{We see Kate Mulgrew standing in a white room}
Kate: Hello. My name is Kate Mulgrew, and I play Captain Janeway of Star Trek: Voyager. The producers have decided to show you one of the never-before-seen-episodes that took place in Season 3, before we got Seven.
(Several thousand guys reach to turn it off)
Kate: Wait! Don't touch that remote! You'll get to see Kes, B'Elanna, and myself. Isn't that exciting?
(Several thousand guys think for a minute, then reach to turn it off)
Kate: There's lots of action.
(They're still reaching)
Kate: And sex.
(They stop and sit back down.)
Kate: (Smiles) Good. That worked. Well, I'll let you watch this exciting, never-before-seen-episode.
{The show starts! We open with a view of Janeway, complete with Powerbun, walking down the corridor. Chakotay joins her.}
Chakotay: Captain.
Janeway: Chakotay.
Chakotay: Where are you headed?
Janeway: (Stops) You know, I don't know.
Chakotay: I see. Well, have you read the script?
Janeway: Yeah. Another episode entirely on the ship. I guess the budget's a bit low.
Chakotay: Probably. Want to join me in the Mess Hall?
Janeway: That would be delightful.
{Scene change to Sickbay. The Doctor and Kes are there.}
Kes: How about...Neelix?
Doctor: No, I would definitely NOT want my name to be Neelix.
Kes: But Neelix is SO cute!
Doctor: No, I need a name that shows intelligence, creativity, and...well...me.
Kes: But isn't Neelix cute?
Doctor: (Rolls eyes) Yes, Neelix is cute. Okay? Now give me another suggestion.
Kes: (Thinks) How about Neelix?
Doctor: You'd think with those ears she'd be able to hear me better.
{Scene change to the bridge. Tuvok is in command! Harry and Tom are there, too.}
Harry: So, I'm gonna die in this episode?
Tuvok: Naturally.
Tom: How'd you think you're gonna die this week?
Harry: Dunno. I hope it's not too painful. I scream like a girl.
Tom: You do?
Harry: Yeah.
Tom: Scream.
Harry: No way.
Tom: I want to hear!
Tuvok: Mr. Paris, please attend to your station and stop harassing the ensign.
(Tom turns around, and once he does, Tuvok sticks his tongue out at him.)
Tom: (Mumbles) Pointy-eared idiot.
Tuvok: I heard that.
Tom: I don't care.
Tuvok: Do you want to be sent to the brig for insubordination?
Tom: Go ahead. I'd like to see you try.
(Tuvok stands up and does the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to Tom.)
Tuvok: Ensign Kim, please watch the bridge while I escort Mr. Paris to the brig.
Harry: Cool! I get the command!
(Harry jumps up and sits in the big chair. Unimportant extras fill the empty stations)
Unimportant Extra #1: Ensign, I'm detecting a random energy surge heading towards us.
Harry: (Delighted at the chance to actually DO something, stands up) Red alert! Battle stations!
Unimportant Extra #2: It's an energy surge, not an enemy ship.
Harry: Oh yeah. Well, Red alert, still! Scan it!
Unimportant Extra #1: It is going to hit us in 5...
Harry: I need that scan.
Unimportant Extra #1: (Ignoring Harry) 4...
Harry: Maybe we can create a polymagnetic shield around the ship...
Unimportant Extra #1: 3...
Harry: Or an ionic metablizer...
Unimportant Extra #1: 2...
Unimportant Extra #2: Brace for impact!
Unimportant Extra #1: 1!
(The ship shakes, shudders, and stops. The lights are out.)
Harry: Well, good job all around there. Promotions for everyone!
{Scene change to B'Elanna's quarters. She is asleep, for some odd reason. Let's just say she wasn't feeling well. Anyway, she's asleep, and somehow manages to sleep through the ship bouncing around. A little cloud comes and enters her body. Gee, I bet you can't guess what happened there.}
B'Elanna: (Wakes up suddenly)
(Dramatic music plays)
{Switch to the bridge. Janeway and Chakotay have entered.}
Janeway: What on earth is going on?
Unimportant Extra #1: Harry was in command.
Harry: Sorry.
Janeway: (Glares at him until he scuttles back to his station) Report.
Harry: Nothing happened.
Chakotay: Except for the power went out, the ship got rocked around, etc.
Harry: Well, yeah. But I thought that that was too obvious to mention.
(Kes enters)
Kes: Something is wrong.
