Nicknames

Nicknames

A/N:I wasn't sure whether to put this up since I'm not sure whether it's any good, but since it's the first humour fic I've ever attempted, I thought I'd put it up and see what people think. I know the humour dies away at the end, but I wanted to have a bit of a story, and I'm not really very good at the humour.

I put this fic in about 4th Year, by the way. I don't think it's very obvious from the writing.

"But we don't need nicknames. We're Sirius, James, Remus and Pete," Sirius argued, leaning forwards on the sofa to get his point across.

"Pete is a nickname, which is exactly my point. It's easier to say," James fired back from a nearby armchair.

"Okay." James froze, shocked. Sirius barely ever gave into an argument, and this argument had started during lunch, gone on through lessons – practical lessons when they could talk – in the library with Remus and Peter, where they had been thrown out for loud voices and on into the common room. "If you can find one I like, call me it." James rolled his eyes, realising the argument was not close to being won – Sirius would simply say no to everything.

"You have to give a valid reason."

"Fine," Sirius thought he could think fast enough on his feet to counter any possibilities, but he wasn't certain.

"Siri," James offered.

"Girl's name," Sirius retaliated.

"Sirr- no, actually, I can barely pronounce that," Sirius grinned. "Sirus."

"Isn't cirrus a cloud formation?"

"Well, you're so much like a cloud," Sirius glared at him. "You know, not all there…" As Sirius took his wand out, James stopped. "No to Sirus then? Okay, Rus," James said firmly.

"What?" An irritated Sixth Year boy exclaimed from a table behind Sirius. "Can't you see I'm working?"

"It doesn't matter, Russ. Mistake. Sorry." Even Sirius was afraid of the Sixth Year's temper and magical skill.

"Rius," James suggested. "Not you," he said quickly as Russ raised his head angrily. "Okay, maybe not that either."

"And I don't like it," Sirius added happily.

"That's not a reason. And I have to say, I like it now because you don't."

"Not fair, Jim," Sirius argued slyly.

"Who are you…" realisation hit James as Sirius explained.

"Two can play at this game, Jamie."

"I'm sure they can, Black."

"Don't call me that, Pott. Teachers calling me that is bad enough, but friends? Don't, Potty."

"Now you sound like Peeves, Su…i…ris," James said, reading the name backwards off the essay Sirius was dangling from his hand – the one he was meant to be writing.

"Where did that-" Sirius looked confused.

"Backwards, Suiris, since you haven't come up with a reason against it yet, I think this could be your nickname."

"Semaj, you just called me a girl's name and a flower in one."

"Would you prefer just the girl's name? Sue? Although I reckon Iris suits you better."

"I'm warning you, Jame- Your name's no fun. It's too short already – I can't make flowers and girls' names out out of yours."

"How about Jamesina?" James and Sirius half turned to see Remus asking, his eyes glittering with laughter.

But James and Sirius glanced at each other and grinned evilly.

"Reme."

"Sumer," They shouted together.

"Mus?"

"Mush?" Sirius suggested.

"Re?

"Emuh?"

"Emu?" James suggested as Sirius had an idea.

"Wolfie." He said it in a low voice but Remus took out his wand and threatened Sirius.

"Too explicit, Sirius. Remus, no one heard. No one was listening to us." James wasn't sure he was telling the truth, but he knew that it was the only way to calm Remus down. "But I like the idea. Not from our names, but," he glanced around and kept his voice very low, "our animals."

Sirius and Remus had calmed down although Remus still had his wand at his hand, and the four of them huddled in a conspiratorial group.

"Look, we know our Patronuses and we've come close enough to changing now that we're fairly sure Patronuses and Animagi are the same animal. So, we use those. Just not as obviously as Sirius suggested." James seemed almost obsessed with the idea. He just needed support from Sirius now. Then the others would follow easily. He looked at Sirius hopefully.

"Well… if you're going to force a nickname on me, I'd not prefer to have it to do with my name, so… yeah, I suppose." James knew Sirius actually liked the idea more than it seemed. He wouldn't have agreed if he didn't want to.

"I won't be Rat," peter whispered angrily. "I like Pete."

"And I won't be Wolf, but why not take characteristics from the animals instead?" That calmed Peter down, and Sirius smiled.

"You have to go with your antlers, James. They're always magnificent." Sirius looked down at Peter, contemplating him. "Your tail, I think. It's the biggest part of you." Peter looked quite put out, his own idea not going past his lips. He nodded, resigned to his size.

"Wolves are always quiet – they're hunters. I want to be… Padfoot, I think," Remus said. "It could be most animals so it wouldn't matter."

"But you're not quiet. You're a… I mean, werewolves make too much noise for that." James thought, and came up with the moon. "That's the most important thing for your animal."

"Okay. I think… Moony. I like that."

Sirius had been thinking, and now suggested, uncertainly, "I'd like to be Padfoot, if that's okay?" Moony nodded and Padfoot grinned. "What about you two?"

"I've decided. You've been mocking me for having it for ages. Really, I quite like it. I'm Wormtail." Wormtail left everyone surprised. They had called him Wormtail ever since Sirius had first commented on it. It looked like Peter had got the better of them this time.

"Just me then." James thought for a few minutes before remembering his first corporeal Patronus. It had been too solid, somehow, and had run into a tree and got its antlers stuck fast in the trunk. James hadn't known that that was possible, but he knew it wasn't a good Patronus and since Sirius had already produced a perfect one, he also knew that he wouldn't be allowed to forget his failure, regardless of the fact that his next Patronus was absolutely perfect. Sirius had demonstrated the event to everyone listening in the Great Hall with a fork and some broccoli. Even just remember Sirius sticking the fork prongs into the broccoli for everyone to see was embarrassing – James Potter, normally so good, so confident, had made a mistake. Lily Evans had laughed very hard at him. It didn't matter to anyone that he'd managed to make a Patronus later – it was just a fork in the demonstration. The antlers were just prongs. Then again, all antlers were prongs.

"Prongs." The others looked around.

Prongs hadn't been listening, so didn't know what Sirius meant when he said, "Okay, and we all agree with Moony, don't we?" Remus had wanted to keep the nicknames secret to ensure people didn't guess the truth about him. James didn't think anyone could guess but he agreed anyway.

"So, we're Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs," he said, pointing around the group in turn. "Okay." Looking up at Sirius, he grinned. "I knew you'd get a nickname, Iris."

A/N: Well,there you go. Should I even attempt humour fics ever again? Review, please, and I'm expecting some criticism for this one (please make it at least slightly constructive).