Nappa's Quest for Vengeance
One day, there was a tall young man wearing glasses who was sitting at his computer while staring at the screen.
"Hmmmmmm…" he muttered. "I wonder what should happen next…I need something dangerous…" the man said to himself, as he pondered a screen on which was written various text. It was the third part of a story called Bloodthirst.
The man's god-given name was Eric Mersereau, but for the story he was in the midst of writing, he went under another name: Ash The Wanderer.
And his normal day was about to get a lot weirder.
"Hmmmm, maybe I can…"
Then the screen deformed and then suddenly what looked like a giant picture of Nappa popped up on the document Ash was writing. Ash stopped typing as his jaw dropped.
"Hey!" Nappa said in his growling voice. "Are you ASS the Wanderer?"
Ash blinked. Nappa did not sound friendly.
"Uh…no! I'm Ash the Walker-Arounder. Ash the Wanderer is my cousin."
"Oh! Well, sorry to disturb you then." Nappa said, and his face vanished.
Ash blinked again and then slowly got up.
"Ok…did I just see…what I think I saw?" he said as he slowly turned around to leave.
"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!" came Nappa's voice from the computer.
"Uh oh." Ash said, and tried to run.
Too late, as a huge pair of hands suddenly burst from the computer screen and grabbed Ash, yanking him backwards.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH-OWWW!" Ash said as he his back slamemd into the screen. Nappa kept pulling at him, but Ash refused to budge.
"Oh dammit! I forgot I have to invoke Ice's chant to get him in here! Um, let's see, what was it…" Nappa muttered. Ash tried to get away but had no luck in it.
"Oh yeah! Now I remember. Ahem…" Nappa began. Unable to move at all, Ash reached over and grabbed his favorite pen, which lay nearby in case he needed to jot down ideas for later.
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout! This is my handle, this is my spout!" Nappa said, before reached past Ash to push the Enter key on his keyboard.
And then all Ash felt was a sense of falling over and over.
Which ended rudely as he suddenly smacked ass-first into the ground.
"Owww…my tailbone…" he said.
"Your tailbone will be the least of your worries, ASS!" Nappa said. Ash shook his head and looked up at the gigantic saiya-jin warrior.
"Ok, aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"I was, but Ice Queen wished me back to be her muse after Trunks quit after the pink tutu incident!"
"So what do you have against me?"
"All that rotten chinese food you dumped on my head when I ate Chaozu!"
"You actually ATE mime-boy?"
"Yes, and what you did made me mad as hell! Now I stink!"
"You would probably stink whether or not you had rotten chinese food dumped on you." Ash muttered.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!??!?!" Nappa roared.
"I said you would probably sink if you had cotton lumped on you." Ash replied.
"Oh. Yeah, I probably…wait a minute, that makes no sense…how can…" Nappa said as his few remaining brain cells tried to puzzle out what Ash had said. Ash took the time to try and get away.
"Oh no you don't!" Nappa said, grabbing the writer. "I still owe you an ass kicking for the chinese food!" Nappa roared, and cocked back his fist.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT! Stop the ass-kicking!" Ash said, putting his hands in a time-out sign.
"What?" Nappa said, lowering his fist.
"Technically, I didn't do anything to you. You did when you ate Chaozu! You caused my curse to happen!"
"Oh yeah? Well you were the one who went around cursing Ice Queen! You caused her stories to go insane! So I think I'll kick your ass anyway!" Nappa said, drawing back his fist.
"She started it! She made Chibi Trunks turn against me!"
"You interpeted it that way. ASS-Kicking time!"
"WAIT WAIT WAIT!"
"What is it THIS time?" Nappa said, lowering his fist again.
"Can at least get a last request?"
"Last request? Uhhhhhhh…I guess so." Nappa said.
"Ok. For my last request, I would like to sing a song."
"A song?" Nappa asked, as Ash inhaled.