Janeway: What gave you that clue? The shaking or the power going out?
Kes: (Ignoring Janeway) There's a presence here. (She starts wandering around in a telepathic daze.)
(Janeway crosses her arms and waits for Kes to get to the point. Kes, instead, runs into a console and stubs her toe.)
Kes: Ow! (She rubs her foot)
Janeway: Kes, we are in the middle of an important investigation. Now either tell us what's wrong or get off the bridge.
Kes: I don't know. I can't pinpoint it. But SOMETHING'S wrong here.
(Tuvok enters.)
Janeway: Tuvok! Just in time! Take Kes to her quarters and leave her there. She's getting on my nerves.
Tuvok: (Nods and takes Kes away.)
Chakotay: Captain, maybe we should listen to her.
Janeway: (Yawns) Okay, sure. Come on. (She holds out her fist. Chakotay does likewise.)
(They both shake their fists three times, then stop. Janeway's stopped at paper and Chakotay on rock.)
Janeway: Paper covers rock. I win.
Chakotay: I always lose!
Janeway: Yeah, well, I'm captain. So there! (She taps her commbadge) Captain to B'Elanna, we need your assistance.
B'Elanna: (Over comm in evil voice) I'll be right there.
{Scene change to conference room. Everybody's there minus Tom and Kes(And the Doc who doesn't have his mobile emitter yet).}
Janeway: So, this surge caused our power to go out -
B'Elanna: (Lets out an evil laugh)
Janeway: Is something wrong?
B'Elanna: Tribble in my throat.
Janeway: Oh. Okay.
B'Elanna: (Laughs again)
Janeway: Maybe you should see the Doctor about that.
B'Elanna: (Coyly) Oh, I'm just fine, Captain.
Janeway: Well, anyway. We're looking into a way to -
B'Elanna: (Laughs again)
Janeway: Okay, B'Elanna. Since you're so eager to speak. Go ahead and give your report.
B'Elanna: It's hopeless! Ha! There's no WAY to get the power back on! We'll be stranded here! Stuck! To DIE!! (She laughs so hard that she falls out of her chair and starts rolling around on the floor)
Chakotay: It's not as bad as it seems, B'Elanna.
Janeway: Yes, well. We'll find a way out of here. We always do. Harry, go down to engineering with B'Elanna and see if you can find us a way out of here. Everybody else is dismissed!
(Everybody files out, leaving Chakotay and Janeway)
Janeway: You know, what we need is a super-sexy, super-smart woman who can fix everything within 5 minutes.
Chakotay: (Laughs) Like that's going to happen!
{Scene change to the brig. Tom is sitting there, staring at the guard.}
Tom: You know, it gets rather boring here.
Guard: (Shrugs)
Tom: And there's no bathroom here. So I gotta hold it in.
Guard: (Shrugs)
Tom: And there's nothing in the form of entertainment except for your shrugging.
Guard: (Shrugs)
Tom: (Sighs and starts running his finger along the force field) You know, this hurts, but at least I can make pretty patterns to entertain myself.
Guard: (Shrugs)
{Scene change to engineering. A remote area of it. B'Elanna and Harry are working alone. This spells doom for our young ensign.}
B'Elanna: (Thumps on a console with the palm of her hand while chanting) We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
Harry: I think the stress is getting to you, B'Elanna.
B'Elanna: (Laughs)
(Suddenly, a thumping sound can be heard, along with muffled cries of anguish.)
Harry: What's that?
B'Elanna: (Still laughing)
(Frenzied music starts playing along with weird camera effects and Harry looks around, trying to determine the source of the sound. It's coming from the wall!)
Harry: Somebody's in there!
(Harry rushes to the wall. B'Elanna has keeled over laughing and is rolling on the floor, again)
Harry: There seems to be a panel or something. I'm gonna try to get it off.
(Harry opens the panel...and Joe Carey falls out! His limbs are stiff and he can't get up.)
Carey: Thank God! I got stuck in there accidentally while doing some maintenance and have been stuck there ever since. Nobody ever goes back here, so they never heard me.
Harry: How'd you survive? What did you eat?
Carey: Bio-neural gel packs.
Harry: (Makes a face) Eww..
B'Elanna: (Starts hyperventilating from laughing so hard.)
Carey: Is she okay?
Harry: Well, you know how Klingons are.
(B'Elanna stands up and beckons for Harry to follow her. Harry, never to refuse a beautiful woman, does.)
