Author's Note: I had several "How to annoy" stories and I couldn't help but feel that I had to write one of my own! Title is named after the upcoming movie, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" with Megan Fox and Kirsten Dunst. I really hope you like it – it's my first humour piece yet!
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William Turner
So, you wanna annoy this little woman-of-a-man, don't you? Well, if you don't, then go away. You'll be having serious health problems if you're a Will Turner/Orlando Bloom fan girl. I'm a Jack Sparrow/Johnny Depp fangirl (Mind you, I still will make one that pokes at him) so I can heartily say this will be FUN!
Here are some of the things YOU can do today!
Tell Will he's a pansy.
Tell Will that his father's an evil pirate who takes lives of Aztec tomb raiders and sends him medallions that the tomb raiders owned.
Force him to watch Elizabeth Kissing Jack. On your giant-screen television.
On repeat.
When he's asleep, use toothpaste as make-up so he looks like the joker.
On second thought, make the toothpaste the white putty-foundation. Use caviar for lipstick and sharpie for the eye things.
When he wakes up, run around in circles and scream, "THE JOKER WILL EAT US ALL!"
If he asks whom the Joker is, give him strange looks.
Tie him to a chair and make him watch you break Will Turner action figures.
Or Elizabeth Swann action figures.
Tell you what, how about you make him watch you break Will and Elizabeth…and Bootstrap Bill!
Tell him that Jack Sparrow could beat him in Sword Fighting any day.
Tell him that his Sword Fighting skills are so lax, even a drunken baby could fight him. And win.
Tell him he's an overgrown ape.
Tell him that his fan girls have abandoned him for Jack.
When he asks why, tell him it's because they realized he was a woman in disguise. And they thought Jack was hotter.
Sneeze when he comes near you.
When he asks if you're okay, say no, because you're allergic to him.
Tell him he shouldn't wear stockings. It only adds to the woman look.
Call him fat and chubby and say that men who fence shouldn't be as tubby as he is.
Tie him to a chair and glue his boots to the floor. Then tell him Davy Jones is out to get him.
Then dress up like Davy Jones and do Hokey Pokey dance in front of him.
If you're still in Davy Jones's costume, dangle a fake heart in front of him and tell him that he couldn't get it even if he tried.
Say this: "Jack looks 100 times better than you. You're ugly. He's not."
Say it 20,000 times in a row.
On Valentine's Day, send him a valentine with Jack's face on it.
Inside, make it say "WillEunuch 4EVER!"
Slap him.
When he asks why, say that it's past Halloween and that his ugly face is scaring children.
Then say it also scared Elizabeth so much, she decided to elope with Jack.
Tell Will that Norrington married Elizabeth. Because she hates Will.
On Will's birthday, tie him to a chair and run around him, singing, "Will is a Pansy! Will is a Pansy!" over and over again (to the Jar of Dirt tune).
Eat all of his marshmallows.
And his pizza.
Throw him overboard.
No, throw Elizabeth overboard.
Run around him in circles on his birthday and scream "Jack is the bestest pirate ever! Will is a fat pansy!"
Every time Will walks past you, yell "EUNUCH ALERT!" and run away.
Put permanent glue in his boots. And make sure he ain't wearing those dang stockings.
Use a razor and change his hairdo. Into a Mohawk.
Use eyeliner so he looks like a punk rocker
Put nerd glasses on top. So he's a punk-rocker wannabe.
Oh, wait, adding to the wannabe look: put billy-bob teeth in.
Steal Will's knife.
When he asks why, say that he's a cruel violent madman and that you called the lunatic's asylum to collect him. And that he'd better hide under the bed.
You don't call the asylum. He's been under the bed for three weeks now.
When he asks why you're so mean to him, say that he's so thick he can't get the humour.
Take him to New York's Times Square and seat him next to the Naked Cowboy. Take lots of pictures.
Tell him that he's not good at copying Jack and that he really actually sucks.
Tell him that Jack's an original uniqueness. And that Will is a nerdy wannabe.
Put a whoopee Cushion under his chair. Every time he sits down.
Borrow Johnny Depp's fart machine and stick it under the table near Will's regular seat When you and Will have dinner with royalty, press the button.
Press it a lot.
Put him in a chicken outfit your dad wore last Halloween.
Tell him he looks great – like a supermodel!
Take tons of pictures and videos and post them on the internet.
Tell Will that he makes a bad Barbie.
When he asks you what a Barbie is, slap in the face.
When he says "Ow," give him a black eye.
Tell Will that Jack and Elizabeth got married and have 5,000,000,000,000 kids.
Kids they named "Jack is Pretty" or "Elizabeth is Pretty."
Tell Will that they all get confused a lot, but they love it.
Tell Will that they're glad he's gone.
TA-DA!
You have successfully finished this guide to annoying Will Turner!