I now know why caged birds sing
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– contains SPOILERS from the light novel, volume 6, particularly Even Though I'm Told I Now Have Wings –
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"Let's see. Was it perhaps, that you were told you didn't have to succeed in your family's business?"
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Houtarou likes dreaming. Perhaps, too much, if anyone asks. It shapes his reality to the point where he can't distinguish what is real and what is not. Most times when he dreams, things are just as out of control as in real life and he doesn't know if he likes that part or not.
The doorbell ringing is what wakes Houtarou up. Getting out of bed – it is an inevitable act, but it didn't mean that Houtarou couldn't, didn't, try. Earlier, he figured he could avoid the issue if he had just hit the snooze button on his alarm clock but now ...
After blinking at Sunday's morning sunbeam through his curtains, Houtarou shifts off his bed slowly and touches a spot on his neck. Damn, he slept wrong (and in). All this because of Chitanda's endless curiosity and a new mystery surrounding the village she lives in.
Houtarou takes his sweet time, wondering if he had imagined it all. He wants to go back to bed, maybe, if he just –
Ah, there sounds the doorbell again. This is no dream, this is reality. Houtarou guesses real life is just as unpredictable as dreams. This time, Houtarou cannot ignore it and descends down the stairs to see who is pulling him out of his preferred lifestyle.
In his distorted sleepy phase, Houtarou opens the front door without thinking. But, once he lays his eyes on the person before him, he instantly regrets it. His ears turn pink and, subconsciously, he pulls back the front door to shield himself.
"Ah – " A protest starts climbing up his throat before it falls back down into his belly. It's too late, she's seen him in all of his glory; more than messier hair and sky blue pyjamas. There's no going back now.
"You overslept," Chitanda says, pointing out the obvious.
"I overslept." Houtarou murmurs back.
"Am I too early?"
"I don't know? What time is it?" He doesn't feel like having a morning conversation just yet. He hasn't even brushed his teeth.
"Ten AM." The meeting is supposed to start at ten thirty ...
"It's … fine." Houtarou answers. It was better that Chitanda had woken him up early then him oversleeping and letting the other members of the Classics Club see him in such a state. Satoshi would laugh and Ibara would scoff.
"Shall I make some tea while you get dressed?" Chitanda asks, smiling.
He only hums, nodding his head and pushes the front door fully to let her in. Chitanda takes off her shoes and steps into the living room, clad in house slippers.
As Chitanda follows after Oreki, who gestures and shows her the way to the kitchen, Chitanda finds her loud eyes looking at the back of Oreki's bedhead. She knows she should be concentrating on his politeness, but her attention strays, it pulls her somewhere else.
Besides, doesn't Oreki know? There is no need for him to tell Chitanda where the cups and tea bags are, she's been here twice and has memorised everything. The only difference between the visits, the then and the now, is that; the second time Chitanda had come, Houtarou had managed to tidy himself up in time and the Classics Club still had Ohinata as a member.
Once again, Chitanda can't help but stare at the back of Houtarou's head. Thinking to herself, she muses how his catastrophic hair resembles a fluffy lion's mane.
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Satoshi calls in to cancel last minute, apparently, he has caught a cold and Mayaka follows after. Mayaka fusses and insists that she will not surrender any of her time away. She states that she must nurse Satoshi back to health and Houtarou can only think that love is a strange thing when Mayaka explains her reasoning. It's not like Satoshi's parents are away.
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They are walking to 'the scene of the crime' and, due to the narrow road, Houtarou has asked Chitanda to walk ahead while he follows behind her; staring at the outline of her straight posture, pink raincoat, and dark hair slightly shield by a pretty umbrella.
Chitanda leads the way, confident and so sure of herself. Houtarou does not find this odd, after all, Chitanda's future is paved before her, laid out before she was even born. Currently, in life, Chitanda knows where she is going. Houtarou, on the other hand, is getting there.
Houtarou cannot help but let his mind wander, he is walking behind Chitanda like last year when he had held a red umbrella for her. Again, there is a difference between then and now. The red umbrella previously used was to shield Chitanda from the sun. This time, the one Chitanda is holding, is shielding her from the light drizzle and she is holding it by herself.
While Chitanda has her umbrella held straight so that the rain will not leave a drop on her, Houtarou had positioned his by resting it on his shoulder, giving him a clear view of Chitanda and the grey clouds. And because of this, he gets side-tracked by his wider view, looking at his surroundings, walking more sluggishly than normal.
"Oreki-san?" Chitanda asks, turning just the slightest when she notes how Houtarou is five steps behind her.
"Coming." He says, but then falls behind again. He does this two or three more times. But, it's not his fault, everything is new to him.
For the few number of times that Houtarou does fall behind, he notices how Chitanda would look back at him. At first, he wonders why she would do such a thing until he understands – she is checking up on him, making sure he doesn't fall too behind, slowing down her pacing by the slightest so he would catch up.
