TITLE: The Browder Strikes Back: A Froonium Fic
GENRE: Comedy (and sort of an AU, I guess...) This is my special pressie to everybody who hangs out at sci-fi.com, especially the Manning-kins.
DISCLAIMER: I REALLY don't own these guys. Any similarity to real persons living or dead is entirely intentional, but no Co-Executive Producers or devastatingly handsome ((c) CB) male leads were harmed in the making of this fic, I promise.
OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This just popped into my head today after all this discussion of Manning and his twisted, evil mind. This will probably be the daftest pile of nonsense you ever read, and I cannot apologise enough - it kind of wrote itself.
Froon, BB, what can I say: you give us Farscape and this is how I repay you...just remember I love you really.
SPOILERS: Lots...
FEEDBACK: Hey, why the frell not...uktechgirl@scape-goat.com
The setting: White Bay Power Station, Sydney, Australia. Apparently located in some weird place called 'RL'...
Two men are strolling up a long concrete driveway in the Australian sun. One, a blonde man with a moustache, wears a startlingly bright Hawaiian shirt (sorry, sorry - that's an AUSTRALIAN MAMBO SHIRT, my mistake). The other is wearing a black T-shirt with some kind of logo on the chest. On his face is a HORRIBLE GOATEE BEARD WHICH REALLY SHOULD NOT BE THERE. As they draw closer, we see the guy in the Mambo shirt shaking his head disbelievingly while prodding the goateed man's bicep.
'All down to surfing, you say?' says Froon, his eyebrow raised.
'Yeah,' says Ben, casually, not quite meeting Froon's eye.
'Uh huh,' says Froon.
Ben clears his throat, looking slightly uncomfortable.
'So, anyway,' says Froon, deciding to let Ben off the hook for a second or two, 'what are we doing out here? Filming finished ages ago.
'
'Oh, some idea of Kemper's,' says Ben with a big smile. 'Something about Season 3 going in a new direction.'
'He didn't say anything to me about it,' says Froon doubtfully.
'Well, it was my idea, actually,' says Ben smugly, as they arrive outside the studio door.
'Your idea?' says Froon, a little huffily. 'Well, I don't know if...'
'My, what on earth is that strange thing behind you?' Ben yells, pointing suddenly to something behind Froon with a look of panic on his face.
Froon whirls round, only to be thumped on the back of the head. He falls unconscious to the floor. Ben stands over him, shaking his head and tutting.
'A sci-fi writer, and he falls for that,' he says to himself, sadly.
'Froony! Oh, FROOOOOOOOOONYYYYYYYYY!'
Froon groggily opens his eyes, to find himself in a familiar-looking dark room. Blinking to adjust to the dim light, he can make out a green circle before him; as the rest of the room comes into focus, he gulps, and struggles, but the restraints on his hands and feet are secure.
'Er...Ben?' he says, turning his head to look around him.
Ben appears next to him, a slightly alarming grin on his face.
'Hello, good morning, and welcome. Let me introduce you: Froon, the Aurora Chair; Aurora Chair, Froon. Oh, wait a second - you two already know each other?'
Ben steps back, slapping himself on the forehead.
'Of course, you two already know each other very well, don't you, Froony?'
'Er...Ben,' says Froon again, starting to look worried.
'Not well enough, though,' says Ben, walking to the other side of the room. 'I've been thinking for some time now that this fine chair here and its creator ought to get a little more...intimate. Up close and personal, y'know?'
'Ben,' says Froon, louder this time. 'It...er...it isn't real, Ben. You do know that, right?'
Ben pulls out the Patented Browder Gob Open Eyebrows Raised Incredulous Look.
'Not real? You want to know how many days I've spent in that thing?'
'Ben,' says Froon, adopting a gentle tone of voice, 'that was just pretend. You know, acting? That thing you do for a living?'
Froon looks round the room for support.
'Look, see, up there? Where the ceiling should be, there's a lighting rig. And this room only has three walls, Ben.'
'Not real, huh?' says Ben, stepping behind the console on the other side of the room. 'We'll just see about that, shall we?'
He reaches forward and grabs a big lever, pauses for dramatic effect, and pulls it towards him carefully. Nothing happens.
Ben frowns, biting his lower lip.
'I did tell you,' says Froon, feeling slightly embarrassed for Ben.
