TITLE: Things Better Left Unread
RATING: M
GENRE: Romance/Drama
WARNING: Scenes of a sexual nature, language, violence, rape, incest, slash, drug use, and sensitive topics. Also non-snarry pairings are involved.
SUMMARY: Harry wakes up alone after a memorable night with his lover only to come across his journal lying around. Not one to just leave things alone, Harry begins to uncover the very disturbing past of his lover and many things he wished he never knew.
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HARRY'S DISCOVERY
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Last night had been perfect. Or so Harry thought. He was celebrating his first anniversary with his lover, Severus Snape, and everything had been magical. Or at least as magical as things got between the two of them. They traded affectionate insults and a delicious dinner that Severus himself cooked and had an incredible night of lovemaking. So Harry was a bit surprised to wake up alone. Neither of them had work that day and Severus hadn't even left a note. Harry slid out of bed and put on a robe and wandered around the house. Severus wasn't reading the paper or cooking breakfast…He wasn't even outside.
Harry felt a bit disappointed and a bit worried as he walked back upstairs, not sure what to do now. He had been hoping to enjoy the morning with Severus…Making love yet again, showering together, and laying in bed all day until Severus accused him of being a lazy bum and they would get up and do other things. Harry hadn't planned for much for the day, but the idea of spending all day enjoying the company of his lover had been all Harry had in mind. Facing the possibility of not being able to do that left him saddened. Still he made the bed and cleaned up the room.
He found it when he went to go put a small stack of Severus's books back into the man's office. He was too short to put one back in its proper resting place on the bookshelf, so he went to go set it on his desk instead. That was when he noticed a large tome laying open on the desk. It was open to one page and a quill stuck out of the end showing that he was using the quill to keep another place safe. Harry peered down at it curiously. It was huge and he expected it was the big book of potions Severus had ordered a few days ago, and was surprised to see the pages were handwritten and upon further discovery learned that it was a diary! It was huge for a diary.
Harry glanced up and around making sure it was safe before sitting at the man's desk and reading more and ended up flipping back a page when he realized that it wasn't where the entry started. He realized it was about the first time they ever had sex and Harry found himself morbidly curious about the whole thing.
17 October 2001
When I woke up this morning, I thought that the fact that I had buggered Harry Bloody Potter had all been just a dream. That was until I rolled over and discovered that the brat was laying naked in my bed and snoring like a wild beast and sporting a rather impressive erection. He had a large hideously red mark on his neck and bruises on his hips that I discovered were my own doing and I'll admit to feeling a bit pleased with myself for marking the Boy Who Lived in such a manner.
I discovered a great deal of things when the brat woke up. One being that he can't see a bloody damn thing without his glasses. Two being that his hair actually can look worse. Three being that I fucked the hell out of his arse last night…He walked with a nice limp and I do not recall ever seeing anyone in so much pain by the mere act of moving. He avoided sitting like the plague until I finally gave him a pain relieving potion. Four being that he has awful morning breath. Five being that he is far more rude than I initially gave him credit for. The imbecile still tried to kiss me even though I pointed out his god-awful breath and he was brave enough to point out that I myself was hardly in the best of conditions first thing in the morning. Only it was less polite than my own wording. Six being that he needs to properly learn to cut his nails if he ever wants a repeat experience because my back was actually bleeding.
Seven being that he had apparently been a virgin when I took him.
I'm not sure what possessed me to let him stay. I suppose I was curious to see if he knew much of what had happened last night. The details were fuzzy. I remember going down to the pub and the next thing I knew I was pushing Potter into my bed and fucking his brains out. The downside of alcohol consumption. We had breakfast together and discussed what had happened. I tried to make him leave but he demanded a shower…He had the gall to invite me into my own shower, as well. I took him up on the offer only to show him just who was in charge around here. I'm not sure why he wanted to seduce me when he was obviously still in so much pain from the night before, but he handled it marvelously and I suppose I managed to help him forget the pain for a little while.
I can't help but wonder if he's completely lost his mind. Or if he forgets who I am or something equally as strange. He didn't seem very horrified at the prospect of waking up next to me or at the fact that I had stolen his virginity and seemed a bit too eager to get me into bed again. He even made some remarks about doing this again before leaving. We don't have a good history with one another, I'm twenty years older than him, and I am hardly the most attractive man out there. He could do much better. Maybe someone slipped him a potion…If he does show up again I'll have to check him for potions and any other Dark magic.
Perhaps not until I've had another taste of him.
