Disclaimer: I own nothing

Everything comes back full circle. I'm back to the Torchwood fandom, and while I love Janto, I'm toying with the Gwanto (Gwen/Ianto) pairing. As well as a few what ifs. Like, what if Rhys never woke up after having Bilis stab him?

Yeah, not too fond of Rhys, but I also don't write for the show.

So, ready to see what roller coaster I take you down?

Sit back and hold on tight!

Love always,

Avoline

P.S: After the whole Bilis Manger deal, I am basically ignoring the show. So no spoilers if you're past Season 1.

I don't know quite when I fell in love with Gwen Cooper, or how. I barely even know how I managed to keep her, in spite of all that I have lost. But I remember all too clearly the moment that kick started it all.

It was the night after Abaddon had made his way to our world. We had done what needed to be done to set everything right. The rift was closed, all people and creatures returned to their respective times, and Abaddon defeated. I never got Lisa back. Tosh didn't get her mother back. And, as predicted, Owen didn't get Diana back.

But Rhys never woke up. The wound never sealed itself. He simply stayed dead. Like all the other temptations, it never happened. It was just another carrot dangled in front of a group of selfish rabbits, and we all fell for it.

Tosh and Owen had went to set up a crime scene in Gwen's flat, and I had taken her to my flat. She didn't need to be alone, and she couldn't go home anyway. The memories alone would crush her. And we had lost so much, as well as Jack.

She just stared straight ahead. She didn't really seem to acknowledge anything, just move where directed and not speak. I glanced at her the whole drive home, wondering how long my friend would be like this. Would she eat anything? Would she snap out of it soon? Or would she waste away while we all watched, helpless to do anything more? Every glance cut a little deeper, cause that so easily could have been me.

We were almost there when she finally spoke.

"How did you do it," she asked me. I almost drove off the road cause she scared me.

"Do what," I responded hesitantly.

"How did you survive loosing her," she clarified. I felt a small ache in my chest at the memory of loosing Lisa, but I had to think about what got me through. I might be the only person who can properly help Gwen.

"I guess I knew she was gone long before the incident at HQ," I answered. "It still hurt, but deep down, I knew I had lost her when the Cybermen had started converting her. I know the situation isn't the same."

"But the pain is," she whispered. I sighed, knowing she right. Owen would be better at explaining it, but I'm sure his answer is the same as mine: ignore the pain until it goes away. That's human nature for most.

But Gwen Copper wasn't most people. She faced her emotions and took her time dealing with them, no matter how long or how crippling. She would never take that advice. She would scoff and say that ignoring it isn't dealing with it, and she would be right.

"The only way I can deal with loss is to ignore the pain until it doesn't hurt anymore," I explained. "But I also know that that advice won't work for you, Gwen. You take your time, you deal with the pain your way. I'll be right here. All you have to do is call for me. I promise, you don't have to do this alone."

I didn't mean to get choked up. I never meant for tears to burn my eyes. But the idea of Gwen having to deal with her grief alone tore at me. Maybe it's my soft heart, but I knew she couldn't do this alone.

And I wouldn't let her.

We got to my flat with nothing more said, and I gently lead her to the door. I just kept watching her, wondering when she would break. There would be eyeliner running down her face, and this suit would probably have to go to the dry cleaners. And that was okay. I'd let her cling to me until she fell asleep if that was what she needed.

I didn't have to wait long.

She closed her eyes, then crumbled. I caught her before she could hit her head on anything, and that's when she started screaming. The pain behind it was so clear, and it was heartbreaking to hear. She just kept screaming, no tears or words. All I could do was hold her and let her scream.

I don't know when she quit screaming, but I had finally looked down to see her asleep in my arms. I gently lifted her and carried her into the bedroom. She whimpered some, and I could barely make out Rhys's name among the unintelligible murmuring. I laid her on my bed and covered her up after removing her trainers. I threw on last glance at her as I walked out. She looked so broken and alone, and I could tell she wasn't going to sleep well. She would be plagued by nightmares, seeing him over and over again.

I sat on the couch and cried, not for Lisa or Jack or Susie, but for the woman asleep in my bed. I cried for the man who lost his life far too early. I cried for the possibilities that would never come to be.

I cried until I fell asleep sitting on the couch.