'Oh, hang on,' says Ben, dashing forward and seizing a power cable. 'Forgot to plug in.'
He slots the plug into a socket under the chair, and the green circle facing Froon flickers and lights up.
'There ya go,' says Ben happily, returning to the console and pulling on the lever again.
With a whine, the chair begins to slowly spin around, and a big padded headrest slaps down on Froon, making him jump slightly. Much to Froon's astonishment, the green circle suddenly lights up with a jumble of images which all look vaguely familiar.
Seeing Froon's face, Ben leans over the console to watch, catching sight of the images whenever the revolving screen comes into his eyeline. After about a minute, he slides the lever back, and the chair slowly comes to a stop.
Ben hops onto the podium and leans in close to Froon, a big frown on his face. Froon, meanwhile, just looks a bit surprised.
'Why weren't you screaming?' says Ben.
'Well...it didn't hurt, really,' says Froon, a bit unnerved.
'What do you mean, it didn't hurt?' Ben demands. 'What did it feel like?'
'Umm...sort of...tingly,' says Froon.
'TINGLY?'
'Yeah, like being tickled. Quite nice, actually.'
Ben jumps off the podium and walks up and down a bit, looking cross.
Froon shifts about in the chair, resting his head against the warm, padded headrest.
'This actually IS a really comfy chair,' he says, sounding quite surprised.
'Shut up!' shouts Ben, skulking behind him.
Froon tries looking over his shoulder at him, realising that Ben is upset.
'Well, maybe not that comfy,' he says, reassuringly. 'And I'm sure that...tingly sensation would get...you know...less nice after a bit.'
'Yeah,' says Ben, nodding vigorously.
'And with Wayne hanging over your shoulder...you know...it could get...kind of intense.'
'Intense, yeah,' says Ben, still nodding.
'You might get motion sickness with all that spinning round, too.'
'Ooh, yeah,' says Ben.
'So it's nothing to be embarrassed about,' says Froon.
'Hey, who's embarrassed?' says Ben quickly, appearing over his shoulder.
'No-one, no-one,' says Froon rapidly, squirming slightly in the chair. 'Hey, comfy as this is, could you let me out now?'
'Oh, no,' says Ben, the spark coming back into his eyes and a big smile spreading across his face. 'After what you've put me through, I haven't even started yet.'
'Oh come on, Ben,' says Froon, smiling, but nervously. 'I mean, all this stuff is Rockne's idea really, not mine. And the chair has its precursors, you know - there's something very similar in Flash Gordon, not to mention...'
'Not just talking about the chair, Froon,' says Ben, grinning like a maniac. 'I mean, come on, they had to invent a society to try to keep me safe from you wackos.'
He reaches down to point to the SACC logo on his T-shirt, the words 'protected by' emblazoned above.
'They're not doing a very good job, are they?' says Froon.
'No, they're not!' says Ben, crossly, stepping off the podium and going back to the console. 'And that's all down to you making sure I get beat up all the time.'
'Hey, come on, Ben, the Scapers love it really. That whole angst thing, you know. Heroic struggle against adversity.'
Ben looks doubtful.
'Apparently, you look kind of cute when you're down,' says Froon.
Ben smiles for a bit, then checks himself. 'I don't care,' he yells, reaching for the controls.
As he flips the lever, Froon feels the chair begin to spin again, and more images begin to appear on the screen, several of which appear to be of a roomful of deranged Scapers engaged in a variety of alarming pursuits. Some are splashing about in a pool; others dance insanely to the jukebox, trying not to fall over the scattered empty bottles on the floor; there are large winged creatures dangling from the rafters. The image flickers to reveal a tray in the centre of the room marked Special Brownies; both Ben and Froon turn pale at the sight of the Scapers diving in hungrily.
Ben tries fiddling with the controls.
'Where's Peacekeeper Barbie when you need her?' he says. 'Couldn't you have just used a mouse, Froon, I hate these damn trackball things.'
'Ben, you can't even handle a keyboard,' says Froon unhappily, starting to realise that the whole motion sickness comment might well be true.
'Wait, got it,' says Ben.
The screen flickers, and then fills with the image of Ben, and Claudia, having an argument. 'We could try to negotiate...' Ben is saying, but is cut off by Claudia smacking him in the face.