B'Elanna: Harry...I want to give you something...
Harry: What?
(All of the sudden, a cloud comes out of B'Elanna and enters Harry! B'Elanna faints to the ground. Harry blinks a couple times and shakes his head)
Harry: (In a bad imitation of Neo) Whoa.
{Scene change to the brig again. Kes has come to visit Tom.}
Kes: Listen, I know you're upset. But could you sit still while I'm trying to talk to you?
(Tom is hopping around the cell like a madman)
Tom: I - HAVE - TO - GO - TO - THE - BATHROOM!!!
Kes: Well, you could be more dignified about it.
Tom: How about I wet my pants? How dignified would THAT be??
Kes: (To guard) Hey, he REALLY has to go. Isn't this cruel and unusual punishment?
Guard: (Shrugs)
Kes: (Shrugs) I tried.
(Tom, trying to distract himself from his urgent need, has resorted to banging his head against the wall while hopping on one foot.)
Tom: Awww....man! This is torture!
Kes: Well, what can I do for you?
Tom: TALK TO THE CAPTAIN!!!
Kes: Oh. Okay.
{Switch to Sickbay. B'Elanna is lying on the bed, recovering. Harry brought her in. The Doc and Carey are also there.}
Doctor: Thanks to my medical greatness, she'll live.
Carey: What happened to her?
Doctor: She fainted.
Harry: (Laughs evilly)
Doctor: What are you laughing at?
Harry: Excuse me. I have to go visit a friend. (He laughs, then leaves)
{Scene change to the Captain's Ready Room. Janeway is in there, drumming her fingers on the desk. Kes enters.}
Janeway: Yes, Kes.
Kes: Captain -
Janeway: Hey, that rhymed!
Kes: What?
Janeway: "Yes, Kes." It rhymes!
Kes: Uh...yeah. I've come to make a plea that you release Tom.
Janeway: Release him?
Kes: Yes.
Janeway: From where?
Kes: He's in the brig.
Janeway: Why?
Kes: Beats me, but he desperately needs to visit the little boys' room.
Janeway: Well, go down and let him out. While you're at it, tell B'Elanna to hurry up with those repairs. I can't play Minesweeper with the power down.
Kes: Thanks, Captain.
(Kes leaves)
{Scene change to the brig, again. Harry is there now with Paris, who is slumped in the corner, legs drawn up under him.}
Harry: (Laughing) Niagara falls! Water whooshing...rushing...gushing
Paris: (High-pitched voice) Please....stop...
Harry: Think of the sound a toilet makes. WHHHOOOOSSSSHHH!!
Paris: (Covering ears) I can't hear you! I can't hear you!
Harry: (Rolls on the floor laughing.)
(Kes enters, shocked at what's going on.)
Kes: (To guard) Didn't you think to stop this?
Guard: (Shrugs)
Kes: Captain Janeway says to release him.
Guard: (Shrugs, but gets up and turns off the force field.)
(Tom rushes out, nearly knocking Kes over on the way.)
Harry: Aww....you ruined my fun.
Kes: Something is wrong with you, Harry. I can feel it.
(Suddenly! A cloud comes out of Harry and into Kes! Harry faints. Kes looks at him and starts laughing evilly. Then she walks out.)
Guard: (Shrugs)
{Scene change to the airponics bay. You remember that room that got Sevenized once Kes left. Kes is in there, dancing around. Neelix enters.}
Kes: (Running to him) NEELIX!!
Neelix: Why, hello, Kes. I see you're in a good mood.
Kes: (Dances around him, laughing) I get to go to meditate with TUVOK today!
Neelix: That sounds exciting.
Kes: I know. I LIKE Tuvok. (She giggles)
Neelix: Really?
Kes: Yep!
Neelix: Well, I came to ask you out for dinner tonight.
Kes: I'm gonna be with TUVOK!
Neelix: (Disappointed) Of course. Silly me. I better go.
Kes: (Laughing) Bye-bye!
{Scene change to the Captain's Ready Room. Janeway is banging her head on her desk. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: Is there a problem?
Janeway: (Banging head) One mine. Two mines. Three mines. Four mines...
Chakotay: B'Elanna's in Sickbay, you know.
Janeway: (Stops banging her head) Why?
Chakotay: She fainted. But you can temporarily make Carey the chief engineer so that he can fix the power.
Janeway: Carey? Who's that?
