A/N: Hey everyone! So, this is the third story I'm posting on here and again a Oneshot based on the song "Safe" by Westlife! I would highly recommend you listen to it while reading, because.. Well, you know, atmosphere and stuff;) I first heard it in the movie "Dolphin tale" and immediately wanted to write something with it! So here it is!
~I will keep you safe~
Without opening my eyes, I reach out to touch the cold mattress next to me. Lightly I stroke it, feeling the softness of the covers and sheets that are unused for the first time in a long while beneath my fingertips.
Eventually, I dare to open my eyes. The morning sun falls brightly through the big Windows, blending me and painting the whole room a beautiful warm white. It is almost ironic how everything keeps on going so normally, as if my whole world hasn't just shattered to pieces that cut me deeply with every breath I take. Aside from the useless blankets that are draped carefully at the end of the bed, nothing else in the room has changed. Pictures of us are still standing on the windowsills and Annabeths books are still a messy pile taking in our big bookshelf that she had insisted on buying several years ago. I have never been a big fan of it, mostly because I couldn't understand how someone could care so much about books. But as my glance now falls upon it I can't help but wish I could argue with her about it one last time, just to hear her voice again.
Because the worst thing, I now know, is the silence. I used to wonder why people ran from it, why some feared it like nothing else. For me, I've never been a fan of crowded places, nor have I ever liked chatter. It seems senseless to talk when there is nothing to talk about.
But now I understand. It is the silence that hangs like thick fog in the air and makes it hard to breathe. It is the silence that makes me think about what once was and what will never be. It is the silence that makes me realize how alone I truly am and what I've lost.
Hard to find a way to get through
It's a tragedy
Pulling at me like the stars do
You're like gravity
Even if the wind blows
It makes it hard to believe
Before, there had always been something. The faint sound of fine fingers turning the page of an old book, or the scribbling of a pen dancing over worn paper. Sometimes just Annabeths quiet breathing next to me that reassured me that she was there, right next to me, and that she wouldn't leave. There were times when I used to watch her sleep and trace her delicate features with my eyes, almost fearing she'd vanish if I closed my eyes for too long. She was always there when I opened them again.
Until that time when she wasn't.
Watching her fade away in front of me and not being able to do something about it was the hardest thing I had ever had to experience in my life. It was something I had never expected to happen and I was not prepared for it. Not at all.
When you fall in love with someone, there's always that thought in your mind about what your future's going to be like. Most people think about marrying, having kids and growing old together.
However, all of that changes once it's clear that there is no future to hope for.
Then it's all about hoping for another year or another month or another week.
Things that hadn't seemed important before suddenly meant the world to me. It was the small good moments, I realized, that made everything that was happening bearable. I started being thankful for mornings when she wouldn't get sick and we could stay in bed, her head bedded on my chest. I began to look forward to every smile she gave me, however faint it was, and to her laughter, that brightened every room she entered.
How you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
And if you lost your way
I will keep you safe
We'll open up all the world inside
I see it come alive tonight
I will keep you safe
But, as much as you try to see the good in everything, to appreciate everything that's given to you and to have hope, dying or seeing a loved one die is never easy.
Contrary to the good mornings we spent in bed, kissing and giggling playfully like children, there were the ones when I was woken by the sounds of painful heaving and retching, to find Annabeth kneeling next to the toilet, shivering and crying pitifully. I would wait while gently stroking her back until she was done, closing my arms around her afterwards, holding her weak form until she calmed down. Sometimes she would beg me to leave her, lightly pushing against my chest and murmuring things under her breath before losing consciousness in my arms.
Then there were the bad days when she had to stay in bed with fever, the pain draining the color from her face. Sometimes she would get delusional, calling my name, reaching out for me, when I was right there, right in front of her.
The one thing I always promised was that I would not leave and that I would keep fighting alongside her as long as she needed me to.
Only one thing I wasn't ready to think about.
About what to do when she would need me to let her go.
Doesn't even matter to you
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe
The day we got married was the happiest day of my life. I like to believe that I have always known that we were meant to be together. After all, I fell in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her. There was something special about her that, even now, I cannot pinpoint. I honestly never expected her to say yes when I proposed. I hoped for it, of course, but the possibility that she would seemed ridiculously small.