'I give you: Exhibit A!' says Ben, freezing the shot. 'Now: was that really necessary?'
'She didn't hit you that hard, Ben,' says Froon.
'You ever been hit by Claudia, Froon?'
He shakes his head, as the chair begins to spin again. The image changes to another of Ben and Claudia arguing; this time she's wearing heavy armour and a gauntlet on her arm, and is smacking him around again.
'Hey, come on, Ben, right after that she gets beaten up by Anth, and then Anth gets shot by the Tavloids. And Rygel DIES! You got off easy.'
'Aha!' says Ben, gleefully. 'I think you'll find...'
He fiddles with the trackball, and Rygel appears on screen; his corpse is being revitalised by Jotheb.
'See! You killed him - and then you brought him back to life! How stupid is that?'
'I was still the first one to kill him,' says Froon, sulkily.
'Yeah, but come on, Froon, you just weren't trying hard enough. I mean, look at this.' He spins the trackball, and the image of a dissected Rygel on an operating table appears. 'Now that's more like it.'
'Hey, no fair!' says Froon, as the chair slows to a halt. 'Monj brought him back to life too! And you didn't get an easy ride in that ep anyway - tons of head-messing, and needles too!'
'Yeah,' says Ben, faltering for a moment. 'But I did get to go to the beach!'
'Yeah - where you got shot, Ben,' Froon points out. 'Come on, Monj is no angel either.'
'He let me eat magic mushrooms,' Ben fires back, smiling happily at the memory.
'And crackers, Ben, and crackers,' Froon reminds.
'Hey, I kind of liked those crackers,' says Ben.
'He put puke on your face, Ben.'
'C'mon, it wasn't really puke.'
'Yuh huh. Was too. Saw Lani hawking it up right before you arrived.'
'It was Lani's puke?'
'Lani's puke, Ben. And Monj put you in the chair too, don't forget.'
'No, Froon, you put me in the chair, Monj got me out of it.'
'Hey, now you're being picky.'
There is silence for a moment, as Ben thinks, and then pulls the lever again. The screen fills with the image of Ben scrabbling along the floor wearing the stupid yellow flightsuit, while some weird spiny thing revolves in the middle of the room. Lani appears, and somehow manages to dislocate Ben's shoulder, despite the fact that the chain he swings at him clearly gets caught around his ankle...
'There,' says Ben, proudly. 'You can't get out of that one. When Nan wrote an ep with a Lethal Weapon reference, I got a snog out of it; with you, I have to have my arm half ripped off.'
'Ben, you had just called Lani 'Captain Balalala Crais'. He was entitled to be ticked off.'
Ben frowns, and sends the chair into rewind; when the scene replays, he blushes slightly. 'Hey, that's not my fault, you could have redubbed it,' he says, sulkily.
'Yeah, I know,' says Froon, 'But we thought it was funny.'
'Is that really why, Froon?'
'Umm...err...maybe.'
Ben hums to himself for a moment. 'Well, either way, Maldis wasn't exactly nice to hang out with. He tried to kill me with a big fuzzy red special effect.'
'Ben,' says Froon, starting to sound a little exasperated. 'You spent most of that ep flat on your back pretending to be dead, while the rest of us actually had to do some work.'
'Yeah, but...' says Ben, setting the chair spinning again to reveal himself, still wearing the horrible yellow flightsuit, sitting up suddenly and grabbing Rygel to (ulp) give him a big kiss. 'I mean, really, Froon.'
'OK, OK,' says Froon, catching a glimpse of Ben as the chair revolves and feeling slightly guilty. 'Maybe making you kiss Rygel was a bridge too far. But I've been nice to you too, Ben. What about Mind The Baby?'
Ben ponders it for a moment, trying to remember if any major injuries were sustained during filming.
'There was that fantastic bit of dialogue about Crais not getting the keys to Moya's baby...' Froon murmurs, trying to jog his memory.
'Yeah, I guess that was a pretty cool scene,' says Ben, thinking back fondly.
'And scissors, paper, rock, that was funny. And the bit at the end...you know...the snuggling?'
Ben's eyes mist over for a moment, but then he looks stern.
'Hey, that's another thing, Froon. What about the shippiness?'
Froon looks worried. 'Well...' he says, his eyes darting around the room, looking for an escape route and finding none.
