Sirius Black was in love.

Yes.

Sirius Black was in love. And no, not with Remus. Go away, you silly fangirl, you. He was in love with a beautiful creature, a beautiful creature known as…Ripper.

Sirius remembers when he met the gorgeous specimen. It was a summers' night in 1993, and dear old Padfoot was lurking in Privet Drive, creeping on his godson, as you do, when all of a sudden, he heard a scream. He lifted his snout in the air and saw some fat old lady wafting through the night sky, like a lardy Chinese lantern. He sighed and looked back down, shaking his head. Where Harry got his temper from, he really didn't know.

That's when he saw him.

It was love at first sight. It's funny how these things turn out. Sirius always thought he'd fall in love with some hot chick who had huge-ass tits. But no. He fell in love with a dog.

And he fucking loved it.

So, there he was, admiring a dog chasing after the woman in the sky (with diamonds.), and, well… Sirius really didn't know how to go about it… He didn't even know its gender! Do dogs flirt? Or would he just approach the thing and hump it? Or sniff its butt? He never sniffed Remus' butt… Damn, for being an Animagus for so long, Sirius really didn't know how to act like a dog. So, he winged it.

STEP ONE: Catch up with the dog you happen to be smitten with.

STEP TWO: Attempt to flirt, receive 'da fuq you on bitch' looks from the dog.

STEP THREE: Attempt to hump the dog.

STEP FOUR: Bitch ain't having that.

STEP FIVE: Let the dog hump you instead! Feels good, man.

STEP SIX: ?

STEP SEVEN: PROFIT!

Now, a few months after this happened, and Sirius was hiding… somewhere near Hogwarts, he and Remus were on good terms again, you could go as far to say they were bros. Seeing as these bros were on bro terms, Sirius figured he could tell his bro about his hoe… Right? It doesn't matter if his hoe was a dog, his bro would understand! It was the day after Remus' busiest night of the month… In a completely non-sexual way, of course, and he was a bit, well… cranky. Would now be the best time to bring it up? Of course it would, sit back down and shut the fuck up. They were in the shrieking shack, being cranky and bros and shit, when Sirius made the grave mistake of bringing it up.

"Uh… Remus?" Sirius began, not really sure how it's gonna turn out, how Remus would take it… Why wouldn't he take it very well? He wasn't exactly sure, but Sirius couldn't help but feel dread in the pit of his stomach.

If looks could kill, Sirius would be covered in blood on the floor. Not moving. Nor breathing. Therefore dead.

"What?" Remus spat out the word as if it were something one would prefer not to have in one's mouth. Let's not get into that, shall we?

"Well, I, uh…" Sirius stammered. Maybe he shouldn't say anything? Not today… Maybe when Remus was in a better mood, perhaps?

"Well? Or did you wake me up for nothing, you pathetic piece of shit?"

"I'minlovewithadogpleasedon'tkillmeremus" Sirius said the eleven words as a single word. Hopefully Remus wouldn't hear him and just wouldn't ask questions and drop the subject? If he weren't PMSing like a bitch (I would know.) then he would probably do that.

"What the fuck did you say? Sirius, for god's sake don't talk as though you've got a cock in your mouth!"

But not now.

Sirius sighed deeply before continuing to come out to Remus. "I… Am in love… With… A dog."

Remus stared.

"And well…" He continued. "I'm pregnant. And that dog is the father."

Remus couldn't handle the news.

That is how Sirius 'Padfoot' Black died.