Clueless
I'm not the type of girl that lets people see what is wrong. That's just not the way I am. If it's something major, like a loss, then sure, I can't really help something like that. But over a matter of being in love with one of the thickest boys I have ever met who has absolutely no clue whatsoever that I am even slightest bit in love with him, no matter how many hints I drop, how many times I accidentally-on-purpose bump into him or brush his hand? Well, for something as silly as that, I don't like to complain. It may show in small doses, maybe only to those who know me well, but I like to think I am reasonably good at concealing my feelings.
Ronald Weasley is the only thing I think about. How pathetic is that? I have exams to be thinking about, the fact that Harry seems to be sleeping with his potions book, and is completely clueless as to how to start things with Ginny, yet all I can think about it how I am going to get that ridiculously gorgeous redhead to realise that it's me he wants. Bushy haired, book-loving Granger. Yeah, that'll happen. Not to mention Harry keeps disappearing off for these lessons with Dumbledore, learning all about Voldemort. There is too much for a girl to think about when the love of her life is blind and can't see what's right in front of him.
And he actually is interested in Lavender? I mean, really, it's just ridiculous. The girl has showed no interest in him for the past I don't know how many years, and then all of a sudden, he is the most fascinating thing she has seen and this seems to give her the right to snog him senseless in front of me and everyone else who has the unfortunate timing of being around when they decide to have one of their sessions.
Now, listen to me, rambling in my own head. This is just ridiculous. I have an essay for Snape to finish, and this is all I can think about. And I keep saying that to myself. It's like this boy is a drug, like my mind is stuck on him, like a CD that keeps on skipping at the same point. Even now, sitting alone in the common room at this late hour-Harry has taken Ron out to see Slughorn for some crazy reason, and I am determined to finish this essay tonight-when I know I should be writing, I can see his soft eyes, his stupid hair and his horribly cute smile. What on earth is wrong with me?
All of a sudden someone bursts into the common room, making me jump and almost knock over my ink. I look up and Harry is in front of me, breathless and with a terrified look on his face. I stand up immediately.
"Ron." It's all he has to say and I am with him, following him, my heart instantly pounding in my chest. Without either of us speaking, I follow him through the darkened castle and when we appear to be heading towards the hospital wing, I get worried.
"Harry! Slow down - what is it? Is he okay?" I manage to ask, my breath coming in short bursts as I try to keep up with him. He notices I am struggling to keep up and he slows down slightly as he explains.
"He accidentally took a love potion so I took him to Slughorn to sort him out and he was really down after coming out of it. Slughorn gave him a drink and the second it touched his lips he fell down;it was poison." We rounded a corner and the door to the hospital wing came into view. I broke into a run, Harry trailing behind. As I burst through the door, I spotted his bed instantly. Dumbledore, Snape, Slughorn, McGonagall and of course Madam Pomfrey surround his bed and I stand anxiously as close as I can get. I am shocked at how pale he looks and I feel for a second as if my heart has stopped. I look around to see Harry standing back slightly, talking to Dumbledore and the other teachers about waking Ginny and contacting the rest of the family. Madam Pomfrey moves away from the bed and gives me a small smile.
"He will be okay, love," She says and it's like a weight has been lifted. I take the seat next to the bed and take hold of his hand. It's warm and fits perfectly in mine, which secretly gives me butterflies. The other teachers leave and Harry stands next to me.
"I think I'm going to go find Ginny and tell her," He says awkwardly, though I'm sure McGonagall would already be on her way to do just that. Harry gives me a pat on the shoulder and leaves the hospital wing. It's just me and Ron, and I sigh slightly, holding his hand even tighter.
"You scared me tonight, Ron. I don't know if you can hear me, but you really scared me. I'm not sure what I would do if you. . .well, I'm really glad you're okay," His eyelids flicker slightly and I hold my breath, but he seems to go back to sleep.
"I'm going to tell you something now, Ron. I don't know if you'll remember it or not, maybe subconsciously you will. It might make you a little nicer to me, who knows. But please, if you do remember, let me down. . .easy, okay? I-I'm really nervous about telling you this, and the fact that you're not even awake as I'm speaking doesn't even help. For all I know you're listening to every word I say, which would be totally something you would do, wouldn't it? So if you are, tell me right now!" I waited for a second, then admonished myself for rambling to someone who couldn't even hear me.