'Aha! Now I've got you!'
'No, no,' says Froon hurriedly. 'There is shippiness, its just...well...subtle.'
'Oh, subtle. I see. So when Claudia thumps me, that's subtle shippiness, huh?'
'No, Ben, that's UST.'
'Oh.'
'The subtle shippiness...that's the...umm...unspoken stuff.'
'What, like the beginning of Nerve?'
'That's the ticket, Ben.'
'There was room for a kiss there, Froon.'
'Maybe,' says Froon, cagily.
'And Mind The Baby. When she's going to leave. Definitely room for a kiss there, Froon.'
'Look, Kemper and Rockne didn't do one in Family Ties, why do I get all the flak for the 'not saying goodbye' stuff? And you can't blame me for doing UST, after the whole will-they-won't-they got blown halfway through season 1.' Froon is obviously starting to feel the effects of the chair, and sounds frankly grumpy by this point.
'Uh?' says Ben, looking confused.
'Err...you have seen the 'missing' 17 seconds, haven't you, Ben?'
Ben thinks.
'You were in them, Ben. You know: cute bed hair?'
'Ahhhhh,' says Ben, smiling. 'Yeah, I remember.'
Ben seems to wander off onto another train of thought for a moment; the big grin on his face suggests it is a pleasant one. After a bit, though, his smile disappears.
'Hang on,' he says. 'The seventeen seconds...that was Monj!'
Froon looks uncomfortable.
'And The Flax! That was Monj too!'
Froon swallows nervously, and then smiles as an idea pops into his head.
'The Flax, Ben? You mean, the ep where you DIE?'
Ben looks startled.
'Come on, Benny boy,' says Froon, starting to feel a bit more lively. 'OK, so I got you beaten up a bit early on. Yes, I did put you in the chair. And no, you have never snogged Aeryn in one of my episodes. But did I ever kill you?'
Ben stares, stepping back off the platform.
'No,' he says, shaking his head slowly.
'No, I never killed you, Ben,' says Froon, smiling. 'So why don't you let me go, and give Monj the treatment instead?'
'Monj,' says Ben, slowly, as if in a trance. 'Yeah. Sounds good.'
'You can cover him in puke too, Ben,' says Froon. 'Make him eat crackers.'
'Crackers,' says Ben, numbly. He reaches up and releases Froon's feet from the chair, but as he straightens up, he catches Froon's eye.
'I get the feeling there's something I'm missing,' Ben says, looking confused.
'Missing?' says Froon, innocently.
'Yeah...like there are memories of things which have happened to me which I don't recall...things which happened in the chair that I can't remember...'
Froon frowns, as Ben releases the arm restraints.
'What makes you think that, Ben?' says Froon, innocently.
'Well, it's a little difficult, Froon. The author of this fic is watching Farscape on the BBC, and therefore hasn't seen anything beyond Dream A Little Dream, but she may have caught some spoilers since then...'
Froon looks warily at Ben, realising that he may well be in extremely deep dren right now.
'Unfortunately, the spoilers haven't told this author very much, so she isn't sure exactly what happened.'
Froon breathes a heavy sigh of relief.
'So it would be impossible for me to respond to you, Froon, in the manner which I might after Won't Get Fooled Again,' says Ben.
Froon breathes the heaviest sigh of relief in history.
'Even though obviously you know what happened in that ep, since you acted in it,' prompts Froon, frowning.
'Errr...yeah,' says Ben, a bit confused by all this sci-fi timeline type-stuff. 'Obviously...although I seem to have forgotten it at the moment. Something about Scorpy?' he says, confused.
'Yes,' says Froon, his eyes lighting up slightly at the word. 'Scorpy. The Aurora Chair. Plenty of fun...'
He slips out of the chair, the restraints having been undone by Ben, and runs from the room, cackling.
'Eh?' says Ben, entirely bewildered. 'Wait...I remember now...must trap Monj...must make Monj pay...' He repeats the words like a robot, and then heads out of the studio, his limbs moving stiffly.
'MWUHAAHAAHAAHAAA!' said Froon, rubbing his hands together evilly as he scampers towards his puter of doom. 'Now, at last, my true nature can surface! Those Scapers are right - I am evil, soooo evil! Roll on Season 3! MWUHAHAHAHAHAAA!'