The thing I remember best now is the way her eyes shone while walking down the aisle. Her golden hair was pulled up and a fine white wedding veil flowed down her back, held by a delicate silver diadem.
I remember the way our lips collided when I was officially able to call her my wife and the hunger I felt, a hunger so strong that I'd never felt before. A hunger that only she was able to still all this time.
Slowly I push the covers off and stand up, drawing in a breath as my feet hit the cold ground. I look around shortly and then make my way into direction of the kitchen, trying to ignore the silence that threatens to suffocate me. The hallway is still relatively dark, which is a relief for my tired eyes. My feet don't make a sound as I step into the empty room. There are still our old glasses standing on the kitchen table, since I haven't been here often enough to care about anything. One of Annabeths sweaters is hanging over one of the chair's backs. I draw in a deep breath before approaching the table. A week before I sat on one of these chairs with her. She hadn't been well then, I remember, but it was the last really good day. As I glance toward the fridge I can almost see me standing there again, trying to lift her mood by telling her a funny story while picking out the ingredients for my breakfast.
A smile spreads on my face as I remember how she laughed at my clumsiness when I broke an egg while widely gesturing to describe everything as detailed as possible.
So how you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
And if you've lost your way
I will keep you safe
We'll open up all your world inside
Till you come alive tonight
I will keep you safe
With a last glance toward the chairs I make my way to our back porch. From outside I can hear birds singing. It gets louder once I open the glass door. The fresh air that immediately welcomes me still smells like night and dew.
We all fall down
We all feel down
Cause rainy days and summer highs
The more we pray the more we feel alive
The last night before she died, just two days ago, she begged me to sit with her. Of course I did and she took my hands in hers. I already knew what she was going to talk about and tried to stop her, but she wouldn't let me.
"Please, Percy", I remember her saying. "You know this may be the last chance we get."
It was. And I did know. But I wasn't ready then. I still am not ready now. I don't think I will ever be.
I did as she asked me to, even though my heart ached every time I looked into her eyes, as I knew it could be the last time.
"Percy", she started, her voice barely controlled, "I love you. I love you so much. I want you to know that."
I nodded at these words, because I couldn't to anything else. Right then it felt like a dagger piercing through my heart.
"When I'm gone", she continued, "I want you to go straight home and drive carefully. We both know you're a terrible driver." I laughed weakly and she joined in, quickly brushing a tear away that had left her eye.
"And when you're home, don't start breaking anything. We spent so much money on that furniture for a reason." She tried to keep a stern face, but I could see it was faltering. She brushed another tear away and exhaled shakily before speaking up again. Her grey eyes were filled with tears when she met my gaze.
"Promise me something", she demanded.
I hesitated before nodding eventually. "Yes?", I breathed.
"Promise me that you'll keep going. Promise me, that whatever you do, you won't give up." I started shaking my head and averted my gaze, but she wouldn't let me. Stubbornly, she lay her hands on my temples and made me look up.
"Promise me that you're gonna get these kids we talked about, okay? You're gonna meet a beautiful girl and marry again and get kids and live your life. Promise me Percy!", her voice broke and a sob escaped her lips as she kept her eyes pierced onto mine.
"How?", I breathed. A tear rolled down my cheek. "How am I going to do that?"
"I suppose you'll have to figure that out on your own", she replied. "But I have faith. Just don't keep living in the past. There's so much more to come for you. Let go."
"You know I can't do that", I just whispered. My voice was hoarse.
"Maybe not right away. Maybe not in a year, but one day. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, Percy."
How you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
How you gonna love?
How you gonna feel?
How you gonna live your life like the dream you have is real?
And if you've lost your way
I will keep you safe
We'll open up all your world inside
So you come alive tonight
I will keep you safe
I make a step out, setting foot onto the wooden porch. The wind lightly brushes through my hair, caressing my bare arms.
I was with her when she died. I held her hand and watched the life leave her body.
It hurt more than anything I had ever felt before. A numbing, paralyzing pain.
Still, I had hope.
One day I would be ready to let go.
Because letting go doesn't mean forgetting.
I will keep you safe
I will keep you safe