Chinatsu Nishio
Loving someone who never was or is yours feels bad.
Azumi Kotarou. This guy made me experience that. He's kind and sweet, handsome and...what not. He's also shy. Perhaps that's what made me...fall for him?
When I came to know that he's dating one of my close friends, Akane, I was sad. Akane is a really good friend and breaking our friendship just because I like the guy she's going out with never felt correct. Making her break-up with him just because I like him? That'll make me a shameless person.
Its not even her fault, you know.
Maybe, I should've confessed to Kota sooner. I'll never forget the day when I did tho.
My heart was pounding when I was there standing in front of him. Who knows why, I felt like I just had to tell him how much he means to me that day. But, Akane kept coming in my head. And I just couldn't tell him everything I wanted to. Just telling him I like him didn't feel enough.
Well, at least I brought up the courage to embrace him. It would've been nice if he hugged me back.
Getting properly rejected felt good tho. Well, at least it did for those couple minutes before I ran away from him.
...
"Hey, Chinatsu?" I heard one of my friends call my name.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Where is your mind? Its the third time I called your name." She said.
"I didn't realize it, sorry." I replied and took a sip of my coke.
After school, we friends decided to go to a cafe. And, the real reason I didn't respond to my friend was because I was thinking about Kota all that time.
First year of high school and I am not focused on studies at all.
I took the last sip of my coke. "Guys, I'll get going now." I say and stood up from my chair. "See you tomorrow." Picking up my bag, I walked away out of the cafe.
Get a hold of yourself, Chinatsu. Stop thinking about Kota. I kept reciting these lines as I walked on the street.
And, how helpful, the guy I was thinking so much about showed up at the next minute.
Wow.
I couldn't help myself. "Hey, Kotarou-kun." I say as I walked towards him.
"Hey, Nishio-chan." He greeted back.
"Where are you going?" I ask.
"Grocery store. You?"
My reply should've been 'home', but... A part of me wanted to be with him.
"Uh- me too. I went to the cafe with my friends and before going home, I thought to buy some veggies."
"Okay." He said and started walking.
We walked side by side on the empty street. Being it afternoon time, the weather was warm, even making it a bit romantic for me. After all, I was walking with my crush. Or should I put it the correct way, walking with my love.
"The-the weather is good, isn't it, Kota-kun?" I ask.
Seriously, Chinatsu, you got nothing but the weather to talk about with the guy you like?
"Oh, yes. It is. Its still the month of February, and its warm. Strange." He replied looking at the street.
He did have his jacket and his blue scraf on. Unlike me just having the uniform's coat on. I too took my gloves off at the cafe and don't really feel the need to put them on.
"So...um..." I mumbled trying to think about topics to talk about.
What am I supposed to say?!
"Hey, watch out!" I hear someone shout and before I could even understand the situation, I found my arm pulled back and hey, I was... embracing someone...?
"Are you alright, miss?" I heard a manly voice from behind me.
I opened my eyes, just to realize whom I was there embracing. K-k-kota..?
"Are you alright?" He asked letting go of me.
"Huh?" I looked behind me, seeing a man there with his bicycle.
"I'm really sorry, miss, I didn't realize you were coming my way." He said apologizing.
"Oh, yes, I'm alright. Don't worry, sir." I say learning that I was about to get hit by a bicycle if K-kota didn't pull me his way.
Nodding and apologizing one last time, the man drove away with his bicycle.
"Uh, a-arigatho, Kota-kun.. for saving me." I say.
He smiled and put his hand up near his cheek. "Its fine, actually."
I could feel my cheeks getting hot seeing him smile like that. Also, remembering the position we were in, a couple minutes ago, brought a shiver up my spine. I was literally embracing him with his hands around my waist! Aw, man. Another memory.
"And..you don't mind that hug?" I asked and looked at him. Of course he'd say he minds it. He has a girlfriend after all.
"Its no big deal." He said. His words made butterflies grow inside my stomach.
"Really?" I ask. Please say that you don't feel uncomfortable with that.