FIN
GENRE: Comedy (and sort of an AU, I guess...) This is my special pressie to everybody who hangs out at sci-fi.com, especially the Manning-kins.
DISCLAIMER: I REALLY don't own these guys. Any similarity to real persons living or dead is entirely intentional, but no Co-Executive Producers or devastatingly handsome ((c) CB) male leads were harmed in the making of this fic, I promise.
OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This just popped into my head today after all this discussion of Manning and his twisted, evil mind. This will probably be the daftest pile of nonsense you ever read, and I cannot apologise enough - it kind of wrote itself.
Froon, BB, what can I say: you give us Farscape and this is how I repay you...just remember I love you really.
SPOILERS: Lots...
FEEDBACK: Hey, why the frell not...uktechgirl@scape-goat.com
The setting: White Bay Power Station, Sydney, Australia. Apparently located in some weird place called 'RL'...
Two men are strolling up a long concrete driveway in the Australian sun. One, a blonde man with a moustache, wears a startlingly bright Hawaiian shirt (sorry, sorry - that's an AUSTRALIAN MAMBO SHIRT, my mistake). The other is wearing a black T-shirt with some kind of logo on the chest. On his face is a HORRIBLE GOATEE BEARD WHICH REALLY SHOULD NOT BE THERE. As they draw closer, we see the guy in the Mambo shirt shaking his head disbelievingly while prodding the goateed man's bicep.
'All down to surfing, you say?' says Froon, his eyebrow raised.
'Yeah,' says Ben, casually, not quite meeting Froon's eye.
'Uh huh,' says Froon.
Ben clears his throat, looking slightly uncomfortable.
'So, anyway,' says Froon, deciding to let Ben off the hook for a second or two, 'what are we doing out here? Filming finished ages ago.
'
'Oh, some idea of Kemper's,' says Ben with a big smile. 'Something about Season 3 going in a new direction.'
'He didn't say anything to me about it,' says Froon doubtfully.
'Well, it was my idea, actually,' says Ben smugly, as they arrive outside the studio door.
'Your idea?' says Froon, a little huffily. 'Well, I don't know if...'
'My, what on earth is that strange thing behind you?' Ben yells, pointing suddenly to something behind Froon with a look of panic on his face.
Froon whirls round, only to be thumped on the back of the head. He falls unconscious to the floor. Ben stands over him, shaking his head and tutting.
'A sci-fi writer, and he falls for that,' he says to himself, sadly.
'Froony! Oh, FROOOOOOOOOONYYYYYYYYY!'
Froon groggily opens his eyes, to find himself in a familiar-looking dark room. Blinking to adjust to the dim light, he can make out a green circle before him; as the rest of the room comes into focus, he gulps, and struggles, but the restraints on his hands and feet are secure.
'Er...Ben?' he says, turning his head to look around him.
Ben appears next to him, a slightly alarming grin on his face.
'Hello, good morning, and welcome. Let me introduce you: Froon, the Aurora Chair; Aurora Chair, Froon. Oh, wait a second - you two already know each other?'
Ben steps back, slapping himself on the forehead.
'Of course, you two already know each other very well, don't you, Froony?'
'Er...Ben,' says Froon again, starting to look worried.
'Not well enough, though,' says Ben, walking to the other side of the room. 'I've been thinking for some time now that this fine chair here and its creator ought to get a little more...intimate. Up close and personal, y'know?'
'Ben,' says Froon, louder this time. 'It...er...it isn't real, Ben. You do know that, right?'
Ben pulls out the Patented Browder Gob Open Eyebrows Raised Incredulous Look.
'Not real? You want to know how many days I've spent in that thing?'
'Ben,' says Froon, adopting a gentle tone of voice, 'that was just pretend. You know, acting? That thing you do for a living?'
Froon looks round the room for support.
'Look, see, up there? Where the ceiling should be, there's a lighting rig. And this room only has three walls, Ben.'
'Not real, huh?' says Ben, stepping behind the console on the other side of the room. 'We'll just see about that, shall we?'
He reaches forward and grabs a big lever, pauses for dramatic effect, and pulls it towards him carefully. Nothing happens.
Ben frowns, biting his lower lip.
'I did tell you,' says Froon, feeling slightly embarrassed for Ben.