"1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,000,000 bottles of beer! If one fell, what the hell, 999,999 bottles of beer on the wall! 999,999 bottles of beer on the wall…" Ash sang as he reached for his notebook in his back pocket, hoping he hadn't lost it. Nappa was looking more and more annoyed that he had been tricked into this.
"999,998 bottles of beer! If one fell…"
"OK, I CHANGED MY MIND!" Nappa roared as he cocked back a fist. Ash hurridly whipped open his notebook and scribbled something on it.
"TAKE-ARGH!" Nappa yelled as his feet suddenly gave out and he fell forward, right on his face. Ash landed and scrambled away.
"OW! My doze! You murt my doze!" Nappa said as he got up, holding his injured face. "Now pid moo do mlat?"
Ash looked at his notebook in amazement.
"It worked."
"You sock-sucking son of a witch! I'll get you!" Nappa roared, as he cocked back his fist and a red ki blast glowed on it. Ash hurridly wrote something down again.
"HA-OW!" Nappa screamed as his own fist suddenly punched him in the face. Ash again looked amazed at the piece of paper where he had written "Nappa suddenly fell flat on his face" and "Nappa sudenly punched himself in the mouth".
"It works. It actually works. My author power holds here. Anything I write will happen…"Ash said, as an evil smirk came over his face. He quickly wrote something down again, and Nappa again punched himself in the face.
"Don't hit yourself!" Ash catcalled, and wrote it down again. Nappa screamed and yelled, but he couldn't do anything to keep his fists from constantly punching his face.
"Don't hit yourself! Don't hit yourself!" Ash mocked, and then wrote a somewhat longer thing down. Napa took his hands from his swollen face and suddenly clutched his stomach.
"OOOOOHHHHHH…I don't feel so good…I think I'm gonna…BLARFGH!" Nappa groaned before his mouth suddenly opened impossibly wide and hurled out Chaozu, who tumbled and landed at Ash's feet.
"Hey, I'm alive….eeeeewwwwww, where was I?" Chaozu groaned, looking at his incredibly filthy clothes, stained by being god knows where in Nappa's digestive system. He looked at Ash. "Who are you?"
"I'm Ash. Pleased to meet you, Chaozu." Ash said, and quickly wrote something down. Chaozu gasped as his clothes were suddenly clean.
"How did you do that?"
"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Nappa screamed, and powered up. "I'M GONNA SQUASH YOU BOTH LIKE BUGS!"
"Nappa! I thought he was dead!" Chaozu said.
"So did I. Think you can handle him?"
"I don't know…" Chaozu said. Ash quickly wrote something down.
Nappa's mouth fell open as Chaozu suddenly grew into a giant three times his size and ten times his strength level.
"Hasta la vista, Nappy." Chaozu rumbled, and then picked up Nappa, scruntched him into a ball, bounced him up and down a few times, and then kicked him over the horizon. Nappa's yelled all the way until he was out of sight.
Ash quickly wrote one last thing down.
And far away, Nappa landed in a big pile of rotten chinese food.
"Ohhhhhh, I'm evil." Ash snickered, and wrote something else down. Chaozu returned to his normal size a second later.
"Thanks mister! But how did you do all that?" Chaozu said.
"Um…well…you see…it's very hard to…dammit, I'll just cheat!" Ash declared, and wrote down. "Chaozu suddenly possessed all the knowledge he needed to make sense of what had happened."
Chaozu's eyes crossed, and then he scowled.
"EAT ME!?!?!??!?!?" he yelled. "People like to write about Vegeta, Piccolo, and everyone else EATING ME???????"
"Yeah. Don't blame them. They're just trying to be funny, but I felt they were unnecessarily picking on you. I mean, you did all you could! You should at least get some respect!" Ash said. "Now, how the hell do I get back to my world?"
"I dunno. Maybe we could find the dragon balls?" Chaozu suggested.
"That would probably work…but I have no desire to tromp around the DBZ world in this body. Gimme a second." Ash said, and wrote something down.