"Yeah. It was just because I was trying to save you from hitting that bicycle. So, I don't mind it." He explained.
I could feel myself getting a bit upset. But it was the truth, tbh. I nodded and we continued walking towards the grocery store.
A few minutes later, we entered the grocery store. Kota went to pick out some veggies while I stood there looking at him. Well, at least I got a good memory. And he did hug me, you know. I then walked towards the fridge and took out a can of chocolate milkshake and headed to the cash counter. Kota came back and payed for the food.
"Do you not have to buy any veggies?" Kota asked me.
Uh, I realized I told him I had to buy something. "Nah, its okay. I'm not sure what to buy anyways." I say. But, was that a suitable reply? Definitely not. He didn't question it tho. And we walked out of the store.
"Okay, bye, Nishio-chan." Kota said.
"Yeah, bye." I replied. He turned around and started walking away.
Stop him. My heart said. But what will I say to him?
"Uh, Kota-kun!" Before thinking, I called out his name.
He turned around. "Yes?"
Oops. Chinatsu, you're crazy. I then ran to him and stood a step away from him. "I was...um...would you like to take a little walk with m-me? Th-the park? We'll talk about the homework the teacher gave today." Hesitatingly, I asked and took a sip of my milkshake. I did try hard so he doesn't notice how pink my face was.
"Sure. Lets go." He replied with a really normal tone.
"The park is empty, no?" I asked seeing very few people in the park.
"Maybe because of the cold climate." He replied. We walked a bit for few minutes, saying nothing.
"So, are you still in touch with Akane?" I couldn't hold in my curiosity in.
"Huh?"
I shouldn't have said that. "Oh, silly me. You guys are dating so of course you're in touch. Gomen." I replied with a giggle.
"Hm."
His reply made me confused. What is this 'hm' suppose to mean? I wondered taking little sips of my milkshake. We then sat on a bench. He kept his plastic bag beside him, leaned back putting his head on the back of the brown bench and closed his eyes.
I couldn't help but stare at him. He looked so peaceful and.. precious. My hand moved, I put the almost empty cup of milkshake down on the ground, and I pulled my phone out of my bag, careful not to make a noise. I unlocked my phone and clicked on the camera icon. Click. Another click. One last? When!
"Nishio-chan?" He opened his eyes and found me adjusting my phone close to him.
Wonderful.
I froze. He caught me taking pictures of him... CHINATSU, YOU HUGE MORON!
"W-What are you doing..?" He asked me sitting straight and looking at me.
I didn't reply. What was I even supposed to tell him? That he was looking just so cute that I just had to capture it in my phone? Sure, why not!
He looked away and looked at the swings a few meters away from us. "Okay, what's this all about?" He asked me. Seriously. "I am not dumb, Nishio-chan. I did figure it all out. The lie about you going to the grocery store, talking about homework while taking a walk in the park. And that you..you were taking photos of me, right?"
I sat with my back straight, hands on my lap holding my phone tight. Head down, eyes looking at my feet. Cold wind blew around making the leaves on the ground fly. Yes, I lied. Just because I really wanted to be with you so bad! Even if its for a few seconds, I want you to stay with me a little longer. And, yes, I was taking pictures of you. Just so I can at least look at you whenever I miss you and when I realize that I can't... have you..
How do I explain him my feelings? How am I supposed to tell him how much I like him. How much I l-love him. How much he means to me. That my mind can't stop thinking about him. And that my heart can't stop loving him even more as hours pass. All those thoughts, don't know when, made my eyes wet. And he did hear my slow whimpers.
"Ni-shio, chan?"
Slow whimpers? No.
I literally began to cry. Crying my heart out. I was almost screaming, you know. Huge tears slipped out of my eyes really fast, traveled through my cheeks, and fell on my hands. I wanted to cover my face, but I wasn't able to move my hand. I wanted him to see my tears.
Please understand what my eyes are saying, my tongue can't say all that, K-Kotarou-kun.
"Onegai..." Was all I could say before covering my face with my hands. Please... Kota-kun... please understand what I'm trying to tell you..
