A Sea Of Troubles
To be, or not to be; that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And, by opposing, end them.
- Hamlet
.I want to die.
Many creatures have said that. But I mean it.
I want to die.
Everyone I've ever loved is dead. What have I to live for?
I want to die.
This isn't getting me anywhere. Actions speak louder than words, but I can't kill myself.
Physically, I suppose, I could, but I don't have the courage to do it.
Or, as my father would have said, I have the courage not to do it.
Something's stopping me. Something like – it's as if Dame Fortune is tugging at my sleeve.
Stopping me from doing what I want.
What have I to live for?
Don't
ask stupid questions, replies Fate irritably. How should I know?Good point. How do I know what's in store for me? What if by killing myself I kill hundreds of others – indirectly, of course?
So, I shall live my life in catharsis. I've nothing better to do, I suppose. Carry on my wanderings. I couldn't go back to Noonvale. I promised to protect Rose with my life, and I am still alive while she is dead. I couldn't face her parents. Who could? I blame myself.
Rose…it hurts to say her name even now. Nothing can ever heal that wound. But as Dame Fortune doubtless has planned more cruel blows, I'm sure I shall have other injuries that will cover it up quite nicely.
No more boring soliloquies, no more feeling sorry for myself! I have hope for the future.
I wish…
It seems such a long time ago, Badrang, Noonvale, and death.
As if I'm looking at it from a great distance…
I have nothing more to say.
The rest is silence.
Love is…an ever fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken…
- Sonnet 116