Regardless, she does not tell him to hurry (and he makes a mental note not to rush her in the future too).
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Often, if not, always, Chitanda feels like a bird caged in, gazing at the sky.
She is the bird, the cage is the vast valley which her feelings cannot be cross nor be conveyed, and the limitless sky is the limitless possibility of her one hundred and one different emotions. Some familiar, some not, but all wanted.
Chitanda knows the land she walks on isn't prospering and that the village is old, she knows she is tied down but she lets is anyway. Chitanda thinks, it is the same reason why caged birds sing, because although they know that they are locked in, they still cling to the hope that open day, they can be free to fly in the wide sky again.
On days where Chitanda is stuck, she sings a little tune to cheer herself up. A song that is not hers. Despite this, it does not make it invalid. No, becomes sometimes, Chitanda doesn't understand herself. It's not invalid just because it is someone else's feelings. It just means that Chitanda takes everyone's emotions into consideration.
For now, all she can do is try to understand these emotions to the best of her abilities. Because, maybe one day, it might just be hers? Maybe she'll finally understand herself to find her own song?
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"I've received news that bothers me and I don't understand it myself. I think … there must be something wrong with me, Oreki-san. Please tell me what it is."
"Let's see. Was it perhaps, that you were told you didn't have to succeed in your family's business?"
"… Yes. Even though I'm told I can now live freely and choose what I want to do with my life; even though I'm told that the Chitanda household will be fine somehow so I don't have to worry; even though I'm told I now have wings, what am I supposed to do?"
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Chitanda does not remember when she started letting Oreki make decisions for her. It is … well … it is a mystery itself. Perhaps it was the day the two of them had met. Perhaps it was when Oreki had solved the Jun Sakitani incident. Perhaps Chitanda had just concluded that Houtarou Oreki's decision will always be the right decision. Maybe it was then. Maybe it was later. Maybe even now. Who knows?
However, the thing with blind following is: once it starts, it becomes a nasty habit. She knows it is. A terrible one really. She feels it in her bones.
But, like she said, once it starts, it's hard to stop because Eru Chitanda is used to people telling her what to do. She does not fight these traditions that show her how to shape her life as the Chitanda heiress; to get good grades, make herself dainty and presentable by speaking softly, walking with a straight back and holding her head high.
So then, if she is given all these advice and accepts it despite all its negatives, why is she so confused?
"What should I do?" Chitanda asks one day through the door of a little shed. Both she and Houtarou Oreki are in her aunt's garden. A door that is closed and firm is shielding her away from the cold rainy air and the decisions that lie as soon as she opens the said door. She asks Oreki again, "Should I go?"
Houtarou stares at the ground. He looks at the small ripples in the puddles made by the rain that came with dark clouds. Even without the door between them, he knows those big eyes of hers are searching and pulling him; hypnotic and yearning.
"Oreki-san?" Chitanda asks, if she was here by his side, her hands would be holding his and her eyes would gaze at him patiently. "Oreki-san, what should I do?" She asks again, without hesitance and relentless. Chitanda wants Oreki to decide for her. She expects him to.
A part of him wants to say to her 'I'm not sure. I'll think about it and get back to you' but he doesn't. No, instead, he wants to be considerate. Houtarou wants to consider Chitanda's thoughts and feelings just as he did when it came to Hongo-san and Ogi-sensei. He feels that this is her decision, not his. Houtarou remembers words he had once said in a frightening moment of realisation, "That makes me feel better" and realises this is Chitanda's reality. She will not feel satisfied if she does not take her own feelings into account.
At this moment, he doesn't feel the press of her hands on his or that familiar unavoidable gaze of hers, regardless, he feels obligated to answer her just as has always done so in the past. With all these possibilities, with all these doors open, Chitanda can now truly live a rose-coloured life. But, she's overwhelmed. And some part, a big part, of Houtarou understands this. Chitanda is the one who had coax him out of his shell and introduced him to this life, after all. It's understandable.
"That depends on you." Oreki answers finally.
He swears he hears her breath hitch.
"So, how about it? Do you think you can go?" Oreki asks instead. After all, Chitanda is a mystery herself. Perhaps, Oreki's biggest mystery to solve. He's trying to understand her but he's not exactly there yet. Not just yet.
This time, Chitanda is the one hesitating. Seconds pass slower than it should have. Oreki, he's ... He's not telling her to go?
She's never ...
Despite being one of the 'four noble families' as Satoshi Fukube's claims, Eru has never had the luxury to choose which direction she had wanted to go. It had always been a straight one with a clear view. The heriest of the Chitanda clan, farming to support the long lineage in her family. Often, she will get side-tracked, but for the longest time, Eru thought she knew that she would continue on her journey despite all the distractions. But now …
She's done everything in her power to not fall into the red. She's studied hard, learning the mechanics of school subjects needed to get her to this point. She's remained on the top five. She's chosen sciences as she knows herself well that she won't succeed in businesses.
