Devi,

Uh...hi. I know you probably don't want to ever hear from me again. After what I have done your probably scared out of your mind at the very thought of me and I wouldn't be surprised if you hated me to. I know you don't want to hear from me, that you are missing things in life because your shaking in terror. I don't think it's idiotic, because at the time I had fully intended to kill you.

But I want you to know, I intended to do it in the nicest possible way. I didn't kill you out of malice, or some weird thrill that some people get from killing. Like I told you, I wanted you forever in my mind. Everything good in my life, it either leaves or it rots. Friendships, all my friends, they leave, or they become disgusting humans that I am surrounded with every day. I don't remember my family, but they are gone to. Everything leaves.

So I knew that with what we started...I was happy. Devi, please, try to imagine just for a second what it's like. I have never been truly happy, you made me happy. Not just content, but happy. I haven't ever been happy before, or at least I can't remember being happy.

But I knew, that with all things, the rot would set in. We'd grow to dislike each other, perhaps even hate. Though I don't think it's even possible for me to hate you, you could grow to hate me. And that was the one thing that I fear above all. But the fear has been realized, you hate my guts now, you wish I was dead. Believe me, if it were possible for me to die, I would kill myself right now to make you happy. I will try, as soon as I send this letter I will go to the hill where we looked at the stars and I will jump.

Do you remember the hill, Devi? It was so beautiful, it was my special spot and I wanted to share it with you. Though it didn't seem nearly as beautiful anymore after I was there with you, but that is to be expected. If you have a perfect moment at a place and than lose that moment, going to that place won't bring it back.

You have nothing to fear from me anymore Devi. I don't know if you'll believe me, but your safe. I only kill those who deserve it, and you don't. I was going to kill you to keep you. I was going to kill you than myself so we'd be together forever. We'd sleep in each others' arms and we'd be together forever.

Now that is only a fantasy, I hope you don't mind me indulging in it. It won't hurt you, I swear. I'll keep my distance, I won't ever go near you again. Please know Devi, if I could I would go back to that moment and kick my own ass for even contemplating doing it, it will be before you come looking for me so you'll be safe.

I know I have no right to ask anything of you. But will you reply to this letter? Please? I just want to know that you thought of me long enough to grave a pen and paper to write it. I know it's selfish to want you to think of me but since my mind is constantly on you, could your mind think of me from time to time?

I am thinking of leaving, if the suicide doesn't work. Of leaving and becoming cold. Getting rid of my emotions so you'll be safe. But I don't think I can bring myself to do that, not just yet. Because I hold dearly onto my feelings for you. It cuts my heart in two, but it still proves that I am alive. It's the rush of life in me. I feel like becoming cold would be taking the easy way out, I've never been one for taking the easy way out.

Unless you want me to. You may not want a horrendously insane grotesque maniac pining for you. I understand, if you want that I will do it. And there's something I never got a chance to tell you, would you mind if I tell you now?

I love you, Devi. I know that doesn't change anything but I want you to know it either way.

I understand that you need to move on. Find someone else, find someone who deserves you. I want you to be happy.

Nny.