Chakotay: Starfleet guy. Ran for chief engineer, lost to B'Elanna. We thought he was a spy for the Kazon...
Janeway: No, don't remember him.
Chakotay: Well, anyway, he can fix things.
Janeway: Fine, then. Whatever!
(Chakotay leaves and Janeway starts banging her head on her desk again)
Janeway: Another mine! And another! 5 mines! 6 mines!
{Scene change to Sickbay. Tom is visiting B'Elanna, who has woken up.}
Tom: And you know another thing I don't like about you?
B'Elanna: Sure. Why not?
Tom: Those bumps on your forehead. They're weird.
B'Elanna: So you're saying that I'm weird because I'm a Klingon?
Tom: Yes.
B'Elanna: (Suddenly lunges at Tom, knocking him to the ground) I'll kill you with my bare hands!
(Doc enters)
Doctor: (Separating them.) Please. You're acting like a married couple.
Tom: Like I'd ever be married to HER!
B'Elanna: Well, you ain't so nice to look at, either.
Doctor: Well, if you're going to fight, do so OUTSIDE my Sickbay.
Tom: (Sticks his tongue out at B'Elanna and leaves)
{Scene change to Tuvok's quarters. Kes is there with Tuvok and one of those little candles.}
Kes: (Keeps laughing)
Tuvok: This meditation will not work if you persist in your laughing.
Kes: (Points) Pointy ears! Can I pinch one?
Tuvok: What?
Kes: (Reaches over and pinches his ear, then shrieks with laughter) Oooo! That was fun! Let me do it again!
Tuvok: (Catches her arm as she reaches to pinch his ear again) You will stop that, now.
(Suddenly, a cloud comes out of Kes and enters Tuvok! Kes faints.)
Tuvok: (Laughs) Hey! I have pointy ears! (He pinches his ears) Ow! That kinda hurt! (He laughs, then leaves.)
{Scene change to the conference room. Janeway, Chakotay, Tom, Neelix, Tuvok, and Carey are there.}
Carey: There seems to be something wrong. B'Elanna faints for no reason, then soon after, Harry does the same. Now Kes is missing. There's also the problem of the power. There seems to be no way of getting it back up.
Janeway: Is this going somewhere or are you TRYING to bore me?
Carey: I believe an entity has boarded this ship and is jumping from crewman to crewman -
Janeway: "Crewperson". Politically correct.
Carey: Yes, well. I believe that as long as this entity is onboard, the power will stay off.
Janeway: (Her eyes goes wide) No Minesweeper?
Carey: (Shakes his head) No Minesweeper.
Chakotay: (Pats Janeway's arm) Be strong, Kathryn.
Tuvok: (Starts laughing evilly)
Tom: How can we tell if someone's possessed?
Carey: They laugh a lot.
Tuvok: (Keeps laughing)
Neelix: Well, what's the entity's purpose in being here?
Carey: Like I know! You expect me to know everything?
Everybody: (Nods)
Carey: Ask the Doctor. He'll know better than me!
Janeway: Ask a machine? A tool? A piece of technology for help?
Carey: Yeah.
Janeway: That's stupid.
Carey: (Leans over to her) No more Minesweeper...
Janeway: (Tears fill her eyes) Let's go see the Doctor.
{Scene change to Sickbay. Doc is there, mumbling to himself in typical Season 3 fashion. Suddenly, a large group of people walk in. Janeway, Chakotay, Tom, Neelix, Carey, and Tuvok enter.}
The Doctor: What's this? A parade?
Janeway: There's an entity onboard. We want you to find it.
The Doctor: What's the magic word?
Janeway: Oh come on! You're just a machine!
The Doctor: Actually, I have feelings just like everybody else.
Chakotay: Guys, this is an "entity takes over the ship" episode, not a "let's debate the use of the Doc" episode.
The Doctor: My apologies.
Janeway: Mine as well.
The Doctor: Well, I guess I could scan all of you and look for any weird entity things.
Janeway: (Nods)
(Doc gets his little medical magical thingy and starts scanning everybody. He pauses at Tuvok)
The Doctor: This is strange.
Janeway: What?
The Doctor: There's something inside him!
Tuvok: (Laughs) Ha! (He starts skipping around the room) I am the entity! I am the entity!
Janeway: (Trying to be diplomatic) What do you want?
Tuvok: Just to have some fun! It gets BORING by myself!
Janeway: You're boring me. Leave.