Harry laughed and shook his head. No, no potions and no spells. His friends had thought the same thing when he first confessed his attraction to the surly potions master and the rest of the world once they went public with their relationship. He did like that Severus had been willing to make use of him again before checking to make sure he was in his right mind.
He picked up the pages and flipped through them over so that he could hold his place with his hands while going to the page Severus had been saving with the quill. This was from last night.
19 February 2003
It has been a year with Harry now. I am quite stunned we have made it this far. We fight often, but that's not very surprising considering who we are. I still question why he is with me at times. He could do much better. He is the savior of our world. An attractive young man of twenty two. He is the most spectacular creature I have ever laid eyes on. He is stubborn and kind and more loving than most people I have met. He drives me crazy in both the good and bad senses of the word. How could anyone so special, so remarkably precious, see anything in me? I have done all that I could to make up for the sins of my past, but nothing I do can ever make me worthy of someone so perfect. He is the epitome of all that is good in the world. He'd probably think I was exaggerating, but he is certainly too good for me. I can only speak of him in the highest of terms for anyone to truly understand just how wrong it is for us to be together.
I don't think I could bear to abandon him. I love him too much. I need him too much.
I should leave, at least for a little while. This is getting to be too much.
I let him top tonight.
After dinner I led him to bed. He has been hinting for a while now that he wanted to try being on top and I assumed it would be a nice anniversary gift to him. I haven't let anyone take me in so long and I thought I could handle it. He is Harry and by now I understand that he would never intentionally hurt me. He wasn't like them. I am not who I was then. I struggled a great deal internally while he prepared me. I made myself relax as best I could. I couldn't decide if I wanted to face him so that I could remind myself that I was with Harry or turn away so that he couldn't see if anything went wrong. If I became upset or fearful, I couldn't explain to him why.
I decided for the latter. In the end I didn't have the courage to face him while we did this. I was starting to regret the decision a great deal but I couldn't find it in myself to take the offer back. That would be cowardly and, again, I would find myself in the position of having to explain everything. I had to overcome this eventually. Why not now?
There was a great deal of emotion when he finally entered me for the first time. I didn't really know what it was. It was a lot of things. I loved him…a great deal. I felt…so much closer to him in that moment of initial penetration. But a lot of other feelings ambushed me soon after. Humiliation and shame and pain and anger…Most of them stemming from the past, I'm sure.
Every thrust into my body and I saw someone else's face. Every whispered words of affection and devotion morphed into different words spoken in a different voice. When I managed to push the demons of my past aside and it was just Harry, I felt too dirty to fully enjoy the experience, even as his hand worked me to orgasm.
I watched him for a while. He's so beautiful when he sleeps. Part of me must have hoped that his pureness and his love would wash away every mark of filth left upon me by my history. I'm a bit disappointed that even now nothing has changed. I still love him. I doubt I'll leave him. That was never reason enough to stay. But there was still
I need to go before he wakes. I can hardly think straight anymore.
Harry's arms shook a bit as he grasped the sides of the book, feeling nauseated and dizzy. He felt cold. The entry hit him hard. A night that was so wonderful to him had apparently been the exact opposite to Severus. How had he not even realized that something was wrong? Harry licked his lips and slowly dropped the pages and leaned back, rubbing his hands over his face. He regretted ever touching the thing now.
What was wrong? Where had Severus gone? What had happened to leave him so messed up? Harry was greatly disturbed by this. It was wrong to pry into Severus's journal and it had been bad enough for him to read what he had. But how could he ignore this? Especially when the question was burning in his mind. He had to figure this out. Something bad had apparently happened to his lover. People had hurt him and Harry wanted to know who and he needed to know what they had done. He needed to make it better.
It would be bad if Severus caught him, though. Harry felt stuck for a minute and then stood up and walked out to the front door and used his wand to set up a silent alarm. He did this all around the house so that he would be alerted the moment anyone entered, be it through the door or the Floor or even if Severus Apparated in. Not feeling much more at ease, Harry still returned to the desk. He flipped to the very first page.
09 January 1973
Today's my birthday. My best friend Lily gave me this for my gift. I'm going to marry her one day, you know. I've never met anyone more beautiful or more kind or more funny. She's the only one who remembered. She's the only one who remembers anything. The only one who cares at all. She told me to sneak out tonight and meet her at the park, in our favorite spot. I can't wait. Lily Anne Evans is the best thing in my life.
Frowning, Harry gathered up a big chunk of pages and began flipping through them, eyes scanning the pages and prepared to stop the moment something interesting caught his eye.
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A/N: Please review!