A sharp image of a little girl, laughing. Standing by a grave, unbearable grief- image of a young man, raising a baby over her head, joy-
Julian's heart pounded so hard he thought it would beat its way out of his chest. Around him, people walked by on the busy street oblivious to what was happening inside his head All he had done was pick up the handbag for the woman in front of him after it had fallen out of her hands onto the pavement. His hand barely touched hers in the exchange when it started.
"Are you alright?" she asked as she positioned the strap of the bag on her shoulder, her eyebrows raised in a moment of concern.
"Yeah, fine. Perfectly fine. Thank you," he lied as he turned away.
The woman was resilient, kind. Mary. She had lost her grandmother. The baby's name was Michael, after his father.
How do I know all that? What the hell…
He felt his shoulder brush against someone and it started again. This time it was a young man.
Watching his father at his desk, curiosity. In school, frustration-a young woman, happiness, an airport watching her leave, pain…
"Excuse me," the man said politely as he walked on.
His father had great expectations of him. His name was David. He had challenges in school, a learning disability, found someone and had suffered loss.
What is happening to me?
Julian made his way to the edge of the pavement so he could stand clear of the foot traffic and take stock of the situation. He stared down at his hands, then ran them through his hair. He started to touch his face and then realized his actions would look strange to any passerby who might happen to notice him but it confirmed that nothing obvious about himself had changed. He didn't 'feel' any different. He hadn't been zapped by lightning or anything equally dramatic and surely if this had anything to do with being Alchemy it would have shown up before now. His immediate concern was to isolate himself. He had to get away from this crowd before he inadvertently intruded into someone else's private life.
Why did I think it was a good idea to walk home from H.R.'s memorial service?
He took several deep breaths and looked up at the sky. Had it been less than an hour since he had said goodbye to H.R. and Caitlin?
Caitlin.
There had been something there between them, even if was still in its early stages but he knew it was real, but to his own surprise, he found letting her go easier than he thought possible. She literally had to find herself and she needed to do that alone. It was all about her, not him, and what she needed. Even though it was probably the most unselfish thing he had done in a long time, it still hurt. He hailed a cab and within ten minutes was back in the safety of his apartment. The first thing he did was take a good long look at himself in the mirror. After all, those times of creating meta-humans while being controlled by Savitar did this mean some force in the Universe was having the last laugh?
Caitlin, H.R. and now Barry?
Julian thought he had adjusted to the world of meta-humans and speedsters. In other circumstances, the blue glow of the Speed Force would have filled him with wonder but now his scientific curiosity was stifled by disbelief. He didn't know how many more losses this team could take. Anger took the place of confusion. His friendship with Barry had been stalled in its tracks before it had a chance to take root. He was just as gone as H.R and Caitlin. He heard Iris crying and turned to see the West family in a tight embrace. He felt a presence near him. Without looking he knew it was Cisco.
"I'm sorry mate,' he said in an attempt to fill the void. "Your two best friends gone…"
"I don't understand." Cisco's voice was broken."I can't explain what I'm feeling right now. Part of me is really angry at Barry. This is all his fault but…" Julian glanced over at him. "I'd forgive him for everything if they'd just let him come back." Cisco's stared straight ahead and as the blue void closed, his eyes glowing, tears running down his cheeks.
Cisco seemed to realize who he was talking to. He reached over to take Julian by the arm.
No….no! The crystal clear images shot through his mind in quick succession. Little Cisco being bullied, sharing a bottle of whiskey with his brother, anger at Barry, frustration with Julian and H.R., true affection for Caitlin and the Wests…pain, pain and more pain about Dante. Kissing Gypsy…
"You won't say anything, being British and all that, but I know all this is hard for you. Caitlin didn't mean those things she said when she was Killer Frost. I believe she really did care about you, Julian. She was just…afraid." Julian could hear Cisco's voice but it was like he was speaking at the other end of a long tunnel. He did his best to gently move his arm to break contact. The images vanished.
"And we still could use your help at S.T.A.R. labs. Wally's going to need us." Cisco continued.
"Yes, of course. Right. I'll do my best." Julian always kept his own emotions in check but it was difficult to process someone else's.
Keep cool. Don't show the struggle.
He had barely recovered when it started again. Iris brushing past him to go stand where Barry had last been seen. He saw her when she was small, growing up with Barry, realizing Barry was The Flash, Loving Eddie Thawne, his death, anger at her father, frustration with her brother, loving and losing Barry. Iris' life stretched out in front of him like a book and he felt everything.
"Bloody hell," he said to himself. He covered his face with his hands in an attempt to wipe it all away.
"Are you going to be ok, Julian?" Once again Cisco sounded like he was far away.
Damn. Is this going to keep happening for the rest of my life?
"Yes, I will be. I just need to…go be alone for a while." He let his hands drop to his side forcing his eyes to focus on something in the distance. He had things to do. He needed to run some tests on himself. He had to do what he could to fix this.
"I understand, " Cisco said oblivious to Julian's struggle. "So do I. And I mean it, about helping Wally. You're still part of the team."
"Thanks, mate," Julian said. He walked away without looking back. The journey back home through the city was a blur.
Back in his apartment, he poured himself a drink. He stared hard and long at the amber liquid in the glass, wondering if alcohol or any drug could dull this thing. Of all the powers and abilities that were handed out, why was he saddled with this? It was more like a disease than any sort of asset.
A strange idea began to form in his mind. It would be very easy to use this, to learn people's deepest secrets and then extort money out of them for his silence. He would know everything they had done. He could even indulge in a little insider trading. It would make his parents happy if he could somehow regain all the money he had lost when he went relic hunting in India. No one needed to know anything about it.
Just as the scheme started to take root he saw Caitlin's face, rising out of his thoughts like a warning angel. That's how their relationship had started. Their mutual bonding over being forced to do despicable things and their shared quest to find redemption. Over and over he had told her she was Caitlin Snow, not Killer Frost. To go over to the dark side would feel like a betrayal of all that time they spent together and right now, that was all he had left.