'Oh, hang on,' says Ben, dashing forward and seizing a power cable. 'Forgot to plug in.'
He slots the plug into a socket under the chair, and the green circle facing Froon flickers and lights up.
'There ya go,' says Ben happily, returning to the console and pulling on the lever again.
With a whine, the chair begins to slowly spin around, and a big padded headrest slaps down on Froon, making him jump slightly. Much to Froon's astonishment, the green circle suddenly lights up with a jumble of images which all look vaguely familiar.
Seeing Froon's face, Ben leans over the console to watch, catching sight of the images whenever the revolving screen comes into his eyeline. After about a minute, he slides the lever back, and the chair slowly comes to a stop.
Ben hops onto the podium and leans in close to Froon, a big frown on his face. Froon, meanwhile, just looks a bit surprised.
'Why weren't you screaming?' says Ben.
'Well...it didn't hurt, really,' says Froon, a bit unnerved.
'What do you mean, it didn't hurt?' Ben demands. 'What did it feel like?'
'Umm...sort of...tingly,' says Froon.
'TINGLY?'
'Yeah, like being tickled. Quite nice, actually.'
Ben jumps off the podium and walks up and down a bit, looking cross.
Froon shifts about in the chair, resting his head against the warm, padded headrest.
'This actually IS a really comfy chair,' he says, sounding quite surprised.
'Shut up!' shouts Ben, skulking behind him.
Froon tries looking over his shoulder at him, realising that Ben is upset.
'Well, maybe not that comfy,' he says, reassuringly. 'And I'm sure that...tingly sensation would get...you know...less nice after a bit.'
'Yeah,' says Ben, nodding vigorously.
'And with Wayne hanging over your shoulder...you know...it could get...kind of intense.'
'Intense, yeah,' says Ben, still nodding.
'You might get motion sickness with all that spinning round, too.'
'Ooh, yeah,' says Ben.
'So it's nothing to be embarrassed about,' says Froon.
'Hey, who's embarrassed?' says Ben quickly, appearing over his shoulder.
'No-one, no-one,' says Froon rapidly, squirming slightly in the chair. 'Hey, comfy as this is, could you let me out now?'
'Oh, no,' says Ben, the spark coming back into his eyes and a big smile spreading across his face. 'After what you've put me through, I haven't even started yet.'
'Oh come on, Ben,' says Froon, smiling, but nervously. 'I mean, all this stuff is Rockne's idea really, not mine. And the chair has its precursors, you know - there's something very similar in Flash Gordon, not to mention...'
'Not just talking about the chair, Froon,' says Ben, grinning like a maniac. 'I mean, come on, they had to invent a society to try to keep me safe from you wackos.'
He reaches down to point to the SACC logo on his T-shirt, the words 'protected by' emblazoned above.
'They're not doing a very good job, are they?' says Froon.
'No, they're not!' says Ben, crossly, stepping off the podium and going back to the console. 'And that's all down to you making sure I get beat up all the time.'
'Hey, come on, Ben, the Scapers love it really. That whole angst thing, you know. Heroic struggle against adversity.'
Ben looks doubtful.
'Apparently, you look kind of cute when you're down,' says Froon.
Ben smiles for a bit, then checks himself. 'I don't care,' he yells, reaching for the controls.
As he flips the lever, Froon feels the chair begin to spin again, and more images begin to appear on the screen, several of which appear to be of a roomful of deranged Scapers engaged in a variety of alarming pursuits. Some are splashing about in a pool; others dance insanely to the jukebox, trying not to fall over the scattered empty bottles on the floor; there are large winged creatures dangling from the rafters. The image flickers to reveal a tray in the centre of the room marked Special Brownies; both Ben and Froon turn pale at the sight of the Scapers diving in hungrily.
Ben tries fiddling with the controls.
'Where's Peacekeeper Barbie when you need her?' he says. 'Couldn't you have just used a mouse, Froon, I hate these damn trackball things.'
'Ben, you can't even handle a keyboard,' says Froon unhappily, starting to realise that the whole motion sickness comment might well be true.
'Wait, got it,' says Ben.
The screen flickers, and then fills with the image of Ben, and Claudia, having an argument. 'We could try to negotiate...' Ben is saying, but is cut off by Claudia smacking him in the face.