All these considerations made by Eru for her family, not once questioning if they will consider her thoughts or feelings or both or more. But right now, this moment, Oreki is asking her. He is asking her to think for herself, about herself and decide for herself. He's asking her the one thing she's never considered and, just like that, he solves another mystery for her.
From this, Chitanda thinks she may just grasp this feeling in her chest that she's been trying to understand. And suddenly, she's curious. She's curious. She's –
"You're not telling me to go?" Eru finds herself saying instead.
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"What will you do with your future, Chitanda?" Oreki asks, handing her his career guide after she had danced around the issue for oh-so long.
Chitanda pauses, which is strange. The Classics Club room is quiet and her legs are tucked away like her thoughts.
Houtarou knows Chitanda is the type that rarely hesitates. She almost never does, Chitanda usually dives through, guided by her strong emotions. As long as she has a goal then it's tunnel vision for her until she solves the mystery and gets the answer. Chitanda did not hesitate the first day when they had met, neither did she hesitate the day she almost leads him into the girls' bathroom to find Ibara's lost chocolate or all the times falling in between when they had known each other.
So why should Chitanda hesitate now? Yes, there is no science side or business side or any side to choose because Chitanda is now free like a bird. The only problem is, she just hasn't grasped the concept yet, she just sits quizzically at the open cage door and wonders, 'Do I want to fly?'. But, Oreki is asking. He is asking her to fly. To consider it, at the very least, it's the most she can do.
"I know that I can choose to go or stay." He says. He knows what it's like to feel lost for the longest time. He did take a long holiday, after all, so he asks, "But, will you go or will you stay?"
He is asking her if she would fly anywhere … and Chitanda doesn't know what to say.
If she were to say 'yes', if she were to agree, would she be living a life so big and different from her little village life? Like Satoshi's who has multiple career paths with his multiple talents. Like Mayaka who could be a manga artist? Like Oreki who tells her he had consider business? Or like Oreki's sister, Tomoe, who flies around the world, being wild and adventurous. All these questions, they are something that she never thought to stop and consider. Does she want to fly? It leaves her only heart beating fast because she is hesitating and Oreki is not.
Chitanda does not say anything but she thinks of change and accepts the career book in Oreki's hand.
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They are back on the path Chitanda had taken them not so long ago, where the road is narrow and then not. Houtarou has proposed an answer to her curiosity, but they need to go back to the source. There is a need to double-check and reconfirm; answers are never as easy as they seem.
The smell of petrichor is in the air, but, something else, new and sweet, tickles Houtarou's nose too and his clever eyes immediately zeros in on the back of Chitanda's head.
She immediately notices and turns like she is afraid that he'll fall behind again.
Honestly, this girl. Houtarou can't help but think. It's not like he's going to stray off. He thinks, he will follow her for as long as he can.
"I changed my shampoo." Chitanda says. Maybe Chitanda's sharp ears had heard the sound of Oreki's small sniff. Or maybe she had read and solved the mystery in his head before he had even said it. Either way, Chitanda's understanding Oreki better now as he is with her, they are growing as people. "It's rose scented."
"Ah."
At some point, the road expands and Houtarou finds himself walking side by side with Chitanda. Chitanda too, has closed the gap between them by walking over to him. Now that he's closer to her, he can't help but look at her. He notes the change, the ups and down. Everything about Chitanda is a whirlwind of rose-pink. He watches her; pretty umbrella above her equally pretty head, hands angled, elbows jutting out and shaped like wings ready to spread –
"Oreki-san," Chitanda says in the same gentle voice she's always enquired. His name on her lips breaks him out of his thoughts.
"Yes?" He replies, but turns away, looking at the land that no longer binds anyone. He scratches the back of his head, making it messy.
This time, the image of the back of Houtarou's head flashes in her mind – a lion's mane. "You're staring."
All Houtarou can do is answer her with a strong hum. Chitanda probably doesn't know this, or maybe she does, but Oreki had worked out and deducted something a long time ago. He is absolutely positively certain – Eru Chitanda is free. There is no doubt about it.
Without saying anything, Oreki looks back at her and notes how Chitanda is blinking twice as fast at him. She is curious as always and he smiles. She smiles back.
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end
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Notes 1
I dyed the tips of my hair a sort of shocking pink and deep purple and am deeply pleased with myself!
Notes 2
This fic has been sitting in my laptop since September 2017 but I never got around to it because I just never felt like it was good enough. I literally wrote everything else but this! Also, apparently I edited this in June and figured I was going to post it then but even so, HERE WE ARE!
Now that I'm finally done with this fic, I just need to update colour me curious which I have no plot whatsoever! Any suggestions?
Personally, I can't stand mystery. I can't sit through them or piece things together. Nancy Drew was not part of my childhood and I would have had a nightmare of a time if I were to read Holmes or Christy. But, I don't think I'm all that surprised that I love Hyouka because I love character development.
– 21 October 2018