"Here." I heard him say. When I moved my hands from my face, I saw him holding up his white napkin. I looked at him for few seconds before taking the piece of cloth from his hand. I wiped my cheeks which were really, really wet. I could even feel my eyes burn a bit.
"Are you okay..?" He asked with a soft voice.
I nodded and adjusted my hair a bit.
"W-what happened, Nishio-chan?" He asked looking at me.
I couldn't speak, actually. I was afraid if I'll start crying again if I speak anything.
"Nishio-chan?" He called out my name. Getting no reply again, he took off his blue scarf, stood up, stepped in front of me, and sat on his knee before me. His head was down.
I was stunned. "Ko...ta-?" Before I could even complete my sentence, he spoke up.
"Nishio-chan, its not like I'm not aware of the...reason you're crying. I...I'm sorry, I can't think of any way to help you at this point. Gomen." He said, still keeping his head down and not looking up at me.
My heart skipped a beat. I felt my heart being crushed, and my sight getting blur. Slow whimpers made their way out of my lips again. But...I stopped myself from crying.
I knew that the more I'll cry, the more Kota will feel bad. He'll develop guilt inside himself, and I don't want that. Chinatsu, dont cry. Be strong. Be brave. And, I kept saying that to myself. Until I finally gathered the courage to speak.
"K-Kotarou-kun.."
He looked at me. I stood up and put my hand on his shoulder telling him to stand up. He stood up and faced me.
"I know I can blame no one for all that I'm going through. Not even myself. I..." The desire which was developing inside my heart, I was not sure if it was okay. But, I did say it out. "Kota-kun, just one last time, let me look at you till my heart feels full." I said, looking in his eyes. He didn't say anything. But, after a few seconds, he looked away. I let out an awkward giggle.
I reminded myself that, I don't have the right to look at him this way. He's not okay with this. I could feel my eyes getting wet again. I put my hands on his shoulders telling him to look at me even its for only one second. Onegai...
And, no sooner did his eyes look into mine, those tears waiting to come out, made their way on my cheeks. I tightened my grip on his shoulders, and I cried looking down at my feet. Softer this time tho. I was really proud of myself for the same.
"Nishio...chan..." Hearing him say that with such a pampering voice, the little confidence and courage left inside me began to scatter.
I felt like I was gonna collapse. Thanks to him, he took my hands in his. That.. made me happy, and my heart calm down a little.
"Suki..." Before thinking, I told him. Feeling the warmth of his hands holding mine, I just had to tell him that. I never was and perhaps never will be able to tell every feeling of mine to him. But, I had the guts to tell him at least this. At least now he's sure that I still like him. That's almost enough for me.
"Thank you." An unexpected reply from him. "And...sorry.." He said.
I looked up at him. And then to his hands holding mine. Oh, how badly I wished he could hold them forever.
One sided love is painful. But, beautiful. I hate myself for this, and at the same time, I don't regret it.
That day was really special for me. All that time I spent with him, those memories are permanent. And, maybe.. even enough for me to survive.
After all, I can survive without him, but I can't live without him. I still sometimes ask myself, would I not be good enough?
~End~
Hey, guys! Thanks for reading through this. Seeing just one fanfic so far under this anime, it didn't feel right. Also, unlike many of you all, I like Chinatsu more than Akane. I don't object Akane×Kotarou, no! They look really good together. But, if it was Chinatsu whom Kotarou picked, I'd be happier. Kotatsu sounds better to me.
And as we know that Akane and Kotarou got married in future(they even showed their cute little baby), no one knows what happened to Chinatsu. So, I just thought of writing a little bit about that. Chinatsu really likes Kotarou, yah, and the fact that there was no scene in the anime about Chinatsu telling Kotarou her feelings, it just didn't feel satisfying. I thought if something happened between them letting Kotarou get at least a glimpse of Chinatsu's affection towards him, would be quite enough!
I totally l-o-v-e how this turned out tho!
And, yes, the cover picture is edited by me myself! Really enjoyed doing that! Anyways, please leave a review telling me what you think about this fanfic. Do check out my other stories too if you like. Byee!