sue-force from her flirt attack was affecting all the males in the surrounding area, Slash could tell from their identical dazed and adoring expressions. If Sue said that she would kiss whoever beat the giant squid in a wrestling match, Slash was sure they'd be pulling on their speedos and jumping into the lake in a heartbeat. But was this going to work on Canon?
The Agent said nothing for a moment, his face unreadable. Slash held her breath.
"Nice try, Girlie," Canon said with a nasty smile, "but I'm 100 per cent Sue-proof." Mary Sue gasped as he rolled up his sleeves. This was unheard of! No man had ever spurned her advances when she was working at maximum power!
"Now it's ass-whuppin' time!"
"Not so fast, Canon," said Lady Slash stepping forward. "You may be Sue-resistant, but you've forgotten about me!"
Agent Canon laughed. "Oh yeah? Well give it your best shot, Lady S."
Professor Snape, like the rest of the school, could do nothing but stand and watch the scene unfold before him in silent helplessness. But, suddenly, inexplicably, he felt the urge to move towards the centre of the crowd and address the newcomer.
Snape pointed his wand at Canon's throat. "I will not tolerate threats against the students…"
Snape's voice trailed off and his face softened. Canon's jaw hung open slackly.
"Oh, I um… I'm sorry about that, Professor," the Agent managed, struggling to regain his composure. Canon wondered why he never before realised how unbearably sexy Severus Snape was. So intelligent, so intense. So delightfully, darkly sarcastic. So misunderstood.
"Yes. I am the only one allowed that privilege. I'm afraid you must be punished." Without warning, Snape grabbed the back of Canon's head and firmly pushed his lips against Canon's unresisting mouth.
"How the heck did you do that, Lady S?" asked Sue petulantly. "I've been around way longer than you! I'm all-powerful!"
"Canon is naturally impervious to OCs. But I'm different. I'm already there," Slash replied with more than a hint of smugness.
"Huh?"
"It's all about the homoerotic subtext, baby. You can interpret literature however you want, as long as you can back it up with canon evidence. I can find slash anywhere. I even found subtext in Thomas The Tank Engine."
Sue pulled a face. "Ew! Train slash?"
"Oh, yes. Do you want to hear about Thomas' throbbing pistons?"
"Dammit, Lady S, you are one sick, sick little puppy!"
Slash gave a filthy, raucous laugh. "That I am, Sue, that I am!"
Agent Canon brushed his fingers along the hard, muscled lines of Snape's back. Since when did the runty Potions Master work out? He thought idly. As his canon-restoring powers kicked in, the Agent felt Snape's muscles turn soft and doughy under his hands. Agent Canon wasn't sure what was worse - groping buff Snape, or groping skinny-but-somehow-also-managing-to-be-flabby Snape.
"Ugh! This is totally grossing me out!" Sue grimaced, turning away.
"Sue, I'm only getting started! I haven't even used my powers of MPreg…" Lady Slash's eyes glittered strangely. "I've always liked Snape as the uke, but maybe he can top this time…"
"Dear sweet baby Jesus, no!" gasped Sue. "You are so not doing a buttsex scene in the middle of the Great Hall with Snape and Canon!"
"Hermione, did she just say… MPreg?!" Ron whispered urgently in Hermione's ear.
Hermione looked faintly ill and shuddered. "I think she did… Oh, please no!"
Mary Sue slapped the other girl out of her slash-induced trance.
"Snap out of it! Can we please just get the hell outta here? Like now?"
Slash rubbed her cheek. Whoa, she was really getting carried away. But it was so much fun.
"Oh, alright then. I think we've done enough damage here for the moment."
With a loud crack, the pair disapparated from the Great Hall.
Hermione winced. "But that shouldn't be possible! In Hogwarts: A History…"
"I know what you're thinking, Miss Granger," said the Agent, who broke free of his passionate embrace with Snape the instant Slash and Sue left Hogwarts, "but one of those girls is an American transfer student called Krystabellina and the other wants Potter and Malfoy to get jiggy with it. Do you think that either of them care about the boundaries of canon?"
Agent Canon sighed. When he signed up to LitPol, no-one had warned him of the hideous, block paragraphs that were enough to make his eyes bleed, the recurrent plot devices that were trotted out ad nauseum and were surely causing him some emotional, if not neurological damage. And certainly no-one had warned him about this particular occupational hazard. Not for the first time, he wished he'd accepted that nice little desk job at the Department of Grammar. He somehow doubted that misplaced commas would force him to engage in homosexual acts.
He did not enjoy kissing Snape. It was disgusting. It was foul and repulsive. It was not sexually arousing in the slightest. Because he was totally hetero. He was completely and utterly not gay. In no way, shape or form gay. In short – NOT GAY.
"Not gay!" Canon muttered suddenly.
"Excuse me?"
"Nothing… nothing."
I'm sending Rowling my therapist's bill, he thought with a shudder. I do not get paid enough for this shit.
Slash and Sue sat in the Three Broomsticks sipping on foaming, frosty glasses of butterbeer.
"Damn Canon," Sue hiccupped. As was her usual practice, she hadn't eaten anything all day and as a size double zero, even butterbeer was potent enough to get her drunk. "Alwaysh shtopping my… hic… fun."
"For once I agree with you, Sue. He's a miserable, fascist bastard with no imagination and no understanding of freedom of speech," Slash said vehemently as she downed her drink.
Sue could feel Lady Slash staring at her.
"Whut? Have I got shomething shtuck on my facesh?" Sue asked, pulling out an ebony pocket mirror.
"I'm sorry… But…. Has anyone ever told you what pretty eyes you have?"
Sue started to choke on her butterbeer mid-gulp. She knew Slash was depraved, but surely she couldn't be thinking what she thought she was thinking…. This was having a more instantly sobering effect than an intravenous administration of the strongest, blackest Colombian coffee.
"I know you're desperate, Lady S, but do not go all femmeslash on me!"
Lady Slash squeezed her hand.
"C'mon, Sue," Slash murmured. "How do you know you don't like it unless you try it?"
Mary Sue glanced around the pub for the nearest exit and silently cursed herself. For the first time in her existence, she wondered why she had to be so goddamn hot.
End