Disclaimer: As per any writer on this site I do not own Russia, the country or the character, nor do I own in any way the Hetalia storyline. If I did many of my head cannons would be, well, cannon :D Starting with Russia being much more in depth as I portray him in my mind.

Author's Note: I wrote this story in first person, speaking from Russia's perspective, for a few reasons. One, it made it more emotional in my opinion, and two it made it very personal to my own messy, icy heart. Writing this helped me get out some things that had been sitting in my mind, festering and causing me grief; though it was because of that that this came about so I suppose I can't regret it. Anyway, if you do not support Russia x Belarus then I respect that, everyone has their favored pairings, but please offer me the same respect and don't comment on this piece solely to bash my love of these two. It's a pairing very close to my heart, as it's what made me bond with the girl I'm deeply in love with to this day; I hope you can appreciate that and understand my feelings. As for those who might be wondering 'What the hell, Cruel? What about your other stories?' I merely have this to say: I just can't find inspiration behind either of them anymore, but I'm still determined to FORCE some inspiration and finish Cruel Alchemy as it was my fanfic baby and I'd like to nurture it into adulthood where it can thrive and live on its own :'D My Little Fox, however, is probably a lost cause OTL I apologize...I just don't care about SasuNaru anymore. KakaIru, on the other hand, will always be a love of mine ;D Anyway, enjoy my angsty little rant told from the Russian mouth~3

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Heart's A Mess

How long has it been?

How long has it been since the last time I'd felt any connection to that place inside myself? That place I only knew as the gaping hole in my chest, which allowed my heart to come tumbling out whenever I felt the need to be numb; or whenever I felt too much and couldn't handle it.

It had become second nature by now, watching my cold, steady heart beat mechanically in my hands, so I could only assume an eternity had passed since I felt connected to the place it normally rested inside of me. Since I'd felt connected to that heart of mine at all.

When had she found a way to change that?

I've known Natalia all my life, I've watched her grow into a beautiful country, and an even more beautiful person. I've known exactly the kind of person she is, and what she's wanted all this time, so...how and when did she claw her way into that place inside, making it her home?

How did I now love her so much?

Not just as my sister as I had in the past, and not as the beauty Lithuania constantly revered her as, but as Nata, the woman that took my breath away. As the woman who, with just the lightest touch of her hand, could fill me with a warmth I'd long since forgotten. How did she become this person to me, when I thought such feelings were impossible now?

I don't understand it, and perhaps I never will.

Recently though, I've discovered that, coupled with these emotions that are so warm, so comforting, comes the darker feelings I'm so accustomed to. Pessimism, paranoia, self-degradation, and most prominently...fear. Even when I look back and remember the moment where everything fell apart, when I snapped inside, I don't remember being as fearful as I am today.

What am I so afraid of?

Is it fear of coming undone again? That these deeply-rooted emotions will collide under the pressure I feel to maintain them, and I'll go and do something? I feel sick just considering the possiblity of harming Natalia, or anything we have...so maybe that's not quite it; I'm not as scared of that as I am just disgusted by the idea of it.

Perhaps I'm just afraid of the old adage of "if it feels too good to be true, it probably is". After all, I've experienced that once...the things that have kept me grounded in the past, made me feel alive and happy, have been taken away from me before. So it's a fear of loss?

I'm not entirely sure.

When I think about it, I find that what terrifies me the most is becoming disconnected. That sounds strange coming from me, right? I'm so separated from the rest of the world most of the time, in this cold, empty place that is my home, my self, that you would think I had become rather used to it by now, yes? Well it's rather simple...

Once a connection is there, it's a horrifying thing to have it ripped from you.

Or more accurately, I feel like it's falling out of me, out of that place I'd only recently learned was there again after so long of neglecting it. That thing inside of me, my heart, one would call it...she'd wrapped herself around it and filled it with warmth, with a passion I'd forgotten all about; she was keeping it stitched inside of my chest with my love for her.

But what would happen should it fall out again someday?

Ah...that's what it is. That very question is what's forcing my love to share its home with this agonizing fear. If the day were to come where I would be staring down at that part of me that likes to fall out when it can't handle too much, my hand lifelessly clutching it, would she fall out along with it? Would I be free of her in a way I tremble to think of?

Is this the path I'm destined to travel down time and time again?