'I give you: Exhibit A!' says Ben, freezing the shot. 'Now: was that really necessary?'
'She didn't hit you that hard, Ben,' says Froon.
'You ever been hit by Claudia, Froon?'
He shakes his head, as the chair begins to spin again. The image changes to another of Ben and Claudia arguing; this time she's wearing heavy armour and a gauntlet on her arm, and is smacking him around again.
'Hey, come on, Ben, right after that she gets beaten up by Anth, and then Anth gets shot by the Tavloids. And Rygel DIES! You got off easy.'
'Aha!' says Ben, gleefully. 'I think you'll find...'
He fiddles with the trackball, and Rygel appears on screen; his corpse is being revitalised by Jotheb.
'See! You killed him - and then you brought him back to life! How stupid is that?'
'I was still the first one to kill him,' says Froon, sulkily.
'Yeah, but come on, Froon, you just weren't trying hard enough. I mean, look at this.' He spins the trackball, and the image of a dissected Rygel on an operating table appears. 'Now that's more like it.'
'Hey, no fair!' says Froon, as the chair slows to a halt. 'Monj brought him back to life too! And you didn't get an easy ride in that ep anyway - tons of head-messing, and needles too!'
'Yeah,' says Ben, faltering for a moment. 'But I did get to go to the beach!'
'Yeah - where you got shot, Ben,' Froon points out. 'Come on, Monj is no angel either.'
'He let me eat magic mushrooms,' Ben fires back, smiling happily at the memory.
'And crackers, Ben, and crackers,' Froon reminds.
'Hey, I kind of liked those crackers,' says Ben.
'He put puke on your face, Ben.'
'C'mon, it wasn't really puke.'
'Yuh huh. Was too. Saw Lani hawking it up right before you arrived.'
'It was Lani's puke?'
'Lani's puke, Ben. And Monj put you in the chair too, don't forget.'
'No, Froon, you put me in the chair, Monj got me out of it.'
'Hey, now you're being picky.'
There is silence for a moment, as Ben thinks, and then pulls the lever again. The screen fills with the image of Ben scrabbling along the floor wearing the stupid yellow flightsuit, while some weird spiny thing revolves in the middle of the room. Lani appears, and somehow manages to dislocate Ben's shoulder, despite the fact that the chain he swings at him clearly gets caught around his ankle...
'There,' says Ben, proudly. 'You can't get out of that one. When Nan wrote an ep with a Lethal Weapon reference, I got a snog out of it; with you, I have to have my arm half ripped off.'
'Ben, you had just called Lani 'Captain Balalala Crais'. He was entitled to be ticked off.'
Ben frowns, and sends the chair into rewind; when the scene replays, he blushes slightly. 'Hey, that's not my fault, you could have redubbed it,' he says, sulkily.
'Yeah, I know,' says Froon, 'But we thought it was funny.'
'Is that really why, Froon?'
'Umm...err...maybe.'
Ben hums to himself for a moment. 'Well, either way, Maldis wasn't exactly nice to hang out with. He tried to kill me with a big fuzzy red special effect.'
'Ben,' says Froon, starting to sound a little exasperated. 'You spent most of that ep flat on your back pretending to be dead, while the rest of us actually had to do some work.'
'Yeah, but...' says Ben, setting the chair spinning again to reveal himself, still wearing the horrible yellow flightsuit, sitting up suddenly and grabbing Rygel to (ulp) give him a big kiss. 'I mean, really, Froon.'
'OK, OK,' says Froon, catching a glimpse of Ben as the chair revolves and feeling slightly guilty. 'Maybe making you kiss Rygel was a bridge too far. But I've been nice to you too, Ben. What about Mind The Baby?'
Ben ponders it for a moment, trying to remember if any major injuries were sustained during filming.
'There was that fantastic bit of dialogue about Crais not getting the keys to Moya's baby...' Froon murmurs, trying to jog his memory.
'Yeah, I guess that was a pretty cool scene,' says Ben, thinking back fondly.
'And scissors, paper, rock, that was funny. And the bit at the end...you know...the snuggling?'
Ben's eyes mist over for a moment, but then he looks stern.
'Hey, that's another thing, Froon. What about the shippiness?'
Froon looks worried. 'Well...' he says, his eyes darting around the room, looking for an escape route and finding none.