Tuvok: (Tugs on Janeway's Powerbun) Ha! That's one strong bun!
(Janeway gets mad. NO ONE touches the bun.)
Janeway: (Steely voice) Tuvok, take this entity to the brig.
(Chakotay whispers something to Janeway)
Janeway: Oh! You're right. Who'll take him to the brig then?
Chakotay: (Shrugs)
Janeway: (To Tuvok) Stay here. I'm going to go hold a conference. (To Doc) Doctor, watch him
The Doctor: (As everyone but Tuvok leaves) I'm a doctor, not a watchdog.
{Scene change to conference room. Everybody's there now, minus the Doc and Tuvok.}
Janeway: Suggestions.
Carey: I'm sure with enough technobabble we can find a way out of this.
B'Elanna: No, we can't. It's hopeless.
Tom: Well, aren't you Miss Optimistic?
B'Elanna: Better than being Mr. Stupid.
Tom: You take that back!
B'Elanna: No, YOU take what you said back!
Janeway: Children, children. Settle down. I'm going through Minesweeper-deprivation and I'm NOT in a good mood.
Chakotay: I have an idea.
Janeway: Yes?
Chakotay: We get the entity to go into some unimportant person's body, then drop them off on an inhabited planet. The entity will have a lot of fun there.
Janeway: That just might work. But who?
(Everybody looks at Carey.)
Carey: No...no!
Janeway: You're not doing anything.
Carey: Come on! I've been stuck in the wall for months! Now this?
Janeway: (Places a hand on his shoulder) We thank you for your sacrifice. Everybody back to Sickbay!
{Scene change to Sickbay. Tuvok and the Doc are skipping around.}
Tuvok and The Doctor: (Singing) ...it just goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was! And they'll continue singing it forever just because...
(Everybody else enters, led by Janeway.)
Tuvok and The Doctor: ...this is the song that never ends! It just goes on and...
Chakotay: My gosh, he got the Doctor!
The Doctor: (Stops singing) Actually, no. He started singing to annoy me when I found that he had a rather nice voice. I decided to join him.
Janeway: Get him to stop.
The Doctor: (Whacks Tuvok) Stop!
Tuvok: (Laughs) You hit me!
Janeway: We have a deal for you.
Tuvok: What?
Janeway: (Pushes Carey in front of Tuvok) Possess this dude right here. We'll drop you off on the nearest inhabited planet, where you can have lots of fun. Just leave us alone.
Tuvok: (Shrugs) Okay.
(Suddenly, that little cloud comes out of Tuvok and enters Carey! Tuvok faints to the ground.)
Carey: (Starts laughing, then we runs around Sickbay with his arms outstretched on either side) Whheeeee! This is fun!
(Close in on Janeway's steely face)
Janeway: Let's beam him to the planet.
{Scene change to Janeway walking down a corridor. Chakotay runs up to her.}
Chakotay: Well, this was a partly successful episode.
Janeway: Partly?
Chakotay: Harry didn't die.
Janeway: (Freezes, then turns to Chakotay.) He didn't?
Chakotay: (Shakes his head)
Janeway: (Steely look) We'll see about that.
{Scene change to Bridge. Tuvok is in command! Harry and Tom are there, too.}
Tom: I can't believe you didn't die!
Harry: Neither can I.
Tuvok: Silence, both of you!
(Janeway enters with Chakotay)
Harry: Hi, Cap-
(Janeway pulls out her phaser(rifle, that is) and shoots Harry.)
Janeway: Tom, take Harry to Sickbay immediately. We have a medical emergency!
Tom: (Nods and gets up and drags Harry out.)
Janeway: I'm going to play Minesweeper.
(Janeway goes into her Ready Room.)
{Scene change to an inhabited planet somewhere in the Delta Quadrant. There's a busy street of people, going about their business. And Carey is skipping around, laughing evilly.}
{Scene change to Kate Mulgrew again.}
Kate: You're very privileged to have seen that.
(A pause)
Kate: I know there wasn't much action in it.
(Another pause)
Kate: Or sex.
(Yet another pause)
Kate: But they have plenty of that on that wonderful family show: WWF Smackdown, also on UPN! (She leans over off-camera and whispers) Did I say that right? Good. (Turns back to the audience) Thank you for watching. Bye-bye, now!
AN cont'd: Please excuse any time discrepancies. It's been a long time since Season 3. And does anybody else miss Carey?