Then Ash was suddenly consumed with bright light, and when it cleared, Ash had completely changed. Rather bulky and with short, far too curly dirty-blonde before, he was now a muscular man with jet-black hair and with leather pants, a black shirt, and a black leather trenchcoat.
"What did you do?" Chaozu said in amazement.
"I turned myself into my writing alter ego. By the way, I owe Ice Queen a few favours, for her trying to have Nappa kick my ass! Ok Ice Queen, I'm right here, come and get me!"
Nothing happened.
"Hmmmpphhh! Well, I'm sure she'll show up, I beat the crap out of her muse, or friend, or whatever Nappa is to her. Until then…hey Chaozu, I said I would help you get revenge. Care to inflict a few…humuilating fates on the people who always are eating you in stories?"
"How so, Ash?"
"I command the power of authorship. The written word is my omnipotence. As long as I have this pen, I can make anything happen. Observe."
Ash wrote something down, and suddenly the sun set.
He wrote something else, and it rose again.
He wrote something else, and suddenly a horde of people appeared from nowhere and began to bow.
"You're wonderful! We are nothing! You are so great, Emporer Chaozu!" came the swarm of voices from all the people. Ash wrote something else and they all vanished.
"This could be a lot of fun." Chaozu said with an evil smirk.
"You betcha…hey, is that Piccolo?" Ash said, as he noticed the familiar Namek flying overhead.
"I think so…I can't believe so many people think he's sexy, he doesn't even have a sex!" Chaozu muttered.
"Different strokes for different folks…"Ash trailed off as an evil smirk again crossed his face. "Oh, I am SO evil…" he chuckled as he again wrote something down.
Piccolo suddenly found he was wearing tight leather pants, a tight cut up shirt, and no turban.
"What the…" he began, and then suddenly a look came over his eyes and he began to dance.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt…too sexy for my shirt…so sexy it hurts…" he began to sing, as he dirty-danced in the air. Down on the ground, Ash and Chaozu collasped in laughter.
"And to top it off…" Ash said, and wrote "Piccolo also decided to do this in front of every female in the DBZ world he could find."
"I'm too sexy for my planet…too sexy for my planet…" Picclo sang as he dirty-danced flew off. Ash's eyes glittered in mischief.
"Let's see what else I can shake up here."
What will Ash and Chaozu do in the DBZ world? Will Ash find his way home? Will Ice Queen interfere in Ash's attempt to cause chaos in the DBZ world? Will Ice Queen try to curse Ash's stories in return for his cursing of hers? Does Ice Queen know this is all in fun? Tune in next time for these answers in the follow up tale "Chaozu Gets His Revenge."
(Ok, for those of you wondering just how this all started, it began with Ice Queen's story "Babysitting Trunks". In one of the chapters, Trunks cursed Ash. I assume they meant another Ash, probably Ash Ketchum, but I, as a joke, took it to mean me. In my review, I blamed Ice Queen for "turning Trunks against me.", and I also cursed Trunks to have to wear a pink tutu through the rest of the story. To my surprise, Ice Queen actually did that. Since then, she and I have had fun by cursing each other's stories. In her latest story, Kitty Curse, I cursed her to have to have Piccolo keep trying to sell dog food to Vegeta, for Dende to be yodelling and hopping on a pogo stick, for Goku to be a genius, and for Freiza going around and asking Ice Queen to play "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.", which as you can see, she did. But my main point of my curses have been trying to protect Chaozu, mainly that if anyone tried to hurt him, various weights of rotten chinese food would fall on their heads. Nappa ate Chaozu in Kitty Curse, thus causing this to happen, and when Ice Queen told Nappa that I was the one who was responsible, he came after me, thus this fic. If you want to see what I cursed to happen in Ice Queen's next story, read my review of Kitty Curse. Just know I have nothing against the Queen at all, this is all a joke. She is a treasure to FF.Net, and if she wants to curse any of my stories, I would be honoured! She can even curse this one! It will make it even more crazy!)