'Aha! Now I've got you!'
'No, no,' says Froon hurriedly. 'There is shippiness, its just...well...subtle.'
'Oh, subtle. I see. So when Claudia thumps me, that's subtle shippiness, huh?'
'No, Ben, that's UST.'
'Oh.'
'The subtle shippiness...that's the...umm...unspoken stuff.'
'What, like the beginning of Nerve?'
'That's the ticket, Ben.'
'There was room for a kiss there, Froon.'
'Maybe,' says Froon, cagily.
'And Mind The Baby. When she's going to leave. Definitely room for a kiss there, Froon.'
'Look, Kemper and Rockne didn't do one in Family Ties, why do I get all the flak for the 'not saying goodbye' stuff? And you can't blame me for doing UST, after the whole will-they-won't-they got blown halfway through season 1.' Froon is obviously starting to feel the effects of the chair, and sounds frankly grumpy by this point.
'Uh?' says Ben, looking confused.
'Err...you have seen the 'missing' 17 seconds, haven't you, Ben?'
Ben thinks.
'You were in them, Ben. You know: cute bed hair?'
'Ahhhhh,' says Ben, smiling. 'Yeah, I remember.'
Ben seems to wander off onto another train of thought for a moment; the big grin on his face suggests it is a pleasant one. After a bit, though, his smile disappears.
'Hang on,' he says. 'The seventeen seconds...that was Monj!'
Froon looks uncomfortable.
'And The Flax! That was Monj too!'
Froon swallows nervously, and then smiles as an idea pops into his head.
'The Flax, Ben? You mean, the ep where you DIE?'
Ben looks startled.
'Come on, Benny boy,' says Froon, starting to feel a bit more lively. 'OK, so I got you beaten up a bit early on. Yes, I did put you in the chair. And no, you have never snogged Aeryn in one of my episodes. But did I ever kill you?'
Ben stares, stepping back off the platform.
'No,' he says, shaking his head slowly.
'No, I never killed you, Ben,' says Froon, smiling. 'So why don't you let me go, and give Monj the treatment instead?'
'Monj,' says Ben, slowly, as if in a trance. 'Yeah. Sounds good.'
'You can cover him in puke too, Ben,' says Froon. 'Make him eat crackers.'
'Crackers,' says Ben, numbly. He reaches up and releases Froon's feet from the chair, but as he straightens up, he catches Froon's eye.
'I get the feeling there's something I'm missing,' Ben says, looking confused.
'Missing?' says Froon, innocently.
'Yeah...like there are memories of things which have happened to me which I don't recall...things which happened in the chair that I can't remember...'
Froon frowns, as Ben releases the arm restraints.
'What makes you think that, Ben?' says Froon, innocently.
'Well, it's a little difficult, Froon. The author of this fic is watching Farscape on the BBC, and therefore hasn't seen anything beyond Dream A Little Dream, but she may have caught some spoilers since then...'
Froon looks warily at Ben, realising that he may well be in extremely deep dren right now.
'Unfortunately, the spoilers haven't told this author very much, so she isn't sure exactly what happened.'
Froon breathes a heavy sigh of relief.
'So it would be impossible for me to respond to you, Froon, in the manner which I might after Won't Get Fooled Again,' says Ben.
Froon breathes the heaviest sigh of relief in history.
'Even though obviously you know what happened in that ep, since you acted in it,' prompts Froon, frowning.
'Errr...yeah,' says Ben, a bit confused by all this sci-fi timeline type-stuff. 'Obviously...although I seem to have forgotten it at the moment. Something about Scorpy?' he says, confused.
'Yes,' says Froon, his eyes lighting up slightly at the word. 'Scorpy. The Aurora Chair. Plenty of fun...'
He slips out of the chair, the restraints having been undone by Ben, and runs from the room, cackling.
'Eh?' says Ben, entirely bewildered. 'Wait...I remember now...must trap Monj...must make Monj pay...' He repeats the words like a robot, and then heads out of the studio, his limbs moving stiffly.
'MWUHAAHAAHAAHAAA!' said Froon, rubbing his hands together evilly as he scampers towards his puter of doom. 'Now, at last, my true nature can surface! Those Scapers are right - I am evil, soooo evil! Roll on Season 3! MWUHAHAHAHAHAAA!'
FIN