Disclaimer: Don't sue yadda yadda. Or sue, whatever. Have a ball.
Summary: A missing scene from "Essence", Mulder talks to Scully's mom while they are at the hospital after Lizzie is discovered changing the pills. Mulder POV.
A/N: not much to say, really. Short, kind of bittersweet fluff. Not betaed, English is not my native language.
Review: Constructive criticism is always welcome. If you want to flame me, please at least try to be stylish about it.
Truth or dare
by
soavezefiretto
She is running towards him.
"Fox? What is it? What's wrong? Is she ok?"
"Yes, Mrs. Scully, Dana's fine, she's fine."
"Can I see her?"
"Not right now. They are running some tests."
The only times he calls her Dana is when he's talking to her mother. She is also the only one who consistently calls him Fox. He likes it.
"What happened?"
"She... she caught the woman who was helping her out, Lizzie... something. She saw her exchange some of her prescription pills for something else."
"Oh my God, what? What was it?"
"That's why we're here. To find out what it was, and if it did anything to Dana, or the baby."
"But why? Why would she do that?"
"Agent Doggett is talking to her right now. Where did you meet her, Mrs. Scully? Who introduced you to her?"
"Who...? I - I can't remember. I think a neighbour talked about her when I mentioned finding someone to help Dana out. She said she'd heard nothing but good things about her, and then she seemed so reliable, and her references were perfect... oh my God, I can't believe this!"
He wants to say something to make her feel better. But the only thing he can think of is "these people know what they are doing, if they wanted to hurt Dana, they would have found a way with or without you." That isn't exactly reassuring, not something you'd tell a distraught mother. So he just puts his hand on Mrs. Scully's shoulder. When she looks up at him, he considers smiling, but then discards the idea. He's not sure he could manage that right now.
"Don't worry. She's going to be fine. She's been through worse."
"Yes, she has, hasn't she."
They sit down on two of the chairs in the aisle. There doesn't seem much else to say. Suddenly, Mrs. Scully turns to him.
"Can I ask you something, Fox?"
"Sure."
"Are you the father of Dana's child?"
"What?"
"You heard me. Are you the father of my daughter's child?"
He stares at her blankly. It's a legitimate question, perhaps even the most natural question in the world, the question on everybody's mind, and the only one he isn't prepared to answer.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Scully, but you know that Dana doesn't want to talk about that."
"I'm not asking her, I'm asking you."
"Same difference."
Now she smiles slightly and shakes her head.
"Yes... talking to the one is like talking to the other, isn't it?"
"I just want to respect her wishes."
"I understand that. But understand me too, Fox. I need to know."
He bites his lip.
"Could you be?"
"Could I be what?"
"Could you be the baby's father?"
Mulder shakes his head.
"Mrs. Scully, please..."
"Alright, alright. God, what's taking them so long?"
"Do you want me to go and ask if they have any results yet?"
"No. I... I have one last question. Don't worry, this one has nothing to do with Dana, you can answer it - if you want, that is."
"Ok."
"Do you want to be? Do you want to be the father of Dana's baby?"
Suddenly, Mulder feels tears stinging right behind his eyelids, and he knows that if he blinks just once, they are going to start rolling down his cheeks. He looks away, blinks, and there they come. He feels Mrs. Scully put her hand on his shoulder, and forces himself to look at her. She looks as if she's sorry she asked, but remains silent.
It would be easy to stand up, walk away. Politely deny, smile. Change the subject. He's very good at changing the subject. But, to his surprise and horror, he finds he can't do it again. Not looking into this woman's eyes. And he cannot look away.
"Yes."
She takes his hand and continues to look at him silently, and he sees so much of Scully in those eyes that, even in his irrational terror, he's somewhat reassured.
"Yes. Yes, I... I'd give my life for that."
He nods emphatically, like a child, and repeats "I'd give my life". He's struggling not to sob. Great, just what he needed.
"Does she know that?"
"I don't know."
Still holding his hand, Mrs. Scully sighs in exasperation.
"I don't understand the two of you! Why do you insist on being so hard on yourselves? Isn't your life hard enough as it is?"
Mulder shrugs, which makes him look about twelve years old.
"You don't know what it was like for her to lose you, Fox. She was... literally wasting away. Her child was all that kept her going. Don't you think she has suffered enough? Don't you think that she deserves a moment of happiness?"
Mulder gets up and starts to pace.
"What happiness, Mrs. Scully? What happiness?"
"The happiness of hearing the man she loves say that he loves her too, and that he wants to be a father to her child, that he wants them to be a family. That's what you want, isn't it?"
"I... I don't know what I want. Mrs. Scully, this is really a very bad time, and I don't even know why I answered your question, why I - said that. I'm not thinking clearly now... I'm just worried about Dana, that's all."
"And when hasn't it been a bad time, Fox? How many times have we sat together like this in a hospital, fearing for Dana's life? I have seen you. I have seen you suffer, and feel guilty, and beat yourself up, and then I've seen you go away and leave Dana behind, and I've always wondered, why?"
"I was looking for the truth."
"Yes, Dana used to say the same thing. But what I saw was another truth. The way her eyes lit up when you came into the room, or when she talked about you. That's what I saw. And how sad she was when you were gone."
"It's... difficult..."
"It's always difficult."
"For me. Particularly."
As he sits down again beside her, it's like surrendering. What he's surrendering, he's not sure. But he knows he's tired of fighting this particular fight. It's over now.
"I was prepared not to have any meaningful relationships. I wanted it that way. My goals in life lay elsewhere. I... I believed I had a mission, that I was... chosen."
This sounds presumptuous and stupid, but Mrs. Scully is still listening, so he blunders on.
"That was my life. The search for the truth. And then she came along, and she was... so much more than could ever had hoped for. I could not believe her, and I could not accept that she was now by my side, searching for the same truth. I didn't... I didn't deserve her! And I don't. Now even less. Everything that's happening to her, it's all my fault."
"Do you think that's what it's about? Whose fault it is?"
A nurse approaches and stops in front of their seats.
"Excuse me, are you Mrs. Scully? You can see your daughter now, she's over there, room 002."
They both get up. Mrs. Scully squeezes his hand one time before letting it go.
"Please forgive me, Fox. I didn't mean to upset you. I was being selfish. I just needed to hear it."
"What?"
"All of it. I feel better now. Thank you."
Mulder hears the doctors talk, feels relieved and puzzled about what they say about the pills that woman wanted to give Scully, then sees Mrs. Scully go into the room and hug her daughter. Now it's her turn to cry and feel guilty. He wishes he could spare her that.
Walking away with Skinner, he looks back at Scully, like he has done so many times. "I would give my life", he has said. Words can change the world, true words and lies alike. He wonders what changes his words will bring.