"So, this is how it is. I love you. There, I said it. Crazy, right? I mean, really, it's such a crazy thing to say, but it's true, I can promise you that. I know you're with Lavender-" I said the word with such disgust I surprised even myself. "-but I feel as if I need to tell you this now or maybe I never will. You may ask, were you awake, how long I have felt this way and had you have just asked that, I'm not sure I would be inclined to answer, as it is a rather long time and that would just be embarrassing,"
I pause in what I am saying, and turn around at a noise in the distance. After a beat when nothing happens, I turn back and give Ron a small smile, even if he can't see it.
"I'm going to stay here tonight, I'm sure Madam Pomfrey won't mind. I hope when you wake up you remember what I've said. I hope you feel. . .a little bit the same back. I hope Lavender understands when you break up with her. Oh, look at me getting ahead of myself. Just - even if you don't want me, get rid of her," I whispered, as if afraid that Lavender would jump out from behind the curtain and hex me into next year; although if that happened, I would be more than happy to defend myself. "She is no good for you, you could do. . .much better. Well, I should let you get some sleep. What a stupid thing to say! Hopefully you wake up soon. Goodnight."
I stand up and lean forward, kissing him softly on the forehead, and brushing his hair out of his eyes. He sighed quietly in his sleep, and turned slightly towards me. A smile crossed my face as I sat back down and rested my head on the side of the bed-a rather awkward position to sleep in, but holding Ron's hand in mine made up for any loss of sleep due to this uncomfortable sleeping position.
I woke up suddenly. The dream had been so real, the feelings that I had felt those years ago seemed to have returned and for a second I panicked, thinking I was still that 16 year old girl harbouring feelings for one of her best friends in the middle of a war, desperately hoping he would feel the same back and not knowing what to do about it. I sat up in bed and reached for my drink of water on the bedside table. Ron stirred next to me.
"You okay 'Mione?" He mumbled from under the covers. My heart still leapt at his use of my name in that way. I placed my drink back on the table and crawled back down under the covers. Ron turned to face me and we lay face to face, our arms around each other. He lazily opened his eyes and in the low light of the morning, I saw him smiling.
"What're you smiling for? It's not even 5am, you don't usually grunt before 11!" I whispered, prodding him slightly in the side.
"I had this amazing dream," He whispered back, pulling me closer and placing a light kiss on my nose. "I was in bed, not this one, though - I can't quite place it. It's familiar, though - maybe my bed at the Burrow? But I was pretending to sleep and you were next to my bed, holding my hand and telling me to leave Lavender and get with you. You told me you loved me."
My eyes widened and I looked at this man in front of me. "You are joking? I had a dream we were back in sixth year, it was the night you got poisoned and I was next to you, telling you how I felt for the first time!"
Ron smiled even wider, his grin pulling on my heartstrings. "I remember that; you were so nervous!"
"You were awake?"
"No, no -you told me about it, remember?" I searched his face and found what I was looking for. A glint in his eye, that look I had become so used to.
"You cheeky bugger! You were awake, weren't you? I never told you any of that, only that I stayed that night with you. You were supposed to be out to it!" I swatted his arm lightly and he grinned, if possible, even wider.
"Not long before you and Harry got there, Madam Pomfrey woke me up to check my memory was okay, that I knew who I was and that. Then she told me to get some sleep. I wasn't finding it easy to fall asleep, so I just lay there with my eyes closed and listened to your beautiful voice." I was slightly shocked at his confession, and a tiny bit annoyed that my big confession had been heard.
"Don't think telling me I have a beautiful voice is going t-" He shuts me up with a kiss and I let him. Being able to kiss Ron has always been one of the perks of this relationship, and I indulge in it whenever possible. Thank goodness he saw sense and left Lavender. Or rather, she left him after he murmured my name in his sleep. Why am I thinking about this when Ron is trailing kisses down my neck? As his hands find my lower back and the kiss deepens, I smile to myself, and let myself enjoy what he was doing to me. This was the man - or should I still be calling him a boy? - that I loved and whether he knew it back then, or whether he knew it now, it only mattered that he knew it.