What a cold and lonely destiny that is; could it really be mine? But then again look at me...those two words describe me to my very core, even as I have people around me, calling them my friends and family. Other than Nata do any of them really need me? And does Natalia really need me, or is that just her love for me talking? Am I merely fooling myself?

All these questions and no answers...

Here I am, sitting in the darkness of this empty house of mine, asking these things of no one but myself. Has the fear grown so mighty that it is only times like these that I can speak what's in this worn, tired heart of mine? I suppose even if someone were to hear all this they wouldn't understand a word of it.

Feliks and Toris have each other no matter what, even after I had Toris for myself for so long, so they wouldn't understand, nor do they probably really care. Eduard and Raivis are too busy fearing me to worry about how I feel, and I can imagine would be free of me the moment they saw an opportunity. Even my own dearest older sister, Katya, abandoned me, and is so full of emotion that trying to understand me would probably do nothing but bring her confusion.

Not that I could blame a single one of them for any of this.

With a hand over my chest I can feel that thing inside me beating, softly and slowly, as if patiently awaiting an opportunity to escape. Even looking out at the cloudy, night sky is doing nothing for me like it had only nights before, when I'd found the romance in such an image. Is this it? Is this the beginning of my brief period of feeling...human?

Despite how long I've lived...why is it that I feel like, the time with her in that place, that hollowed-out place, is the only stretch of time I've felt alive? If she were to leave that place, as I've already experience everyone forcing their way out, would this heart of mine die? Would it just stop remembering to beat when separate from my body?

Would the next time I stare down at it be the last?

If I were to reach inside my chest and feel around, just how miry, how scarred and messed up would it be in there? Even with the warmth that's inside me now because of her, what kind of home have I given her and her love within myself? She deserves so much better, but this is all I have to give...

Oh, is that sadness I'm feeling?

It must be sadness for the fact that Natalia has accepted this place inside me as her home, disregarding how dark and terrible it is because it contains that love of mine she's always wanted. I almost feel like crying...yes, crying, because she would live in the filth of my heart just to get that love she desires so; how can she bring herself down to such a degrading level just for something like this? Oh how dolorous a thought that is...

Do I even remember how to cry?

I can't even find a memory of me doing so in my mind, not anytime after that terrible Sunday anyway. But imagining her in there, a thought that not too long ago I had found to be comforting, is now just so terribly sad and it's making my chest hurt. Could that be my heart trying to come out again? Is it trying to escape her grasp to make her free of it, or because it is weak and cannot take her strong sense of love for it?

Clasping my chest and tightly shutting my eyes, I tell it to stay where it is, to find whatever strength it has to just, this once, learn how to accept happiness, to accept love. All because we've lost those things that made us joyful, that made us human in the past, doesn't mean we'll lose them again. We've been trying so hard to make us happy, to find love for ourselves all these years, and while all those failed it was only because we weren't doing it right.

Were we doing it right?

No...how can love be brought on by force? You and I both know that it can't now, don't we heart? This, what Nata has done to us, this is how you fall in love. It's unexpected, it's tumultuous, it's strong and unpredictable...there's so much to it that even this fear I know you're feeling is merely another product of this consuming love we feel.

So please...just hang on.

For once just hold onto everything we're feeling, don't run away; I want to feel you beating inside my chest, not escaping into the palm of my hand. I want the pain you used to feel, the excitement and lust for life, I want it all...stop taking that away from me. Even if I feel like she's all I have, and other forms of love have escaped me like you always do, at least I have her. Don't take her away from me.

Why does the back of my throat ache?

Am I feeling sick just by trying to keep my heart where it should belong? Is it really so exhausting just to force you to stay within? Ah...but if that was bile irritating my larynx, why do I not taste it? W...What is this, and why does it also make my face burn? I can't believe what I'm feeling right now, how intense and foreign it is. When I lift one hand to my face I realize what's happening.

So this is what it feels like to cry.

Every muscle in me is shaking, unable to handle what's happening to me, and in that moment I forget what I should be doing in mere fascination with my tears and this overpowering emotion. I immediately regret losing focus, because to my everlasting regret and horror...I recognize the way everything became dull, gray even.

There it is, barely beating in my hand, a few lifeless, loose tears smacking its surface.

How I wanted to forget what you looked like...