Fly Away
ChoNiRated M
AN: Big angst warning, ChinaxJapan, creepy metaphors. Enjoy.
You are beautiful.
As you grew, I couldn't help but notice it. Even though I shouldn't. Even though I should not be looking at such things, I did anyway.
I raised you from a child, ever since I discovered you in the bamboo forest all alone. I did my best to instill in you all of my values, all of my honor. To bring glory and pride to the people that make up your very essence.
You were very innocent once. You are still, in some areas. I remember when you became a young adult. Your eyes still had that gaze to them, as if they were always far away. I was never able to read what you were thinking, and you were quiet and intelligent.
Black, soft hair. I insisted on brushing it even when you were grown. I kept it long until it brushed the back of your slender neck. I even washed you in the spring every night, despite your protests. I only did it so I could keep pretending you were mine. My little Japan.
It was a sin.
I was supposed to be your older brother, your knowledgable elder. But I looked anyway as I ran wet hands up your back, feeling smooth soft white skin under my fingertips. I loved to wash your shoulderblades.
If you sprouted wings, that is where they would be. Pure and white. Feathers long and gleaming.
But I would never let you fly away.
I rinsed away your face, tracing your jaw and passing a finger over full curved lips. Were you male or female? Angel or human….?
"Do you love me?" I always asked. Your eyes shone with an impossible innocence.
"Hai, Chogugoko-san," you said. Your words brought warmth in my heart, a warmth I had never felt in all my four thousand years. But it hurt that your love was only that of a brother...maybe less...
Nothing more.
One night, I let you bathe yourself because you had asked for it so much. I allowed you to. I wanted you happy, even if it meant I lost something that made me happy as well.
Your hair was slick and damp against your cheeks, and you were still busy tying your kimono when I came up behind you. My hand slipped over your eyes.
You cried out in surprise, and I nuzzled your delicate jaw. My heart pounded. What was I doing?
It was wrong to do this. You were my little brother. I had no right to transgress your virgin angelicity. But I continued, running my hands over your slim collar and kissing the little fluttering hollow of your throat. It smelled sweet. You wiggled, confused and scared.
"Ch-Chogugoko-san..."
"Do you love me?"
"Y-yes..."
I'm too old, I thought with a pang. I'm too old for you. What am I doing? Someday you'll find someone for you. I'm not that person. I'm turning into Korea.
I kissed your pale lips, slipping my tongue into your mouth. My hands slipped off your kimono as I tasted you eagerly. You moaned out loud, and immediately blushed, ashamed of the sound.
I'm not for you.
But I revealed your flawless hips, sliding the fabric off with a rustle. I made you cry out, and I wanted to hear the sounds, to keep them coming. To make you loud instead of deathly silent.
These wings are not mine to keep.
I licked and covered your body with kisses, and you squirmed in helpless pleasure, jerking your hips in an innocent need. Something burned in me, a desire for something I had never had before in all my years.
"Chogugoko-san, Ch-Chogugoko-saaaan...a-aah!"
"Please call me Yao, Kiku-chan..."
I wanted someone who loved me. But I knew you would never stay with me. You'd grow more mature and depart for greater things. And that was all right with me...
But your wings would be mine.
"Y-Yao," you whimpered, voice trembling with fear as I raised your supple legs. "It huuurts..."
I kissed your eyelids. "It won't soon."
What am I even doing, doing, doing?
...You screamed as you came, back arching and brown eyes going wide as hot liquid shot into the air and over your stomach. All there was left was our harsh breathing in the empty room and I was alone with your nearly unconscious, still shaking body.
In years to come, you did leave me. I had to let you go eventually, release you so you could fly.
I hope you become a powerful good country. Make it so I don't regret unclipping your wings. Find the person who isn't me, who will love you forever until the end of time. Someone who loves Kiku, not Japan, not any petty alliance. Someone to make you happy like I always wanted to be but never was and never will be.
I'll keep your wings with me, and kiss the sweet hot blood running from the severed edges the rest of my life, try to bury my feelings deep in my heart.
Russia, England, America. There were others who showed interest in both you and me. It made me feel angry and sad.
They don't love you for who you are. I do. I do…
I think you loved America at one time. England too. Even Greece. But which one made you happy? Which one brought blessed moonlight into the sunshine of your life? Who throws the creamy white of your flesh in warm silver shadows and passionately holds you through everything, cleaning the blood that stains your fragile hands?
...That's not my affair. No matter how much I try to make it so.
I'll be ready always, holding your wings under my arm, waiting for the day that will never come, the day when you come back to me.
But for now, I'll let you fly.